If I Can't Have You

by Dawn Jiles

  “So are we going to your place or mine tonight?” I asked, hoping he would say his. I was trying to do things the right way, so I hadn’t followed him to find out where he was staying, but if he kept playing, I’d have to take matters into my own hands.

  “Your place, but I can’t stay all night. I got some shit I need to do early in the morning,” he said.

  “What does that mean? And why can’t I just come to your place?” I asked.

  “I’m not ready for all that yet, Samariah,” he said.

  I knew he was getting frustrated, because that was the only time he said my full name. I dropped the subject because I didn’t want to piss him off. He had already gotten a little distant, but ever since I started sucking his balls and dick at the same time, he had started to spend more time with me. We finished our food, then paid the bill. Tremaine and his friends were leaving at the same time. I noticed that Tremaine was heading to the bathroom, while his friends were walking toward the exit.

  “Hey, baby, I’m going to head to the bathroom. Then I’ll be leaving. You can just meet me at my place,” I told Kevin, hoping he would fall for it, because I needed to talk to Tremaine tonight. Kevin agreed, then walked off. I waited until Kevin was out the door before I headed to the bathrooms. Before I could make it back there, Tremaine was coming out. I was pretending to look for something in my purse when I ran into him. He said, “Excuse me,” then gave me this sexy-ass smile. I smiled back, then asked him what his name was, and he told me. I decided to get straight to the point, because I had to get back to my man.

  “I think you are very sexy, Tremaine. Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked.

  “No, but it looks like you got a nigga. I saw you with that nigga Kevin,” he said.

  “That’s not my man. We are just friends. But that don’t mean I don’t have room for more,” I said seductively. “You know you like what you see,” I added, and I modeled in front of him.

  We exchanged numbers, and he told me to contact him whenever I was free. I definitely planned to, because I had shit I needed to get done, and I planned to use his ass to help me.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Sam

  I contacted Tremaine a week after we first met, and we decided to meet up the following day. I made sure to put on an outfit the screamed “I wanted to fuck.” Although I didn’t want Tremaine like that, it was still not a bad idea to try him out. I wanted to see what Monique had let go. I made sure everything was together, and then I walked out of the house. I hadn’t heard from Kevin since the night he left my house, and I was not feeling that shit at all. He wasn’t responding to any of my text messages, either, which pissed me off. He had made me fall deeper in love with him, and I refused to let him be with anyone else.

  I pulled up to Tremaine’s place and texted him to let him know I was outside. He opened the door and waved at me. He was looking good as hell, and I was ready to jump on his ass right now, but I had a plan I needed to stick to. I hadn’t had sex since I last saw Kevin, and Brian really was done with my ass. He said I played too many games.

  Tremaine’s caramel skin complexion was smooth, and his hair was lined up to perfection. I couldn’t lie. He was giving Kevin a run for his money. I might just keep him all to myself. I greeted him with a tight hug, making sure my breasts pressed firmly against his chest. He smelled so good. This man was making it hard for me to stay focused right now, and you know Miss Kitty was just acting a fool. She was screaming to be touched. When I entered the house, I instantly smelled food.

  “I made us some dinner, so I hope you are hungry,” he said, giving me an award-winning smile as we walked into the kitchen.

  I wanted to say, “Yes, I’m hungry for some of that dick.”

  “Yes, I can definitely eat,” I said. I had lost a lot of weight during the months that I was in the hospital, but I had gained that all back. My body was perfect again, and I even had a six-pack now. I had been working out to control my anger, because if not, somebody would have been dead by now—particularly Mo or her mom. Speaking of dead, I still had not found Eric’s bitch ass, but when I did, that ass was mine.

  Tremaine motioned for me to have a seat at the table. “You look very good, Ms. Sam,” he told me, checking out my body while placing some pan-seared salmon with risotto and asparagus in front of me. He grabbed a cool bottle of white zinfandel and poured us each a glass. Then he sat down. I could tell he was a little older than I was by the way he carried himself.

  “So are you dating anyone right now?” I asked him.

  He cleared his throat. “Um, no, I’m not anymore. It ended badly,” he said. He tried to hide the irritation in his voice, but I still noticed it.

  “Sorry to hear that,” I said, not wanting to press the issue. I knew sooner or later I would get it all out of him.

  We ate our dinner and talked about a bunch of bullshit that I didn’t care to talk about anymore. Once we were done eating, he cleared the table, and then we sat down in the living room to watch a movie. Tremaine’s house was very nice and clean. It looked like a woman had helped him decorate, because although it was a bachelor pad, it had its share of femininity to it. I decided not to play any games with him and got straight to the point. I was horny as hell, and I needed my fix. I just hoped he was able to meet the challenge.

  I placed my hand on the crotch of his pants and began to caress it, and to my surprise, he was already hard. It was nice to know we were thinking the same thing. I stood up and dropped between his legs, then unbuckled and unzipped his pants. He stood up and pulled them off, and his pole was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was as big as hell, and you could see the veins popping out, he was so hard. I took all of him in my mouth, and the rest was history. We sucked and fucked each other for about two hours; then I fell asleep in his arms.

