A Disaffection (Vintage Classics)

by James Kelman

  Naw I’ve no.

  Yes you have Pat. Since we’ve been talking the gether.

  I’ve slurred my words?

  Yes, you’ve slurred your words.

  He nodded.

  Nicola glanced about her, and got her black handbag from the floor; she brought out her cigarettes and lighter and when she inhaled smoke she coughed a very internalised sort of cough. Pat said: Tobacco’s a drug as well.

  You dont kill people by doing it.

  Eh …

  I hate drink.

  I’m no gonni drive home.

  It just destroys things.

  What I’m saying I’ll just leave the motor car. I’ll take a bus … Patrick smiled … This new guy in school, he was telling me he had to make the decision about drinking and driving, an either/or case – guess what he chose?

  The car?

  He sold the bloody car!

  Nicola laughed.

  Honest, I’m no kidding ye, he selt the bloody motor. That’s what I call free will and determination!

  Nicola was smiling. You’ll definitely take the bus?

  Aye.

  Gavin was actually worried ye know.

  Was he?

  Yeh. He was.

  Ach! Pat shook his head. He glanced at Nicola: That lassie I’ve told you about, she’s married.

  Married!

  Aye.

  Mm. That’s no so good. I didni know she was married.

  Patrick nodded. That’s because I didni tell ye. The other thing is as well, really, I’ve got to say: we’re no … going the gether. If ever we are gonni reach that stage then we definitely havent reached it at the minute, just now, at this present moment. Although last night was eh good in the sense that eh I suppose I really actually managed to tell her, to actually let her know what was what, with me I mean.

  Och Pat.

  What? Och Pat what! Dont be sorry for me. Christ that’s all I bloody need – pity!

  It’s no pity.

  It’s just taken me a while. It’s taken me a while, to work things out. I’ve had to work things out, that’s all. I’ve just wanted to make sure things were right. Otherwise it wouldni have been fair.

  Nicola nodded.

  It just wouldni have been fair. I had to try and make sure. So that I knew, and I wasni gonni sort of upset everything, if I just kind of maybe I dont know, rushed in or something. It wouldni have been fair.

  In what way Pat?

  Aw just to do with her I mean. I dont actually care if eh well I do care – ah christ I’m no sure, I’ve got to work things out.

  But then you’re saying ye have worked things out! Nicola was smiling.

  Aye. I’m just no sure. I’m just no sure. But I’m resigned. I’m resigned. Christ, I think that’s what it is, I’m resigned. This is me realising it for the very first time. There ye are. That’s one thing. That’s the one thing. Patrick smiled: Did ye hear I was chucking the job?

  I didni know it was decided.

  Well aye, more or less, I’m gonni pack it in all the gether. Uch Nicola I’m just bloody sick of working for the government, I’m sick of doing my bit to suppress the weans, not unless the headmaster starts letting me wear a polis uniform – if I can wear one of them that’s a different story. He grinned.

  Nicola was not replying.

  Okay? he said.

  She dragged on her cigarette. Then she shrugged. I dont know Pat, ye just seem to make life difficult for yourself – but it runs in the family. And look at your dad! okay, I’m speaking as a smoker who’s been trying to stop it for ages, but I mean he’s actually smoking more now than ever he did. And it’s so awful, so selfish. Your mum’s going about in a daze and it’s awful to see it, and it’s because of him I mean she doesni know what time it is. It’s because of him.

  Aw Nicola.

  No aw Nicola Pat ye dont go beyond three strokes. What the hell’s he playing at? The next yin’s the last.

  Pat rubbed his eyes. He closed them.

  Ye canni talk to Gavin about it either. As soon as I begin I know I’ve to shut up. I know that he doesni want me to speak. He makes it quite plain. So it’s up to him, and you, what yous do; yous’re his sons. If ye want to tell him then ye can tell him.

  Tell him what Nicola?

  To stop killing himself, to take it easy, to give himself a chance.

  We’ve all got to go.

  Och dont say that it’s so bloody stupid and selfish, it’s no worthy of you.

  Sorry.

