Secrets of the Heart

by Kelsey MacBride

Their gaze held for what seemed like minutes before he took her hand into his, not to caress it, but to thank the woman. “Thank you for that. I wish more of my friends were like you. They’re always trying to set me up with some eligible bachelorette. Week after week, they keep pushing dates on me. You name it, blind dates, planned or sprung on me at the last minute.” Michael shook his head. “It’s exhausting. I try to avoid it at all costs.” A thin smile formed on his lips. “But there is one lady I’ve met ...” He ran a hand through his hair. “Her name is Cynthia. A very nice lady and rich, I might add. We’ve been dating each other for almost a year, and she really wants to move forward.”

  Heather could feel her stomach tighten as she pulled her hand away. Even though she could never let Michael pass the fortress around her heart, she couldn’t ignore the feeling of jealousy that tore at her consciousness.

  “Well, that sounds like promising news, isn’t it?”

  “Promising you think, huh.” Michael chuckled. “I’m not sure if you would call it promising or a walk down the wrong path.”

  Heather pulled her brows closer together. “You don’t like her?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Robbins; I don’t mean to be pry into your personal business, but it seems you’re conflicted about marrying Cynthia.”

  Michael shook his head. “I apologize. This is rude of me to unload my personal burdens on you. I’m so sorry, Heather. Here you are, on your first day of work, and I’m being a complete babbling idiot.”

  “Please, Mr. Robbins, I don’t mind at all. In fact, I’m glad we got the opportunity to know each other better.”

  “Yes, I’ve enjoyed our conversation here tonight. I appreciate your listening ear. It isn’t often that I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings with anyone.”

  “Well, I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m always available.”

  “That’s very kind of you, Heather.” Michael’s lips pushed up his cheeks. “Maybe we can do this again sometime?”

  She returned his smile. “That would be nice.”

  “OK agreed.”

  “So Michael, what’s the problem with Cynthia? Why won’t you get serious with her?”

  Michael thought for a second. “Because I can’t love her with my whole heart and soul. Haven’t you had that feeling when you’re seriously dating someone, and you just don’t feel the same depth of love as they do?” Michael chuckled, “Never mind, I forgot you’ve never experienced true love.”

  “My only advice to you, as inexperienced as I may be, is that you don’t lead her on. If you don’t feel she’s the one, you need to tell her upfront. It’s not fair to lead her on.”

  “I know you’re right, Heather. It’s just that all my friends are pressuring me to settle down and have a family. They think it would be better for Evelyn to have a motherly figure around.”

  “It seems Miss Watson is doing a fantastic job filling in that role.”

  “Yes, she is.”

  “Is it okay if I’m perfectly honest with you, Michael?”

  “Yes, please be honest.” Michael gazed intently at her face, waiting for her next words.

  “You need to be honest with Cynthia. It’s only right. I know you used to be a Christian, and I know you’ve turned your back on God. I understand why you may feel that way. But listen to me for a moment. I believe that if we trust God, he will help you find the right person for your life.”

  “Heather, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need God to help me find a life partner. Maybe that fairy tale belief works for you, but it doesn’t for me.”

  Heather ignored the sarcasm in his voice and continued, “I’m going to pray for you, Michael. I hope someday, you’ll see that God didn’t intentionally try to make your life miserable. Sometimes tragedies in life happen and He allows our world to run its course. But God is patiently there waiting to love you. Don’t give up on Him.”

  “It’s not that simple, Heather. You’re asking me to forgive God after he allowed my wife to be brutally murdered? To just believe in him after what He’s taken from me?” Michael shook his head slowly. “What about Evelyn? Do you think she deserves to suffer from cancer? You have no right to tell me to believe in God.”

  “Michael, don’t think that I’ve grown up with a carefree life. I had a terrible childhood, watching my parents argue every day, saying how much they hated each other. And then they were taken from me in an accident when I was a young girl. Do you know what that does to a child? I was scared and terrified of the future, not knowing what was going to happen to me. And when I ended up at my aunt’s house, I thought things were going to get better, but I was wrong. My aunt treated me like an outcast of the family. I think the family dog lived a better life than I did.”

