If I Can't Have You

by Dawn Jiles

  “Like I said, she is lying, Sharon. And, Kim, go back out there and do your job. This doesn’t concern you,” Tim said heatedly. Sharon was about to walk up on me, but Tim stopped her.

  “Oh, I’m lying?” I said. “You was all in my bed, telling me you loved me and missed me, and when your wife decided to take you back, now all those feelings conveniently went away? You did not mention Sharon the entire time you was staying with us. Don’t try to front like you wasn’t happy when you was with me and Sam. We was even going out to eat and things like that as family.”

  Sharon remained quiet this time; she was just staring at Tim with a look on her face that was so serious that if looks could kill, he would definitely be dead. I decided to push her further. I wanted to get everything out.

  “This bitch is dirty,” Kim said, shaking her head. I could tell she was there to support her friend, and I knew if anything popped off, she was going to help her friend whup my ass.

  “Oh, and just so you know, we are expecting another child, a boy this time,” I said as I slammed the sonogram on the table.

  Yes, my old ass was six months pregnant, and that was half of the reason I had enough courage to spill everything. I knew that once they realized I was pregnant, they wouldn’t put their hands on me. Sharon, Kim, and Tim all looked at my stomach. I wasn’t that big, but you could tell I was pregnant.

  “The day you decided to go back to your wife is the day you got me pregnant,” I said with a smirk.

  “Honey, she is lying. I did not get her pregnant, nor did I have sex with her,” Tim lied. This man was a good liar. The way he was acting, if I didn’t have proof of my pregnancy, I would believe him my damn self.

  “You know what, Tim? I am so tired of dealing with this bitch right here and your trifling lying ass. I have stuck by your side for all these years, when you lied about having a baby and everything else your tired ass lied about. Well, I am done. You can go stay with this dirty bitch and spend the rest of your life with her, because I’m done for good,” Sharon said. “Oh, and, bitch, don’t think for one second that when you drop that baby, I am not whupping that ass, because I am. The only reason you are not getting that ass whipped today is that you are pregnant. Oh, but I am going to do this.” She slapped me dead in my face. She then threw the bag she had been holding the entire time at Tim. She stormed out of the office, and he ran right behind her.

  I left that office feeling I had accomplished something, because if there was one thing I knew about Tim, it was that he was definitely going to come see me. And when he did, I was going to be ready, because he could never turn down this good pussy. I started to call the police and report that Sharon had slapped me, but I figured I had caused enough problems for the day. Once I got to my car, I sent Sharon the e-mail with the video of me and Tim fucking. I knew for sure that she would be divorcing his ass once she saw that video, and then he would be all mine.

  Sharon

  I had felt in my heart something was not right the moment Tim and I got back together, but I had ignored my intuition, thinking I was just being paranoid. However, his little bitch had confirmed everything. When she told me she was pregnant by him, my heart had literally been ripped out of my chest. After we had Monique, Tim and I had tried having another baby, but I hadn’t been able to get pregnant. We had seen all types of doctors, but when they’d run tests on both of us, everything had come back normal. The doctors couldn’t explain to me why I couldn’t get pregnant. Maybe it was just God’s plan for us to have only one child.

  It had been a week since everything went down at Tim’s office, and I had been miserable as hell. I had come home that night, had packed up everything that belonged to him, and had sat it in front of our garage. Of course, he had followed me home and had tried to talk me out of leaving him, but at the time I had really been done with him. When he came home the next day, all his shit was still outside and the locks had been changed. I was so torn, because I wanted to file for divorce, but I couldn’t find the strength to do so. I had been with this man for twenty-plus years, and it was really hard for me to let go.

  The last time we split up, I had reconnected with an old friend of mine who had always wanted to be with me. We would text each other from time to time, just checking on each other, but it was nothing serious. I felt bad about doing even that, but my husband was out doing way more than that. My friend had been really lifting me up this past week, because I had been really sad and I hadn’t eaten anything. I had to block Tim’s calls, because he would blow my phone up all day and night, and that wasn’t doing anything but making me feel worse. I really missed him and wanted to answer his calls. However, he definitely wouldn’t learn a damn thing if I took him back this soon.

  I really hated that bitch Kendra’s guts; she had always been a pain in my ass. I would see all the calls and messages she would send Tim, asking him to come back home or asking him for sex. I had dealt with that shit long enough, and I was honestly tired of it. I had drawn the conclusion that as long as she was in the picture, I could never truly be happy with him.

  I knew there was a very strong possibility that the baby was Tim’s once I saw that video of them having sex. I had actually believed that there was a possibility that she was lying about them having sex, until I saw with my own eyes that they had. Tim may be a good liar to most people, but he wasn’t always that great of a liar to me. I could see right through most of his lies. I honestly hadn’t thought he would actually cheat on me with her. Yes, I still considered it cheating even though we were separated. We were separated, not divorced, so his ass had cheated.

  I didn’t know if I could ever get over the fact that he might possibly have another baby with her. If he had got her pregnant, you could definitely consider us divorced. Until then, I was going to pull myself together and explore my options with my friend, and with whomever else I decided to see. Hell, why not? He didn’t have a problem fucking Kendra, so why should I have a problem seeing someone else?