  I’m so sick of men and their problems … She placed her cigarette down on the ashtray and folded her arms, her elbows on the edge of the table; she stared at the cigarette burning, the smoke rising. Even the idea of you giving up your job … But it’s not my business.

  Aye it is.

  It’s not. It’s your business. It’s nobody else’s.

  But Nicola it’s the family’s business that’s the bloody problem. I mean I think I actually only became a teacher to suit the family. Do ye know that? I definitely only went to university to suit them. Sometimes I think I’m only actually alive to suit them!

  …

  He smiled.

  That’s a rotten thing to say.

  He nodded. I think I’ll go away for an extended period; leave Glasgow. I sometimes feel as if I’m no longer capable of doing things that are good, things that are not bad. He smiled. That’s what I feel like. That’s why I think I better get away.

  She shook her head. I dont know what you’re meaning.

  No.

  I dont Pat, I dont know what you’re meaning.

  I only mean … he covered his eyes then uncovered them and clasped his hands together. I only mean, he said, that I canni be sure of my influence. What time is it? He glanced at his wristwatch.

  Your influence! Your influence is great! Look at John and Elizabeth! And that wee story ye told them! Gavin says it was really amazing! It was really amazing, that was what he says to me.

  …

  Pat, honest.

  I canni handle it.

  Pat, for goodness sake.

  I dont know what to do – but I do know what to do, get a bus home.

  Pat, you’ve just got to get things worked out for yourself. And stop acting like a wee boy! Nicola smiled.

  I dont know what ye mean.

  The way you’re going on just now. Maybe all men are the same but. I get so sick of it, your moods, having to watch all the time not knowing when’s the right moment to ask something. Even listening to you just now … all you’re doing, complaining – if ye listen to yourself – complaining, that’s all you’re doing. Nicola smiled briefly and shook her head; she sighed and puffed on her cigarette. I dont understand ye. You’re clever and you’ve got a good well-paid job. You’ve only got yourself to look after. You can do whatever ye want. If ye dont like something ye can just get up and leave. You’re free. And yet you’re still no satisfied. That’s what I think’s wrong. But that’s always how things are: the ones that want something never get it and the ones that get it areni satisfied, they just want something else. She flicked ash at the ashtray.

  After a moment Pat said, Aye but Nicola what you’re asking, you’re asking me no to think. That’s what you’re asking. And I dont think ye can do that. There’s too much at stake. I’m clear about that I mean christ that’s one thing, that’s one thing I’m clear about. Because I’ve got a job doesni mean I have to stick it because people dont have a job I mean that’s exactly what the system wants off ye; the last thing it wants is folk making their own decisions about working or not working and taking matters into their own hands, cause then the next thing ye know they’ll be acting as if they’re masters of their own fate and the next step on from there’s making social change, structural change. Revolutions dont come, you’ve got to make them happen yourself. And once people start making their own decisions, well, that’s when things might start to happen. At long last – because they dont feel: O I’ve got a job and they haveni so I better
look after it. I mean that’s crazy, it’s mental, as a way of thinking, a stupit logic, totally mad.

  Nicola sighed. I dont accept what you’re saying.

  Look at my da then right, it’s no just because he smokes and likes a drink he’s ended up with three bloody heart attacks christ Nicola he’s been working in that crazy job for fucking donkeys’ years and worrying himself sick about it. Bloody job! It’s a joke too! It’s a joke-job. Most working-class jobs are the same, they’re jokes. Joke-jobs. Just a fucking joke! Patrick laughed briefly. He closed his eyes.

  Are you as bitter as ye sound?

  What do ye mean?

  Ye sound so awful bitter Pat.

  O aye well I am, I am bitter, awful bitter. Are you no?

  Me?

  Are you no awful bitter? I mean I canni understand people who arent awful bitter. I aye think there’s something up with them, that there must be something up with them; as if maybe they’ve never thought things out, otherwise they’d bound to be bitter. It’s like being black in Northamerica, if ye meet another black person who isni bitter. I think if it was me I’d be amazed and I’d just think well here’s another silly bastard who’s never sat down and thought about slavery and the way people are still getting totally fucked across there and even so much worse in places like fucking South Africa or whatever. That’s the way I feel here. I feel christ almighty look at the way my family’s been treated for the past few hundred years and my fucking belly drops out and I get so fucking angry just at the thought ye think ye might end up collapsing. I wish da had got his strokes because he was in an apoplectic rage … Patrick grinned. He glanced at the door and at the clear-faced clock on the wall. Nicola not saying a word.

