Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)

by Masters, Kallypso

  Shake it off.

  He needed to shake off the negative thoughts like that. Without speaking aloud, he asked, “Are you my spirit guide animal?”

  He’d waited for days for one to appear, the animal that would guide him spiritually on his new path, but none had come.

  “No, I’m attached to your female. When will she return?”

  He smiled. That made sense, because Megan did embrace both wisdom and playfulness. From what he recalled of the meaning of the coyote spirit animal, being a jokester was one of its main traits.

  “You need to lighten up, Ryder. Play a little. Come on.”

  The day at the Gilman Tunnels, she’d gotten him to play by shedding his boots and socks and wading with her in the freezing-ass-cold Rio Guadalupe. She’d teased him into other playtime, as well, the night they’d first explored her kink side.

  But the coyote also represented bringing a balance of wisdom and playfulness together.

  The coyote left, and Ryder grounded himself again. He picked up his drum and pounded in a rhythm that mimicked a heartbeat. Just as he and Megan had synchronized their breathing, he matched the drumbeats with those of his own beating heart. As the sun set behind him, a vision floated before him, suspended in air over the ledge, appearing to represent the spirit of the rattlesnake Megan had shot.

  The snake’s primal energy force lived on, helping Ryder see that was true of those who had been lost to this world. They lived on in other places in the universe not accessible to him at this time. But always watching over him.

  Carlos’s spirit animal was the snake, and Ryder knew more about the meaning behind this one. If indeed the snake was his as well, his future would hold many healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy.

  “Are you one of my spirit guides?”

  The snake hovered before him, coiled, its rattle moving while not making a sound.

  When the vision began to fade, Ryder called out. “Don’t leave. I need to know!”

  The crunch of Carlos’s boots behind him caused the vision to disappear. “Christ, man, don’t move!”

  Ryder remained still while a skirmish of some sort ensued behind him. Curious when the struggle ended, he turned in time to watch Carlos take a stick and fling a writhing rattlesnake into the rocks where it slithered to safety for the night.

  Ryder grinned, but was too weak to stand on his own. Carlos approached. “That snake was sitting barely a foot away from you. Shit, good thing I came up to check things out before I turned in for the night.”

  “No worries. It wouldn’t hurt me.”

  Carlos seemed puzzled at first then smiled. “Spirit-animal vision?”

  Ryder nodded and returned the smile.

  “Not a moment too soon. It’s time to go to base camp for the closing ceremony.” While some chose to conduct their vision quest alone, one of Ryder’s goals had been to make connections with people again, so he had chosen the group approach.

  Carlos helped him to his feet and Ryder brushed off the red dirt from his black shorts. His friend picked up his empty water bottles, stowed them in a bag, and handed it to Ryder. Carlos carried the heavier drum and stick.

  “Wait. I have some rabbits for tonight’s giveaway.” He’d spent time hunting earlier in the day. While he hadn’t been as successful as he would be with greater strength, he wanted to present something to the shaman and lodge leader as a small token of what Ryder had received from this experience. He bent to pick up the animals carrying them by their hind feet.

  As they walked along, Carlos said, “We truly are brothers then. Let’s go. After the closing, I’ve got a surprise for you at the house.”

  Ryder leaned heavily on his brother as they walked down the darkening path to the Jeep. He downed another bottle of water on the way to camp. Once there, everyone gathered in a council circle with those who had maintained the base camp, and the vision seekers took turns sharing what they had discovered.

  When Ryder’s turn to speak came, he was choked up with emotion.

  Carlos wrapped his arm around him, only making it harder. He whispered, “Use your medicine. Your verbal medicine.”

  “I’ve spent a lot of time letting fear, anger, and guilt eat away at me. First in my childhood and later after returning from the military.” He took a deep breath. “My life had become subsistent living. I kept people at arm’s length or farther and shunned joy…and love. I’ve met someone I think could help me become whole again. My prayer is that she will accept my imperfections.”

  The lodge leader added, “Just as you will accept hers.”

  Ryder smiled. “Yes. My new path will be one of discovering that being human means there will be nothing perfect. I’ll just have to continue to do the best I am able to with the purest of intentions.”

  Please, Great Spirit, don’t let me do anything more to harm Megan.

  When all rounds were completed, giveaways were exchanged, and the group feasted on berries, white raisins, corn, and pine nuts, among other natural foods.

  All too soon, the time to break down the camp arrived. Ryder tried not to think about this as an ending, though. No, this was the beginning. He had his will to live restored—and the greatest reason of all to live.

  He couldn’t wait to go see Megan and share what he had learned.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Carlos helped Ryder into the house an hour later. His friend had remained silent about whatever the surprise was, but Ryder really just wanted to spend a couple of days rebuilding his strength. The vision quest ritual had been both exhilarating and completely exhausting.

  “So she told me not to tell you she was here until now. But where did she get off to?”

  Megan? Had she returned? Wanting to stand on his own two feet when he saw her for the first time since his revelations, he broke away and placed a hand on a dining room chair instead. Maybe she was in the bedroom. He wished he’d had some time to regain his strength before facing her—and maybe take a shower.

