Storytelling

by Keith Coleman

  Prince completed a showcase performance in a tiny Minneapolis theatre on a cold January in 1979. The Warner Brothers simply shook their heads and walked out. He couldn’t digest this. He wasn’t ready for a tour? Absolutely unbelievable! Prince worried about how all the records would now be sold. However, the music label firmly believed that though Prince was a good record artist, he just wasn’t cut for live performances. In their opinion, he had no charisma. They sent him back to the recording studio for another album.

  Finally, after the success of the first single, the Warner Brothers displayed some confidence in sending their shy and awkward artist into the performance arena. The break came in the form of opening Rick James’ Fire It up Tout. James himself admitted to feeling sorry for Prince since he has absolutely no idea of engaging a crowd. However, Prince was made of sterner stuff. Even though he lacked charisma and confidence, he was eager to acquire it. He taught himself to be more charismatic and alluring on stage. He consciously picked up the mannerisms and techniques of the performers he loved. According to him, charisma and magnetism could be practiced and mastered. Prince wasn’t wrong.

  By the end of his tour, Prince wielded his charm on the audience. He has overwhelming response chants, wowing the audiences with his dance moves, flipping mics, and more. Fans were completely blown with his performance. So much so that the star of the concert (James) felt like he was overshadowed.

  How did the singer/performer go from being a publically awkward person pitied by others into a rock star performer who could give other performers a run for their money? Simple! He decoded and perfected charisma and effective communication strategies.

  Here are my most winning tips for transforming from a socially awkward individual (take heart in the fact that crowd puller Prince was once in the same space) to a charisma superstar.

  1) Take clues from people around you. If you think you have nothing to talk about, start being a good observer and note things in your immediate environment. These can be awesome conversation starters. What are people at the gathering generally chatting about?

  What type of behavior or talk is appropriate for the present circumstances? Be more aware and open where your body language is concerned. Notice people’s body language and movements, and try to keep your non-verbal communication in alignment with theirs.

  As a conversation starter, you can pick anything from the immediate environment such the food, décor, people (ensure you stick to only positives), city, and so on. Identify what the other person is passionately speaking about, and base your conversation around it.

  2) Ditch those devices, please. I may not know what makes a person attractive. However, one of the things that make him/her painfully unattractive is staring at their phone screen and typing furiously while someone is trying to communicate with them. Electronic gadgets have built this communication wall around us that needs to be broken down if we want to appear more approachable and charismatic.

  Avoid clinging to your device as a safety net each time you find the conversation slipping into lull–land. When someone doesn’t know what to say or there’s an odd silence, the easiest way is to whip up the phone. Don’t escape.

  Instead, make an attempt to integrate. Each time you seek the comfort of your phone, you are losing an opportunity to salvage the situation and enhance your social skill or establish a connection with people. As a thumb rule, use your phone only for three purposes, taking someone’s phone number, showing something related to a conversation, and checking.

  3) Physical touch is the key to making yourself more charismatic and irresistible to the other person. It helps in rapport building and creating a feeling of familiarity. Countless studies have proven that a single touch during the right time can dramatically increase your chances of being accepted and likes by the other person.

  Why does this happen? When someone touches you lightly, you may not even notice it. However, the effect it has on the body and subconscious mind can be tremendous. Physical contact helps the secretion of feel-good hormones such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin within the brain. These are chemicals that induce a sense of happiness and well-being with us. A simple and thoughtful touch is also known to reduce the human body’s stress causing cortisol levels, which is known to slow the heart rate, reduce stress, and reduce the fight or flight you tend to experience. Overall, a person ends up feeling more relaxed.

  This makes the other person more accepting and receptive of what you are saying. Other than lifting the person’s mood, you build a powerful connection. Instead of wanting to flee, the person suddenly becomes more relaxed and willing to comply. Try it, it works wonders!

  Ensure that your touch doesn’t come across as inappropriate, insincere, manipulative, and dominating. The effort will backfire. The touch should preferably be delivered on the upper arm. In a majority of western cultures, the zone between one’s elbow and shoulder is considered a relative ‘safe touch’ zone. If you don’t know the person well, avoid venturing outside this comfort zone.

  The touch must be quick and subtle. It won’t be as effective if it is very obvious or noticed by the other person. Don’t let it linger for greater than a moment. The touch must be implemented from a closer range with the right confidence, smile, and eye contact. It must also be delivered without pressure.

  4) Offer a genuine smile. It is easy to tell apart a genuine smile from a fake one. Notice how villains in films offer menacing smiles. There is coldness in their demeanor and eyes. It is easy to recognize a real smile from a fake one through the crow’s feet developing near the corner of the person’s mouth and eyes.

  5) If you want to be instantly liked by a person or there’s less time to make a favorable impression, remember to address them by their name. Dale Carnegie aptly said that “The sweetest sound to a person is the sound of their own name.” It couldn’t get any truer than this. Have you forgotten a person’s name merely seconds after meeting them? It isn’t due to a loss of memory. You probably weren’t interested enough or didn’t make the right effort to memorize it. People feel insanely special once you utilize their name. Make it your objective to ensure people around you feel special by using their name often. This will increase your charisma factor tremendously. Pro tip, next time you are introduced to someone, use their name thrice while talking to them. This way, you are likelier to remember their name and make them feel good.

