Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)

by Masters, Kallypso

  Is that why Ryder had been up there on that rooftop? How could he have forgotten that?

  “Together with Doc, you all worked as a team to save Damián’s life. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

  Ryder’s throat tightened up. “But I got Doc injured.”

  “I’m not sure anything we could have done would have prevented that clusterfuck or could have tried any harder.”

  Ryder cleared his throat. “Maybe not.” He couldn’t say any more. He needed to let it go. Move on.

  Forgive yourself. It’s time to heal.

  Apparently, Top could hear volumes through the silence. “Something else twisting your gut?”

  He couldn’t tell him what Gino had said during the vision quest. The man would think he’d really lost it if he was hallucinating about dead Marines.

  “I’ve had some issues coming to terms with Gino D’Alessio’s death. If not for me, he wouldn’t have been deployed as a replacement—” Less than a day after his quest and he already wasn’t sure how much he’d forgiven himself.

  “Not you, too.” Ryder didn’t know who else he referred to or what he meant. “Listen, Wilson, Gino might have replaced you after your accident—”

  “A stupid sports injury. I got sent home for a fucking football game injury.”

  “Shit happens. Deal with it. But he wasn’t there to serve as our FIST. He was half of a scout/sniper team at the time he was killed. The Marine serving as FIST did everything you would have. We just couldn’t get any helos in the air until it was too fucking late. There was nothing you could have done to change that fact. The fault lies further up the chain of command, if anywhere.”

  Really? Ryder needed time and space to process all this intel.

  “Easier said than done, but try and let go of the guilt. It just rots your gut. Now, hear this. Anytime you’re having trouble with what happened in the past, you’d damned well better call me first if you need any kind of help. You got that, Marine? We’ll take advantage of every program we can find to get you through it. Hell, we’ll go OFP if we can’t find a sanctioned program that works. Talk to Doc sometime about what it took to break through to him—not that I intend to repeat that process for you or anyone else if I can help it.”

  Ryder was afraid to ask for details. Maybe he’d get a chance to talk with Doc again when he went to Denver.

  “Actually, Top, I already found some things I think are going to help.” Should he mention Megan was at the top of the list? Not yet. He wanted to show Top he had his shit together before asking for any blessing to date his sister. “I just went through a vision quest and purification lodge ceremony here on the pueblo. I already see a difference in the way I handle things.”

  “Good for you. The Native American tribes can teach the VA a few things.”

  “I did this outside the VA, but it seemed to help me deal with some things I already had a little screwed up before I even went into the Corps. Issues with my mom and dad.”

  “Our pasts sometimes bite us in the ass. Trust me. This, I know.”

  Top had issues, too? Who did he go to when he needed help processing shit? He always seemed to be in control of everything. Maybe no one was immune to having to deal with those dark days. Maybe his wife had helped him. Having someone beside you at those times must be a comfort, even though he’d never forgive himself if he unintentionally did something to hurt Megan during a night terror or flashback. Still, he’d talked with her after some of them, and it really did help.

  “Keep me posted. And Ryder, I think we can dispense with our military names. Call me Adam.”

  “Top…I mean Adam, I’m going to take a ride up to Denver sometime this summer. I’d like to hang out with you guys over some beers sometime and shoot the shit.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Door’s always open for any of my Marines.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

  “Ryder, my best advice: Find a girl, get married, have babies. I highly recommend it.” The man’s contentment sounded loud and clear through the phone.

  Ryder smiled. “Megan tells me congratulations are in order.” He grew serious again. “Sorry to hear your wife’s having a hard time of it, though.”

  “Yeah, and I need to get back to her. Tell Megan we said hi, and we’ll call her and Patrick with a full report soon.”

  “Oh, one more thing, Top!” Ryder paused a moment, wanting to find the right words to ask Top for his okay to date his little sister.

  “Listen, I’ll have to call you back when things—” Ryder heard him speaking to someone else. “Kitten, you should be in—”

  The call ended, and Ryder was left frustrated. Maybe it was for the best. When the time came for him to ask the man for his blessing before he proposed to Megan, he’d make sure he planned and practiced his speech. Face to face would be better anyway. He’d plan on heading up to Denver in the next few weeks.

  Jesus, another city.

  He’d need to ask her other brother, too. Talk about running a Marine gauntlet. But Megan would be worth all that pain and more.

  Ryder pocketed the phone and found himself staring down at the empty bed where she’d slept, realizing at some point in the conversation he’d wandered in here again. Not for the first time, either, since she left. He even slept in here the night before the vision quest began when he couldn’t find peace in his own bed. Just having her spicy scent on the pillow calmed him down. He could close his eyes and pretend she was lying there beside him.

  He’d spent a lot of time remembering those two evenings they’d explored kink together. No Dom could ask for a more eager sub. What might have happened between them that last night if he hadn’t been running scared?

  He’d thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him.

  Jesus, I miss her.

  At least now he had a reason to go see her and try to make up for being such a coward. Even if she didn’t want to see him again, she’d welcome back her computer. Should he call first and make sure she wanted to see him? At least he knew she wasn’t in Denver.

  Time for a new mission.