  Ryder turned to his friend. “Thanks for everything, man. I can take it from here.”

  Carlos laughed. “She told me you might not be too eager to see her.”

  “Oh, I want to see her all right. I’ve figured out a lot of things that in the last few—”

  “Wilson. How are you doing?”

  Ryder stiffened when heard the familiar, yet out-of-place, voice. “Grant? What are you doing here?”

  “There’s something I needed to tell you. About the break-in at Megan Gallagher’s.”

  “Do you know who did it?”

  She nodded, and her gaze strayed to Carlos. “I’d prefer to discuss it in private.”

  Carlos held his hands out. “Hey, I know when I’m not wanted.” He turned to Ryder and smiled. “Welcome home, man. We’ll talk tomorrow. Get some shut-eye—when you can.”

  Did he think there was something romantic or sexual going on with Grant? Well, he’d set him straight tomorrow. Right now, the woman had information that concerned Megan, and he wanted to find out what happened.

  They hugged and clapped each other on the back before saying goodbye, and Carlos left the two of them alone. Ryder turned to Grant again. “Want some coffee?”

  “No. I can’t stay. Just wanted to explain some things.”

  Ryder pointed to a chair, and they sat across from each other at the table. Grant fiddled with the woven placemat. What the hell was taking her so long?

  Had something happened while he was on his vision quest? “Is Megan in any danger?”

  Grant met his gaze. “No. She never was. I made sure.”

  “You? Did Top send you down here to check on her, too?”

  Maybe he didn’t trust Ryder to get the job done after all.

  Shit. Some vote of confidence, Top.

  But if Top had known what kind of shape Ryder had been in the night he called, he probably wouldn’t have relied on Ryder to handle this alone. Hell, more likely, he’d have sent some of his Marines
to check on Ryder instead.

  “The reason I know Megan wasn’t in danger is because…I’m the one who broke into Patrick Gallagher’s condo and stole the computer.”

  Holy fuck.

  “Why the hell did you want her computer?” This didn’t make any sense.

  She glanced down at the placemat and rubbed the bridge of her nose before meeting his gaze again. “Wilson, I’ve had you under surveillance since soon after you checked out of the VA Hospital. You had me worried for years before that, but try as I may, I wasn’t finding you in any databases. It was like you disappeared off the face of the earth. Scared the piss out of me.”

  Now she made even less sense. “Mind telling me what business it is of yours where I go or what I do with my life?”

  She narrowed her gaze. “I made it my business to keep track of you guys ever since Fallujah. You treated me as one of your unit and respected my skills, regardless of the fact that I was a woman.”

  “What else would we do? You were a member of our team.”

  “You don’t know how it is in some other units. Anyway, since then I’ve made it my business to make sure none of my unit becomes a suicide statistic.”

  She referred to the reports showing an appalling number of American veterans were killing themselves every day. Many were from Joe’s Vietnam era, but he knew of more than enough who had served since 9/11 who hadn’t been able to fight the demons at home.

  But that was in the past. He wasn’t going to let that happen. He had even more people to call who cared about him if things got that dark again. But did she have any fucking clue how close Ryder had come a few times?

  “I thought hospital records were confidential.”

  “I didn’t see your records, but I know you did time in the psych unit. I came down here looking for you soon after your discharge. Found Carlos and spoke with him, but he didn’t know me from, well, Adam, and wouldn’t say anything.”

  At least he could trust his long-time friend, but he still had no fucking clue what was going on and what it had to do with Megan.

  “I met Megan at Top’s wedding. We talked that week about a number of things, including how she’d helped her brother deal with his PTS issues.”

  Maybe Patrick’s issues didn’t cross over into being diagnosed as a disorder the way Ryder’s did. No wonder he functioned a lot better.

  “I broke in here and put a camera in your bedroom to keep an eye on you.”

  He stood abruptly sending his chair flying backwards. “You what? What gives you the fucking right to—”

  Her fist pounded the table. “Because I don’t want to lose anyone else I care about! I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I don’t care if you press charges—or Patrick or Megan either, for that matter. You have to admit that, when Top put you on this mission to watch his sister, you came back to the living.”

  He had—but that didn’t give her the right to…

  Holy fuck! “Which bedroom did you wire?” If she had compromising videos of Megan, he’d snatch her blonde head bald.

  “I figured you weren’t into a frilly iron bed, so I set it up in the bedroom with the king-sized one.”

  He relaxed and sat down again, still not sure what to think about having Grant watching what he did in the privacy of his bedroom on a video feed. Lord knows nothing salacious had happened in his bedroom since he’d lived up here.

  “You mind telling me why you involved Megan in your crime?”

  Her mouth tensed. “Megan struck me as something who could understand us and know how to deal with the pressures from flashbacks and triggers. I also had a gut feeling that all you needed was for Top to give you another mission and you’d get it together.”

  “Wait. Top sent you?” He shook his head. “No, Top wouldn’t put Megan in danger like that.”

  “No. He didn’t know anything about what I had in mind.”

  “What if Megan had found you in there? The woman knows how to handle a sidearm. Someone could have been killed.” Ryder wasn’t so certain Megan would have been the one coming out on the losing side of such an encounter.

