Who Moved My Blackberry?
Page 4
22.5 percent better than my very bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi—I see Cindy has left all her clobber outside my office. Call building services and tell them to remove it. I’ll keep the sofas, but tell them to take away that awful picture of the eagle with DARE TO SOAR written underneath.
Also see if you can get the partition wall of my office shifted out to include some of Cindy’s old area. Also, when you’ve got a mo I’d like a double espresso, a bacon sandwich and some Alka Seltzer.
Martin
PS You don’t know anything about modern buildings do you?
PPS. Assume I don’t need to remind you that even though you’ve given in your notice, you are expected to deliver 120 percent effort until the very end!!
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Howdy!
Today is the happiest day of my life—with the exception of that sunny day 31 years ago when I made love for the first time. This morning we committed our company to a migration path that will sustain and renew us going forward. I feel proud and humble to announce this historic, momentous change in our corporate mark from A&B to a-b glöbâl.
If we all strive together, this company will peak perform—permanently.
I love you all
Barry
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham—Terrifying to think of the first shag of BM’s life … rather more information than one strictly needs.
Feeling a bit rough this am—went for a few jars last night to escape Jens’ women’s reading group. When I got home they were all going on about this book written by a 15 year old autistic boy about a dog at night—or something. Whatever turns you on … I’m reading something brilliant at the moment, How We Won the Ryder Cup—The Caddies’ Stories. Have u read it?
M
PS No can do drink tonight. Am on the wagon for the month of Feb.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Sylvia—thanks for the tip, though when I googled Mease van de Rower just now, I couldn’t find any matches. He’s obviously too modern by half—can you think of any other architects?
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—Sorry about last night. Got the feeling that you and your girlfriends didn’t appreciate my comments re autism …
I know you’re hard up against it today, but could you help me with something? I’m trying to dig down to the bottom of my essence, and I wondered if you can think of any leading edge modern buildings that remind you of yours truly?
Love you
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
It’s an exercise of Pandora’s. Actually quite interesting … It’s a long time since I’ve had to think on such a philosophical level re myself, and I’m struggling a bit.
I’ve got a lot on today—having to sort out a new personal assistant, and being nagged by Rog for new metrics for this year’s operating plan. See you late tonight.
Love Mx
PS It’s Sylvia’s last day tomorrow. I haven’t got time to get anything. Would be eternally grateful if you could find a minute to sort some flowers or something?
FEBRUARY 2
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
Hi Faith
Attached is the revised text for the ad for my new PA. I’ve made some changes and taken out “sense of humor required” as that sounds as if working for myself might be frustrating! Can you get it into crème de la crème section of The Times soonest?
PA to DYNAMIC LEADER Culturally diverse! Ever-changing and Evolving DNA! Ours is a fast-moving innovative culture. Can you keep up with us? In this high-profile Personal Assistant position you will provide a range of support and administrative functions to a dynamic leader on the board of a-b glöbâl (UK). Do you have phenomenal interpersonal, communication and appointment book management skillsets? A can-do headset? Unrivaled problem-solving skills? £££ Highly competitive + perks!! YOUTHFUL ENERGY A MUST!!
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
Faith—What do you mean, it’s illegal to say youthful?? All I am saying is that I have very high levels of energy. And anyone who is going to be working for me must be able to take the pace.
Best, Martin
FEBRUARY 4
From: Martin Lukes
To: JakeLukes@MillgateSchool
Hi Jake—No, you can’t go to Amsterdam with Tarquin at half term. You are meant to be studying. Remember?
If you want to make yourself useful—you could answer a question. Can you think of an animal that reminds you of yours truly?
Love Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
Here you go—the answers to your questions. Sorry it took a while—I’m someone who likes to get things right first time!
If I was a number, I would definitely be the number one. Partly because that is the only position I’m comfortable with, but also because the number is straight and upright and has a kind of understated simplicity.
re buildings—I’ve being thinking outside the square on this and can see some interesting parallels between myself and the more innovative modern structures. My first thought was the World Trade Center’s twin towers. Although they were very tall (which I’m not!!) and there were two of them, and, obviously, they were blown up by Osama Bin Laden (which I haven’t been—as yet!!) there are some revealing areas of overlap. They were very competitive. They wanted to be the tallest in the world. They wanted to be noticed and stand out from the crowd. Again, there was this understated simplicity about them, that is very much my style too.
