by Cora Black
“She wouldn’t—She wouldn’t do that,” Ben protested, his heart pounding hard in his throat. “She wouldn’t do that. What the fuck did you do, Noah? Just tell me, please, I need—” I need to know she didn’t leave me, Ben thought.
But Noah just shook his head. “You’re fucking crazy, man, I haven’t done anything, I haven’t. You’re going nuts, man, without her, it’s okay, it’s just you’re going—” Crunch. Ben’s fist moved forward and smashed into Noah’s face, audibly colliding with his cheek.
For a second the bar fell silent, even the bouncers over by the door just watching. Noah gasped for air below him, his hand coming up to cradle his face. “Ben. Please,” Noah begged.
Ben thought of Charlotte, bloodied and bruised like in his dream. And he thought of her naked and warm in his bed, tracing his hand with her fingers. She wouldn’t want me to do this. She would want me to be a leader, be calm, collected, keep my shit together.
But Charlotte wasn’t there to stop him. Not this time.
“What.” Punch. “Did.” Punch. “You.” Punch. “Do!” Ben shouted each word as loudly as he could, hitting Noah about the ears before focusing on his nose, hearing a loud crunch as he smacked into the side of his bone. He kept punching him until his knuckles burned with the impact of his blows. And then he kept punching him some more, shrugging off the hands on his shoulders that tried to pry him away. He kept hitting, hitting, hitting him, over and over again, fighting against the burn in his muscles, until a strong pair of arms wrapped around his waist and yanked him away from Noah.
Ben looked down to see his work. Noah was covered in blood. All at once, Ben’s stomach dropped and his heart stopped pounding so hard, stopped sending blood to his limbs. He felt numb and nauseated, and he only barely had the energy to get out of the bouncer’s arms and struggle his way back over to Noah, who flinched as he approached again.
Oh, God. Ben leaned over Noah, grabbing his chin to look him in his eyes, now flowing with tears. There was no deception in those eyes. There was no guilt. There was nothing but fear.
“You didn’t,” Ben began, panting hard while he pet the side of Noah’s face. “You didn’t do anything, did you?”
Noah nodded a little, barely moving the top of his head before groaning loudly in pain. He sounded like he was three years old, like the pain was too much for his body to bear.
Noah’s blood was getting on Ben’s hands, but he didn’t care. He had to fix it. He had to make him better, stop the bleeding. “I’m so sorry, Noah. I’m so, so, sorry. I didn’t—I couldn’t--”
“You’re not a leader,” Noah said in a strained, labored voice. “You’re weak. Just like they all said you were. You’re weak.”
Ben opened his mouth to say something, but no words came. He touched the side of Noah’s face, as if his hands could heal rather than hurt, as if he was capable of doing anything good. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, but the sound of his voice was cut off by the howl of police sirens.
***
Charlotte couldn’t sleep. A part of it, she thought, was that it had been so long since she’d slept in her own bed. But most of it was the whole betrayal thing. She was a traitor. That was a new label that would take some getting used to.
She sighed loudly and got up out of bed, going over to the refrigerator to get something to distract herself from the pool of guilt that wouldn’t stop bubbling up in her stomach. So what, she thought as she brought a pastry over to her kitchen table. She broke her promise. She had promised, over and over again, that she wasn’t going to leave Ben. She wasn’t going to abandon him. She wasn’t going to be like the other people in his life. She was going to stay. She was going to fight.
All of that went out the window. But she couldn’t stay, not if it meant Ben being in danger. She was fighting for him, she told herself as she bit into the pastry, forcing herself to chew. She was fighting. She just had to do it away from him.
That’s what you do when you’re in love. You sacrifice.
Charlotte was willing to give up the only thing that made her feel alive, just to make sure Ben kept on living. And she was going to have to figure out a way to live with that.
Her phone rang, the loud and sharp noise filling up the empty apartment. Charlotte groaned, walking back over to where her phone was charging in her bedroom. It was probably the new client she was seeing, this recovering meth addict who needed lots of support, especially at strange hours, to keep from relapsing. But when Charlotte found her phone, the ID read Uncle Wally.
For a second she stared down at her phone, like she did whenever Ben called or texted her. It had to be this way, right? No contact. She had to leave like a ghost does, all smoke and vapor and then nothing.
But why was Uncle Wally calling? He never contacted her, really, even when Ben was still fighting and causing problems for the club. He trusted her to do her job. And anyway, the job was finished. Ben was a leader now. She’d done the work—or the damage, she thought to herself—and molded him into a person that could guide others. What more did Uncle Wally want? I’ll just ignore this call like all the others and he’ll get the signal, she thought.
The phone stopped ringing, and Charlotte sighed in relief, heading back toward the kitchen to finish her pastry. But then a second later, the ringing began again. She knew it was Wally, trying again. Charlotte screwed her eyes shut and fell back against her bedroom wall, breathing deeply to steady herself. I’m doing the right thing, she thought. I’m protecting him. I’m keeping him safe.
