Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)

by Masters, Kallypso

  Her gaze returned to the animal. “Should we leave some food out for him?”

  “No. It would weaken his ability to survive. I won’t be here forever. Not to mention the fact that food would attract other animals we may not want hanging around the house. There is a delicate balance with nature out here and it’s best not to upset that.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “Turn around and walk toward me slowly. Don’t make eye contact with the coyote. Just look at me.”

  She realized staring at the animal probably made him feel challenged, although he didn’t seem to want to attack her when she did so. Megan took one step, then another, never quite meeting Ryder’s or the coyote’s gaze. The animal remained still. Watching. Silent.

  When she reached Ryder’s side, he wrapped an arm around her. The coyote turned and trotted up the hillside.

  “You weren’t afraid, were you?”

  “No. More than a little annoyed that I didn’t have my camera with me.”

  Ryder chuckled.

  “I’m sure you’ll have other opportunities if you stay out here any time at all.”

  “You don’t want to send me packing after that scene in the kitchen?”

  He grinned. “Do you know how good it sounds for a beautiful young woman to tell a screwed-up, old Marine like me she’s turned on by him?”

  They began walking toward the house. “Well, it’s the truth. I’m not sure I can turn off those feelings. Things might get a little awkward if we spend much more time together.”

  “Don’t you worry. I can make sure things don’t get out of control between us.”

  Oh, is that so?

  What if she turned the tables on him and showed him she could exert a little control herself? Maybe Ryder needed to surrender some of the tight control he had on himself to someone else? She’d read about relationships where men and women who were always in control sometimes liked allowing someone else to call the shots, make the decisions.

  She wondered if perhaps he was interested in certain forms of kink. From what she’d read in novels anyway, kink didn’t have to involve sex.

  She wished she had an internet connection out here to see if what she read about in romance novels and on erotica story sites had any basis in reality, but her cell phone barely worked out here. Ryder didn’t have a smartphone she could use to surf the web to learn more.

  Well, maybe she could learn by asking Ryder questions. Would he be interested in some non-sexual fun and games like the ones she’d read about on a certain erotica Web site. Not that she’d needed that site for sexual stimulation since meeting Ryder Wilson.

  She intended to make sure the discussions at dinner tonight were very…stimulating.

  Chapter Eleven

  Ryder marveled at how Megan fit in out here. He’d thought her a pampered city girl, but nothing seemed to faze her. Sure, she probably wouldn’t buddy up to a rattler anytime soon, but watching her in silent communication with the coyote had impressed the hell out of him. Most city girls would have screamed and run, possibly encouraging a chase by the coyote. Not Megan.

  Now, if only he could get her to stop trying to get into his bed. That wasn’t going to happen.

  He carried two plates of chicken stir-fry to the table, and she followed with her glass of white wine and his bottle of beer. He missed having a beer with his dinner but apparently her brother preferred wine and harder liquor.

  At least the earlier awkward moment seemed to have been diffused. She’d probably only come on to him earlier to divert his attention from his meltdown. Nothing about his post-traumatic stress issues seemed daunting to her, either.

  How anyone could be attracted to a man who broke down like that stumped him, though. Definitely had to have been feeling sorry for him.

  They ate in silence at first, making him wonder if maybe the scene in the kitchen earlier would cause trouble in their friendship. But Megan managed to get the conversation going again.

  “Why did your parents name you Ryder?”

  He swallowed a mouthful of food. “You really want to know?”

  “Sure!”

  “Well, seems they were moving from Idaho to New Mexico when Marcia was about fifteen months old and—”

  “No way!” She set her fork down. “You’re named for a Ryder rental truck?”

  He shrugged and grinned. “Sure enough. Guess it’s a good thing they didn’t rent a U-Haul.”

  She cupped her chin in her hand. “I have to hear the rest of this story.”

  “I’m told I was conceived in the back.”

  “I thought having another baby would keep your father around, but he planned to leave as soon as we returned the Ryder truck.”

  He tamped down the memory and tried to make light of the story for Megan. “They left Marcia with Mom’s mom during the move. Because they couldn’t afford a motel, they slept in the back.”

  “That’s too funny!”

  Ryder resumed eating although his appetite was pretty much gone. He enjoyed being with Megan, though, talking about all kinds of things or just watching her take photos. Watching her excitement when she discovered new things brought him a lot of joy, too.

  “Ryder, have you ever tried kink?”

  The mouthful of veggies he swallowed at that moment caught in his throat, and he grabbed his beer to wash it down. When he could speak again, he asked, “What did you say?” How long had he tuned out for the conversation to shift so dramatically?

  “Kink. You know, bondage, spanking, things like that. Not necessarily as foreplay to sex, but it can be used as a way to regain control.”

  He set his fork down. “What the hell do you know about kink?”

  “Well, I’ve read some books.”

  “Like the one all over the news lately?”

  She raised her chin in defiance. “Among others.”

  God save the world from people with enough general knowledge to get them in over their heads. “Listen, there’s a lot of misinformation dispensed in those novels.”

  “But some are well-researched and written by people who live the lifestyle or consult with those who do. Don’t worry. I know the difference between what’s realistic and what’s fantasy, Ryder.”

