by A B Turner
"So where shall I begin?" she asked, I looked around the room, but nobody spoke,
"Hmmmmm, well as there are no suggestions, perhaps the unfortunate occurrence at the murder mystery book launch..."
She paused and looked directly at a young woman in the front row,who's whole face seemed to turn beetroot red in an instant,
"Oh Elle is in for it now," muttered someone, "I heard about this from Sarah."
Diana must have heard their comment, as she glared up to the rows of people behind me, her dark eyes flashing angrily.
"Something to add, Shanna?"
The muttering voice mumbled an apology which seemed to satisfy Diana, who turned back to the young woman,
"Now, Elle, I know you tried to get everything right and, to be fair, most of the evening did run smoothly, so that's to your credit," she began, both her voice and her expression having noticeably softened.
"But next time, when you're hosting this kind of event, it's generally not a good idea to tell every guest, every twist in the story, especially who the murderer is revealed to be in the final chapter, it does make actually purchasing the novel somewhat pointless, do you see?"
Diana looked at her intently, obviously hoping to see some kind of understanding, when the young woman quickly nodded, she smiled.
"We all make errors, Elle, all I ask of you, and everyone else here, is we don't make the same error more than once."
The meeting continued with Diana gently admonishing some while launching unyielding verbal assaults on others, as I watched, it became clear, she had far more patience with those who owned up to mistakes and admitted failures than those who attempted to defend, what was, in her mind at least, the indefensible. At last, when it seemed she had finished, she returned to the centre stage and almost ponderously removed her glasses. The room was so silent, even the sound my heartbeat seemed almost deafening. We waited, as she was clearly assembling her thoughts before speaking, I wasn't sure why, but I felt a sense of growing unease, not just with myself either. I wanted to glance across the room to Tom, but I didn't really know why beyond the vague notion he might have some idea about what seemed to be causing Diana such concern. Finally, she looked up, her eyes were calmer, there seemed to be almost a sadness of some kind in her expression. She clearly took a deep breath before she was ready to speak to the now enthralled audience,
"Before we end this meeting, there is one last thing I should like to say to you, which refers to your personal lives, which is an area, I am far from comfortable discussing."
She paused and looked carefully around the room, I found myself hoping her gaze wouldn't rest on me, not that I had the slightest idea what was to come, I just suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable.
"So, I just want to remind you all, personal relationships between staff members is not something I encourage, as I have found, the negative emotions which understandably can come to the surface, adversely affect people's ability to work effectively. Alternatively, when the relationship is flourishing, the focus of the staff involved, well, to put it mildly, is often compromised."
She paused again, although the room was still silent, there was now a voice shouting in my head, saying over and over again,
'She knows! She knows about me and Tom!'
My chest suddenly tightened, as I became more convinced she was about to say my name, it seemed inevitable, a kind of panic took hold as I imagined her, nailing me to the stage, in front of everyone so she could tell me I was fired. At this thought hit me, the panic was rapidly joined with anger at myself, how could I have been so stupid? I had barely even met Tom and yet because of my own weakness, I could now well lose my job and for what? A night? Kat had warned me, she had told me to be careful, but I had ignored her, thinking I knew better. I looked down at my hands, my hands were clenched together so tightly, every knuckle was a bloodless white. My heart was racing, my breathing so shallow, I could barely feel my lungs filling at all, I couldn't seem to see or hear anything that was happening around me any more until suddenly a voice from outside my mind broke through,
"Are you alright Carrie?"
It was Diana, her face filled with concern, I glanced back down to my hands and forced them to relax before looking back at her,
"I'm fine, it's just a bit hot in here, that's all."
"Are you sure?" she asked, I smiled weakly and nodded,
"Alright then, just make sure you bring some water with you next time, these meetings do take time, okay?"
I nodded again, I could feel my face flushed with a combination of the tumbling emotions and the acute realisation, at this moment, the whole room was undoubtedly looking straight at me. Thankfully, Diana turned back to face the rest of the audience, which diverted their attention which allowed me to try and get back some kind of control.
"Well, that's everything for this month, keep working hard, we are heading in the right direction everyone, so maintain your focus and remember, whatever you may think, I am extremely proud of all of you, I have a great team here and I believe we can achieve great things. Now off you go, I know you are all desperately keen on getting back to your desks," she smiled, " or I suspect, the more likely option is getting out the door for lunch.."
