Love & Light

by Michele Shriver

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  ~Landon~

  Colin goes to get us all some drinks, and then we sit around talking before the show starts. We learn that Colin is a doctor and Taylor works as a probation officer. They live in Concord, which explains how Taylor knows Liz. Even though they’re about ten years older than Kori and me, I enjoy talking with them.

  “Do you two like sailing?” Colin asks.

  “Sure, I guess,” I say with a shrug. “I’ve only been once.” I turn to Kori. “You?”

  She shakes her head. “I’ve never been sailing.”

  “Would you like to change that?” Colin wants to know. “I’ve actually got a small boat, we dock it down at Rye Beach. We’re planning on taking it out tomorrow, if you want to join us.”

  “Really?” I try to contain my excitement. It sounds like a great time, but I don’t know yet how Kori feels about the idea. “You’re sure?”

  “Absolutely,” Taylor says. “It’d be nice to have another couple along.”

  Couple. I like the sound of that. “I’m game if you are,” I say, looking at Kori.

  She doesn’t answer right away, and I worry she might say no, that maybe this is all moving too fast for her, pushing her too hard. It was hard enough to get her to go on a date with me. Is she ready to double with another couple that we barely met an hour ago? “Sure,” she finally says, surprising me a little. “It sounds like fun.”

  “Great. We can work out details a little later,” Colin says. “Because I think you want to meet the man of the hour.” He waves in the direction of the stage, and sure enough, the band has come out to warm up. “Yo, Chase. There’s some people I want you to meet.”

  A skinny guy with shaggy blond hair dressed in jeans and a Dartmouth T-shirt makes his way over to our table. He looks just like a regular guy to me and I don't quite get why women go so crazy over him, though I suppose being a famous singer has a little to do with it.

  “Hey, cuz,” he says, exchanging a handshake with Colin that looks like it could be the secret handshake of a club. “I didn’t know you were bringing friends.” He looks to me and then Kori. “Hi, I’m Chase,” he says completely casually, as if we didn’t already know.

  He seems down to earth, yet I find myself a little star struck, and it’s Kori that finds her voice first. “I’m Korinne, or Kori for short.”

  I steal a glance her way, and she’s smiling, but not outwardly swooning, though I’m still not sure what a swoon looks like. “Landon,” I say.

  “Kori’s a big fan,” Colin says. “Maybe you can sign a CD for her?”

  “You got it.” Chase rushes to the back of the stage, then returns a couple minutes later. “Here’s some T-shirts for you,” he says, handing one each to Kori and me.

  I hold the T-shirt up to look at it. It’s Dartmouth green and has the band’s name and logo on the front, and the back says, ‘Back in Hanover’ with today’s date on it. “Wow. Thanks.”

  “Very welcome. Thanks for coming to our show.” Chase opens a CD case and uncaps a Sharpie. “With a C or K?” he asks Kori.

  “K,” she says, spelling her name.

  He signs with a flourish and then hands her the CD. “I need to get up there and practice now, but thanks again for coming out. Maybe I’ll see you after the show.”

  I look at the CD Kori is holding and notice he signed it ‘With love, Chase.’ Great. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?

  “Please tell me he has a girlfriend,” I mutter, making everyone at the table laugh.

  “Lots of them,” Colin says. “One of these days, he’ll settle down.”

  “That’s right.” Taylor leans over rests her head on his shoulder. “Happens to all the Radcliffe men eventually.”

  The band spends about fifteen minutes rehearsing and tuning up, then the lights in the club dim and Chase steps up to the microphone. “Greetings, Hanover. It’s so nice to be back here in the place where it all started for us. We’ve got a heck of a show tonight, and I hope you enjoy it!”

  There’s a lot of applause, and a few screams, but it fades quickly as the band starts playing the opening chords of ‘Hanover Haze.’ I figured they’d start with that one, given the location, and I find myself singing along with chorus. “’I’m trapped in a Hanover haze. When will I get out of this maze...’” I look over at Kori, afraid she might razz me for my complete lack of singing ability, and instead she smiles and sings along too.