But after some research I found a building that captures my essence exactly. It is Farnsworth House, built by one of my favorite architects, Mies Van der Rohe. At the time it was controversial, and was way ahead of the curve. It wasn’t frightened to offend. Simple yet revolutionary. It’s also stood the test of time, and is still as relevant as when it was built!
As for animals—I’ve been doing some 360 degree brainstorming on this. My son Jake suggested some parasite that gets into your bowel, and makes you flatulent!!! Jake’s got a great sense of humor—a brilliant mind, he just has issues with harnessing his natural talent to his schoolwork!
Seriously, though, if I was an animal I’d be a sheepdog. They are intelligent and are catalytic, they are natural leaders and they know how to drive a team to achieve peak performance.
Hope that helps
22.5 percent better than my very bestest
Martin
FEBRUARY 6
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hallo everyone
Many of you will have seen hostile articles in the media over the weekend, accusing us of having squandered $38m of shareholders’ money and wasting valuable senior management time on our new corporate name, a-b glöbâl. As you know, this is far from the truth—the global figure on our rebranding bill is coming in south of $20m and the management time expended on the project has enabled us to think deeply and strategically about the nature of the business we are in.
The key learning we should take out from this is to examine the interface between us and the press. Until now most of our PR has been handled out of Atlanta. I believe we must now strengthen our capability in London.
Bestest, Keith
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Sorry, darling—now isn’t the best time to discuss this. I’m totally snowed under on something mission critical.
But basically—yes—I do think you should tell pr palace to stuff their stupid job. You’re never going to be able to work with Rowena as a boss. She’s got issues with you because you are smarter than her—and a lot sexier. There’s no problem moneywise
if you do decide to quit—we could save on the cleaner and the au pair?
Love, M xxx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
No, of course I don’t have an issue with you as a career woman. I’m just saying that if you are not comfortable with where you are—change it! As Pandora would say, the only person who can re-dream your life is you! Anyway, let’s discuss later.
M xx
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
How are you? The last exercise you did for me obviously got your creative juices flowing! Now I’d like you to try something a bit harder. I want you to tell me about the four brilliant characteristics that you think define yourself—and the four brilliant characteristics others would say defined you.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
Interestingly, I don’t think there’s a gap between others’ perception of myself and my own perception. I’ve always been realistic about myself—maybe it’s in my DNA, or maybe it’s because my family keep me down to earth!
The most noticeable thing about yours truly is creativity. This is a very important part of myself, and has driven my success in the marketing space.
Communication skills. My style is very easy, very natural, very empowering.
I see myself as a hub. I am a born networker, and like nothing more than getting people together.
Emotional intelligence. As I said earlier, I’ve got a very high EQ—self-knowledge and empathy are both big things for me.
22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
That’s great Martin! Well done! Now what I want you to do is to Live your DNA! Each time you have had a major win using your key skills, send me an e-mail, telling me which skill you are using and rank it with 1 to 4 stars. That way we can monitor your progress!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
FEBRUARY 10
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Hi Keith
I’ve been doing a little blue sky thinking, and have come up with a phenomenal idea about how we can win back hearts and minds, and prove that we care about the communities we serve. We have a supply of sweatshirts, boxer shorts etc with the old A&B logo, which I suggest we give away to charity. If the public can see us handing out goods free to the homeless it could go a long way to reversing the brand damage suffered by the name change.
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi Sylvia—One last task! Can you go through Yellow Pages and find a list of all the homeless charities in London.
Really sorry we’re not going to have time for a drink before you depart for pastures new. But I wish you all the best of British. We’ll all miss you here, and hope things really work out well for you at Beyond the Box. You and I have been an unbeatable team, and I want to thank you for your unstinting passion and contribution. Keep in touch and all the best.
Cheers, Martin
PS Can you leave details for your unlucky successor sharing your ancient wisdom on how to get along with yours truly?
FEBRUARY 11
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—
Just had a brain wave. Here’s evidence of how much I support your career: why not come back here? Following the issues around our media coverage, we’ve decided to beef up the PR department. We’re in the market for two or three extra bods, some of whom will be at a fairly junior level. There’s bound to be something part-time. As Pandora says: Dream it! Plan it! Do it!