  What I try and do, he said, in the classroom I mean, is just make the weans angry. And other folk as well; I try and make them angry. That includes relations!

  Nicola was still saying nothing.

  Because making them angry’s a start. That’s something. Even just making them angry. I was trying to make big Arthur angry earlier on. I didni really succeed. I was trying to make him angry, I didni succeed. I have a lot of failures. My failure rate is quite high. I get reminders about it at school. I get subtle tellings off. But I dont care, ha ha ha. Naw but seriously, I dont. I really do not care one way or the other. Ach.

  Pat covered his face with his hands and he sighed, feeling the muscles at the back of his neck. All I seem to do is talk. He rubbed his hands together, the slight stickiness, dampness. Funny thing is too, he said, this past wee while back I’ve been starting to feel quite okay again. And I feel as I haveni been feeling quite okay for bloody years. If I have I dont bloody remember. Maybe I was and just wasni aware of it. Maybe ye can be happy without knowing it. Maybe as soon as ye start knowing it that’s you stopped being it. Straight existential psychology I suppose. It’s hopeless if ye reflect too much on yourself.

  The door clicked open.

  Gavin.

  The position Pat was sitting he couldnt see him properly. But he could see Nicola glance at him and in the glance were a mixture of smile and question and the question was clearly a challenge.

  The kitchenette was a narrow wee space; both Nicola and Patrick had to lean over the edge of table to allow him past to the sink, where he emptied the dregs from the teapot down the drain. He rinsed the pot out under the cold tap. I’m making a fresh lot, he said, anybody interested?

  Aye! Patrick smiled.

  Gavin said: I never heard the front door go so I figured ye still had to be here!

  Ye figured right brother.

  But, I thought ye had maybe crept into the weans’ room for a kip.

  Thanks mucker!

  Well, I seem to mind ye performing such a trick in the past.

  That Hogmanay! replied Nicola. We thought he had wandered off, then somebody saw a pair of feet sticking out under all the coats!

  A downright lie! Imagine saying that about your poor auld brother-in-law who canni even fight back, because he’s a bad bloody fighter! Pat grinned. Heh Gavin, did ye ever tell this wife of yours about that experience ye had as a boy? when ye smoked your first joint?

  Eh …

  What one’s that? asked Nicola.

  Ach it wasni really anything, just the usual kind of experiment ye do.

  Come on, said Pat, what about the big bloody fire! That was like something out of I dont know what. Plus these stupit bloody questions ye started asking the cops! Crazy.

  Gavin smiled to Nicola. It was the time we had just moved away from the Vernon Street house we used to live in.

  The Vernon Street house. That was your favourite.

  Gavin nodded. Aye, he said; and he said to Pat: Did you like the Vernon Street house?

  Well I did, but it was different for me I think, being that bit younger. I dont think my memories of the place are as pleasant as yours obviously are.

  It was the neighbours you liked though … said Nicola to Gavin.

  Eh well aye although mainly it was just I think the general atmosphere. He grinned suddenly and said to Pat: Mind auld Tony Ferguson? Gavin laughed. Him and the auld man went mental on the drink sometimes but we usually wound up getting good parties cause of it. Mind Pat?

  Aye, said Pat. But what about Charlie Murray! That ‘disgusting wee man’!

  Charlie Murray!

  He was a disgusting wee man, replied Nicola: Your mother’s quite right.

  Ach! Gavin grinned.

  Aye it’s okay for yous but I wouldni have left the kids in the same room as him.

  Ach come on Nicola!

  I’m serious Gavin.

