An Unexpected Christmas

by Lori Jennings

  A little part of me, the part that liked to torture me, hoped that Nate was going to be in the kitchen when I walked into it but there was only Maggie sitting at the table, a half empty mug in front of her. 'Good morning, did you sleep well?'

  I smiled over at her and put a mental block up to stop the images from last night flooding my mind. It didn't work and images of Nate filled my head. 'I did thank you.' I moved over to the kettle and set about making my morning coffee. I turned back to Maggie who was still smiling over at me. 'Do you know if Ella is up yet?'

  'I believe she went out at about half seven, she said she was meeting Roddy.'

  'I suppose she wanted to see him before we went home, that makes sense.' I nodded then turned and poured the now boiled water into my mug. 'And Nate? Is he awake?'

  'He went for a run not so long ago; he will probably be back soon. I can't imagine him staying out too long.'

  I turned, mug in hand and smiled at her. 'Well I should probably go and pack. I think Ella wanted to leave before lunchtime.' Maggie just nodded and smiled at me as I walked past her and back out of the kitchen.

  I carried my coffee all the way upstairs and back into my bedroom before taking a sip and setting it down on the vanity. I had no idea when Ella would be back or if I would get the chance to talk to Nate. What if I couldn't and we left before we got the chance? I hated the thought of him heading to Miami still thinking that there would be something between us.

  I sat down on the end of the bed and looked over at the mirror that hung just above the vanity. My reflection looked like me but I didn't feel like me. I felt torn and worried and scared. I was so frightened of hurting Nate and having him think ill of me. But it would only be for a short time. I knew I was doing the right thing, that telling him we didn't have a future together now would stop both of us from getting hurt further down the line when we would be in too deep. I could feel the tears begin to form in my eyes and quickly took two deep breaths to stem them. I needed to stay focused and emotion free, it was the only way.

  I stood and picked up my coffee mug, taking a long drink and feeling the wave of calm I always got when drinking that first coffee of the day. I placed my mug back down and began to sort my things out. I opened up my case on the bed and started with the clothes I had tossed over the chair, picking them up and folding them as best I could so they would all fit.

  I was just about to empty the drawers I had unpacked in to when I heard a soft knock on the door. I looked up to see Nate standing in the doorway a small smile on his face and my heart jumped into my throat. I wasn't ready to do this; I didn't know what I was going to say. I thought I had more time.

  'Morning, I was going to bring you a coffee but Mum said you had one.' He smiled at me, that big bright smile that radiated happiness and was infectious and filled you instantly with warm feelings. Instead of making me feel instantly better it made me feel sick. I would have to try and do this as quickly as I could, like ripping off a plaster, and hope that it wouldn't hurt as much as I was anticipating. I smiled back with less enthusiasm than he had shown me then continued to pack my things, racking my brains on what to say.

  Nate had moved fully into the room and sat down on the bed. He watched in silence as I moved things from the drawers in to my suitcase and I got the feeling that he was still waiting for me to give him an answer to his suggestion yesterday. I wanted to wait for him to bring up the topic, but if I was going to do this I had to be brave, I braced myself but he beat me to it.

  'Have you, umm, had a think about what I said yesterday?' He looked so hopeful I could feel my heart break and knew this was only the beginning of my heartache.

  I took a deep breath and stopped what I was doing. 'I have.' I moved my gaze away from him and looked into my suitcase then lifted the top I had just placed in it and twisted it in my fingers nervously.

  Nate looked from me to my hands then back up to me. 'Something tells me I might not like what you're about to say.'

  His tone had gone cold and hard and even though I didn't want him to hate me, maybe it would be better that way. I took another breath to steady myself. 'I have had the most wonderful Christmas and I am so grateful to all of you for making me feel so welcome. It's just...' How was I supposed to phrase it?

  'Just what?' He stared up at me, his expression solemn and I could see that he had already started to close himself off to me.