Everybody started to file out of the door, I stood up and followed, all I knew, was I needed to leave this room and just breathe. I could see Tom was ahead of me, I knew I should try and catch up with him and explain why I hadn't acknowledged him at the beginning of the meeting. But, for now, that would have to wait, I didn't have even the vaguest idea what to say to him, so I was relieved to see him step into a waiting lift, as by the time I reached the doors, they had already closed. Over the general chatter, I heard a familiar voice call my name,
"Hey Carrie, hold on, I'm trying to catch you up," I turned sharply and saw Kat weave her way through the small group of people huddled in front of a notice board. I returned her wave and stood to one side until she reached me,
"What happened to you in there sweetheart?" she asked, slipping her arm round my shoulders, "I was really worried about you, I'm sorry I couldn't get over to help, I was stuck on the other side of the room, wedged between that jerk from accounts and a fire extinguisher, it was a toss- up which one of them had more personality, frankly I think the extinguisher won!"
Despite myself, I had to laugh which seemed to relieve at least some of her concern,
"That's better, now, what happened?"
I quickly looked around us, even though it was lunch time, there were still groups of people idly milling about the corridor,
"Can we go outside, Kat? Just for a moment?" I asked, I noticed her eyes darken as a frown formed across her normally cheerful face. But she clearly sensed my unease and nodded her agreement without any further discussion, we took the next available lift, walked quickly across the reception and out into the welcome fresh air. I closed my eyes and just inhaled deeply, I knew Kat was still waiting for some kind of explanation, but I also knew, I needed a moment to gather both my thoughts and to give my heart some time to slow back down to a something like normal pace. After a few moments, I felt easier again and we walked over to a wooden bench, close enough to get back to work, but far enough away to ensure we were not overheard. As we sat down, I looked at Kat, who still looked both concerned and slightly confused.
"It was when Diana said about people having relationships," I began quietly, "I instantly thought she knew about Tom and me, I thought I was about to be fired then, before I knew what had happened, I was having some kind of panic attack."
Kat reached out and held my hand,
"Oh sweetheart, Diana would never have fired you, even if she knows, which I doubt, the worst that would happen, is she would have a quiet word with you."
"Do you really think that? Or are you just trying to make me feel better?" I asked.
"You've known me forever sweetheart, you'll never get any bullshit from me, there's more than enough of that in the world already without me adding to it,"
she answered firmly, I nodded my agreement. Kat sighed heavily,
"The only question is now, what are you going to do about Tom? You can't keep having these attacks every time he's mentioned, you'll be a nervous wreck, they'll be locking you up somewhere in a week sweetheart and I'm not ready to lose you just yet."
"That's comforting," I replied, Kat grinned,
"Well, like I said, you know me, always super tactful, they tell me it's part of my charm."
I shook my head in disbelief,
"I don't doubt they do, Kat, but who exactly are 'they'?"
Kat smiled broadly,
"Oh everyone I meet, sweetheart, it only takes a few moments with me and they're blown away, it's both a blessing and curse, you know, this charm of mine. But enough about me, what about you? What about Tom?"
As it was obvious I couldn't avoid him forever, there was really only one solution, I had to talk to him and explain, however much I liked him, it just couldn't turn into anything more than the one night we had already shared. As I explained this to Kat, I felt as if I was being incredibly selfish, putting my own feelings before him. But Kat quickly reminded me, this new job marked a new start for me, it was, as she put it, 'my time to shine,'
"And anyway, Carrie," she added,".. it's not like he won't get someone else pretty quick, he's a great looking guy and if you're right, he's awesome in bed too."
I looked at her with pure incredulity,
"Thanks for that Kat, it's always good to know I am so easy to replace."
At first Kat smiled, but then her brown eyes seemed to darken,
"Oh Carrie, you know I didn't mean that as it sounded, I'm sorry sweetheart, really I am."
I shook my head,
"Another example of that charm, I suppose," I said wryly, she grinned back at me,
"Like I said before, I just can't help it."
Despite my slight annoyance at her lack of tact, I returned her smile and reminded her we should be getting back to work. We ambled back arm in arm until we reached the large glass doors, where we paused, Kat squeezed my hand,
"It's going to be okay, Carrie, when you talk to him..he will understand."
I knew she was trying to be reassuring, so I temporarily ignored my own doubts, preferring to accept her version. We hugged and went our separate ways, but not before promising to meet up again soon. I watched her walk towards the lift on the far side of the reception area, she stepped in and waved to me as the doors slid shut. I headed back up to Jacquie's office, feeling slightly better, but still far from comfortable with what was to come. I knew I hadn't been entirely open with Kat, because whole truth was, I really liked Tom, I liked the way I felt around him, and it was more than just a sexual attraction. He was the first person, in such a long time,that made me feel it was safe just to be myself. If it was under any other circumstances, I knew, without question, I would want to see him again, but, as luck would have it, that didn't seem to be a viable possibility. Kat had been right, this job did mean a new beginning, but perhaps I had to accept, nobody can have everything they want, sacrifices have to be made and, it seemed, a potential relationship with Tom, was the price I was going to have to pay, I could only hope it would be worth it.