  They follow that one up with a couple more songs before launching into their big hit, ‘Blue Skies and Melancholy.’ It’s a softer, more somber tune than some of their songs and the crowd gets quiet, listening to Chase’s soulful vocals as he sings.

  Blue skies.

  Sun is shining.

  All around me, people laughing.

  I want to join them, yet I can’t.

  I try to laugh and it comes out choked.

  I try to smile, and it’s always forced.

  It seems melancholy has a hold on me.

  No one ever understands. They ask what’s wrong.

  Why can’t they see?

  Melancholy has a hold on me.

  As the song ends and the band takes a little break, I look over at Kori again and this time I see tears running down her cheeks. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I reach for her hand, but she pulls it away.

  “I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute, okay?” she pushes her chair back and gets up, taking off in the direction of the restroom.

  ~Kori~

  I splash cold water on my face, trying to wipe away the tears. Damn it. That song always gets to me, and hearing it live makes it even more powerful. It captures everything I feel. I want so desperately to be able to laugh, smile, enjoy the bright sun and blue skies. And I can, for a while. The past couple weeks have proven that. The question is can it last, or will the melancholy take hold of me again?

  Please, no. I want to be free. I want to enjoy time with Landon. I want to see where this thing goes with him. Can it be deeper, better, more real than what I had with Remy? I thought that was real, but obviously not. What my parents had was real. What Taylor and Colin have seems real. Will I ever feel that kind of happiness?

  I run a paper towel over my face to dry it and stare at myself in the mirror. At least I don’t wear much makeup or I’d really look like a mess right now. As it is, it’s passable, but not great. I need to get back out there, though. I’m sure our new friends have all sorts of questions as to what’s going on and I wonder what Landon is telling them or what they must think of me.

  I get back to our table, and instead of the stares and whispers I sometimes get, I see nothing but concern on their faces. Not only Landon’s, but Taylor’s and Colin’s too. I’d hoped maybe the band would be playing again and I could avoid the questions, but no such luck.

  “Are you okay?” Landon asks. He gives my hand a squeeze as I sit down.

  “I am now,” I say. “That song just gets to me, you know?” I don’t want to go into details. I figure Landon understands the others don’t want to hear about it.

  “It gets to a lot of people,” Colin says. “It’s a deep lyric, and I keep bugging Chase to tell where it came from, but he’s secretive.”

  “It’s my favorite song, even if it does sometimes make me cry,” I say. “Anyway, I’m good now.” I’m ready for the second set, and since none of the band’s other songs impact me like that one, hopefully I can avoid more emotional meltdowns.

  “I got you another soda,” Landon says, pointing at the table.

  “Great, thank you.”

  “And we’ve been talking about tomorrow. We’ll probably leave about ten to meet them in Concord, then head over to Rye Beach.”

  I settle into my chair as the band takes the stage again. No questions, no prying. And apparently no whispers while I was gone. “That sounds good,” I say. “I think it’ll be fun.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  ~Kori~

  Thankfully, I get
control of my emotions for the rest of the concert, and it really is a good show. I still can’t believe I got the chance to not only see my favorite band live, but to meet the lead singer. After the show, we finalize the plans for sailing tomorrow and say goodbye to Taylor and Colin.

  “I like them, don’t you?” Landon asks as we get in the car to drive back to Plymouth.

  “Who? The band?” I ask absently. “Of course I like them.”

  “Yeah, I know that,” Landon says with a laugh. “I meant Taylor and Colin.”

  “Oh, right.” I fasten my seatbelt and settle in for the drive. “Yes, I like them. They seem very nice.”

  “It’s really cool of them to invite us sailing. I wasn’t expecting that.”

  “Me neither,” I say. “I didn’t have any plans for tomorrow except studying. It’ll be a lot more fun to spend the day out on the water.” Once again, something to look forward to. I like that. “So you had no idea they’d be meeting us at the club tonight?”