  Gavin looked at her. Then he smiled. The time I mind best was the one they all broke into the betting shop. Crazy. I mean christ they must’ve been expecting to find all the takings lying in the till! Eh? as if the bookie was gonni just leave his dough lying! Gavin laughed and shook his head. But they were all pished. I mind it well, me and a couple of mates were standing there at the corner of Bilsland Drive and we saw this wee team heading out from the boozer. It was the way they were walking, we thought there was gonni be a battle. The Caber Feidh it was, that was where they drank. Auld Tony was leading the way. He used to go to town in a fight. Some reputation he had. So that just made us the more sure it was a battle. So we followed, and then they all skipped down a close so we crossed the road and skipped down the next yin along and then we crossed the backcourt after them. It was dark, after ten o’clock … Gavin chuckled. They were all banging into each other and then telling each other to shut up. Sshhh they were going! Ssshhhhh! It was comical! What age was I I must’ve been about fifteen or something.

  Pat laughed. What night was it?

  I dont know. Friday I think but maybe no, maybe it was through the week – if they were all skint I mean.

  Where was I at the time I wonder … Pat smiled. If it was a Friday I must’ve been at the bloody BB! You wereni there because you’d got flung out! Did he ever tell ye that Nicola, your man there, how he got flung out the bloody BB!

  Nicola nodded. Often.

  Often, said Pat, grinning.

  No that often, replied Gavin.

  On with the yarn, said Pat, and he rubbed his hands together with a smack.

  Naw, said Gavin, but ye could hear them a mile away … Gavin chuckled. Them all telling each other to be quiet. And they would’ve heard them down at Gairbraid Polis Office if they had been paying attention! Ssshh they were going, sshhhh!! Wee Charlie Murray was bloody moroculous – blitzed! I think they were bloody having to carry him. And he was singing away! Mind that voice he had! A bloody coalman! Anyhow but I mean ye know the crack, they had it planned to go in through the floor of the first storey flat, it was lying empty at the time. They actually got as far as lifting the floorboards at one corner but christ, they were so amateurish. That is what I remember feeling most of all. I couldni bloody believe it! They didni even bother keeping a lookout down at the foot of the close! They just bloody battered on regardless.

&nb
sp; The drink talking, said Pat.

  The drink talking, said Gavin. But it did look like it was the first time they had ever tried to screw anywhere in their life.

  Probably was, said Pat.

  Probably was, aye. But it was embarrassing. In front of Jackie and Dunky. It was embarrassing. I mean their das wereni there, just mine, and all his daft mates! Gavin shook his head and laughed briefly.

  But it shouldnt be embarrassing, said Nicola.

  Well it was.

  It would be, said Pat, I can understand that.

  Up to a point, replied Nicola, alright.

  Gavin shrugged. Then he said, You’re talking about your da remember, no knowing how to go about screwing a bookie shop; what I mean, no even knowing there’s gonni be nothing there!

  Uch the bevy was talking, said Pat.

  Aye. Ah it was funny but! Gavin smiled. Hilarious! They still talk about it down at the Drive.

  Pat said, I find stories like that really sad. No depressing – sad.

  Aye, said Gavin.

  Nicola said, How come?

  Uch I dont know … just maybe to do with a world that’s past, over and done with, gone and never to return. I’m no saying there was anything good about it especially, I just think it’s a bit sad, to think of it all.

  Jackie MacDonald was with me that night. He got killed. Mind? Fell off a pylon.

  Aye, that’s right. Who else was there?

  Just wee Dunky – Ian Duncan.

  Christ that’s a name from the past. What’s he doing these days?

  Dont know. No seen him for years.

  How did the boy fall off the pylon Gavin? said Nicola.

  He just climbed up it; I’ve told ye before. He had got through the barbed-wire bit at the bottom. Then what it was I think he just felt the tingling, or heard it maybe – that was what happened on pylons, that kind of tingling noise. He had got quite high up at the time and it was like he might’ve thought he was gonni get electrocuted … Gavin had put his left hand up to his mouth, and he continued: It was bloody terrible so it was it was really bloody terrible. I had to go up and tell his mammy god man fifteen we were Dunky was in a fucking hell of a state and then for months after it we were bloody blaming ourselves, blaming ourselves, bloody stupid. We thought we should’ve been able to rush over and maybe grab him or something, or even as if we could’ve managed to catch him. Jesus christ it was terrible. That fucking barbed wire as well man christ.