Later that evening, I called him, we talked for a long time, or, more accurately, it felt like I talked and he listened. At first, he was understandably confused, so I found myself telling me some of my past, in an effort to show him how I had come to this conclusion. Perhaps it was my openness, which made him thank me for actually talking to him and although he was disappointed, maybe we just hadn't met at the right time. He was so lovely, for a moment, I found myself questioning why I was having this conversation at all! But, thankfully, good sense prevailed- for once- and I tried to be satisfied we were still on good terms.
"But we can still be friends, right?" He asked insistently, "After all, we do still work together."
"Of course, I would like that so much, I just wasn't sure if.."
I was interrupted by him laughing,
"Oh you mean, you were worried about the 'f' word, something like, I don't want to be with you but I'd like us to be friends?"
"Something like that, people generally don't seem to take that suggestion well," I replied.
"Well, we might have had a problem if you'd started with, it's not you, it's me..but friends? Sounds good to me," he laughed.
"I'm so relieved to hear you say that, Tom, I like you so much, I really do, but.."
"Er, Carrie? Does the phrase quit while you're ahead mean anything to you?"
I laughed and so did he,
"So I'll just say goodnight then?" I added.
"There you go ..goodnight Carrie, you take care and see you soon," he replied, before I could say anything else, he was gone. For a few moments, I held my phone, willing it to make some kind of noise, either him calling back or even just a text, but there was nothing and I felt slightly foolish expecting anything. I wandered to my bedroom, quickly changed and slipped under the covers, even though it was still relatively early and I wasn't especially tired. I looked at the bookshelf, but knew I didn't really have the focus to read, so I logged on to Facebook, hoping to find some kind of distraction. I had decided some time ago to keep my friends list small in comparison to many other accounts I had seen, I had never entirely understood how you could possible keep up with thousands of 'friends.' My strategy had been largely successful, as now, when I checked my Facebook wall, the same names cropped up and we had all started to get to know each other. It seemed strange, I had often thought social media was for people who had nothing better to do, but I had been so wrong. Although I had originally joined so I could keep in touch with Lainie and Kat, now, it was a real pleasure to share the highs and lows of other people. After all, thinking about their lives gave me a break from dwelling on my own quite so much. So I slowly scrolled down, as always there were pictures of gorgeous men, funny quotes and the occasional inspirational message. I commented on a few posts, joined in the good luck messages to one friend who was starting a new job and added my support to another who was going through a messy divorce. It was purely by chance I glanced at the top of the phone screen and realised it was almost midnight, so after sending my love to everyone, I signed off and snuggled down into bed. As I had hoped, I felt peaceful now, Tom and I were still friends, everything with work was fine and the world out there was wishing me well.
Chapter 6
When I arrived at work the next morning, the atmosphere was anything but peaceful. Almost as soon as I stepped out of the lift, Jacquie appeared at her door and pulled me into her office,
"Oh the shit has truly hit the fan this time, Carrie," she gasped between huge slurps of her coffee, "I just hope you're in the mood for a challenge."
I nodded and asked what had happened, between more coffee and the seemingly endless biscuits which appeared from some hidden location under her desk, Jacquie explained, one of Diana's most experienced members of staff, Morgan, had called earlier and announced they were quitting.
"Seems she's met some Irish guy and is running off to the States with him, immediately too, no notice, no nothing, just called from the airport to say goodbye."
Jacquie shook her head, still obviously in some kind of disbelief while absent-mindedly reaching for another biscuit. I waited for a moment, but she seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, eventually I coughed, which caused her to look back at me. She looked almost surprised, as if she had somehow forgotten I was there at all.
"Sorry Carrie, it's just such a shock, Morgan is, or rather was, one of the most stable people here, just not the type you would ever imagine just skipping the country on a whim," she gazed at me, as if she was hoping I might be able to shed some light on the whole thing. I had no idea what to say, so I opted to try changing the subject,
"So what's this challenge you mentioned?"
Jacquie popped the last piece into her mouth before leaning forward on the mention of the word 'challenge.' She went on
to describe a forthcoming book launch at a London hotel,
"Everyone who is anyone has been invited, it's one of the biggest events Diana is involved in, costs a small fortune too, that's why she had brought together her best team," she paused to glance down at a file on her desk,
"Yep, there, your friend Kat Croft is one of them."
I felt a quick burst of unearned pride when she mentioned Kat,
"So where do I fit into this?" I asked, trying to appear professional, while still beaming inside that my friend was considered one of the best.