If I Can't Have You

by Dawn Jiles

  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt and I didn’t miss David, but I felt like I had made the right decision. Of course, he called and texted me on the daily, trying to work things out, but I was just not feeling it anymore. I had always been faithful to him, even when I left him the first time. He had cheated on me when things got hard for us, and as a result of that, he may have fathered a baby with an ignorant-ass bitch. Truthfully, every time I saw Caiden, it was a constant reminder of David cheating on me, and no matter how much I loved that man, I just couldn’t see myself suffering like that on a daily basis.

  I allowed him to see his son, but I had told him that he better not take my child over to his bitch-ass mother’s house, as she had had the audacity to say that my son may not be his. I had swabbed David and my son weeks before he and I broke up. David was a hard sleeper, and he slobbered when he slept, so I’d been able to get his DNA without a problem, and the results had come back today. Of course, there was a 99.9 percent probability that he was the father. I had made copies of the results, and I had personally taken those copies over to David’s, his mother’s, and Meka’s bitch-ass house and had put one copy in each of their mailboxes. This way, they would know for sure that he was the father of my son.

  I was tired of being cooped up in the house, and I wanted to meet new people and have a little fun, so I had called my girls up and arranged a night out on the town. We had decided to go barhopping on Water Street instead of doing the whole club thing tonight. I had on some high-waist cut-up jeans, a nude crop top, and nude heels. I had my hair in wand curls, and I wore some diamond earrings and a matching bracelet. I was looking and feeling good as hell. My girls and I had met at Mo’s house, and we had started turning up before we left there. Corey’s ass thought he was slick. He had called David, had told him that I was over their house, and had described what I had on. David had then called me and questioned me. I had ignored his butt and kept it pushing. Tonight was about me, and I wasn’t worrying about the drama that I had going on in my life.

  We were at this place called Brothers. This handsome guy walked up to me and introduced himself. He was tall and had a caramel complexion and a low haircut. His eyes were the same color as his skin, and he had the sexiest smile. His body was nice and toned, and he had tattoos covering his arms. Miss Kitty start thumping at the sight of him. Zoe and Mo were in their own little world, so that gave me some alone time to see what tall and sexy had going on for himself.

  I found out his name was Nathan, and he played basketball for Marquette University. This was his last year, and the NBA was looking to recruit him. He was here tonight with a bunch of his teammates, celebrating a game they had won the night before. What I liked most about this guy was that he wasn’t coming on strong and he was very polite. He spoke to me like he had manners, and I must admit, for the first time in a long time, I was not thinking about David and our issues. We sat at the bar and talked all night, until my girls were ready to go. We exchanged numbers and promised each other we would keep in touch.

  I had never thought in a million years that I would be this attracted to someone other than David. He was all I knew. But I felt at peace with Nathan, and I had known him for only a few hours. When we left the bar, though, I immediately started thinking about David. All this drinking had made me horny, and I missed him, but I refused to give in. So, I took my lonely ass back to my parents’ house and cuddled up with my baby. I thought of how I was going to make a life for my son and me, without his father if things didn’t change for us.

  Zoe

  I was pissed, to say the least, when I walked up to Imani’s house and my man was walking out her door. I immediately saw red and wanted to attack both of their asses. I had got Imani’s address out of Kevin’s phone, and I had intended to confront her myself. Imagine my surprise when I discovered Kevin was already there, and this heifer was standing in the doorway, with nothing on but a bra and panties. When Kevin brought his ass home, he was met by the sight of his clothes burning on our barbecue grill in the backyard. I knew he hadn’t slept with her, because she had confirmed that they hadn’t gone to bed, but his ass should not have been there. Since I couldn’t take my anger out on Imani, I had decided he would have to do.

  I had been dealing with crazy bitches since I got with Kevin. First, Sam, and now this bitch Imani. I made Kevin change his number, because Imani had been calling him all night, and I was ready to go over that bitch’s house and blow her ass out of her misery. Things calmed down after that, but I knew I was going to have to beat her ass again, because Imani seemed to be the same way Sam was. To make matters worse, I had just found out that I was six weeks pregnant, and I hadn’t told Kevin yet. I had held out on him after the Imani situation for about a month, and as soon as I gave him some, his ass had got me knocked up.

  I knew I needed to tell him that we had a baby coming soon, but honestly, I didn’t know how he was going to feel or if we were even ready to be parents. We had so much drama going on in our lives, I didn’t know if this was going to be an added pressure that we really didn’t need. Whatever the consequences were, we had to deal with this pregnancy, because I refused to get rid of my baby. The pain I had felt when I lost my baby by Dontae was so excruciating. I had never felt so much pain in my life. Getting hit by a car caused less pain.

  I had to get my life in order because I couldn’t let stress cause me to have a miscarriage. So, I had to do whatever it took to make sure that I had a healthy baby—even if that meant leaving the man I loved. I loved Kevin, and I did want to be with him, because he was a good guy, but I couldn’t keep getting out of character and fighting women who didn’t know how to let go. Hopefully, things would get better. If not, then I was going to be forced to make the decision to walk away.

