Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)

by Masters, Kallypso

  He pressed wet kisses against her inner thigh, and she realized he wasn’t facing toward her but away from her. That would be an awfully tricky position—

  Oh, God! Surely he didn’t mean to—

  His mouth pressed against her curly mound. She tried to squirm away, but his hands applied pressure to her thighs as he opened her up.

  “So beautiful.”

  Heat suffused her face. He was looking at her—there? She had no words to say until his wet tongue flicked against her clit.

  “Oh, no! Stop!”

  Why didn’t he stop? He continued to play with her clit with his tongue. Oh, yeah. Stop wasn’t a safeword. She didn’t think she liked this, even though it was anything but physically painful. Should she use her safeword. She really should.

  The feel of his tongue on her most secret place felt so delicious, she couldn’t bring herself to stop him.

  God help her, she wanted this.

  She wanted him.

  She lifted her pelvis to give him better access, but he pressed her back into the mattress with his hands on her pelvis. His tongue continued to focus its actions on her clit and everything else faded from her thoughts until he began pressing a finger against her vagina, and she nearly came off the bed. No! She willed her body to lie still and found that, when she didn’t squirm around much, he hit the mark more often.

  Maintain discipline.

  Be a good submissive—and he will reward you.

  His finger entered her vagina again at the same moment when the flicking of his tongue increased against her clit. An involuntary movement, her hip jerked upward.

  His mouth left her. “Lie still.” His firm command had her lowering her butt to the mattress and waiting for him to resume.

  “I think you’ve had enough.”

  “Noooo! Don’t leave me hanging like this, Sir!”

  “Remember yourself, Baby Girl.”

  If ever there was an inappropriate time to call her a baby girl, it was now. Her nails bit into her palms as she fought to keep from saying something that would lead to punishment. Or discipline as he liked to call it.

  When his tongue lowered to her clit again, she let out a sob of relief. He wasn’t going to stop after all. His tongue teased the sides of her clit hood, and he slowly built up the tension once more. As she neared the crest, her thighs began to shake.

  Close. So close.

  His finger eased inside her again. All thought fled her mind as his tongue flicked hard against her sensitive clit.

  Holding her body as still as possible, she let the pressure build slowly until she hurtled over the final hill.

  “Oh, God. Oh, God. Ryder, yes, yes, yes!”

  Just before pleasure turned to pain, Ryder slowed down the motion of his tongue on her clit. His finger slid from her vagina, and she slumped against the wet sheets. She must be drenched from head to toe. But who cared?

  “That was…the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”

  Ryder moved, and the motion of the mattress stilled. Without a word, he began removing the cuff on her wrist and then her ankle. She’d been spread eagle so long her muscles ached as she slowly brought them closer to the center of the bed.

  She sensed something was wrong, but didn’t know what. “Sir, are you okay?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  He had moved to start releasing her right ankle now. His tone had changed. What had happened? She couldn’t wait for him to remove the final restraint and the blindfold. She began shaking, possibly from the cold wet sheet against her body, perhaps from his very real withdrawal.

  What happened?

  Chapter Seventeen

  Ryder removed the last of the wrist cuffs. Her explosive response had shaken him to his core. What the fuck was he doing giving her an orgasm like that? He’d just taken this relationship into an area he’d sworn he wouldn’t.

  Could he then say goodbye in a couple days when she left?

  No fucking clue.

  He lifted the blindfold from her eyes.

  She blinked several times before zeroing in on him. Worry wrinkled her brow, and he bent to kiss the furrows away.

  He smiled, but avoided making eye contact again. This woman was too perceptive for his own good.

  “What’s wrong, Ryder? Did I do something wrong?”

  Fuck.

  “Nothing’s wrong, Baby. You came undone beautifully for me. Now, let’s get you out of that wet spot.” He’d stretched her to the limit by prolonging her release.

  Her face flushed, and he helped her to sit up and then maneuver onto her feet. When her knees buckled from the position she’d been in, he scooped her into his arms.

  “Why don’t you sleep in my bed tonight?”

  She reached up and stroked his cheek, smiling again. “Are you sure?”

  To be sure she hadn’t misunderstood, he added, “I’ll take the couch.”

  “Oh.” Her obvious disappointment told him she had expected him to join her. Hell, he was in deep enough without adding sleeping together to his list of sins.

  “We need to talk about what happened tonight. But would you like to get dressed first?”

  She bit the inside of her lower lip and nodded.

  “Think you can stand on your own now?”

  Once again she nodded, but didn’t say anything. He lowered her feet to the floor near her dresser and watched as she opened the drawer and pulled out a silky looking nightie.

  “I’m going to shower first.”

  “Fine. Meet me in the living room when you’re dressed.” He looked at her choice of gowns again. “It’s chilly tonight. You might want to wear something…warmer.”

  She shook her head and padded off to the bathroom. He walked into the living room where the blanket he’d wrapped her in last night laid folded on the armrest of the couch. Shaking it out, he placed it next to him and sat while waiting for her.

