Storytelling

by Keith Coleman

  2. Warmth

  Much like charisma and magnetism itself, warmth is hard to describe or pin down. It can be an irresistible combination when warmth is merged with the presence (with a dash of power thrown in). Warmth is your approachability factor. How approachable do you appear to other people? How comfortable do other people feel coming up to you and striking a conversation? Warmth is not as much about presence as it about making those around you feel comfortable in your presence.

  How do you increase your warmth? Treating everyone equally, irrespective of where people are on the social status ladder. Make people feel important and good about themselves. Identify their gifts, talents, and skills, and focus on it. Once you become a source of generating these positive feelings in people about themselves, your presence can stir up plenty of positive emotions in them. This makes you highly attractive! Warmth is primarily accomplished by being a consistent source of positive emotions and energy for people around you.

  Do you know what makes television presenter and actor Graham Norton so insanely charismatic? It is no secret that his viewers and guests both adore him. His show “The Graham Norton Show” enjoys a huge viewership.

  He absolutely doesn’t snatch the spotlight, but still shines! Everyone from music stars to movie stars to athletes enjoys his company.

  Graham uses several strategies for establishing a warm positive connection with his talk show guests. He uses the power of a smile and touch to connect with his guests. Notice how he greets every guest in a different manner as opposed to having one size fits all. Graham has mastered the art of observing and gauging his guests’ body language, and calibrating or aligning his body language with the guest to establish a warm connect. When the interaction begins on such a warm note, the momentum is set.

  Next, he liberally compliments people on what they’ve strived hard to achieve, which makes them feel wonderful. Notice Graham’s compliments are never vague. He will specifically focus on some aspect of the art that the guest has spent years trying to fine-tune. He will dive into specific facts, figures, and records to compliment his guests rather than stating the obvious like, “you are a wonderful actor” or “you are a much loved and admired athlete.”

  You can build a warm positive connection and a fantastic rapport with people by offering specific compliments. So combine a warm smile with calibrated touch and specific compliments to build a warm connection with people.

  Graham also uses plenty of humor, fun, and laughter to increase the positivity around him. Even a simple sentence he says invokes plenty of laughter owing to his over the top expressions, exaggerated gestures, and play of voice. He is also a willing participant in laughing at other people’s jokes, thus making them feel great about themselves.

  Another very noticeable aspect of a charismatic person is that they are almost always doing the right thing. They demonstrate a higher moral conviction compared to the average Joe. This is exactly why you’ll find them reinforcing core values to move or inspire others into action. Remember when U2 fans witnessed them marching around the stage with then imprisoned Aung San Suu Kyi on the memorable 360-degree Tour? Madonna had also printed “Pussy Riot” in support of an imprisoned Russian group. Several performers, including the late Beastie Boy Adam, organized concerts supporting the Tibetan call for freedom, where they rallied musicians and audiences to support the Tibetan independence movement.

  A high level of moral conviction increases your charisma and magnetism.

  3. Power

  Though some people believe power and charisma are interchangeable or the same, it is just one aspect that can increase your charisma. Power is not charisma but it has an important influence over building an individual’s aura or charisma.

  It is an established fact that powerful people hold attention. When you possess some highly sought after knowledge, expertise, and authority or position, people will look up to you. Everyone wants to be appreciated and accepted by powerful people. They obviously want to impress someone in an influential position. However, even if you aren’t the head honcho or CEO of a company, you can wield this power. How? The answer may stun you.

  According to research, 60 percent of our interpersonal communication is made up of body language. This means that anyone who can play around with their body language to make it more powerful, assertive, and authoritative can slay it.

  Every time you are introduced to a stranger, display confidence and power subconsciously with a firm handshake. Avoid crushing their hand or you may end up coming across as intimidating and aggressive. Similarly, a weak handshake can be a sign of nervousness, inhibitions, or low self-confidence/esteem. Shake the other person’s hand assertively enough to demonstrate your self-assuredness and confidence.

  If you’ve seen celebrated social psychologist Amy Cuddy’s TED Talks videos, she speaks extensively about power poses. Assuming power poses not just boosts your testosterone levels but also lowers stress causing cortisol levels within minutes. Assuming these poses directly impacts the way you think, act, and feel because it works at a highly subconscious level.

  The alpha male, queen ant, or beer will occupy more space to show their dominance over the group. Similarly, to reveal you are completely in charge or comfortable accepting charge, you’ll mark a more than usual territory or assuming more expansive postures. Now, this isn’t to suggest that you should occupy three conference chairs instead of one. It simply suggests that you should be more mindful and conscious of maintaining a broader stance to project confidence.

  Primarily, you create broader body postures (to subconsciously occupy more space and signify power or hold over a larger territory). The idea is to occupy more space while making yourself appear larger. By using more physical space, you subconsciously establish yourself as a powerful, commanding, and authoritative person.