  After about two weeks of me spending time with Tremaine, he spilled the beans on everything that had happened between him and Mo. Also, told me that he had beat Corey’s ass. I eventually told him who I was, and he told me he would help me destroy their relationship—not because he wanted Mo back, not because his ass was all into me now, but because he hated Corey and he didn’t want to see that nigga happy. With the three of us against those bitches, they didn’t stand a chance.

  Bria

  David and I decided to go to Olive Garden, which was one of our favorite places to eat. We were back to the old couple we used to be, but even stronger. It turned out that our little man happened to bring us closer together, after all. David loved that little boy with everything in him, and he looked more and more like David as he got older. My baby didn’t look like me at all. He was eight months now, and he was the cutest, chubbiest baby ever. David’s parents had him for a week. They had taken him down South to visit some of their relatives. We had a little vacation time since he was gone, so we had decided to make the best of it.

  I excused myself so that I could go to the bathroom. When I was walking back to the table, I heard some ghetto-ass girl cursing some nigga out. Bitches just don’t know how to act, I thought. When I got closer to my table, I realized it was my man who was arguing with some bitch. I instantly got pissed and was ready to tear some shit up. I couldn’t see who the girl was, but I was for damn sure about to find out.

  “You all up in Olive Garden, eating good and shit, but you can’t return none of my phone calls. You back with your ugly-ass baby mama, and now you don’t know a bitch,” the girl snapped.

  “Bitch, get the fuck out of my face before I embarrass your ass in this bitch. You just mad because I don’t want your bum ass,” David said, clearly irritated.

  “What the hell is going on over here?” I asked. David looked like he was about to piss on himself, and that ugly-ass bitch David had cheated on me with was standing there with a smirk on her ugly-ass face. I was ready to beat that bitch’s ass, because for one, the bitch was talking mad shit when I had my baby, and for two, this ho obviously didn’t know how to let go.

  “Oh,
I am glad baby mama is here so that I can share the good news with her as well,” she said, with this ugly-ass look on her face.

  “David, what the hell does this rat want? You better get her ass in check, because you know my patience is very thin,” I said, trying with everything in me not to punch the shit out of her.

  “I was just about to tell David that he needs to come see his son, who is three months old, by the way. My son has not seen his father yet. You need to come sign this birth certificate and come be with your real family,” she announced.

  My heart instantly broke, because I knew there was a chance that her baby could actually be his. The crazy thing was when I saw her at the park months back, she had a little stomach, but I thought it was because she was a little chubby. He had told me that he slept with this rat a few times after we split up, but he had also told me he used protection each time.

  “David, you better pray to the good Lord above that her baby is not yours,” I snapped.

  “Oh, baby, my son is definitely his, honey. You are the one he needs to be getting a test for,” she said.

  All I saw was red when she said that, because I knew for a fact that we shared a son. After all, he was the only man I had ever been with; he was my first everything. I had gone through hell and back and had still found the courage to take him back after he hurt me so badly. I hated bitches like her. She didn’t have any class about herself. She did this shit in public, and she absolutely did not care. Well, I was about to stoop to the ho’s level, because right now she had embarrassed me, and she was trying to break up the family that we had worked so hard to build.

  I picked up the bottle of wine off the table next to us and slapped that bitch on the side of her head with it before anyone could protest. She hit the floor, and I jumped on top of her and began to throw blow after blow. I took all my anger and hurt out on her. I literally blacked out. I thought about all the nights I had cried over David when we were split up. I thought about how lonely I had felt, and how bad my heart had ached over him. It was not her fault that David had chosen to step out on me, but she felt my wrath because of him. It was not until that very moment that I realized I was holding on to all the pain that our breakup had caused me.

  David and the restaurant manager were finally able to pull me off her. She was not dead, but she was lying there like she was. David threw me over his shoulder and rushed me out of the restaurant. He put me in the passenger seat of the car and strapped me in with my seat belt. I was still in a daze at this point.

  “Bria, do you hear me?” David asked me after he had climbed behind the wheel and was pulling out of the parking lot.

  “No,” I said as tears started to pour out of my eyes. I never in a million years thought this was where our relationship would be. I thought we had that one-of-a-kind love, the perfect little relationship, but I was dead wrong.

  “I said you can’t be letting people get you that upset. You could have been arrested behind this shit. And you hit her with a bottle! You went too far, Bria,” he said.

  I looked at him like he had lost his damn mind. Why did he even care how badly I had hurt that bitch?

  “What? You still want to be with her? I guess you already knew that the ho was pregnant. You just didn’t tell me. This shit is all your fucking fault. You wanted to be out here, slinging your dick all over Milwaukee,” I said as I got mad all over again. I punched his ass in the side of his face.

  He pulled over, and I unhooked my seat belt and began to punch his ass all over his body. He was finally able to restrain me.

  “Calm your little ass down. And you better keep your damn hands to yourself, before I knock your little ass out. Now, I know you’re mad, but you haven’t even given me a chance to explain anything to you!” he snapped.