  Sam

  I was still hurt and pissed off about the events that had taken place at my so-called sister’s wedding. I didn’t want her to have a happy ending, because she didn’t deserve it. She had stolen so many years of my life from me, which I would never get back, and it was time that she finally paid for what she had done. I had been sitting in my bed for the past hour, with my legs pulled up to my chest, rocking back and forth, with tears streaming down my face, thinking about the childhood I had had without my father. As a child, I had cried myself to sleep every night, and I had prayed to God that he would send my father, but he had never come, and that was because Mo had had him all along.

  Did she know how bad it hurt not to have your father in your life? Did she understand that feeling you got when you longed for something all your life and you never got it? She was the reason I had done all the fuck-up shit I had done over the years. If I had had my father, none of this would have happened. I started kicking and screaming on top of my bed and yelling, “I hate you. I hate you.” Tremaine tried to enter the room when he heard my screams, but I had locked the door.

  “Baby, are you okay?” he yelled, but I didn’t respond. Instead, I pulled my legs back up to my chest and screamed and cried some more.

  “Baby, open the door! Is someone in there with you?” he yelled.

  I could hear the panic in his voice, but I couldn’t come out of the trance I was in. I started mumbling, “She’s dead. She’s dead,” as I rocked back and forth. I heard a loud crash, and it was Tremaine. He had kicked in the door. He rushed over to me and checked me out.

  “Baby, what’s wrong? And who’s dead?” he asked as he sat down next to me, but I couldn’t respond, because all I saw were visions of me getting rid of Mo for good. I didn’t see or hear him get up and leave the room, but he came back moments later and held me tight. I was still crying and mumbling things. I didn’t know how long we sat there before my dad arrived at our house.

  Tremaine threw me over his shoulder and carried me out of the house. When they tried to put me in the car, I began to kick, scream, and shout out all types of things. They were finally able to get me in the car. I didn’t remember anything after all of that. All I knew was that I wo
ke up in the mental institution.

  Sam

  I could not believe my dad had taken me to the mental institution. When he’d arrived at our house, he immediately knew I was having one of my episodes, so he’d brought me here. I had never wanted Tremaine to see this side of me. I had tried so hard to hide my disorder from him and everyone else. I had stopped taking my pills long ago, and every time I felt an episode coming on, I’d been able to control it and calm myself down, but on that day, I hadn’t been able to. I was released after being held there for a week. They made sure that they sent me home with my pills. I had told my dad to come and get me, because I didn’t want to face Tremaine, so I was surprised to see Tremaine and our son standing out front, waiting for me. I was pissed with my dad, and I would deal with him later. I knew that sooner or later I was going to have to face Tremaine, but I just didn’t want to do it so soon.

  My son ran to me, and I picked him up and kissed him all over his face. No matter how medicated they had had me, I had still missed my son with everything in me. I walked over to the car, trying to avoid Tremaine. I was so ashamed and afraid that he was going to leave me, and I wasn’t able to face that right now, either. That would only make me crazier, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to save all my energy for Mo. Thoughts of her stealing my life were what had caused my episode. I strapped my son in his seat and tried to get in the back with him, but Tremaine stopped me.

  “Samariah, don’t do that,” he said, grabbing my arm.

  “Do what?” I mumbled.

  “Avoid me. Can I please have a hug and a kiss?” he said, shocking me. I was hesitant at first, but then I fell into his arms. He lifted my chin so that I was looking into his eyes. He brought his lips to mine, and I melted into his arms. I really loved this man, and I hoped I didn’t scare him away with my disorder. We finally finished our kiss and got in the car.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked.

  I nodded my head yes.

  He took me to IHOP. We sat down, and we placed our order. We sat in silence for a while, but then our silence was broken.

  “Baby, why didn’t you tell me that you have that disorder?” he asked.

  “It’s not easy to tell someone you have multiple personality disorder. Plus, I didn’t need you judging me,” I said.

  “Sam, I would never judge. I just felt like I should have known so that I could better help you,” he said.

  “If I had told you, you would have left me, like everyone else who I thought loved me,” I said as I began to cry.

  “Sam, I love you. As a matter fact, I am in love with you, and at this point, there is no turning back. I am not leaving you. I am going to help you through this,” he said.

  I looked deep into his eyes, and I could see the love he had for me radiating off him. I began to feel bad for all the bad things I had done over the years. Seeing how much he loved me made me want to get better for him. “Tremaine, I don’t deserve you. I have done so many horrible things. Maybe we should separate. I don’t want to cause you any more trouble or pain than I already have,” I told him.

  “Like I said, Samariah, we are in this together. I am not leaving you, and we are going to do whatever it takes so that we can get you better—especially for our son,” he said.

  “Okay,” I said as he pulled me close to him.

  I planned to get myself together right after I destroy that bitch Mo. . . .

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Sharon

  Since the day I walked out on Tim, I had felt nothing but peace and happiness. Cameron treated me so good that I was almost scared to allow myself to feel more for him than I already did. Tim had done a number on my heart, and I was not trying to go back down that road again. As I had originally thought, Tim hadn’t signed the divorce papers, but the judge had granted me my divorce, anyway. Now I was finally free from his ass. It had been about three months since the divorce was finalized and about seven months since we had separated.