  If you’ve seen The Wolf of Wall Street, you’ll realize how Leonardo DiCaprio’s character Jordan Belfort was one of the most charismatic salesmen you’ll ever come across in movies. He just knew how to smooth talk his way into a deal. There is a specific scene (Jordan’s sales-pitch to “John.”) The conversation spans about two minutes, and in these two minutes, Jordan takes John’s name about eight times. There is a clear psychological reason behind this. People feel wonderful hearing their names. Another important pick from this scene is how Belfort comes on slowly in the beginning and increases his intensity as the conversation progresses.

  Much like a preschool teacher reading to the class, you begin the conversation or speech with a low intensity. Then slowly increase it as the talk progresses. You switch back to the low intensity again at the end of your conversation. Raise your voice slightly in the middle of the conversation or speech when you are trying to add more drama to the narration. If you start on a high voiced dramatic note, people may sit up and take note in the beginning, but eventually, they’ll lose interest as the talk progresses.

  On the other hand, if you start with a lower intensity, and keep raising it slowly, people will eagerly wait for what’s coming up. The anticipation of the narrative builds when you start on a slower note and increase it slowly during the course of your interaction.

  6) If you are a fan of James Bond, there are plenty of tips you can dig up from there about being a charismatic person. Though he isn’t a real person, there are tons of things you can learn from him about being a people magnet. To begin with, his expertise makes him insanely alluri
ng. He is a master at everything from sailing to holding his breath to combat. He knows exactly how to get stuff done. Skilled, competent, resourceful, and expert people who know how to get things done can be highly charismatic. You won’t master any skill overnight. Expect to invest plenty of hours and effort to accomplish mastery in any skill.

  Again, Bond seldom gets flustered. He is cool, calm, and always in control of the situation. He almost always knows how to handle the most challenging situation. Bond doesn’t waste time and energy on unnecessary anger, threats, stress, and frustrations. He rarely relives past mistakes and quickly moves on when something doesn’t work in his favor.

  Avoid allowing small things to hold you back or get the better of you if you are looking to build greater charisma or magnetism. Instead of getting stuck in the head, ask yourself what actions need to be taken to make the situation better? If anything can help the situation, take action. Avoid needlessly dwelling on it though.

  Don’t let yourself get upset by things other people do to annoy you or bring you down. Ask what action can be taken to resolve things, which can include talking calmly to the person about behaving differently. At times, you can’t really do anything about a situation. If a driver just cuts you off on your way to work, there’s nothing much you can do about it. In such a scenario, let it go. Allow some things to pass when you can’t do anything about it. Attractive and charismatic people focus on action and resolution over ego. Be capable, unflustered, and resolution-oriented if you desire to be a more charismatic person.

  Also, Bond isn’t pushy when it comes to wooing the women and unaffected by rejection. This is exactly what makes him so desirable. He is confident and aware of his limitations. At some point, you will be rejected. How to handle the rejection is what determines your charisma quotient.

  When you are positive, playful, and confident even in the face of rejection, the other person is often forced to reconsider their decision. On the other hand, if you get perturbed and disturbed by the rejection, you are only proving them right. Getting upset strengthens the rejection. The most important and desirable aspect of James Bond’s aura is that he sticks to his mission even in the face of the most acute challenges, which is something we all aspire for. Charismatic people will stand up for their ideals in the toughest conditions. They are irresistibly attractive because they strongly believe in their ideals and principles. This conviction shines forth in the consistency of their actions. With their strong ideals, charismatic leaders inspire other people to follow suit.

  If you want to enhance your charisma, be more diligent, committed, and inspiring for others. Help them channelize their efforts towards a common cause that can make things easier for everyone involved or the greater good.

  7) If there is an element even greater than the confidence to add to your charisma, it is the ability to adapt to any situation, circumstances, or environment. Keep up with the latest trends, news, and industry buzz if you want to create a more charismatic brand for you in your professional life. Be willing to inquire when you can’t figure out something. People will be more than happy to share their expertise with you.

  They are not just almost always in control of a situation but also free from nervousness, anxiety, and inhibitions. Even if they are feeling nervous, they do a superb job of masking it with their outer confidence. One master tip while speaking to an audience or making a presentation is to use props. It will take the pressure from constantly coming up with new words, expressions, and ideas to keep the audience enthralled. You can also create a mantra for each time you experience a sense of fear or nervousness.

  8) Keep repeating a positive mantra or affirmation loudly or in your head before entering any social gathering, party, or public speaking engagement. Something such as “I am a confident, self-assured, and positive person who is loved/adored by everyone” can work well in reprogramming your subconscious mind if you are more nervous and inhibited person. Keep saying this repeatedly, and in no time, you’ll find yourself actually transforming into a more confident and adored social being.