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Sam

  For the first time in a very long time, my mother had finally done something right—she had succeeded in breaking Sharon and my dad up. It’d been about two months since everything went down with them. My mother was eight months pregnant now, and my dad had been around. He never stayed overnight, but he did take her to her doctor’s appointments and things like that. He had told me he was excited about having a boy. I believed that once he saw his son, he would definitely make things work with my mother.

  Kevin had called me and asked me to meet up. He had been ignoring my calls for about a week straight, but he had started to come around again. We had barely spent time together, but he had still fucked me, and I would suck his dick on random occasions. I felt like today was the day he was going to ask me to make things official with him. Shit, he’d probably even ask me to move in with him. Who wouldn’t want to be with me? I looked damn good, and my body was off the chain. My pussy and head game were the best.

  I was going to have to break things off with Tremaine, though, and I was actually starting to feel him. He was a great lover, and he did whatever I told him to do. I could tell at first he was still stuck on Mo, but now I had him eating out of the palm of my hand. I had had him bug Mo until she finally met up with him. I had hidden in the car that was facing them and had taken pictures of them talking. When he had got close to her and had been all over her, I knew we had something.

  I had sent the pictures to Corey days later, but that shit obviously hadn’t worked. Corey loved that girl, and he was not letting her go. I still planned to fuck her life up the best way I could, because I was so tired of her getting whatever she wanted. I knew that she was my sister, but I could not get over the fact that she had had the childhood I always wanted. I also couldn’t get over the fact that Corey loved her the way he did, and I wanted someone to love me like that. It seemed like everybody loved her, while I was just pushed to the side.

  Kevin finally walked into the caf�
� we had decided to meet at. I stood up and gave him a hug. I tried to kiss him, but he kind of sneak blocked it. We sat down, and he had this serious look on his face, so I knew the discussion we were about to have was serious.

  “Hey, Sam, I brought you here because I need to talk to you about something serious,” he said.

  “What’s that?” I smiled and grabbed his hand.

  “Sam, I have been having so much fun with you lately, and honestly, I never thought that we would reconnect like we did,” he said.

  “Well, I am glad we did. I have fallen deeper in love with you, and I can honestly see us spending a lifetime together,” I said, gripping his hand tighter. I could see his demeanor changing, almost like he was uncomfortable or something.

  “Sam, I love you, but I don’t love you like that. I love you as a friend,” he said.

  “Well, you can learn to love me like that. You did once before, and you can do it again,” I said.

  “Sam, I don’t want to be with you on that level. Zoe and I are back together, and we are going to work on improving our relationship. I brought you here so that I could call things off with you. I am committing to my girl,” he said.

  Tears poured out of my eyes. “You don’t mean that, Kevin. You love me. You want to be with me. We could make this work. I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” I said in between sobs.

  “I’m sorry that I led you on this far, Sam. I never had any intentions of being with you like that. I can’t help how I feel about her. I really love that girl, Sam, and she is who I want to be with,” he said.

  “But what about me? What does she have that I don’t?” I asked.

  “She has my heart. I have to go, Sam, and again, I am very sorry,” he said as he stood.

  “Kevin, please, don’t do this to me again. I love you. I can’t live or breathe without you,” I said.

  “Sam, you are going to be all right. You are a beautiful woman. Someone is going to make you happy, but that someone is just not me,” he said before he walked out the door.

  I walked into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I had really thought we had something. I had thought we were going to be together. How could he leave me for that bitch Zoe once again? I had changed for him, and he had still left me high and dry. Words could not express how I felt right now. If she was gone, I bet he would be with me. I called Tremaine and told him I was coming over. I needed someone to help me release some of my stress, and he was the perfect person for the job.

  Tim

  My life had been a living hell since Kendra had decided she wanted to air all our dirty laundry to my wife. Sharon was absolutely not fucking with me at all. She didn’t answer any of my phone calls, nor did she open the door when I came by. I had been staying at this condo I had that I used to rent out, because I wanted to show my wife that I was sorry and that I would never sleep with Kendra again. I couldn’t say that I was not happy that Kendra was pregnant with my son. I knew for a fact that the baby was mine, because Kendra had not slept with another man in all the years that we were separated. I wished my wife were the one who was pregnant, but the fact was that she was not able to make that happen. We had been trying for years, but she had never got pregnant. I hadn’t even been trying with Kendra, and her ass had ended up pregnant.

  Every time I went to the doctor’s appointments with Kendra, she tried to have sex with me. It was very tempting, because Kendra was fine as hell and she was even more beautiful since she was pregnant with my baby, but my heart was with my wife, and I didn’t even want to risk her thinking that Kendra and I were back together. I really just wanted to be there for my son. I knew this was going to hurt my wife, but she would just have to accept it.

  I refused to give up on my wife. I knew she was pissed off at me, and I’d let her be that way for a while, but I was eventually taking my ass home, whether she liked it or not. I had sat with Monique and had told her about the baby and about what was going on with her mom and me, and she had been pretty understanding. She was upset that I had hurt her mom, but she didn’t push me away. She called and checked on me every day.