The ringing stopped and started again, three more times. Charlotte didn’t know why she hadn’t already silenced the phone so she wouldn’t have to listen to this reminder of what she’d lost. She gathered her strength and moved back over to the phone, intending to turn off the volume so she could eat and sleep in peace.
Instead, her finger moved over the screen and hit “accept.” Her heart was pounding in her ears by the time she brought the phone up to her face. What am I doing? What am I doing? It was like her hand had acted completely independently of her brain, but now she had to pay the consequences for her own instinctual response. “Hello?” she said into the phone, her voice shaking even on that one word.
“Charlotte!” Wally half-shouted on the other end. “Charlotte, honey, I’ve been trying to reach you. Where are you?”
“I’m—I’m home. I’m fine. What’s up?” she said in response.
“Ben’s been arrested.”
Charlotte felt like the floor had been ripped out from underneath her, and suddenly she was falling, down, down, down a bottomless well. “Wh-What?” she whispered into the phone.
“He was at a bar, not one of ours, and he beat the living shit out of Noah. The bartender called the cops. He’s being charged with something, I don’t know. Assault and battery, maybe, if we’re lucky.”
“I—I—Noah?” Charlotte asked, completely dumbfounded. What the fuck could Noah have done to piss Ben off that badly?
“Yeah, my impression from the other boys is that Ben thinks Noah hit on you, or scared you, or kidnapped you. Clearly that didn’t happen, huh?”
Charlotte was silent a moment, her breathing going hard and heavy. It was her fault. Noah was hurt and Ben was in jail right now because of her, her thoughtlessness and selfishness in running away the way she did. Her legs had gone wobbly with the realization, so she had to go over to her bed to sit down. “I—I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Well, there’s a way for you to show it, if you care to,” Wally said. “The bail money. I don’t have it.”
“What do you mean you don’t have it?” Charlotte asked. “Didn’t you guys do a drop in California yesterday?”
“Yeah, but some of it has been re-invested in more opportunities like that, per the senior members’ request. And I can’t ask the boys to post up their share of the earnings for Ben.”
“Why not?” Charlotte demanded.
“Because, honey, they just saw him beat the shit out of a brother fo
r no goddamned reason. They don’t give much of a shit right now if he rots in jail or not,” he explained.
Charlotte nodded to herself and swallowed hard. Ben had relapsed, going back to his old defense mechanisms, and whatever rapport he’d built with the boys was gone again. All because of her, because she listened to Axel instead of telling Ben what was going on. And the worst thing was? She still wasn’t sure it was the wrong decision. What if Ben was safer in jail than out where Axel could get to him?
“I don’t know, Wally,” she whispered. “Maybe—maybe he should stay where he is.”
Charlotte could hear Wally click his teeth on the other end of the phone. “Was he just a job to you, then?”
“No, I—no,” Charlotte rushed to say. “He was—is—so much more than that, and I—I just don’t know if the club is the right place for him anymore, Wally. I don’t know if he should be there.”
“Then tell him that,” Wally said, and Charlotte almost dropped the phone in shock. She thought the old man only wanted Ben to replace him. But Wally kept talking. “You could be right, for all I know. Maybe he’s not meant for the club life. Maybe it’s all a big prison and he needs to get out as soon as possible, but he won’t believe me if I tell him that. He won’t listen. He’ll stay and fight and fuck shit up until he dies, just like his old man, hating every minute of it without you.”
Charlotte weighed her options. Where was Ben safest? In the county jail? Or out where he might run into Axel? Unless… unless he skips bail and gets far away, lets Axel take the club and goes someplace else to live his life, Charlotte thought. He could have a safe life away from her, away from his uncle, away from everything. That’s what he deserved.
And maybe I can follow him, she thought for a second before shaking her head at herself. She’d broken his trust, left him to get in trouble again. She didn’t deserve him.
Charlotte cleared her throat and finally answered Wally. “Okay, okay, I can post his bail. But I’m not seeing him in person, okay?”
“Why?” Wally demanded to know.
“Just because,” Charlotte shot back. Because it will hurt him too much to see me after I’ve abandoned him. Because he needs to learn how to be whole without me. Because I’m selfish and I don’t want to feel the pain. “I’ll meet with you to give you the money and then you post the bail.”
“All right,” Wally said. “Tomorrow morning, halfway between the Titans’ club and the Lions’ Den. Know what I’m talking about?”
“Yeah,” Charlotte said. “I’ll bring the cash. Goodbye.” It was only after she hung up that she realized she didn’t know the bail amount. But she realized it didn’t matter. She’d just bring all the cash she’d earned from her job with the Titans. She didn’t want any of it anyway.
She didn’t want to have any reminder of what she’d lost.
Chapter Nine
Wally was late. Charlotte kept biting at her nails, picking at her cuticles until they bled. She didn’t know why she was so anxious. They were just going to trade the money and then that’d be the end of it. Charlotte would finally be able to move on from this whole mess.
What if I don’t want to move on? Charlotte thought.