  From what I had heard, he and Kendra had finally made things official, and you know what? I didn’t even care. He was now her headache, and he was going to do the same shit to her that he had done to me, but maybe even worse, because Kendra was a dick-sick whore, and she didn’t care how she had Tim as long as she had him. You know what? She and Tim were going to get what was coming to them because of the way they had treated me.

  Enough about them. They had taken enough of my energy. Things with Cameron were so exciting and brand new. He had taken a month off work just so that I could get things off my mind and focus on a future with him and on letting go of my past. We’d gone to Jamaica for two weeks, and then we’d left there and flown to Italy. That was the best time I had had in a long time, and I couldn’t be better. I had finally let Tim go, and a weight had been lifted off me. I was finally happy and free, and I had God and Cameron to thank for that. Tim had had a good thing, but instead, he wanted these ratchet whores who were not good for anything but a fuck. Even though I was over what he had done to me, I was still looking for an opportunity to get in Kendra’s ass for all the hurt and pain she had caused me.

  Kendra

  Guess what? I finally had my man, and it felt damn good. We hadn’t made things official right away. He’d waited until his divorce was final before we said we were officially a couple. I didn’t understand why we had even waited that long, because he had practically moved in when he realized that things were really over between him and Sharon. He’d ignored my calls and texts for about two weeks after Sharon gave him those pictures, along with the divorce papers, but after that, he was right back sucking, licking, and long stroking me like nothing had ever happened.

  I had made sure to check that bitch Madison, and I had told her to stay away from my man. Now that we were together, I was going to make sure his ass stayed faithful to me. I planned to be on him like white on rice. It had been cool for him to sleep around when we were not official, but now I was not having it. I mean, I wouldn’t leave him if I caught him cheating, but I would beat him and whatever ho he had decided he wanted to cheat on me with. I knew it sounded crazy, but I was crazy in love with Tim, so I wouldn’t leave him for something as small as cheating.

  I had waited twenty-plus years for this moment, and it was finally a reality. Since his house was bigger, we had decided it was best that I gave up my condo and move in with him. I didn’t even feel bad about sleeping in the same bed he and Sharon had shared or living in the same house that they had shared. Like I said before, I’d take him however I could get him. However, I did make him get a new comforter set.

  Tonight I cooked one of his favorites, which was smothered pork chops with homemade mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and homemade biscuits. I had his plate ready, along with his favorite drink, because I was expecting him home at any minute now. I poured myself a glass of wine while I waited for my man. Three more glasses of wine and almost two hours later, his ass finally decided to come home.

  “So, what took you so long to get home?” I said and then took another sip of my wine.

  “I had to stay at the office late to finish up some last-minute paperwork for this case I’m working on,” he said as he loosened up his tie and avoided eye contact with me.

  “Why weren’t you answering my phone calls? And why, when I called your office, did your secretary say that you left the office for lunch and did not return?” I quizzed. I knew his ass was going to come home and lie to my face. When I had realized he was an hour late getting home, I had called his phone and his office. Of course, he had not picked up his phone, and what he didn’t know was that his secretary and I were closer than he thought, and she gave me the tea on anything I wanted to know.

  “Look, Kendra, she has no idea what’s she talking about. And kill all that questioning. Where is my dinner and drink?” he said, irritated.

  I didn’t push it further, because I knew that all he would do was continue to lie. I got up, heated up his food, and made him another drink. I leaned in to give him a kiss
, and I was overwhelmed with the smell of Chanel perfume. My first impulse was to slap his ass and throw the drink I had just made him right in his face, and that was exactly what I did.

  “Girl, what the hell is your problem?” he snapped as he stared at me with pissed-off eyes.

  “What bitch were you with? I smell her perfume all over your trifling ass,” I said.

  “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Your ass is always tripping,” he said.

  “Your ass ain’t nothing but a liar! I know one thing. You and whatever bitch you were with better end that shit right now, before I kill both of your asses!” I yelled, and then I stormed off to our bedroom.

  Of course, his ass didn’t follow me. I knew one thing. I had been waiting for this moment for too long, and I wouldn’t let any other woman steal what belonged to me.

  Monique

  So I had figured out why Sam was so crazy. My dad had called me when he admitted her to the hospital so that I could support my sister. I had refused to go and see her because all she desired to do was make my life a living hell. I had considered paying her a visit while she was there, just to let her know that I knew her little secret, but I knew I would just be stooping to her level if I did that. I now knew that Sam was capable of anything, and I truly believed she had something to do with Zoe’s accident, and she was probably the one who had hurt Bria too.

  My thoughts were interrupted by a message that had been left on my phone. I did not recognize the number, but I clicked on the message, and my heart literally stopped in my chest. It was another video of Sam and Corey having sex. I knew shit between us was too good to be true, and I knew Sam was the sender of the video. She refused to let me be happy, and I was sick of her bullying. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take.