  “I knew her whereabouts when I went in for the computer. And I kept watch on the house the entire time you were there with her.”

  Some watch guard he was. He hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary when they came and went from the condo.

  “How did you know she’d get in touch with him about the break-in?”

  “I didn’t, but before I could call him to alert him about a break-in, he called me to ask if I could track down someone near Albuquerque to check on Megan.”

  Everything had come together better than had happened with many of the five-part Fragmentary Orders issued during his deployments. Had the Great Spirit been pulling some strings for him? Clearly, the one needing rescuing was Ryder, not Megan. Still, that she had been thrown into the middle of Grant’s crazy scheme pissed him off.

  “Does Megan know about this yet?”

  “No, but I brought her computer with me. I think it would be easier for you to take it back to her.”

  “Easier on you or me?”

  She smiled for the first time. “Me, of course.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “Jesus, Grant, I don’t want to have to tell her someone I know and once trusted was responsible for shattering her trust and security.”

  Grant flinched and her smile faded, but goddamn it, if she thought he could continue to trust her after doing this, she needed to have her head examined by the VA shrinks.

  “Wilson, you two are good for each other. I hope you won’t hold what I did as a reason to stop seeing her.”

  At least Top wouldn’t blame him for screwing this up. “What did Top say when you told him?”

  “Well…”

  “You haven’t told him.”

  “I was getting ready to yesterday, but Karla’s…having a hard time.”

  “Shit. He must be beside himself. Does Megan know about his wife? Heck, she might be in Denver now.”

  “No clue what she knows, but she’s still at her brothers in Albuquerque as of this morning. Adam’s a private man, though, so don’t say anything unless she does.”

  “I won’t. But you’d damn well better find a way to fill him in on what you did—and soon. I’m going to get at least one night’s sleep before I go to see Megan, but only if you’ve removed that fucking camera from my—”

  “That’s where I was when you came in.” She placed a small device on the table that had been in her hand all along.

  He reached over to pick it up. The thing was as small as a gumball and dusty. Looked like it had been there for months, and he’d never had a clue.

  He met her gaze. “Grant, trust me on this. Top’s going to be pissed as hell that you put his sister in the middle of this crazy-ass scheme. What the hell were you thinking?”

  Grant sat back and squared her shoulders, but remained silent.

  Ryder didn’t want to discuss this any further and stood. “I’m going to bed. You’re welcome to stay. Or go. I don’t care. But you’d better call Top and come clean before I go to see his sister tomorrow to take back her computer.”

  This wasn’t the way he’d envisioned his first meeting with Megan after his many epiphanies. Already his resolve to leave negativity behind had been cast by the wayside. Before he went down to the city, he’d spend a little time on his mountaintop and refocus himself in where he wanted his head and heart to be before he went anywhere near Megan.

  * * *

  Ryder’s cell phone buzzed, and he looked at the screen. Oh-six-thirty. Adam Montague. Fuck. Why was the man calling him now? Had Grant made the call. Or maybe Top had found out what Ryder had been doing while watching over his sister?

  In typical fashion, Top skipped the chit-chat and cut to the chase when Ryder answered. “Listen, Wilson, Grant just called and spilled her guts.”

  Making sure she’d told him the entire truth, he asked, “About what?”

  “About O
peration Rescue Megan. Or maybe Operation Rescue Wilson is more accurate.”

  Sounded like he knew. “Yeah. She told me last night. I have Megan’s computer and will get it back to her today.”

  “Have you spoken with Megan yet?”

  “No, I’m just coming off a four-day fast and ritual and haven’t even been able to process that, much less everything Grant told me last night.”

  “I’m not condoning what she did—and I’m sure you feel as strongly as I do that something needs to be done to make up for this huge breach of trust. I’ll deal with Grant later. I don’t know how much you know about her, but I’ve gotten to know her as a civilian even more so than we did during that brief time in Fallujah. She’s impulsive, vindictive, and her moral compass is more than a little twisted. Hell, the woman joined Black Ops after Fallujah to go after the insurgents who killed Sergeant Miller.”

  And Ryder had been worried about her wellbeing on that rooftop? Shit, she’d shown the recon unit even then she didn’t crack under pressure.

  “Did she find them?”

  “She got satisfaction.” Top paused a moment. “But one thing remains, if not for Grant, I still wouldn’t know you were having trouble. You know the drill. Why the fuck didn’t you contact me?”

  His chest burned, reminding him to take a deep breath. Whenever any of the Marines who served under Top were discharged, even the ones like Ryder who left after Top retired, they were given his number and told to call him for anything, day or night.

  “I’ve let you down too many times, Top.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about, Marine?”

  “First in Kosovo.”

  “You were green then. You were always going to fuck up there. That’s part of the training process. At least we weren’t involved in any combat situations. Everyone came home. It was an excellent opportunity for you and a lot of others to learn how to be better Marines. Hell, we had no clue what was ahead of us back before 9/11.”

  “True, but I’d been in the Corps for seven years when I screwed up in Fallujah. I should have called for the preplanned strikes and—”

  “You also had been given orders—by me—to protect Grant. She never should have been put in the middle of shit like that.”