A Disaffection (Vintage Classics)

by James Kelman

  Now we know the truth. There is only one way to go

  home; home to one’s own house and draw the curtains and set yourself down and out with the pipes

  What would Hölderlin do under such circumstances? Would he re-read one of Diotima’s letters?

  What in the name of fuck does Hölderlin

  Does Hölderlin. Does Hölderlin what. The poor guy. He’s simply a dead fellow who was involved with this married woman who ‘belonged’ in the arms of another, viz. her man, the husband. So what? So fucking what. He was a good bloke and he went mad, supposedly. Only supposedly? Well let us say yes for the time being I mean to all extents and purposes he did go mad, not so much mad as suffering a prolonged mental breakdown, being no longer able to exist as a tutor or whatever, and this bloke called Sinclair helped him, and then a home was found for him in with this carpenter and his family, and he stayed there for the next thirty odd years.

  It matters. That’s all. It fucking matters. In relation to what? In juxtaposition to which? Go and fuck yourself. Go and have a fucking wank in the bathroom. Go and have a fucking wank in your single man’s bed. Go and spill your fucking oneness ya fucking idiot.

  No.

  No no.

  No no no.

  What’s up, are you not okay?

  Aye you’re fucking right I’m not okay. What could fucking be more not okay than this. Fucking big brother there in the corner like a fucking overgrown ham sandwich. An overgrown ham sandwich, what does that mean. He’s actually quite skinny. Blame his feyther, our auld man who is on his third stroke and still smokes like a chimney behind the back of his wife the good maw, he smokes behind her back as though she was the sheriff of Dodge City. Why is Nicola ben the kitchenette? Why is Gavin married to Nicola when Patrick is not. If Patrick had met her first he would have married her. He would have got on well with her. They get on together. They can have good conversations. What is Alison doing just now. Where was she at dinnertime? Did she go for a bloody walk with Desmond and Joe and that other guy? Is it possible to phone and ask her if she could come out and they could have a quiet shandy in a peaceful pub. Is it possible she would wish to hear from him. Is it best that he does fuck all. Is it best he just does as she asked in other words fuck all, she asked him to do fuck all, is that what he is best to do, fuck all, like she asked, just fuck all, that is what she asked him to do. Is it best, is it best, that he does fuck all and relaxes and acts like an adult male of the human species and just does what he is supposed to i.e. fuck all.

  I just cant relate to you when ye say something like that; to me it’s just racist.

  What? Gavin’s frown.

  What you said there, a wee minute ago, about a paki knocking that wee boy down I mean I dont understand at all what bloody fucking difference it makes if it was a paki or it wasnt a paki. Even using that word, paki, I mean it isnt a word it’s just a bloody derogatory racist bloody term. If ye mean a guy that was from fucking Pakistan ye should say so.

  I’m no wanting to have a fight with you.

  I dont want to have a fight with you either.

  Then dont act it.

  I’m no acting it.

  Just let’s leave it.

  …

  …

  I think it’s best I go.

  You can suit yourself what ye do.

  I think you’re actually trying to tell me something.

  …

  …

  …

  I think you’re actually trying to tell me you want me to leave.

  That’s right.

  You’re wanting me to leave?

  Aye.

  Okay. Fine. Patrick laid down his knife and his fork.

  Nicola and the kids were in the kitchenette. Patrick waited a short while before opening the door. That’s me away home now, he said, see you all soon!

  Cheerio Uncle Pat, said John and Elizabeth.

  Nicola just looked at him.

  So I’ll see ye a week on Saturday is that right? that wee party or whatever it was.

  You’ll definitely come?

  Of course.

  Well for a start get the date properly fixed in that skull of yours! it’s this Saturday night coming.

  Is it?

  Yes. Half-past eight.

  Just as well I mentioned it then eh!

  You wont come.

  Aye I will.

  Bring somebody with ye.

  Could I?

  Of course.