  “Do you? Tell me what you’ve learned.”

  “That a healthy BDSM or kink relationship involves building a deep trust in each other, open and honest communication, using safewords, negotiating and sharing your hard and soft limits, and always involves activities mutually consented upon between adults.”

  Time to see if she truly knew fantasy from reality. “Should I get out a pen and paper and draw up a lengthy contract for us to begin then?”

  Her frown indicated confusion. “Of course not. I know a written contract in a kink relationship isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. That’s where trust comes in. You need to trust that your play partner won’t cry abuse later. It’s risky to play with the wrong person because of the societal taboo. There can be serious consequences suffered. That’s where verbal negotiations and lots of communication come in.” She paused for a breath and smiled. “But a checklist might come in handy. I could list my limits and likes, and you yours.”

  “I’m impressed you’ve done your homework. But we aren’t drawing up a list either.”

  She blushed. “Well, the lifestyle has fascinated me from the moment I read my first BDSM romance novel a few years ago. You have a Dominant and a submissive usually, although there are other combinations. Generally, the Dom or Top acts upon the submissive or bottom, who receives the action.”

  “Might I ask which of those roles you see yourself in?”

  “Oh, the Dominant, of course.”

  “Is that so?” From what he’d observed of Megan he questioned her self-assessment, but she wouldn’t be the first submissive whose judgment was clouded by the way she dominated the rest of her world. All of the subs he’d known had been very dominant in their businesses, even their homes. But in the bedroom?

&n
bsp; He’d love to know about her orientation—but had no intention of finding out.

  She went on trying to convince him she knew. “I like being in control of everything. It’s why I plan to be an independent photographer rather than work for someone else. It’s also why I chose to apprentice during college to prepare for my career. And—

  Ryder shook his head.

  “You don’t believe me?”

  “Actions speak more loudly than words.”

  “What kind of proof do you need?”

  “I don’t need to know one way or the other. Just keep your options open in case you ever find a safe and experienced Dom to work with.”

  Why did the thought of her being with another Dom bother him? She sure as hell shouldn’t learn about kink from him. Well, it couldn’t hurt to talk about it, he supposed.

  “Kink can be fun. My ex-wife and I enjoyed some bedroom kink in our relationship. It can spice things up for sure.”

  “Only in the bedroom?”

  He drew a breath while trying to decide how much he wanted to say about that relationship. “At first. Back when we first began to play, I had no idea how to be a Dom. We tried a few things I’d heard about from the guys I served with, but I was in over my head in no time. Some of my buddies knew about a club in LA where I eventually was mentored by an authentic Dom.”

  She learned toward him and propped her chin on her palm. “What kinds of things did you learn there?”

  Her wide-eyed innocence had him wishing they’d branched off on an entirely different discussion tonight. How the hell had they gotten onto this subject anyway?

  “I don’t think you need to know.”

  “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to pry if it’s hard to talk about her.”

  Hell, he wasn’t finding it difficult to talk about his ex. His feelings for her were long dead and buried. But someone with Megan’s curiosity and willfulness might go looking in all the wrong places for the Dom of her dreams. She’d probably wind up hurt, or worse. There were too many asshole posers out there, and it only seemed to be getting worse thanks to the media’s clueless and irresponsible reporting.

  Which is exactly why I should talk to her. Maybe I can use the opportunity to test her knowledge and make sure her information doesn’t get her killed.

  “It’s not that I can’t talk about my ex. I just don’t see any point in having this conversation. Save discussion and negotiation for when you become serious about someone.”

  “Sorry. Just curious.” She glanced down at her plate before meeting his gaze again. “You’re the first person I’ve met who actually has any experience in the lifestyle, so I thought I’d ask some questions.”

  “Everyone’s kink is different. Knowing what I’m into probably isn’t going to help you down the road. Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid like go to a Dom’s house for a first date.”

  “Of course I wouldn’t! I’m not even looking for a Dom. I just thought…” She leaned closer to him, lowering her voice to a husky whisper. “I hear there is great freedom in allowing yourself to be restrained by someone you trust. You’ve been locked up inside your head and your body for so long—”

  “Whoa! Being the bottom or submissive isn’t my kink.”

  “Have you tried it?”

  “Only while being trained to use new techniques or toys. A Dom doesn’t try anything that hasn’t been tried on him first so he knows what his submissive is experiencing. But that was enough for me to know I’m a Top, not a bottom.”

  “You know you can trust me. Perhaps things have changed for you since you trained as a Dom.”

  Had they ever, but the thought of relinquishing control to anyone enough to be restrained, well, no fucking way. “Sorry, Red. You’re barking up the wrong tree.” Change the focus of this conversation back where it should be. “But I’d bet dollars to doughnuts you’re more submissive than Dominant.”

  “Maybe I just like the idea of playing games in bed and won’t care if I’m on the giving or receiving end.” She winked at him.

  “And just how many times have you played in bed with a man?”

  Her smiled faded, and she sat back in her chair. “Touché.”

  Damn, he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings.