  While standing, keep your feet slightly wide. This simple posture can m help you appear more powerful and commanding. If your feet are held too close together, you’ll appear meek, nervous, intimidated, insecure, and anxious.

  One pro tip for enhancing your speech is to use the power of your hands. Most articulate and effective speakers know how to use gestures for making their speech more impactful. Research in the field of cognitive development has established that our brain’s broca area (which is responsible for speech) is strengthened by the utilization of hands or when we wave animatedly while speaking.

  Speech production and hand gestures are closely linked. If you want to be a more commanding and effective speaker, use your hands while speaking. This will invariably enhance your content quality because it directly impacts your ideas, verbal expressions, and thoughts.

  Even a person who is not in a position of power can reveal power and authority by controlling their body language. Establish your territory with body language. Hold your chin slightly up to demonstrate greater confidence. Ensure you are sitting straight while pulling down your shoulders and placing them slightly back. If you want to express power through non-verbal communication, never ever fidget with your hands or keep your face.

  This is known as pacifying behavior and is generally an indication of your discomfort in the environment. Look people directly in the eye while being introduced to them or shaking hands. One pro tip to prevent you from forgetting this is to play a little game. Each time you meet someone; tell yourself that you have to know their eye color. This way, you will almost always gaze in the direction of their eyes.

  Another way of conveying power is to practice having a commanding vocal tonality. Ensure that your intonation doesn’t rise at the end of a sentence. This can imply that you are in doubt about something or asking something instead of making a definite statement. You don’t want to reveal weakness, insecurity, and indecisiveness through the tone of your voice. According to a study conducted by Quantified Impressions, an Austin-based communication analytics firm, the speaker’s voice impacts twice as much as what he/she is saying.

  The key to building greater personal cha
risma or brand ‘you’ is to combine all attributes in proper proportions. For instance, excessive warmth before power can border on being needy or desperate. Similarly, a high concentration of power minus presence can imply arrogance or high-handedness. Then again, excess presence can make other people uncomfortable or make you appear creepy. You don’t have to undertake a personality overhaul to become more charismatic. Simply tap into your strengths, realign your perception of yourself, and become a highly desirable person.

  Another verbal communication pattern I’ve noticed in charismatic leaders and influencers is that while communicating with their team or a group of people, they will almost always talk in terms of a list. The message is sent in a complete and coherent manner to ensure effective understanding. For instance, a person may say, “The board’s new policies can impact us in four ways.” This positions you as an expert on virtually unknown or complex topics. It reveals the clarity of thought and action. Anyone with the clarity of thought, focus, and expertise become instantly attractive to others.

  Each time you want to address a meeting, give a presentation, talk about policy changes, or mention the benefits of selecting your product or service over that of a competitor, learn to speak in terms of lists. They give a sense of completeness and make you come across as more authoritative and powerful.

  Know the quickest way to feel confident, powerful, and control? Step outside your comfort zone. Most leaders already know this secret strategy that I am spilling the beans on today.

  Here’s another exercise that you can start implementing right away to boost your charisma and magnetism. Every once in a while, intentionally place yourself in an uncomfortable situation to master learning to manage this discomfort. Over a period of time, you will demonstrate more effective coping abilities which will soar your confidence and charisma levels.

  To appear powerful and confident, you will have to feel proud of yourself in some form. This pride doesn’t border of vanity. It originates from taking pride in your accomplishments. If you are not proud of yourself at a basic level, do some soul searching to know why. Actively work on this part to remind yourself about what accomplishments or things you are proud of.

  Chapter 2:

  Using the Power of Words to Increase Your Magnetism

  Have you heard about ‘hot’ words? These are words and phrases that are known to trigger people’s hot buttons or get them to take the desired action. A huge part of being a charismatic or magnetic personality is the ability to persuade people. ‘Hot words’ work at a subconscious level when it comes to getting people to do what you want them to. We link specific words and phrases with certain powerful emotions. There is a close psychological link between certain words and the feelings they evoke within people. Thus, if you want to increase your charisma quotient, learn to use the power of verbal communication to your advantage.

  Here are some master tips to boost your verbal communication prowess

  Use amplifying words such while you are speaking to inspire the required response or to stir up a specific feeling. This is similar to hypnotizing a person verbally. Notice some of the world’s most charismatic public speakers use the power of words to subtly hypnotize their audience into action.

  They generate a feeling of oneness, trust, belongingness, and authenticity by using words such as “genuine,” “valid,” “assure,” and so on to stir emotions of warmth, trust, and assurance. You can use these words to establish trust. Based on these words and phrases, the audience is likelier to buy what they are saying. These words tend to have a positive effect on people, which makes them respond favorably to what the speaker is saying.