  How does this work? Our subconscious mind is incapable of distinguishing between reality and fantasy or imagined reality. When we keep saying something continuously, our subconscious mind believes it to be our reality. When the idea firmly gets imprinted into our mind as our reality, our actions are guided by the subconscious mind in line with this reality.

  One of the most distinct characteristics of charismatic people is how they manage to stay calm and unperturbed in the most disturbing situations.

  A classic example from the movies is Val Kilmer’s character Doc Holiday in Tombstone. There is a reason it finds itself mentioned in every list of magnetic characters. Holiday’s most enticing feature is his ability to stay calm in every situation. He almost always exudes an aura of warmth and positivity, which makes him so likable. He is constantly smiling as if life couldn’t get any more rocking.

  9) Another tip for being a master charismatic person is to make your conversations more relatable and identifiable. I like to pitch myself as an expert like everyone else. However, I also like to narrate plenty of stories which help the average listener identify with me.

  At times, it helps to break the ice and create a warm, fuzzy feeling when you narrate accounts that make you appear more relatable and identifiable to your listeners. No one wants to chat up for long with a person who is beyond their reach. A few flaws and blunders here and there make you come across as more relatable to the average Joe.

  10) Brush up your trivia before attending social gatherings or giving presentations. Few things make a conversation or presentation as interesting as knock-out interesting and exciting pieces of trivia. It doesn’t take much effort and makes you come across as a funny, intelligent, knowledgeable, and quick-witted person. Research has proven that mental speed contributes more to a person’s charisma than personality or their IQ. If you reveal a presence of mind, are quick-witted, and can come up with instant funny rejoinder and responses, you appear insanely charismatic.

  11) Master reading and analyzing other people’s feelings and emotions. In a study on charisma, a few researchers selected clips from soap operas and had participants watch these clips without the sound. The participants were later asked to describe what was happening in the scenes. A majority of them got it right. You really don’t need to listen to everything people are saying to master the ability to study their emotions. You can learn a lot about their feelings and emotions by observing their faces keenly. Tune in to their non-verbal clues.

  Also, be more expressive and articulate with your own face and emotions. People who express their emotions more accurately and precisely are highly charismatic. Now, there can be another side to this too. You may not want to easily reveal emotions such as anger, stress, frustration, and so on. In such cases, appear calm, in control, and collected. However, when it comes to revealing more positive emotions, go all out and express yourself.

  12) One of the things that make leaders so effective and charismatic is their ability to ask rhetorical questions. According to The Harvard Business Review, charismatic leaders are always using rhetoric to create greater engagement within their interaction. This technique is as useful when you are addressing a large group as when you are talking to one person.

  For example, let us say you want to address an employee who isn’t performing well. Instead of telling him why he/she should be pulling up his/her socks, when you say something such as, “XYZ, where do you wish to move from here? Back to the office pitying yourself? Or showing the world what you are capable of accomplishing?” This gets the other person thinking and makes him/her act in the direction you want them to. You present two contrasting rhetoric questions and get the person thinking. This makes you a more persuasive and influential communicator.

  13) Charismatic people don’t get into unnecessary arguments and debates. They know how to win it without getting the dirt and grime all over them. Even when someone says something that you don�
��t necessarily agree with, don’t get into combat mode immediately. That’s not the sign of a people’s person. Take your time to determine your reaction. Say something such as, “Now, that’s not how I looked at it, this is a new and interesting point of view. I am intrigued. Can you explain further?” or “Now, this is not how I saw it and I may be wrong. I often am. Let’s examine the facts.”

  If you focus on how you are right, come heaven or high water, the other person is going to maintain an equally defiant stance. They will build their defenses as soon as you say, “you are absolutely wrong there.” On the other hand, if you admit that you could be wrong, the other person will also drop their defenses and be more willing to listen to you.

  Can anyone refuse something like “let us examine the facts?” By encouraging the other person to look at facts, you are not hell-bent on proving yourself right and the other person wrong. You are simply showing a keenness to know what the facts are and correct yourself if you are wrong. This becomes the approach of the other person too, which can work in your favor.

  Charismatic people rarely spend their time and effort in proving a point or proving the other person wrong. They simply employ the high road and analyze facts to arrive at the truth. Discussions, debates, and differences in opinion are not a matter of ego.

  14) Have you noticed Bill Clinton’s body language and demeanor when he is speaking to someone? He makes the person feel like he/she is the only person existing. This is one of the most noticeable talents of charismatic people. They are genuinely focused on making you feel wonderful about yourself. Their eyes will be genuine, keenly, and instinctively focused on what you are saying with their soul. They’ll make you smile, feel heard, feel special, and experience safety. You’ll feel like you are the most interesting person on planet earth.

  People relate to you and stay longer because they are experiencing strong, positive emotions in the company of a genuinely charismatic person. Increase your charisma by focusing all your attention on the person before you. Completely shut down your inner voice and self-talk to connect with the other person. Instead, experience the energy, feelings, and information that is being shared.