  He was going to kick himself in the morning for this, but at least she’d leave here knowing if she was a Top, a bottom, or maybe even a switch who enjoyed both ends of kink. “If you’d like to try a little experiment—one that doesn’t involve a bed—I think we can quickly determine which side of the BDSM coin you’re on.”

  She smiled, eagerness lighting her emerald eyes once more. “What do you have in mind?”

  “I’m going to ask you to stand, and I’m going to be behind you.” No fear. Perhaps if he ratcheted it up a notch. “I’ll want to bind your arms, mostly as a safety precaution in case my guess is wrong about your D/s orientation. Will that be all right with you?”

  Damn, did her pupils just dilate? “Absolutely. I’d love to feel what it’s like to be tied up.”

  “Do you mind if I pull your hair?”

  “Pull my hair?” The huskiness in her voice told him she was excited by the idea—or was it fear? “Um,” her tongue flicked across her lower lip, “it sounds really sexy.”

  No, definitely arousal. “This isn’t about sex. It’s about that exchange of power you keep talking about wanting to explore.” He waited a moment, but when she didn’t respond, he prompted her. “So, yes or no? Would having your hair pulled bother you?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t had my hair pulled since Patrick tormented me as a kid.”

  “I’m not going to pull your hair like your brother did. It’s simply a means of exerting control over your body.”

  “Through my hair?”

  Jesus, what was he getting into here? She had no clue. Whatever made him want to introduce her to kink in the first place?

  “Let’s forget all this. I don’t think you’re ready to find out whether you’re Dominant or submissive. The chances of you needing to know are—”

  She placed her hand on his. “But I trust you more than I would any other man.” She scooted her chair back and stood. “Let’s do this. I’m curious now. I want to know.” She moved away from the table and turned her back to him. “Do I need to put my hair in a ponytail or something?”

  Her long, gorgeous curls covered the top half of her back. He got hard just thinking about winding the long strands around his hand. God forgive him for what he was about to do. He’d do his penance tonight while lying alone in bed thinking about her and what might have been if he wasn’t so fucked up.

  With a sigh, Ryder stood. “No need. Just stand there as you are. Relax a little, though. Do you trust that I won’t do anything to harm you?”

  She nodded. Hell, she hardly knew him. How could she trust him like that? He didn’t trust her that much.

  “I need to go get something in the bedroom. I want you to stand here and think about what you’ve asked me to do. Make sure it’s what you want.”

  “Oh, I’m—”

  “I said: Think about it. I’ll ask again before we proceed tonight.”

  Ryder walked down the hall to his bedroom and then into the closet. He pushed the hanging clothes aside until he reached the back corner where he bent down to pick up his toy bag. He’d bought some new things after returning from Fallujah, hoping to resume his relationship with Sherry, but had never gotten the chance to play with them. She’d wanted nothing to do with him by that point.

  He lifted the bag and carried it to the bed where he unzipped it. Ah, there’s what he needed. He pulled out the forty-foot bundle of solid-braid nylon rope and returned to the dining room where he found Megan standing with her hands at her sides and her shoulders squared as if for battle.

  Was she or wasn’t she? Her body sent mixed signals. One way to find out.

  As he drew near, her body relaxed visibly, rather than growing any stiffer. Perhaps her stance had been one of fear o
r uncertainty. She really did trust him, for whatever reason. He hoped she’d never put that trust so quickly into the hands of someone who didn’t deserve the gift.

  He hooked the rope over the back of the chair she had vacated minutes earlier. Drawing closer to where she stood, he placed his hands on her shoulders. She leaned a little closer to him. Wanting to ease her strained muscles before he began, he moved his hands up the sides of her neck, massaging as he went. She relaxed some. When he reached her hair, he splayed his fingers open and slid up both sides of her head as he began massaging her scalp. The spicy scent of her shampoo or perfume assailed his nostrils.

  “Mmmm. Feels so good.”

  “Shhh. Don’t say anything. If you need me to stop, though, just say Scarlet. That will be your safeword. We can’t use red because you might confuse it if I spoke it since I use it as a nickname.”

  “You get to use the safeword, too?”

  “Yes, Baby. It’s for anyone in the scene who needs to put a stop to things.”

  “Oh, well, I don’t want you to stop. But I should point out that just because I like to have my scalp massaged doesn’t mean I’m a submissive.”

  “True. Now, try to behave and remain silent unless I ask a direct question. Focus on your breathing. In. And out. Slowly. I want you to get in tune with your body. Listen to it for guidance.”

  While he hoped she was taking time to prepare herself, he turned, retrieved the bundle of rope, and loosened it, looking for the ends. Standing behind her once more, he divided her hair down the middle and placed half over each shoulder.

  “I’m going to bind your arms now. It’s purely a safety measure. I don’t want you to be hurt. Are you ready?”

  “Y-yes.”

  “Good. Place your hands behind you with the backs of your hands resting on your butt and palms facing outward.” She complied, but fisted her hands. “Relax your fingers and stretch them toward the floor. Keep your body—especially your arms, hands, and fingers—relaxed so I can manipulate them as needed. You simply concentrate on your breathing. In. And out.”