  Patrick nodded. He winked at Elizabeth who was watching him and making funny faces. I could just take you Elizabeth, eh! You could be my girlfriend!

  I’m serious Pat; bring that lassie you mentioned.

  He didnt reply.

  Och I know you, she said, you’ll no come; you’ll find some excuse!

  I wont. Honest. And by the way eh, that carry-out Nicola, it was me that bought it; the lot, the bottle of whisky and all the cans. Naw I mean just in case you might be thinking Gavin was responsible or something; it was definitely just me myself.

  I know it was. But the point wasni to do with that it was to do with getting the bloody electricity cut off. Nicola gazed at John, and she said, We’re well past the final notice now and they’ve threatened us, and we canni take the risk by sending it by the post or even paying it in a post office. We’ve got to go right in and do it at one of their showrooms.

  What if I paid it the morrow at dinnertime I mean if you give me the bill and the money and that, I could get away at dinnertime and pay it.

  Thanks but …

  Thanks but no thanks.

  No, it’s just that Gavin’s going to do it. How’s school these days?

  That’s usually what you say to a wean and I am not a wean, there again but, coelebs quid agam which is latin for something like here I am a single man, what else am I to do. Which isni really relevant at all. In answer to your question Nicola; school is lousy. They’re transferring me to a new yin without even so much as a by-your-leave – which isni quite true. But that’s the way of things, that’s how things are; things are like that these days, ever since they hanged James Wilson, Andrew Hardie and John Baird back in 1820; that’s when the Greatbritish Ruling Class perfected their policing system, the finest the world has ever known. They’ve been refining it ever since. I’m one of their less subtle weapons.

  Heavy stuff.

  Patrick smiled.

  Are ye no waiting for a cup of tea?

  Ah for god sake come on, a cup of tea wont kill me.

  Nicola waved her hand at John: Give Uncle Pat your stool.

  I’m just feeling a bit jittery just now … He lifted the stool and examined it before sitting down – in case there was spilled food.

  Is it all big children in your school? asked John.

  Aye. They’re actually all young adults in the school I go to. Their ages go from maybe eleven up to eighteen. They can legally get married and have weans of their own and still be there. One of the lassies in my class has got a wee baby; it’s a wee girl and it’s called Deborah. Are you listening Elizabeth?

  Elizabeth was still footering with her liver and vegetables. Nicola was at the oven now and pouring tea. She was slightly smaller than Alison, around 5′4″ and it was maybe a cliché to talk about her strength but fuck it she had it, a strength. Patrick would love to have been married to her fucking beautiful besides anything else, fucking beautiful beautiful woman, her whole self.

  Do the boys play football in your school as well?

  Yeh they do, aye. The teacher that takes them used to be a football player and he played for Stirling Albion and also an English team called Carlisle. You heard of them?

  John nodded. Nicola gave him a biscuit, offered Pat one which he accepted. John said, Sure daddy was a good football player?

  Will you take him his tea ben and give Uncle Pat a bit of peace, said Nicola.

  Aye but sure he was? John said.

  I canni answer your question. It’s the kind of one I dont like ya wee
pest ye; that’s because it doesni leave me anything to say! Pat winked at Elizabeth who was watching him instead of eating, or maybe using watching him as an excuse for not eating. He said to John: But these questions are the best questions; if ye keep asking them you’ll be fine.

  When the boy left the kitchenette Patrick drank his tea swiftly. I better hit the road Nicola …

  Are you sure?

  Me and Gavin had a wee bit of a eh contretemps.

  No again.

  Uch it wasni bad I mean it was just … he shrugged.

  So we wont see you on Saturday then?

  Aw naw, not necessarily.

  Nicola continued to look at him. Then she said, I found somebody to take that puppy. Mind me telling you about it?

  Aye christ of course I do.

  A woman at the nursery knows an old woman she thinks might want it; and if she doesni she’s just going to take it herself, to add to her collection! She’s already got three cats.