  Heather lowered her gaze to the ground. “No, Michael, I didn’t grow up with a happy childhood like you did. My parents weren’t there to shower me with their attention or to comfort me. But you know what, if it hadn’t been for my faith in God, I wouldn’t have made it through. That’s where we differ, Michael. I could have stayed angry all my life and hated God for allowing me to suffer a terrible childhood. But instead, I embraced the faith that I found, and you know what?”

  Heather stared straight into his eyes. “It was God who brought me out of the depths of despair. The one who took the anger and pain out of my life and brought a peace and happiness that no one could offer. He’s allowed me to become the compassionate nurse that I am. I know God loves us and is waiting to care for us. You just have to give him a chance.”

  Michael could feel the power of her conviction as she spoke. He reflected on her story, where she had been and what terrible things had happened to her. There seemed to be so much more behind her disarming smile, and he wondered if maybe he had prematurely turned his back on God. But he quickly pushed aside any doubting thoughts.

  “I’m glad it worked out for you, Heather. But it hasn’t for me.” They walked in silence together up the steps until they arrived back on the patio. Michael moved forward and held the French door open as she stepped over the threshold and strolled inside the family room.

  Michael followed her to the bottom of the staircase. “Goodnight, Heather. I enjoyed our discussion tonight, even if we didn’t agree.”

  She smiled at him. “The same here, Michael. Goodnight.”

  Michael watched Heather vanish at the top of the stairs before he strode into his study. He collapsed into the leather wingchair across from his library of books and buried his face in his hands. Heather intrigued him. The woman was so convinced, so sure about her faith in God that he couldn’t help feeling guilty for deserting his faith. Memories of the past when he had first met Carla flooded his mind. He was in a different stage of life then. His faith had been stronger and Carla had played a big part in helping him to see that it was important to involve God in every aspect of his Christian walk. But where had Carla’s blind faith gotten her? How could God fail a woman who had dedicated her life to him? Nothing seemed to make sense.

  Michael focused his gaze on the oil painting of his late wife hanging on the wall. Her face was radiant under the ceiling spotlight as she sat in a wingchair wearing a sleeveless burgundy colored taffeta dress with a strand of pearls around her neck. The painting had been a gift from him to her for Valentine’s. He stared at the painting for what seemed like hours before he flipped off the light switch and trudged up to his room.

  Chapter 9

  Heather grabbed a satin hanger out of the armoire across from her bed and hung her dress inside. She changed into her cotton pajamas and nestled herself under the soft comforter. Her thoughts turned to Michael as she remembered the look of bitterness on his face. She could see how much he had loved his wife and how much he despised the faith that he once had. A part of her couldn’t help feeling jealous that she hadn’t found true love like that.

  Maybe it wasn’t part of God’s timing or maybe true love wasn’t meant for h
er. Could Michael have been right? That she hadn’t given herself enough opportunities to meet the right man? A part of her knew that wasn’t completely true. She had some responsibility in creating her own dilemma. She was afraid to let another man into her tender heart. A heart that was vulnerable and afraid of being hurt.

  Would she be able to let her walls down and let herself be free to share her heart with another man? Heather couldn’t answer that question. All she knew was she felt God’s voice telling her that He had plans to use her to bring Michael to Him. She had no idea how that was going to happen, but she trusted in the Almighty. She folded her hands together and recited a bedtime prayer before drifting off to sleep.

  The next day, Heather got up early and had breakfast with the staff. Breakfast consisted of eggs benedict smothered in a rich hollandaise sauce and a bold brew of Italian coffee. She savored every bite of her meal before tackling the first agenda of the day which was to give Evelyn her daily medication. After thanking Miss Archer for the meal, Heather made her way up the winding staircase to Evelyn’s room.