  He sure could use a stiff drink tonight, but wouldn’t add getting buzzed to the list of things he’d done wrong around this girl. Her footsteps alerted him to her presence, and he turned to watch her walk into the room, the nightgown clinging to her body and only reaching her upper thighs. Actually, he could see her panties because she’d lifted her arms to towel dry her hair.

  “My hair is going to be so frizzy tomorrow.”

  When she hesitated about where to sit, he held his arm out to her and drew her onto his lap.

  “Aftercare?”

  “Yeah. We covered a lot of ground tonight. How did you feel about the various sensations I introduced you to?”

  “Loved the first one.”

  “An ostrich feather.”

  “Oh, that’s exactly what I thought. But I hated the ice or whatever that cold thing was.”

  “I probably shouldn’t have placed it right on your clit like that without any warm-up, so to speak.”

  “I can’t imagine anywhere it would feel good.”

  “You might enjoy having ice rubbed on your nipples sometime.”

  She plucked at the lapel of his leather vest. “Hmmm. Maybe we can try that tomorrow night.”

  He tried to tell himself this was for the best for her, but he still wanted to kick himself in the ass for saying it.

  “Megan, I’m not sure I can continue to train you.”

  Her hand stilled. “Is it because I kept talking when I shouldn’t and I couldn’t keep—”

  Ryder placed his pointer finger over her lips to still her words. “You did everything perfectly for a beginner. I’m the one with the problem.”

  “I didn’t notice any problems, Sir.”

  He wished she’d call him Ryder—just not the way she’d shouted his name out when she came a little while ago. But technically, their last scene together wasn’t over. He needed to talk with her about what he was feeling. Why they needed to put an end to their playtime.

  He scrubbed his hand over his face. “I should be drawn and quartered for getting you into kink. We both knew it was temporary, but
now I have to worry about what you might do when you go home and start trying to find someone who will continue to train you.”

  Megan pushed away from him, and from the glare in her gaze, he prepared for incoming fire.

  “Who do you think you are? Why do you get to unilaterally decide it’s over? I thought the lifestyle was all about communication and mutual agreements.”

  “It is. But as a Dominant, it’s my responsibility to do no harm.”

  “What if I tell you I have no regrets? You’ve helped me explore something I’ve been curious about, but would never have tried with just anyone. Stop trying to be responsible for everything in your world, Ryder. Because some of us can take responsibility for ourselves.”

  She scooted off his lap and started to walk away before turning around again. He expected tears, but she wasn’t finished being pissed with him yet.

  “I’m not going to fall to pieces just because we aren’t dating when I go back to Albuquerque. I’ve lived on my own a lot of years without having a man there to take care of me. I never intended for things to go this far, and I’m sorry. You aren’t the only one here who’s damaged goods, Ryder. Know what? I can’t have babies. I chose the coward’s way out rather than suffer, so certain I would never meet someone I wanted to make babies with.”

  Tears did fill her eyes now. Jesus, how could he unfuck this? He’d hoped they could at least stay friends. “I don’t—”

  “You know what?” She didn’t give him a chance to respond. “I’m a big girl, and I’m going to be fine whether I continue exploring kink with you or not. That’s not who I am at my core. I just thought it would be fun—and it was. Well, until now.”

  She glanced down, clenching her hands in front of her. He stood and started toward her, but she held up her hand to stop his words. “I think I’ll head back home in the morning.”

  Ryder’s chest ached at her words, and not just because of what Top would say. “That’s not a good idea. We don’t know that the danger is over.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Patrick should be home tonight or early tomorrow. If there’s any threat, it will be handled under his watch. Besides, I didn’t come here because I was afraid of someone hurting me. I just didn’t want to see you in so much pain.” Two tears rolled down her cheeks. “But if you need to hide out here alone, so be it.”

  Is that what she thought he did here—hide?

  Well, what else would you call it?

  And while he tried to convince himself she was the one who needed him, the idea of her going away showed him just how much he’d come to need her here. He’d hoped for at least one more day together.

  All the more reason she needed to go home. He couldn’t handle long-term attachments to people, not even someone he enjoyed being with as much as Megan. People he loved always came to expect more of him than he was able to give.

  This woman deserved someone as strong as she was, someone who would walk beside her and protect her from anyone who tried to harm her. Okay, he’d managed that last part these past few days, not that there’d been any enemies or intruders to fight off.

  “Eventually, my shortcomings would have made it impossible for us to have any kind of long-term relationship.”

  Shortcomings? She was perfect. He was the flawed one. His mind had been so busy processing the fact that she wanted to leave that he’d lost track of the conversation somewhere along the way.

  “Megan, there’s nothing that would keep me from—”

  Shit! What had he been about to say? Loving her? He raked his fingers through his hair and stood up. He couldn’t love her the way she should be loved.

  “I’ll follow you back to Albuquerque tomorrow.”

  “Suit yourself, but you don’t have to. Patrick will be there.”

  He hated seeing her leave.

  “Good night, Ryder. And you won’t have to sleep on the sofa. I’ll just change my sheets and lay a towel on my bed if needed.”