  Similarly, when you want the audience to take immediate action, use the words and phrases such as “instantly,” “immediately,” “quickly,” “right now,” and so on. These words create a sense of urgency and lead people into taking the desired action.

  If you want to be a charismatic communicator and effective speaker, eliminate conversation fillers like “hmmm” and “aaaaah.” The speech becomes more impactful when you use short, crisp, and actionable words. Cut off the fillers from your conversation to come across as a more influential and persuasive communicator.

  Pause after making an important point to give the audience or person time to process the magnitude of what you’ve just said. Verbal communication is as much about knowing when to leave gaps between what your conversation/speech as knowing what to speak. Avoid using words such as “really,” “mostly,” “like,” and so on.

  These are nothing but conversation fillers that steal away the effectiveness of your talks. Speak loudly and in a medium paced rate of speech. Space your words evenly. Avoid speaking too fast or slowly. For creating the desired effect, speak in a loud, clarity-filled voice while maintaining a slower than regular pace. Mumbling and speaking incoherently is a complete no-no. It makes you come across as a hesitant and ineffective communicator.

  Invariably throw in some ‘ahhs,’ ‘umms,’ and uuhs’ in long conversations, especially stories. Try to cut down on the conversation fillers if you want to increase the effectiveness of your speech. A short exercise by reducing your filler words involves keeping mental track of the number of filler words you use during the course of a conversation or story recitation. Gradually, work in reducing these filler words and replace them with more effective and power-packed words. It will make a huge difference in the way you are perceived as a communicator.

  Speaking too fast makes you appear nervous, insecure, and uncertain. Similarly, a slower than normal rate of speech gives others the impression that you don’t know what to say. Few things make you more ineffective than faulty pronunciations. Similarly, a richer vocabulary makes you a competent, powerful, and effective speaker. Master a minimum of four to five words a day to become a more effective speaker.

  Use the other person’s language. Mirroring the other person’s actions and body language is one the most powerful principles of being a charismatic person through rapport building. People feel you are one among them or like them if you mirror their actions. However, mirroring isn’t simply restricted to body language. It also involves mirroring a person’s words too. If you notice they use a specific or typical word to describe something, try using the same word to describe it.

  Words have a tremendous effect on our subconscious. By matching a person’s words, you can build a warm positive connection with them at a deeply subconscious level. Simply matching a person’s words can help build a powerful rapport at a subconscious level. Be mindful of using ‘their’ words next time you have a conversation with them. For example, if someone uses the word fantastic all the time, you may say excellent instead of fantastic to describe the same emotion. However, for the other person, the connotations of “excellent” and “fantastic” may not be the same. It may not have the same emotional effect on them as “fantastic.” They may know someone who uses “excellent” in a more sarcastic manner, thus making them despise you each time you use it. Therefore, as much as possible, try to mirror the other person’s language. Ensure you use exactly the same words as the other person if you desire to build a warm rapport with them.

  Along with a person’s words, it is also important to match the person’s pace. Have you walked with someone you love only to notice that you both are walking together at one time? This is because there is an intimate relationship between you both that makes you match steps. When you both are connected at a deeper level, your pace is in sync with each other. Each time you are walking down the office hallway or street with your boss, co-workers, friends, and social contacts, try matching their pace. People will feel a deeper connection with you at a subconscious level without knowing the reason.

  The same principle applies when a person is talking. Some of us are faster-paced speakers than others. There’s a rapport that builds on a deeper level when we match a person’s stalking pace along with walking pace. If you can combine mirroring a person’s body language along with matching their speech and
walking pace, there’s nothing like it!

  Social psychology experts also suggest matching a person’s breathing. Yes! Can you imagine? It works at a highly primordial level. Focus on the pace of a person’s breath and calibrate your breathing with theirs. This technique is believed to be very powerful when it comes to establishing a bond with the other person. For example, if you notice the person is breathing from their diaphragm, it doesn’t help you rapport building efforts if you breathe through the upper chest. Match the pace and rhythm of their breath to make yourself come across as more likable, relatable, and identifiable.

  Use the right words to have the desired effect on people. Use more concrete and less abstract words to convey your point or feelings with greater conviction. For example, something like, “I can feel your pain” has a greater effect than “I am able to relate to your point of view.” Notice how the most enigmatic presidents were those who established an emotional connection with folks while addressing their gut and not their brains.

  As far as possible, employ language that resonates with a certain group of people. For example, if you are tackling a bunch of interns, you’ll avoid using heavily technical terms or jargon that is challenging for them to relate to. Interns may relate to more breezier, fun, and millennial terms. Likewise, if you are addressing a group of senior managers or CEOs, you’ll have to use more professional terms that they can identify with. In any speech or conversation, a charismatic speaker always tailor-picks or chooses his/her words based on his/her audience.

  Chapter 3:

  20 Tactics to Increase your Charisma and Transform into a Social Magnet