Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

  “Hey there, what’s the matter?” Jaiden lifted my chin as he guided us through a country song. He looked genuinely concerned, which only made me more upset at myself.

  “I came here to have fun with my girlfriends. I guess I didn’t really plan on meeting guys here, too. Especially ones who are as caring and hot as you.”

  There went those dimples. Naughty thoughts filled my brain.

  The night ended after a few more dances with Jaiden and rounds of shots with the girls. I was lucky not to knock anything over as I made my way to my bedroom and got ready for bed.

  Stripping down to my panties, I slid into bed, and stretched my arm out to the other side. It was cold and untouched. I did it to myself and now I had to lie in the bed I made.

  I vowed that night to try to be better for whoever I was with next. Spending more time together, becoming a better listener, and being a sweeter lover. I owed it to both of us to give it my all. I just needed to stop thinking about that green-eyed beauty that filled my dreams each night.

  I was destined to be alone. My true love was taken tragically from me before we could even begin our lives together as a family. I never met our child. It had been nearly a year and a half since Cami’s death and I was still alone.

  Aria had been the closest thing to finding happiness again. She made me feel. Other girls that I had gone on dates with hadn’t. Kenna turned out to be a Grade-A stalker. Mica was sweet, but not emotionally ready for a relationship, and we were better as friends anyways.

  Aria. We didn’t speak for three months, and even then, it wasn’t the same. She had decided to work on being a better person and finding herself. Over the past few months, our friendship became much more simple. The hidden innuendos and innocent flirting died down, even though I could still feel the chemistry between us.

  I was at a standstill. I wanted to move on but compared every girl I met to Cami and hated myself whenever I took a chance and flirted with a chick. My friends were still surfers at heart, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back out there. I had this invisible handicap that was slowly transforming me into a bubble boy. I couldn’t go out in the water, I couldn’t get laid without remorse, and I couldn’t live my life without thinking about Cami.

  I was miserable.

  I hated it. What was worse was that Aria wasn’t even there for me anymore. She was always too busy with Sutter.

  The few random chicks I tried were lackluster at best. I wish I could fuck-’em-and-chuck-’em like my friends did. Most nights I ended up staying at home, laying on the couch and watching TV while I thought about all of the ‘what-ifs’ in my life.

  Our child would be a year old now. I would have been married to Cami. I figured we’d be trying for baby numero dos by now.

  “Hey, babe? Do you mind folding the laundry that’s in the dryer? It should be ready by now,” Cami called from the kitchen.

  “No problem, baby. Whatever you’re doing in there, it smells fuckin’ awesome.” I paused the TV and walked into our laundry room.

  “Take your time, sweetie. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” I smiled as I realized how amazing of a life I had. Breathtaking girlfriend, nice house, steady job that I actually liked. I smiled as I began pulling out our various items of clothing, separating them by hers and mine. Granted, her stack was much higher than mine, but it was definitely manageable. Reaching in the back of the dryer, I pulled out a few stray socks, a pair of her panties, and something else that I’d never seen before.

  Quickly dividing up the socks and panties, I held up a teeny, tiny onesie that had ‘My Daddy Is A Rockstar…In The Water’ across the chest.

  I ran my fingers over the lettering, trying to recall if any of our friends had been by with their baby and had maybe left it here. But none of ours had small children anymore.

  “Uhh, babe?”

  “Yeah?” Cami called out. I walked toward the kitchen, still staring at the new article of clothing in my hands. Daddy?

  “Is this ours?” I held it up for her to see. While waiting for her to turn around, I took in her outfit. White bikini bottoms and one of my oversized tournament shirts, nothing else. As she turned to face me, my eyes caught sight of her hardened nipples, poking through the shirt.

  “Baby, I don’t think that will fit you.” She mocked sadness. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she leaned close and whispered, “But we might need to stock up on a few more of them.”

  Leaning back so I could see her expression, I asked, “You mean? We’re? We’re having a baby?” I put my hands on her still flat stomach and looked into her teary eyes. Nodding in agreement, she brought her lips to mine and told me, “You’re going to be a daddy, Tristen. We’ll be a family soon.” She squeaked as she responded, unable to hold back her excitement.

  “You’ve made me so happy, Cami! I can’t believe you’re going to be a mommy to our baby. I’m so lucky, babe. I can’t believe it!” I held her tight, thinking about how I never realized how much I wanted to have a family with her and how badly I wanted for her to be my wife.

  As we sat down for dinner, she passed me the baby carrots, along with baby peas, and even baby shrimp to go along with our roasted chicken. Holding up a carrot, I gave her a questioning look.

  “Just in case you told me ‘no’ when I asked you to do the laundry. I took the test two days ago and couldn’t imagine going another day while I figured out another way to tell you. So, just in case, you got all the ‘baby’ foods also as a hint.” She smiled innocently.

  “You had a backup option for telling me you’re preggers? Only you, Cami.” I laughed at her quietly, reaching to hold her hand from across the table. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “Allowing me to impregnate you. It really was a sweet thing you did there, babe,” I joked.

  “Oh, no problem. Thanks for being such an incredible lover.”