Love M
PS May be a bit late tonight—Can you get me something nice for supper—chicken korma with pilau rice would go down nicely. M x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Glad you like the idea. And I know that’s not Atkins, but I can’t do that and the booze. In any case booze is so fattening, that the pounds will fall away. I’d also like some naan bread and an aloo gobi.
Love you, M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Hi Keith—
My God, the ladywife moves quickly! I only mentioned the job to her half an hour ago! Yes, she used to work here, long before your time … in fact we met here—I thought you knew that. For the last few years she’s been working two days a week for a small company called PR Palace but wants to quit as she doesn’t get on with her boss. Something relatively unstressful and part-time may suit her. Obviously I think she’s a great girl, but then I’m partial!
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: JennyLukes@PRPalace
Jens—Frankly I was a bit taken aback to get a message from Keith saying you had contacted him already. If we’re to work together, we can’t have you dashing off e-mails to my boss without me being in the loop … Will be very late as I’m interviewing new PAs.
M
FEBRUARY 12
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
Hi Faith—Feedback on the PA interviews: yesterday I met Keri Tartt and Preetha Patel. Both girls were aligned with our values though I have a preference for Keri who has a can-do headset and seems very results-driven. I felt Preetha, though clearly stronger on paper, didn’t have the requisite passion quotient. Can we get Keri to start asap? I’ve attached her CV for your files.
Martin
Keri Tartt CV
Age: 29
An energetic, fun-loving PA with loads of get up and go!!! loads of get up and go!!! loads of get up and go!!!
Place of Birth: Wellington, New Zealand
Education: Wellington Girls High School
Trained: Physiotherapist Module 1
WORK
PA to Marketing Director Esquire Magazine
Ticket sales Glastonbury
Hobbies: Windsurfing, Crystals, Life saving, Holistic healing, Travel
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham—eat your heart out … I’m getting a gorgeous new PA. She looks a bit like Goldie Hawn, trained as a physio, tall, slim … very tasty. Mart
FEBRUARY 16
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—
I’ve been doing some detective work re your schedule for this pm. You’ll be seen first by Lucinda Mogg-Watson, our PR girl.
She’s sweet, in a posh sort of way. She’s no rocket scientist—I think you’ll like her. Then you’re being interviewed by Faith Preston, Director for People. She’s hell on wheels—aggressive, humorless, seriously pc—and has me down as some sexist, racist bastard. Let me know how you get on. Fingers crossed!
Love you, M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham—No yr eyes didn’t deceive you. It was Jenny—being interviewed to work for Lucinda in PR. If she gets the job, she’ll only be part-time, so I doubt that our paths will cross much. In fact, it might make things better between us. At least she’ll be able to see for herself how hard we all work and how much pressure we’re under.
Cheers, Martin
PS I’ve done two weeks without a drink!! Am feeling pretty good—or would be if I could get rid of this flu.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Lucinda Mogg-Watson
Hi, Lucinda
How are you getting along fixing up media interest for our drop of obsolete A&B boxer shorts and sweatshirts to homeless charities? I personally will be taking a parcel to Arlington House in Camden Town next arriving 3pm.
I gather you are interviewing my wife this pm. She’s quite something—though I would say that, wouldn’t I?
> Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—glad it went so well—extraordinary that Keith wanted to see you, as he normally only interviews people of department head level and above. Did he mention me? I should have warned you about him in advance. He’s intensely ambitious and political. Your best mate one minute then stabbing you in the back the next. Btw, you’re also way off beam on Faith. She’s neither intelligent nor well-meaning.
M xxx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham, am having second thoughts about the virtues of working alongside the ladywife. She informs me that Faith is a fine, intelligent woman. She also had an hour-long session with Keith! He never gives me more than 10 minutes. I sometimes think that if we were women we wouldn’t have to work our arses off.
Martin
FEBRUARY 17
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hallo everyone!
I am delighted to announce that Jenny Withers has been appointed to our rapidly growing External Relations team. Jenny joins us from PR Palace where she has built up an unrivaled track record in delivering exceptional pr solutions. She will be reporting to Lucinda Mogg-Watson, and will be helping on all aspects of our press strategy.