  “Nope. I was told there would be tickets waiting there for us. That’s it,” he says. “By the way, I freaked out a little when that guy got on the phone when we showed up. I was afraid there might be some mix-up.”

  “Yeah, come to think of it, you looked a little nervous.”

  “Heck, yes. I promised you you’d get to see your favorite band. I’d never live it down if I couldn’t deliver.” He seems to put so much effort into these dates, like it matters to him a lot that they’re special and I enjoy them. No one’s ever done that for me before.

  “You delivered. In a big way,” I reassure him.

  “I’m just glad you had a good time.” We drive in silence for a few minutes before he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Talk about what?” I ask, playing dumb. I know exactly what he means.

  “Hearing that song. It made you cry.”

  That’s twice now that I’ve cried in front of him, and I want it to be the last time. I’m going to have to get a better grip on my emotions. He’s a sweet guy, and he makes me smile and laugh and feel things I never thought I’d feel again, but he’s not going to stick around if I’m an emotional basket case all the time. “It’s nothing,” I say, wishing I meant it. “That song just gets to me sometimes. Especially hearing it live.” I hope that’s enough of an explanation and he’ll get the clue and let it drop now.

  ~Landon~

  I know enough not to press her more about the song, or starting to cry. It frustrates me that I can’t completely get through to her. I can tell she enjoys the time we spend together. She smiles and laughs, and she’s so much more relaxed and carefree than the sullen girl I met a month ago. She still closes off, though, still withdraws when things get a little too personal, and I’m not sure how to break through.

  I’m not giving up, though. I like her too much for that. I want to stick around. I want to be there for her as she continues to heal. I want to be the one she can always count on, always trust and confide in.

  Instead, she’s staring out the window watching cars go by.

  “You’ve really never been sailing?” I ask, hoping for a safer subject.

  “No.” She turns her head away from the window. “Is that weird for someone who’s lived in New England her whole life?”

  “Nah. Like I said. I’ve only been once. I love water, though,” I say. “Maybe someday I’ll have my own boat.”

  “That’d be nice. To be able to go out on the water whenever you want, just get away from it all...”

  “Yep. I’m going to own a boat someday,” I say with determination, making Kori laugh a little. “What’s funny?” I want to know. I like the laugh though. It’s much better than the tears.

  “You. It’s like you just made up your mind a minute ago that you wanted a boat,” she says. “And you know what? I believe you’ll have one, because you seem really focused when you set your mind to something.”

  It’s true. I am. When I decide I want something, I don’t stop until I get it. Like the baseball scholarship. I had to get it to make my parents proud. And then there’s Kori. Okay, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and I don’t really have her yet. I’m working on it, though. Why not a boat too? “Hey, gotta dream big,” I say.

  “Yeah, I can tell you’re a dreamer,” Kori says. “I like that about you. And you keep impressing me. Here I wondered what you could do for an encore after the hike and the concert. Now I know...sailing.”

  It’s a pretty good encore, I have to agree. This one I kind of fell into, though. It had nothing to do with me. “I just have friends in high places,” I say. “But I’m glad I can impress you.” Maybe it will help me break down her walls, because that’s what I really want.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  ~Landon~

  Saturday turns out to be a beautiful day for a sail, and we enjoy lunch on the boat’s deck. It gives us a chance to get to know Taylor and Colin better in a quieter atmosphere away from the hectic noise of the club last night. It turns out Taylor graduated from Plymouth State and they’re both sports fans, so I invite them to one of my baseball games.

  When they ask Kori and me how we met, I tell them about baseball practice. “It took me about three days of watching her before I finally got up the nerve to go up and talk to her and introduce myself,” I say.

  “Really?” Kori looks at me with surprise. “I didn’t know that. I didn’t think anyone would even see me. I tend to fade into the background.”