  Evelyn’s room was large, about the size of a master bedroom and decorated completely with pure white furniture and bedding with gold trimming. In one corner of the room sat a recliner along with various items of medical equipment, including an infusion pump for Evelyn’s therapy. Even her spacious bathroom had been modified, making it wheelchair accessible. The bedroom window offered a beautiful view of the backyard pond and the dark denim blue of the ocean in the distance. In another corner of her room stood several easels with unfinished paintings of the seaside landscape.

  “Miss Parks, hello!” Evelyn was sitting in bed enjoying the last few bites of her breakfast. Heather made her way over and sat on the edge of her bed.

  “Good morning to you too, Evelyn. You don’t need to be formal with me. You can just call me Heather.” She could see the excitement in Evelyn’s eyes.

  “Is it time for our painting lessons?” The whites of Evelyn’s eyes grew larger.

  “First things first, Evelyn. You need your daily medication.”

  “I hate that stuff, Heather. It makes me feel sick all morning, and it leaves an awful chemical taste in my mouth.”

  “I know, Evelyn. It’s not pleasant. But, you know how important it is to overcoming your cancer. You’re one brave girl. Tougher than I am. I know I would have a hard time going through all that you have to do.” Heather brushed a strand of hair behind Evelyn’s ear.

  “I don’t feel brave. There are a lot of times when I cry after throwing up for so long.”

  Heather helped Evelyn into the recliner in the corner of the room and began hooking up the IV tubes to her arm. “Oh Evelyn, but you are brave. Look, after your treatment is complete, I promise you’ll forget about it when we start painting.”

  “I sure hope so.” Evelyn leaned her head into the chair and closed her eyes.

  “You know there was a time when I was your age and I was in the hospital for a broken finger. You should have seen me. I wouldn’t let the doctor put a cast on my finger. I just sat and ran around the room, refusing to let the doctor touch my hand. Now look at you. You can take medicine from an IV, and you’re doing everything you can to get better. Yes, you are way tougher than me.”

  Evelyn opened her eyes. “Really? You think I’m tough?”

  “Most definitely.” Heather tapped Evelyn lightly on the nose. Evelyn gave her a smile and closed her eyes again as the medicine began flowing through the IV tube into the PICC line in her arm. Minutes later, Heather unhooked the line and handed Evelyn a sugarless breath mint. Evelyn shuddered as she popped the mint into her mouth.

  “Tell me Evelyn what are your dreams?” Heather started cleaning up the equipment.

  “Dreams? You mean like when I go to sleep at night? I dream about lots of stuff. One time I dreamt I could fly, and I traveled all over the world.”

  “You mean like a fairy?” Heather gave her a smile.

  “Kinda. But most of the time, I just dream about Mommy and Daddy and how we used to be happy together.”

  “I understand. I don’t think I’ve dreamt about flying all over the world, but maybe someday I will. Like you, I also dream about my mommy and daddy. They died a long time ago, and I still miss them.”

  Evelyn’s face lit up. “So we’re both the same. We both lost our mommies.” Heather nodded her head and sensed the bond growing between them.

  “What about dreams about real life, dreams about things you want to do and places you want to go?” Heather pulled out an outfit from Evelyn’s closet and began to help her get dressed. As Heather shimmied the top over the girls head, her bandana slipped off and with it came matts of blonde hair. Her heart ached for the little girl, knowing how self-conscious and embarrassed Evelyn probably felt about her appearance. Heather acted as if nothing unusual had happened, delicately folded the bandana and laid it on the bedside table. Evelyn’s head was small, and she could see a few scattered tuffs of blonde hair that clung desperately to her fair skin.

  “I guess it’s OK if you see it,” Evelyn lowered her gaze. “Everyone else has seen it.”

  “I was just thinking how much easier and cooler it would be if you left that old hat off. You’re a beautiful girl, Evelyn; you don’t need to hide under that hat.” Heather looked sympathetically at her.

  “Everyone would laugh at me,” she puckered up slightly. “I don’t even go to school now because the kids stare at me like I have some contagious disease or else they gossip about my mommy.”

  Evelyn smiled and snuggled the bandana back down on her head.