  She turned and walked away. He didn’t bother arguing with her about sleeping arrangements knowing putting an end to all ties probably would be for the best anyway. Having her sleep in his bed would only complicate matters. He wanted no reminders of her in his bed.

  Or his life.

  Good luck with that, asshole.

  He knew he’d never forget Megan Gallagher no matter how many years passed.

  * * *

  Packing her things took less than fifteen minutes, but she hoped to leave soon after daybreak. No sense prolonging the pain by adding more memories to their time together. She’d already spent too much time with him, revealed too much of herself.

  And for what? He hadn’t exactly reassured her that having his babies was no big deal. The man would make a good father, teaching his children about the world around them. Images of a little boy or girl with his black hair and tanned skin brought tears to her eyes. She brushed them away.

  Ryder had never intended for anything to happen with them beyond these few days. She knew that, so why did it feel as if her insides were being ripped out again?

  This was worse than any pain she’d experienced with endometriosis, because her heart wasn’t so easily repaired. Why had she thought his knowing about her defects might make him see they weren’t all that different? Both had unseen scars they hid from the world.

  With or without the ability to have babies, he’d pushed her away tonight. Here she’d thought a lack of reproductive organs would be the deal breaker in a relationship with a man, but even before he’d known about her defect, he’d been ready to call it quits.

  Ryder doesn’t want me.

  Rather than try to sleep, she opened her laptop and set it on the desk to edit more of her photos. The few images she’d taken of Ryder when he didn’t know she was photographing him drew her in. In a number of unguarded moments, he appeared to have been enjoying her company. Sometimes the camera could deceive. A trick of the lighting, perhaps. An unusual angle.

  Still, she’d miss those times with him.

  Could she settle for friendship with him over not having him in her life at all? Did he even care enough about her to want any contact beyond the morning to come?

  “I said, I’m here. I don’t make promises I can’t keep…”

  She’d promised to be there anytime he needed someone to talk with. Would he take her up on her offer if things got rough for him?

  When the dawn broke and the light spilled through her window, she closed the computer and placed it in her bag. Picking up her things, she wheeled her suitcase into the kitchen.

  Ryder sat at the table, a mug of coffee before him.

  He met her gaze. “Good morning.”

  She couldn’t think of anything good about it, other than the coffee. “That smells good.” He started to get up. “No, sit. I’ll get my own.” She set her purse and bags down beside the suitcase.

  “Let me fix you some breakfast.”

  “No, thanks. I couldn’t eat anything.” The thought of keeping anything down in this room where he’d begun to introduce her to her submissive side would be ludicrous. “I’ll just have half a cup, and then I should leave.”

  “I wish—”

  She stopped on her way to the coffee pot and placed her hand on his shoulder. “No regrets. But I promised you once that even if you needed someone to talk with at three a.m., or any time, you should call me. That stands. I’ll be there, even if you just want some company.” The thought of him doing something permanent to fix a temporary problem scared her. “If you let me down and I find out, I’ll kick your ass.”

  He grinned up at her. “No worries. I’ve come this far. I’m not going to do anything stupid. Carlos keeps tabs on me, too.”

  Of course, he had Carlos. He didn’t need her. She blinked away the tears before they embarrassed her again and walked up to the counter and poured her coffee. She didn’t even pour half a cup. The sooner she drank this, the sooner she could go back to Patrick’s. He should be home by now.

  She didn�
��t know what she planned to do beyond this summer, but the thought of staying in New Mexico no longer appealed to her. Maybe she’d visit Mom for a while in Chicago. And Adam and Karla might need some help in the coming months. They’d probably love having their own photographer to document their big event.

  Whatever she decided, she’d keep busy. No idle time thinking about what might have been.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ryder sat perched on the red rocks overlooking the valley. The sun was setting behind him, casting a long shadow across the land stretched out below him. The last time he’d come here was with Megan, and her presence remained strong. As the first twenty-four hours of his fasting period came to an end, he prepared his mind for what was to come. Today, he’d looked back over his life, taking inventory while realizing who he needed to seek forgiveness from. The list was long, from his parents to Marcia to Gino and Marc D’Alessio to Sherry and, finally, to Megan.

  He’d spent the day deciding what things he wanted to let go of, from the guilt surrounding the losses and injuries of good warriors to his inability to connect with people in a meaningful, lasting way. Tonight, he would come down from the mountain and be immersed in the centuries-old traditions of the purification lodge. Carlos would keep watch over him during his four day and four night vision quest, but in the sweat lodge, he would be joined by other combat veterans, all seeking healing and hope for their world.

  The crunch of rocks behind him set him on alert.

  “Just me, man. It’s time. The sweat leader is ready.”

  Ryder stood and turned to face his friend. Both wore only a pair of shorts and sandals, even though Carlos wouldn’t be going inside the lodge with him. Instead, he’d agreed to stand guard at the door, protecting those inside.

  He still remembered the surprise in his friend’s voice over the phone two days ago when Ryder called and told him he was ready to participate in the next sweat. His friend had been asking him to do one for years, but Ryder had never deemed himself ready. Perhaps unworthiness was a significant reason for holding back, too.