  Find a girl, get married, have babies.

  Chapter Twenty

  Megan adjusted the lighting on her tiny subject in her makeshift studio in Patrick’s condo. Photographing babies was always so bittersweet to her. This chubby-cheeked angel stared at her with the biggest, bluest eyes as if she could see through to her soul.

  The work didn’t feel as fulfilling as it once had. This week, she went through the motions of shooting babies, recent graduates, and couples embarking on their happily-ever-after lives together.

  Well, at least she’d experienced one of those three monumental events herself. The others she’d have to give up on.

  God, she missed roaming around the land at Ryder’s place and discovering nature’s surprises. Just walking hand in hand with him as he told her about the plants and the history and—

  Stop dwelling on the past.

  With Patrick back in town, she’d decided that tomorrow she’d drive up to Santa Fe to meet Ryder’s sister. Her portfolio was in great shape with the work she’d shot at Ryder’s. Megan had e-mailed her some of the images, and Marcia seemed enthusiastic about having some of them displayed in her gallery. With exhibits in a Santa Fe Plaza storefront, perhaps Megan’s new passion for nature photography could take off.

  Not that she would be going back out to Ryder’s place for more shots without an invitation. Fortunately, there were many beautiful spots she did have access to in New Mexico. If the man chose to remain in hiding, then so be it. She’d never set out on a crusade to save him.

  Oh, but you did. And you failed miserably.

  Once she’d returned home from his place nearly a week ago, she realized he’d gotten dangerously close to breaking down her own self-defense mechanisms. Their friendship had taken off fast, but their relationship had changed forever the night she began exploring kink with him. Memories of the vulnerability she’d felt while res
trained that last night washed over her, but in equal measures, she remembered the strength and security she’d experienced. At a single word, he would stop and talk her through her fears, or just stop doing whatever wasn’t working for her.

  Why had he pushed her away that night? Had he hit a trigger? She couldn’t figure out what had happened after he’d given her the most incredible orgasm of her life. Her vibrator paled in comparison. She’d had no desire to even plug it in since she’d returned to the city. The difference between using the toy to provide her own pleasure and having someone else control and guide her orgasm—well, there really was no comparison.

  A Harley roared by the condo, and the baby startled then began to fuss. The mother moved to pop in a pacifier, giving Megan the time she needed to regain her focus on this shoot. Yeah, right. Thoughts of Ryder were never far from her mind these days and now one of her brother’s neighbors had a Harley. Images of the evening she’d ridden up to Gilman Tunnels on the back of Ryder’s bike invaded her thoughts. That was where she’d first started to fall in love with him.

  Perhaps breaking it off when he did was the right thing. What if they’d had sex? She already had enough carnal memories of the man to make her ache for a lifetime, but making love would have made it impossible for her to put him behind her and move on.

  With the baby calm again, Megan took several more shots.

  She didn’t think she could ever truly move on without talking with Ryder again. God, I miss him. She’d promised to be there for him. Would he agree to dinner sometime if she called him? Certainly not here. He hated the city.

  After spending time in his world, she wasn’t too crazy about city living, either.

  What would a future relationship with Ryder look like? Could she settle for being friends? Kink would be out of the question. That had quickly ramped up into something he made clear he wasn’t ready for. Although the first night and most of the second, he seemed to be finding as much enjoyment as she was—except that he hadn’t come like she had. Her face grew warm remembering his mouth on…

  Even if he did decide he wanted her, would that be enough for him? Men who married usually did so because they wanted to have their own biological children. She’d told him she couldn’t have kids, and the next thing she knew he was following her home to Patrick’s and saying goodbye.

  While the mother went to change the baby’s outfit, Megan set a new background and props for the next series of shots, and the baby’s mother stepped back. “You might shake the rattle in front of her, Mrs. Chynoweth.” Megan thought she captured some great shots of the baby’s startled expression, followed quickly by the most precious toothless smile.

  She couldn’t wait to do a photography session at Adam and Karla’s the next time she went to Denver. They were experiencing both shock and awe these days.

  Megan blinked away the sting in her eyes. At least they know how lucky and blessed they are. She intended to become the greatest aunt in the world, living out her maternal instincts vicariously through all of the nieces and nephews Adam and Karla would give her. Maybe Patrick would find a new love, too, and start a family. Anything was possible.

  Just not probable for her.

  Why had the future without a nebulous husband been so much easier to accept than going through the rest of her life knowing she might have had someone special like Ryder if only she hadn’t made her irrevocable decision two years ago? But if not for that surgery, who could say where she would be today or what she’d be doing? Maybe she wouldn’t have met Ryder. Even if they couldn’t have more than friendship, living without having some kind of contact with Ryder would be a great disappointment.

  After the photo session was completed, she walked the young mother and baby down the hall toward the kitchen. Disarming the security system, she pressed the garage door button on her remote, not wanting to learn Patrick’s new system. As they walked into the garage, Megan said, “I’ll get those proofs to you within a few days.”

  “Oh!” The woman startled and held her infant closer to her. Megan turned in the direction Mrs. Chynoweth stared to find Ryder standing beside his Harley in the driveway.