Well, too fucking bad, she retorted to herself. You’ve got to be a woman about it. Grow up and get over it.
It’s not that easy, she thought.
It won’t be easy, she realized. It’s going to hurt like hell, like having your organs forcibly taken out but kept alive, still beating and connected to you in some way. You’ll still feel what you’ve lost.
That’s not fair, she thought.
It’s not. But that’s love.
Wally finally rode up on his bike, tearing her away from her internal argument. Charlotte walked forward as he rolled to a stop, offering a backpack full of cash. “It’s there. All of it.”
“Thanks,” Wally said, putting the bag on his back and getting right back on the bike. “Well. I guess this is so long, huh?”
“Yeah, just do me a favor, all right?” Charlotte said.
“Anything, doll,” Wally replied.
“Let him go. I know you thought he was meant for this. I did, too. I loved seeing him grow into a leader and…” Charlotte cut herself off. There was no point imagining a beautiful future that would never come true. “But it’s not going to happen. Just let him go, please.”
Wally nodded slowly. “I guess you’re right. Goodbye, Charlotte. Be safe.”
“I will,” she yelled over the roar of the engine as he pulled away on his bike. Charlotte walked back to her car. She got into the driver’s seat, holding her head in her hands. She just needed a minute before setting off into the future. I did something good today, she told herself. I set Ben free, in more ways than one. That’s got to count for something.
Charlotte sighed deeply and turned the key in the ignition. The engine sputtered but did not start. “That’s…weird,” Charlotte said to herself, trying again. And again. And again, until the engine made an ugly, whining sound whenever she tried turning it on.
“Oh, goddammit, are you fucking serious?” she yelled to nobody. Jesus Christ, of course this was her luck. Why the hell did all vehicles seem to malfunction around her? Was she cursed or something?
As always, there was little to no reception on her phone, and besides, who the hell would she call anyway? There was a little house in the distance, a few hundred feet away. She could knock on the door and see if anybody was home, available to help.
Just then, a shadow in her rearview mirror caught her attention. When she turned to look, the shadow was gone, but maybe there was something or somebody in the distance, other than the rickety little house. Charlotte got out of her car, still holding her keys and her purse, and turned the corner, looking for someone to help.
Charlotte spotted the source of the shadow instantly: Axel.
He faced her, holding a dirty wrench in his hand. Every nerve in Charlotte’s body clenched up, ready to flee. But there was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.
“Have you—Have you been there this whole time?” she asked, fighting to keep her voice steady as she clenched harder onto her keys.
Axel grinned and spun the filthy wrench around in circles between his fingers. “Your car was a handy little hiding space. I tried to fix something for ya, but I’m afraid I fucked it up. Oops.”
Charlotte nodded slowly as realization dawned on her. Axel had disabled her engine. He must have waited until her car rolled up, stayed close to the ground, and waited for Wally to leave.
“So what’s the plan here, Axel? You gonna beat me up? I did what you asked. I fucked off. You should stick to your word.”
“See, that’s the thing, Charlie,” Axel said, stepping closer to her. Charlotte resisted the urge to back up in fear. Don’t show how scared you are. Don’t give him the satisfaction, she thought. “You didn’t stick to your word. You left, but now you’ve butted back in again. I overheard Uncle Wally on the phone last night. Not the brightest bulb, that Wally, talking in the bar in front of people. I know you gave the money to get little Benny out of jail. Seems like you can’t stop causing me problems, huh?”
Charlotte didn’t say anything. She was debating whether or not she had time to get in the car and lock the doors, wait until she could get enough signal on the phone to call the police. Axel was still for now, but the second she moved, he would, too. She would have to be fast at it.
Axel kept talking. “I tried to be nice, Charlie-girl. I tried to give you a fair warning, give you a chance to get out of town and let things go back to the way they should be. But no, you just couldn’t do that, could you? Shame.”
Charlotte lunged for the car door, quickly opening it and slipping inside, immediately rushing to close it after her, her key in her hand ready to hit the “lock” button.
But Axel was too quick. He came up behind her and stopped the door from closing with his fist, then reached in with his other hand to slam her head against the steering wheel. “Ahh
! No! No, no, no!” Charlotte cried out as he yanked her back out of the car by her hair. What is he going to do me?
“So fucking disobedient!” Axel shouted, pulling hard on her hair as he shoved her back against the outer door of the car. “Why couldn’t you just do what you were told, huh? Stupid bitch.”
Tears started to pool in Charlotte’s eyes, but she blinked them away quickly. I have to focus. I have to be strong. I have to get out of this. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted new shadows in the distance. From the little rickety house filed a dozen or so Highway Titans, all of them heading in their direction. For one blissful second, Charlotte thought they’d followed Axel here and were coming to protect her, to save her from this one bad apple. But then her eyes focused more clearly as the men came closer, and she could pick out Donnie’s face. No, these were Axel’s men. The men he’d threatened to sic on Charlotte and Ben if she kept coming to the Titans’ clubhouse.