  It doesn’t surprise me that she’d say something like that, but it’s completely untrue. “I noticed you right away,” I say. “I liked the color of your hair.” I’ve never told her that before, and suddenly I realize I might be making her self-conscious, so I try to brush it off with a small joke. “And hey, it’s not like we had anyone else watching our practices that first week outside.”

  “What about you two?” Kori asks. “How did you meet?”

  “We belonged to the same gym,” Taylor says, then proceeds to tell the story. It seems like such a couple thing, sharing the ‘how we met’ story, and I realize I am definitely starting to think of Kori and me as a couple. And I like it.

  After lunch, Taylor takes Kori down below to show her the boat’s cabin, and Colin shows me around the rest of the boat. I can’t believe it when he tells me it’s almost forty years old. It seems to be in great shape.

  “How long have you had it?” I ask.

  “Just a few years,” Colin says. “I bought it pretty cheap and restored it myself.”

  “Wow. Nice.”

  He untethers it from the dock, and soon we’re sailing along the coast. I can feel the wind in my hair, and it’s all so exhilarating it makes me want a boat even more.

  “Want to take the wheel for a bit?” Colin asks after a few minutes.

  I want to, but I’ve never steered a boat before and I don’t want to mess anything up.

  “Come on, go ahead,” Colin says, sensing my hesitation. “I’m not going to let you hurt anything.”

  “Sure, okay.” I move beside him in the cockpit and take hold of the wheel. We’re just going straight, so there’s nothing really for me to do, but it’s a cool feeling. Something I could definitely get used to. “What made you decide to get a boat?”

  “At the risk of sounding sappy, it’s because of Taylor,” he says. “When we were dating, I took her out on a lobster boat once, and I discovered how much she likes the water. She hasn’t always had the easiest life, so I thought this could be something we can enjoy together.”

  “Not sappy at all,” I tell him. Or at least no more sappy than me. “I know what you mean. Kori’s had a rough time of things lately, and I find myself wanting to do things in a big way to try to make her happy, make her enjoy life again.” I hope I haven’t said too much. I don’t want to reveal any confidences.

  “Hey, that’s cool, man,” Colin says. “I kind of figured something was going on, the way she started crying last night. Things okay now?”

  “Ye
ah, I think so. Some days are better than others. Anyway, this is great,” I say. “Thanks for inviting us.”

  “My pleasure,” Colin says. “We like having guests.”

  I nod, keeping my eyes straight ahead on the water. “How long have you guys been married?”

  “Little over four years. How about you and Kori?” he asks. “You guys been together long?”

  “Not that long, no.” I don’t even know if it can really be called ‘together.’ “But I already feel like it’s getting pretty serious,” I say. “Does that sound crazy?”

  “Not at all.” Colin shakes his head. “Sometimes you just know.”

  ~Kori~

  I’m glad when Taylor takes me down to see the boat’s cabin while the guys stay up top. It gives me a chance to talk to her alone for a few minutes, which is something I’ve been wanting. “Can I ask you something? Kind of personal. You don’t have to answer.”

  “Sure, go ahead.” Taylor sits down on one of the cushioned benches and pats the seat next to her. “What’s on your mind?”

  I sit down beside her. “You were in counseling with Landon’s stepmother, right? Do you mind telling me what for?” It’s definitely personal, and I don’t know how she’ll take it.

  She surprises me by laughing. “What didn’t I see her for is probably a better question. I was stuck in a job that made me jaded and cynical and I had serious problems with relationships and trust and connecting with people in general,” she says. “Oh, and mommy issues. Big time mommy issues.”

  “How so?” I ask, even more curious. “Is your mom dead?’

  “No.” She shakes her head. “Well, I guess she could be. Who the heck knows? I haven’t heard from her in three years, and even then she was pretty strung out.”

  “Oh.” I exhale. I wasn’t expecting that, and now I’m not sure how to respond. “I’m sorry,” I finally say, then bite my lip. Great. Of all things to come out of my mouth. The platitude I get so sick of hearing myself.