  “Wait… how did this happen? I thought you’re on the pill?” I realized once I started processing the idea completely.

  “That bladder inflection a few weeks ago, I was on antibiotics. It’s the only logical reason I can think of since I take my pills regularly. I didn’t realize it was true about antibiotics making the pill not as effective.”

  “Thank God for bladder infections. I really am excited, baby.”

  I smiled at the memory. We were both so happy for what was to come. I would catch her most mornings looking in the mirror, trying to see if she had a bump at all and most of the time, pushing out her belly to make it look like she was further along than she was. She was so eager to be a mom. I would watch her speak to her belly when she thought I wasn’t near, talking about how much they were loved and how awesome their daddy and mommy were. I fell in love with her just a little more each time.

  I had decided. I was going to try with Tristen again. It’d been a good amount of time since Cami’s accident, and I missed him terribly. We’d been in a good place once before, and now that I was single, there wasn’t anything holding me back. I would always question myself if I didn’t. The entire way to work, I had thought about how I’d text him that afternoon to see if he wanted to get drinks that night so that I could get a feel for where he was at. I had butterflies in my stomach and couldn’t wait to see what the day would bring.

  Sitting at my desk at work, I was coming up with a to-do list for the day since all the kids had finally arrived and were all where they were supposed to be. I had a good two hours before lunchtime and recess to get the bulk of what I needed done.

  I walked out to the front desk and heard the buzzer notifying us that someone wanted to come in who didn’t have a code. Setting everything down, I walked around to the front door and stood frozen in my tracks.

  Taking a step back, my hand went up to my mouth and I started shaking my head involuntarily.

  What? Oh my— fuck.

  I was hallucinating. I needed— I needed to call Tristen. I needed a fucking drink.

  She stood still, staring me down as if
she were trying to figure it out. Wearing skinny jeans and a loose lavender blouse, she hadn’t changed a bit, well, except for her demeanor and the whole I died eighteen months ago thing. After a moment or two, one of the other teachers walked by and asked if I was okay and if it was alright to let the woman in.

  “Oh, uhh, I’ll take care of it. Thank you, though.”

  After the teacher was out of sight, I composed myself all the while asking a bajillion questions in my head.

  How? What happened? Where? Why? Did she?

  “Come inside,” was all I said as I held the door open for her.

  Taking unsure steps, she walked past me and into the lobby.

  “Cami?” Just saying her name brought goosebumps to my arms.

  Nodding slightly, she crossed her arms in a protective measure and looked around at her surroundings. She’d been in here on numerous occasions before the accident.

  “How are you here? Do you remember me? Where have you been the past eighteen months? Oh, my God. Does Tristen know?” I asked in quick succession but realized I was terrifying her.

  “Okay, I’m sorry. How’d you know to come here?” I asked slowly, hoping for some sort of answer.

  It felt like hours before she spoke. We stared at each other, speaking volumes without talking. Her eyes glistened with tears that fought to break free, and I wasn’t sure what would come out of her mouth. Her lips trembled, and she braced herself to speak. Looking straight into my eyes, she gave me a slight answer.

  “I remember.” Scratching her head, she gathered her thoughts. “I think I do, at least. Aria? You work here,” she responded, so weak and irresolute.

  “I am, I do. But how?” I know it was a big question, but shit, she was dead!

  “Can we go somewhere, more private?” Her confidence had been completely drained. The spicy, vivacious, and independent woman I knew wasn’t who stood in front of me.

  “My office is right back here. I have an extra chair and we can close the door, just let me tell Suzanne that I’ll be unavailable for a bit.” I led her to the room and walked quickly to inform my assistant manager that she’d be in charge while I had a meeting. Walking back slowly, I tried to process what I had just seen.

  I didn’t know what to say, ask, or do. I itched to call Tristen but needed to hear more from her. Where had she been? Why hadn’t she called him or gone back home?

  Upon reaching the door, I braced myself for whatever might come out of her mouth and took a deep breath before having a seat.

  “So… you’re alive?” I watched her every movement. She was biting her bottom lip and fidgeting with her hands, all while looking everywhere in the room but at me.

  “Most days, I don’t feel like I am, but I’m here.”

  “Where have you been staying?” I didn’t know what direction to go in.

  “With Zander.”

  I knew Zander. He dated Cami before Tristen and was abusive and manipulative. He tried to get her back numerous times, but by then, Tristen had come along. Back when we used to hang out, she avoided talking about Zander, saying she wanted to put it behind her.

  “Okay. By choice?” I had to ask. Did she leave Tristen and never look back?

  “That day on the beach, Aria, it was the most terrifying day of my life.” She finally broke down, gaining strength in her voice. “I remember screaming out in pain as I was carried to land. I had cuts down my entire right side from hitting something rugged and sharp and my head felt like it was going to explode out of my skull. I was in and out of it for a while; he said it was from the pain.” She reached to grab a tissue. “My body hurt everywhere, I had no idea where I was or what had happened. Zander was there for me. He brought me back to his place and told me everything would be alright. He cleaned my wounds, iced the huge knot on my head, and told me about what I had gone through.”

  “How did he know? Wait, what did he say happened?”