  Good god.

  She’s a real animal lover. She’s wanting a shift to a ground floor so’s she can get a garden. Nicola chuckled: She says she’s gonni start keeping hens.

  Hens in Cadder; great. Amazing. You forget there’s folk like that, dont ye. The way some of them love animals, it’s really terrific, smashing, you feel like giving them a kiss.

  The animals or the people?

  Both.

  Nicola laughed abruptly. Her head craned forwards, chin touching the top of her chest; she closed her eyes. Patrick was wanting to place his hand on the back of her neck because he looked upon her as a sister and not just a sister-in-law. He loved her and he wanted to comfort her because she didni look all that fine at the moment, now that he had come to actually look at her, she wasnt looking that fine.

  It was a good meal, he said.

  Gavin made it.

  Aw. He says you did it, he just prepared the ingredients.

  It’s no true.

  It was some pot of soup he gave us earlier.

  He’s a good cook, he’s better than me – when he can be bothered, but he canni always be bothered. Pat … Nicola sat upright; she had her hands now clasped in her lap … I know you’re sick of hearing this but you should keep in contact more with people. I wish you’d make a regular date to come here for your tea. Also your parents, your mum and dad – they worry about ye.

  Och they’re parents. That’s what parents are by definition, those who worry. They’re never done going in to see the headmaster about the stupidest things. Draughty corridors. Somebody was up complaining about that recently!

  Elizabeth was watching him. He had been looking in her direction while talking although he had not been aware of it until now. And she said to Nicola: Mummy, can I go and watch telly?

  She nodded. She said to Pat: And if ye came here once a week for your tea? Why dont you do that? Just one night a week. Even once a fortnight.

  Thanks, it’s appreciated.

  But you’re not committing yourself.

  Pardon?

  Some commitments are good ye know. They can be good.

  In what way?

  Because they’re commitments. They can be good for folk.

  I just dont understand how, I mean how they’re good.

  Dont be silly Pat.

  I’m no being silly. I have got commitments already: that’s the bloody problem. What do you think teaching is, it’s a commitment. Unless ye just think of it as a job, okay, fair enough. What about you, your own commitments, your family and all that, do you keep in touch with them all the time?

  Pat, I’m a married woman, a mother; my life’s full of commitments – I dont have anything else but commitments.

  That’s like routines the way you’re talking.

  Of course.

  Is that what you mean by commitments; routines?

  Nicola didnt answer.

  If that’s what ye mean by commitments … Pat shrugged.

  It’s no what I mean at all. But routines do come into it. Although they’re no the same.

  Glad to hear it! He smiled.

  She looked at him.

  There’s nothing worse than routines; commitments are something else.

  I know what commitments are Pat.

  He nodded. When Nicola looked away from him he said, Naw Nicola sorry, I was just meaning the way so many folk mix the two things up, they think they’re committed to something and they areni at all, it’s just a bloody routine. I know you know the difference Nicola, I’m sorry.

  I’m no one of your pupils.

  Patrick smiled. Are you and Gavin fighting the now as well?

  How did ye guess. We’re just too much in each other’s company. It’s always better if one of us is away and then comes back. A month ago he got a couple of days work at his trade through a pal he used to work beside and it was good, it was nice when he came home. It’s just he can be a huffy so-and-so at times. He is. You dont get a word out him for days at a stretch.

  It runs in the family, except me and him are different in the sense that you canni stop me talking. I just talk all the time. The weans in the class canni get a word in edgeways. Hey Nicola your two are looking good. They’re growing. John’s bloody sprouting! How is he in school?

  Cheeky.

  Pat laughed. Cheeky’s good. And the wee yin, how’s she? ach she’s astute – even at four years auld ye can see she’s got it, and she gets it from you.

  What’re you talking about!

  Naw I just mean christ Nicola ye know what I’m talking about, really, it’s to do with the quiet way she has but ye know she’s taking heed of every precise detail, every precise detail. Maybe it has to do with an essential difference between the sexes.