  “OK then, but trust me, you’d feel better.” Heather slid her hand under Evelyn’s chin, “And I really believe you’re a beautiful girl. Promise me you won’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

  A faint smile formed on Evelyn’s lips. “I promise.”

  “Alright, Miss Robbins; are you ready to start our first lesson in painting?”

  Evelyn clapped her hands with excitement. “Yippee, yes, I’m ready.”

  Heather wheeled Evelyn in front of an easel and began setting up the supplies they would need to begin their lesson. She handed Evelyn a palette full of paint and a brush.

  “Now, I want you to look at the first painting you started.” Heather pointed at the strokes that made up the smooth surface of the ocean. “You see how you’ve made the ocean surface nice and smooth as if it were a calm day.”

  “Yes.” The girl nodded her head.

  “One trick I want you to remember is, if you want your water to look more realistic, you have to show the reflection of the sky bouncing off the water. The calmer the ocean, the more reflection of the sky you’ll see.” Heather grabbed a second palette of paint and began stroking a blank canvas with paint. Minutes later, she placed the last finishing touches to the canvas and stepped back. “Like that.”

  Evelyn raised her brows. “Wow, that’s beautiful. The ocean looks so real.”

  Heather gave her a smile. “That’s the magic secret to making the ocean come alive.”

  “I want to try now.” Evelyn’s hand glided across the canvas as she began to paint.

  “That’s it; you’re doing a great job, Evelyn.” Heather placed a hand behind her back and gave an encouraging rub. “You’ll be a great artist in no time.” Heather watched the grin on Evelyn’s face spread from ear to ear.

  “Thanks to your help.”

  A few hours later, Evelyn let out a sigh as she set the palette and brush down in her lap. “I think I’m done with the ocean. How does it look?”

  Heather stood behind her wheelchair and studied her work. “You did an awesome job, Evelyn. If you keep that up, you might be famous someday.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really.” Heather placed a hand on Evelyn’s back and rubbed up and down.

  “Heather, I think I’m going to be sick.” Her face wrinkled into a frown.

  “I think it’s time for you to rest,” Heather said as she took the pa
lette and brush from her hands. She helped Evelyn from her wheelchair and tucked her into bed before reaching for a bottle of pills on the nightstand. “Here, take your anti-nausea medicine; it’ll help with the sickness.”

  Evelyn made a face. “They don’t really help much.” She took the pill from Heather’s hand and placed it in her mouth before tracing it down with a gulp of water.

  Heather fluffed the girl’s pillow and gently stroked her cheek. “Get some rest now. I’ll come get you when it’s time for lunch.”

  “Okay.” Evelyn snuggled into her pillow and relaxed her eyelids.

  Heather quietly shut the door behind her and found Miss Watson standing in the hallway.

  “How is she doing?”

  “She’s feeling sick so I just gave her some medicine. She’s taking a nap right now. Poor girl. It breaks my heart to see young children suffer through cancer. Sometimes, I wish cancer didn’t exist.” Heather sighed softly.

  “You’re not the only one. Poor thing and so little as it is. I’ve done the best I could for her. You should have seen her in the beginning when she had to endure her first chemo treatment. She was hell on wheels afterwards. And then when she had trouble keeping up with school, she almost stopped trying. Now ... well, she just keeps her feelings bottled up. It’s like she’s lost that spark of hope in her eyes. Plus her relationship with Mr. Robbins hasn’t been the best.” Her voice trailed off.

  “I was meaning to ask about that. They seem to have a strained relationship.”

  “They’ve been this way ever since her mother died. After the situation in Jamaica, he shut everyone out of his life for a long time, including Evelyn. There were times when he would disappear for several weeks at a time, and no one knew where he was. Then when Evelyn was diagnosed with cancer, he started spending more time at home. But I don’t think he knows how to cope with her illness. It’s like he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders without any support. I worry about what it’s going to do to his health.”

  “They’ve both been through so much in a short period of time.” Heather tapped a finger against her lips.