  “I was so confused. I didn’t remember anything. He said I had gone out surfing but that whoever I was with had wanted me dead. He watched my struggle with the man and then go under the water. He told me it was violent, and he was surprised he had found me and that I was actually alive.”

  “Cami, you weren’t with anyone bad that day. You were with Tristen and your brother, Ryder. Did you remember Zander?”

  “His face was familiar, but I couldn’t remember anything specific about him or my adult life. I remembered Ryder and me playing together when we were little kids, but when I asked Zander when I could see Ryder, he told me that we had gotten in a huge fight and lost touch over the years. He— he said that he was my family and that we were soul mates. I didn’t know right from wrong, Aria. He was my only source of information for so long that I had no choice but to believe.”

  “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry.” I felt terrible for her. Not knowing right from wrong, having to rely on other people’s information to figure out who you were. “Wait, for so long? Did something change?” I looked into her eyes and saw that tiny spark within.

  “It never felt right with him. He said we had been together for years, but I didn’t feel that chemistry. The first time he came on to me, I screamed as soon as he began touching me. My breasts were so tender, and he was so rough, I freaked out. I just wanted to be alone. I started becoming distrustful and focused on reading and watching the news, documentaries, and movies all day. There were signs, though, that something wasn’t right. I didn’t know enough to put it all together. He brought in a nurse who barely spoke any English to tend to my wounds when he saw they were infected, and he told people my name was Tami. He hid me from the world. Anything I needed, he brought to me at home. I became withdrawn, not caring about the world around me or how my life turned out. I had given up, realizing that this was my new reality.

  I thought that maybe, one day, I would figure out what my mind was hiding. Then, I started noticing that my belly was becoming rounder. I wasn’t sure if I had been eating differently than before the accident, but when Zander noticed, he told me we were having a baby together. I felt disgust toward him, for tying me to him with a child.

  I tailspinned into a cloud of depression; I didn’t understand why I would ever love such a repulsive man. I felt trapped. I loved my baby with all my might, and the idea that I had the ability to keep my unborn baby safe brought life to me again. I was alone most of the time in the house, and I’d pass the time by talking to my belly, telling it stories and singing songs I didn’t remember how I knew. Zander was aggressive and grew more repulsed the further along in the pregnancy I got. I went into pre-term labor at thirty-four weeks due to the stress and high blood pressure. Jagger was born November eighth of twenty-twelve. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Shortly after giving birth, I started to remember tidbits and have flashbacks of the past few years. At first, it was just faces, then it was locations, places I had been to before. It was so confusing and overwhelming because I couldn’t figure out what to do with these images.” She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. A true, genuine smile.

  “I remembered you. I saw you at the grocery store and knew you looked familiar, but I had no clue why. It was the daycare that I saw first, but after months and months of digging, I was able to put it together. At least, I thought I was able to. I came here today, not really knowing if I was going crazy or if I had been living this false life for a year and a half.”

  “Can we back up just a teeny bit? You had a baby?” I peered down, and she looked fantastic. There was no sign she had ever given birth.

  Nodding shyly, she rubbed her now flat belly. “I was tempted to bring him here to see about enrolling him just so I had an excuse to visit. For the past week, I’ve been trying to figure out what to say if I came here. The entire time I was with Zander, I felt like I was missing something, or someone. I think that person is Tristen. I can see his face if I close my eyes, hear his laughter. You said I was with him on the day of my accident?” she questioned.

  “You wer
e. You guys were together for years, and he loves you, Cami. He was such a wreck after that day. I watched him mourn for you. That boy doesn’t know how to live without you by his side, babe. And that sweet little baby boy you have? It has to be Tristen’s. Do you think he knows about it?” I scooted my chair closer so that I could hold her hand.

  “To be honest, I have no idea. I was going to ask you about him. I feel this, this pull toward him, but I don’t remember the details of why. My heart wants him, though. I feel guilty when I’m with Zander, like I’m betraying someone. Has— has he moved on from me?” She bit her lip as she spit out the question.

  Trying not to make her wait too long for my answer, I smiled and let her know there was no moving on for him. Tristen might have tried, but Cami was the one who had his heart and everyone knew it. Now they just needed to get back together.

  Picking up my phone from my desk, I dialed his number.

  “Hey, you uhh, you sitting down?” I asked nervously. How the hell do I tell him his dead girlfriend is sitting in my office?

  “I’m in line to grab a sandwich. Why? Everything okay?” I look over and see a hopeful, yet worried, Cami, who had now crossed her legs Indian style in the chair.

  “I need to tell you something, but you have to listen and not speak, alright?”

  “Aria. Just spit it out already.” He was getting unnerved.

  There was no way to break this in. Just like ripping off a Band-Aid. A really big, life-altering Band-Aid.

  It was odd when I saw Aria’s name pop up on my phone. Worried that something might have happened, I instinctively answered and pondered through all the scenarios that spiraled through my mind. We weren’t at a spot in our relationship where we just called and chatted. We were at a standstill with neither of us budging. I wanted us to be like we were before the wine tasting. She was the only one nowadays who reminded me that I had to live, for Cami.