  Well we’re no as cheeky.

  Patrick nodded, but he was not sure if she was being sarcastic. He stared at his cup.

  There’s more in the pot.

  Aye … he got up and refilled his cup and he topped up Nicola’s when she held the cup to him. I think I’ve had four whiskies, two superlagers and two bottles of big Arthur’s homebrew; two-and-a-half bowls of soup and a couple of slices of bread, a plateful of liver and potatoes and now two cups of tea, and a biscuit. He frowned: How in the name of the holies can the belly stand such carnage!

  Nicola chuckled, covering her face with her hand for a moment.

  Naw, when you think about it! Hey have ye ever heard of the Pythagoreans at all? I mean you know auld bloody Pythagoras and his theorem?

  The Pythagoras Theorem. Yeh.

  Aye but he was more than that – if he was a he, the whole thing’s so dense he might’ve been a she; almost nothing’s known about him at all, a genuine legendary figure – he had a lot of followers and amongst other things they put together a list of dos and donts, many of which concerned the eating of grub. For example, they wouldnt eat beans. They also abstained from the flesh of dead animals.

  Vegetarians.

  Vegetarians. Patrick frowned. You’re dead right. I had forgotten that. The Pythagoreans were vegefuckingtarians. That’s me finished with them and their harmony. And they can shove their transmigration up their bums! Cause that as well was something about them that was quite interesting, they believed in the transmigration of souls. Interesting in terms of after-lives. I was wanting to get these second-yearers of mine onto that as a wee bit of detection work. What was I going to say anyway? In fact I think it was to do with farting and beans and common sense, being full of wind. Just like me! But eh there’s another interesting link as well and that’s the Manicheans who used to actually stuff their kids so full of vegetables that many of them died … Pat smiled at Nicola. I’m actually bloody gibbering. A bag of wind. All teachers are bags of wind. They should stick us all into these black plastic bags and tie up the ends and then wait for a strong gale force wind to be blowing and fling us all off the top storey of the Red Road flats. Have you ever been at the top of the Red Road flats, beautiful, looking right down the Clyde Valley and seeing Goat Fell across in Arra
n?

  The Red Road flats is a terrible place to live.

  Aw I know.

  Are you going to be driving home?

  Pardon?

  She smiled. She studied the cup she was holding.

  Pat waited for a few seconds before speaking. What I meant there about Elizabeth is she’s got a sense of peace. John has it as well right enough but I think she has it more. It’s a real sense of peace.

  Pat. Women have to listen more than men, that’s why they’ve got a sense of peace as you call it; they’re used to listening – that’s what they have to do all the time, listen to men talking. Yet to hear them you’d think it was us did it. And not only listen to them, women have to watch them all the time as well, they’ve got to study their moods, they’ve got to see it’s alright to speak if this is the bloody time you can ask the question or no, is it the wrong time and you’ll have to wait, because half the time men just areni willing to listen to something if they dont want to hear it, it gets ye down. I canni be annoyed with it. I’m not criticising you Pat but I think you’ve got a glamourised view of women which is wrong, it really is wrong. The Red Road flats is an awful place to live. When I was at school in Balornock I had a friend and she had a cousin living there and her mother killed herself.

  Pat was about to say something but he stopped.

  Nicola said, It was an awful place to live; it still is.

  I know.

  Well okay Pat but how’re you no saying that instead of talking about the bloody view ye get down the Firth of Clyde! It’s the same as driving. Gavin told me you were thinking of driving home, but you’re no fit. You’ll take your car out there and you’ll kill somebody, or you’ll get killed yourself.

  I’m actually okay Nicola.

  You’re not okay at all. Take the bus.

  I’m totally sober.

  Totally sober. How can ye be with what you’ve had to drink?

  Aye but Nicola I took it over a period of time and plus I’ve had the grub.

  You’ve slurred your words.

  …

  You have.