  I was hungry as hell, so I decided to go to Bar Louie to grab a bite to eat and a drink. I’d been doing a lot of drinking lately, ever since my wife left me. I had really been sick since the day everything went down. Normally, when my wife was mad, she would still text me or communicate with me somehow, but this time her ass was not fucking with me, not even a little bit.

  I walked into the restaurant and sat down. A pretty little waitress walked up to me and took my order. I ordered a Henny and Coke, with one of the tasty-ass burgers. The waitress came back with my drink right away, then left me with my thoughts. I downed my first drink and had her get me another one. I was just about to take a sip of my second drink when I heard someone laughing. I knew that laughter; I had heard it every day for twentysomething years. I got up and followed the laughter to the other side of the room. There I saw my wife having a good ole time with some nigga. I immediately lost every bit of my mind. I ran over to the table and snatched her ass right up.

  “Aye, man, get your hands off her,” the guy said as he stood up, ready to fight me if he needed too.

  “Nigga, back the fuck off! This is my fucking wife, and her ass don’t have no business up in this bitch with you, laughing and shit,” I said. I kept my hand on Sharon’s arm and tried to lead her to the door, but she refused to budge.

  “Tim, you better let me go, before I embarrass your ass in here. We are not together, so I can do whatever the hell I want,” she said. I really almost lost my mind when she said that.

  “I don’t give a fuck if we are separated! Yo’ ass belongs to me. I got paper on that ass, so get your shit and let’s go,” I said.

  “Look, man, she obviously is not trying to go with you, so accept it like a man and let it go,” dude said.

  I let my wife’s arm go, walked over to dude, and punched him right in his fucking face. He stumbled back, then looked at me like I was crazy.

  “Nigga, don’t you ever tell me how to handle my wife,” I said.

  My wife ran over to the dude with a napkin and began to wipe the blood off his lip. “Are you crazy, Tim? Why would you put your hands on him? I cannot believe you,” she said as she continued to help dude out.

  “Oh, so you stupid enough to help this nigga. You are my wife. You supposed to have my back,” I said, hurt as hell.

  She whispered something in the guy’s ear, then pulled me outside with her. Once we were somewhere private enough, she began to snap. “Tim, what you need to understand is we are no longer together. You don’t own me. Now you brought your ass in that place, showing your ass,” she said.

  “I’m not trying to hear none of that shit you are talking. You are still my wife, and your ass is not going anywhere. I refuse to watch you be with another man. Who the hell do you think I am? You know damn well I don’t play that shit. I’m coming home, and we are going to work out our marriage. End of story,” I said.

  “I don’t want to be with you. You have absolutely no clue how to keep your dick in your pants, and on top of that, you are about to have a baby by someone else. And still you up in here, trying to fight over me. You need to go be with her, and don’t worry about what I am doing,” she said.

  “You heard what I said, Sharon,” I said.

  “I heard what you said, but that means absolutely nothing to me at this point. I am seriously done with you, and I hope I am making myself clear when I tell you I want a divorce,” she said, staring me dead in my eyes. Those words had never left her mouth before, and I could not believe what she had just said.

  “You don’t mean that,” I said, trying to laugh it off.

  “Oh, but I do mean that. I am done with you this time, Tim. I have given you the best years of my life, and you showed me your appreciation by getting your baby mama pregnant again. I refuse to keep allowing you to run over me and treat me any way you want. I am not Kendra. I refuse to wait on your ass for twenty
years. I don’t think you will ever change. You got her pregnant, and y’all are having a boy, something we tried to have for years. I’m done, Tim. Good night,” she said, then turned to walk away.

  “I know you not like Kendra. At least she know how to wait on a nigga,” I said and instantly regretted letting those words leave my mouth. I didn’t mean it; I just wanted her to hurt like I was right now.

  Sharon stopped in her tracks and turned back around. “Just so we are very clear, I am divorcing your sorry ass,” she said. Then she stormed off.

  I felt like shit. I might actually lose my wife, and I didn’t know if I could live with that reality.

  Bria

  So the bitch Meka refused to take a paternity test but was constantly calling David, asking him for money. She would come by our house and leave notes on the car, telling him to pay. It got so bad that I was ready to go over to her house and beat her ass again. This ho even had the nerve to egg David’s car. I didn’t know how much of this shit I could take; this was exactly the type of shit I was trying to avoid. I did not want to deal with this shit, but I loved David, so I was going to stick it out. But something had to give, and I mean ASAP.

  I had decided to go to the nail shop to get my fingernails and toes done as a way to relax and get things off my mind. David and the baby had left the house early, so I had got up, cleaned the house, and then left. On my way to the nail shop, I decided to stop at McDonald’s to grab a quick bite to eat because I was starving. I decided to go inside because the drive-through was backed up. I placed my order, then went to fill my drink cup. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted somebody who looked real familiar, so I walked up to get a closer look. That was when I saw Meka holding her son, and she was chowing down. I decided to try to talk to her without all the anger, just so we could try to resolve all this. I grabbed my food and walked toward the back, where the play area was.