  God, he looked beautiful. Her heart pounded with a vengeance. “Hi, Ryder.” She barely noticed the mother giving him a wide berth as they passed him to reach their car.

  He entered the garage. On closer inspection, she noticed dark circles under his eyes. Had he lost weight, too, even though it had only been a few days since she’d last seen him?

  What struck her next, though, was an inner peace she’d never seen before. His eyes no longer held that lost expression she’d noted the first night he’d shown up here. Even his body was more relaxed than before.

  “You okay, Red?”

  She wished he’d call her baby, which he did when they were more intimate. “Why wouldn’t I be?” The man was too perceptive for his own good, so she averted her gaze.

  He remained silent. Did he want to continue being her friend? Could they go from such passion back to mere friendship? Ryder needed her more than she needed him, but she hadn’t seen him reach out to anyone else during the time they had spent together, either—not his sister or his best friend.

  She met his gaze. She’d promised to always be there for him. Maybe that’s why he’d come here today. Did he need to talk with her?

  “Hey, I’m finished here for the day. Want to have an early dinner in Old Town? I know of a small place that won’t be crowded this time of day.”

  He didn’t respond for a long while, but she noticed a tension return to his body that had been absent for a short while. She expected him to say no. Finally, he relaxed again. “Sounds good. We can talk. But first, I have something for you. Wanted to be sure you were home first.”

  If all they could have was a deeper friendship, then so be it. At least she could have one small part of Ryder’s heart. She wasn’t sure that would always be enough, but at least they would be able to spend time together.

  He returned to his Harley and unhooked something attached by bungee cords to the back seat of his bike. When he faced her again, he carried what looked like a desktop computer tower.

  Wait. That wasn’t just any tower.

  She held the door open for him. “Where did you find it?”

  “It’s a long story. I’ll explain over dinner.”

  He refused to let her carry it, so she showed him the way to her makeshift studio and set it on the desk in the corner. From a pouch she hadn’t noticed slung over his chest, he pulled out several cords. “I’ll have to leave it to you to figure out what goes where.”

  “I’ll take care of it tomorrow. Let’s go to dinner. I’m dying to hear this story.”

  A quarter of an hour later, they were shown by the hostess to a table in a corner. Ryder sat where he could watch both entrances into the room. She had always thought of this place as intimate and cozy. One of the oldest adobe homes in the city, its rooms had been converted into dining areas for the New Mexican cuisine restaurant.

  Even though they were the only patrons seated in this room, Ryder’s gaze kept darting between the room’s two entrances every time a server walked through a door.

  She sighed.

  “I’m sorry, Ryder. If you’d rather go to the condo, we can make dinner ourselves. Patrick may pop in, but you’ll be able to relax more there.”

  He stared at her as if he wasn’t aware of what he’d been doing—or that she’d notice, perhaps. “I’m fine. This looks like a nice place.”

  “It has some of the best red sauce in the city. The green’s good, too, if you can handle the heat.”

  “Green’s my favorite.”

  Why didn’t that surprise her? Beneath the surface, the man absolutely smoldered. She smiled.

  “By the way, I’m going to meet your sister tomorrow to go over my portfolio and put some consignment pieces in her store. Tell me what she’s like.”

  “She’s two years older than I am, but I’ve always felt kind of responsible
for her. Our dad left before I was born, and Mom worked long hours at a demanding job. Marcia and I were on our own a lot of the time.”

  “I’m sorry your mom couldn’t be there for you emotionally, although being a single mom has to be one of the biggest stressors in the world.”

  “Mom made sure we had a roof over our heads and our bellies full. Marcia and I were luckier than a lot of kids.”

  “I’m sure, but children need both parents. Of course, kids are better off without an abusive parent. Adam probably made out better in life by leaving. But he made himself a new family with Damián and Marc. Who knows? They might have been lost, as well, if not for going into business with him. I know they helped Adam, especially in the years before he had Karla. Judging by all the love in the house for their wedding, I’d say he has an amazing extended-family network set up, too.”

  “Yeah. I’m learning he cares what happens to us all. What kind of business are they in?”

  “We didn’t really discuss it much. Some kind of social club in downtown Denver. His wife’s a singer there. Until he and Karla moved recently, they lived in the building where the club’s located. Not in the safest neighborhood so I’m sure the decision to move was because of the safety of his growing family… Okay, now tell me how you came to be in possession of my computer.”

  “Yeah, well, one of the Marines I served with, Grant—I think you said you met her.”

  “Mm-hmm. At Adam’s wedding.”

  He averted his gaze as if the subject was too painful. “She found out I was struggling and, well, took it upon herself to rescue me.”

  “I’m lost.”

  He met her gaze. “No, Megan. I was the one lost. Let me explain what happened.” He told her how Grant had broken into the condo and stolen her computer. “After you reported the break-in to him, Adam contacted Grant to see who lived nearby. She gave him my numbers, and he called me in to check on you.

  “Wait. I know I’m not supposed to interrupt, but what would she have done if I hadn’t told Adam? It was a random thing that he even called that night. Otherwise, I’d have just handled it with the police—and spent the next few nights at a hotel until Patrick came home.”