  “Explain what, David? How you cheated on me, and now she’s claiming you got a three-month-old baby? How you was still fucking this ho when you was claiming you wanted to be back with me? Or how you have broken my heart once again and you want to tell me a lie so I won’t leave your sorry ass?” I said. “Well, I am done, because I absolutely cannot go through the baby mama drama with you and your weak-ass baby mama.” I got out of the car and slammed the door. He got out and ran behind me.

  “Baby, she does not have my baby, and I honestly didn’t know she was even pregnant. When we got back together, I cut all ties with her,” he said, and I believed him. It was just that right then I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, and I felt like killing him and his little bitch, so I needed to get away before I did something I would regret. I flagged down a cab, and he stopped right in front of us. David grabbed my arm.

  “David, please let me go. I need some time to myself,” I said as I snatched my arm from him, then dashed to the cab. He tried to stop me, but it was too late.

  Through tears, I told the driver to take me to my parents’ house. I cried the entire way. It was late when I made it to their house, so I used my key and went straight to my bedroom. I cried my eyes out until I fell asleep. I guessed there was no such thing as happy endings.

  Kevin

  Zoe called me and asked me to pick her up the night I left Sam’s house. She was crying and sounded like she was in trouble. When I got to the gas station, she was hiding in the bathroom, with nothing on but a wife beater. I ran over to her, picked her up, and put her in my car. I walked over to the driver’s side and got in. I inspected her face and body. She had blood pouring out of a cut above her eye, and her neck had scratches all over it. I also noticed that she had bite marks all over her breasts and chest area.

  “Zoe, baby, what happened to you?” I asked as I pulled her onto my lap.

  She calmed herself down enough so that she could tell me what happened. “He beat me because of you. He always beats me because of you,” she cried. She had finally admitted that this nigga had been putting his hands on her.

  “What do you mean, because of me?” I asked.

  “He would always accuse me of still wanting to be with you. He thought I wanted to leave him for you. I was asleep, and he went through my phone and found the messages between me and you,” she cried.

  She told me that he had pulled the covers off her, raped her, and beat until she was unconscious. When she’d woken up, he was lying next to her, asleep, and with a bottle of Remy in his hand. She said she had then grabbed her phone and ran out of the house and called me. We drove to my house in silence; the only thing you could hear was her faint sniffles. When we entered my house, I immediately turned on the shower and told her to get in. I got in with her and washed all the blood off her face. Next, I washed her body, then gave her a towel so that she could dry off. I led her into my bedroom and gave her a T-shirt to sleep in. We got in bed, and I held her close. She cried for a while; then she eventually fell asleep.

  Once I was sure she was sleeping well, I threw on some sweats and a shirt, grabbed my keys, and climbed into my car. I made sure my gun was under my seat and then headed to the house Zoe and I had once shared. This nigga was about to die tonight. Once I got to the house, I grabbed my gun and headed to the door. I still had my key from when we lived together, so I let myself in, then crept to the bedroom. I slowly opened the door, but he was not in the bedroom. I checked the rest of the house, but he was nowhere in sight. This nigga definitely had God on his side, because he was definitely about to lose his life tonight. I drove back to my house. When I walked in the bedroom, Zoe was rocking back and forth in the bed and crying.

  “What’s wrong, bae? Why are you crying?” I asked as I walked over to her, then sat down and rubbed her back soothingly.

  “What did you do, Kevin? Did you hurt him? Did you kill him?” she said as she looked into my eyes.

  “No, I didn’t. I wanted to, because that nigga deserves it for what he did to you,” I snapped.

  “Kevin, I can’t lose you, baby. Please promise me you will never leave. I can’t live without you,” she said as she cried into my chest.

  “I won’t leave
you, Zoe. I promise. I love you too much,” I said truthfully.

  “How could you love me after what I did to you?” she said.

  “The heart wants what it wants. I can’t explain it,” I said to her.

  “I would never hurt you again, nor would I ever leave you or cheat on you. I am not ashamed to say that I have made a mistake, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if I have to,” she cried.

  I believed her, and I know y’all might think I’m a dumb nigga, but I wanted to be with her just as bad as she wanted me right then. I’d been sleeping around with these other women, trying to fill the void that only Zoe could fill. I already felt whole, just having her in my presence right then. I honestly believed that she would never step out on me again. I had never felt complete with anyone but her. Not even with Sam. She had come in and stolen my heart like no other. I loved everything about her, and if I could forgive Sam for sleeping with my best friend, I could forgive Zoe for what she did.

  “Let me make something clear. Just because I love you don’t mean that I am going to keep taking you back. If you even look like you want to cheat, I am leaving you for good, Zoe. I am looking for somebody to build a life with. I don’t have time for games. I got plans for us, and I need you to be on board. If you know you aren’t ready to be with me, then let’s just remain friends. But if you know that you are ready, then we can move forward. But be honest with yourself before you answer that question,” I said.

  “I knew a long time ago what I wanted. I just went chasing after the wrong man because I was confused about my feelings at the time. My heart was always with you. That’s why he tried to beat it out of me. I love you, and with you is where I want to be,” she said, then kissed my lips. I didn’t think I had ever loved anyone as much as I loved Zoe. I was still a little on edge about taking her back, but I was willing to take the risk.