  'Well, we both have to admit that it wouldn't work out.' He stood and moved over to the window, hands in his pockets and his back to me. 'We lead completely different lives and maybe we would try and stay in touch but everyone knows long distance relationships hardly ever work out. That and we have only known each other for five days, that isn't long enough to really start anything.' I took a breath, trying to stop the tears from falling. I didn't want him to see me cry, that wasn't the last image of me I wanted him to have. 'Nate, you're going to be in Miami for months and I'm going to be busy at work and maybe it would be alright in the beginning, talking on the phone, but I don't think anyone can conduct a real relationship like that.' He still didn't move but I noticed he wasn't standing up as straight, like my words were weighing down on his shoulders. 'Like I said, we're from two completely different worlds and that isn't going to change.' He turned then and was about to say something but I needed to get this all out, 'and I would never ask for it to change. You are who you are and I am who I am.' He crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back against the windowsill.

  We stood for a moment just looking at each other in some sort of sadistic staring contest that I was happy to let him win. I lowered my gaze back to the top in my hands and folded it once more and lay it neatly back in my case. 'It would never work between us.' I looked up at him and my next words came from deep in my heart. 'You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you deserve someone so much better than me, someone who will fit into your life, someone who you can share all your amazing experiences with. Someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.'

  'So that's it, that's your decision?'

  I took a moment and then looked right at him. He may be the actor in the room but I had to convince him this was the best thing. 'It is. Nate, you know I'm right.'

  He shook his head and pushed himself away from the windowsill and for a moment, one heart-in-my-throat moment, I thought he was going to cross the room and kiss me.

  It took him all of four strides until he was standing in the doorway. I didn't turn to watch him go but I heard him turn back towards me. 'As you wish.'

  I felt the tears silently roll down my cheeks even before he closed the door behind him. I collapsed onto the bed and let out one sob. That was all I would allow myself. I didn't have the right to feel this way. It was my decision to tell him what I knew would eventually happen. I loved him but I had to be the rational one, I didn't fit into his life. I was not the sort of person who would be good for him and this was the right thing to do, I was convinced of it and I knew I had hurt him but he would be alright. Nate would find someone who would be better for him, who he could love and marry and start a family with. I knew that when I got home I wouldn't be nipping out on my lunch break to grab a copy of the latest celeb magazines anymore and that I would use that time to read more books and try as hard as I could not to think of the man that no one else would ever live up to.

  I took a deep breath and wiped my tears away with the back of my sleeve. Then picking myself up I continued to pack my things into the case that only a couple of days ago I had unpacked. Had it only been five days since I walked into the living room and saw him standing there? It felt like I had known him so much longer than that and now I wouldn't see him again. No, I wouldn't think about it. I had things to do, packing and getting home and work and the rest of my life.

  I put the last of my clothes into my case then started to gather the bits and bobs from around the rest of the room, all the stuff I had in the bathroom was easy enough to gather and slide into the pockets
on the inside of my suitcase and then I had some bits on the vanity and lastly my Christmas gifts that sat in a small pile on the bedside table.

  I picked up the hardback copy of Persuasion and sank myself down onto the mattress then lifted it up to my nose and breathed in its slightly musty smell. That smell which was so familiar was no longer the security blanket it had once been. I lowered it into my lap and ran my hand across the leather cover. It was a truly stunning book and I would cherish it and the memories that came along with it even if they ached, I knew that eventually I might be able to look at it without the feeling of heartache but not yet, and not for some time. I placed it gently at the top of my case then moved the other things from the bedside table in around it and closed the top pulling the zip all the way around.

  I managed to drag the thing down the stairs and deposit it by the front door then I quickly headed back up for the mug of now cold coffee that stood forgotten on the vanity; once Nate had left I hadn't been able to stomach it. I made my way back downstairs and into the kitchen. I hoped Ella was back so we could leave soon. I didn't know if I would see Nate again today but I knew if I did it wouldn't be a pleasant experience.

  When I walked into the room, Maggie and Ella were sitting at the kitchen table and both looked up as I entered.

  'Hey.' Ella squinted her eyes slightly and looked me up and down. 'Are you feeling okay? You look a bit peaky.'

  I poured the cold coffee down the drain and placed the mug in the sink. 'Yeah I'm fine.' Ella sent me a small smile and I was glad she didn't push the subject. 'Are we heading off soon?'

  Ella looked down at her watch then back at me. 'About an hour, I have a couple more things to pack.'

  I nodded at her answer. 'I might go for one last stroll along the beach then.'

  'Oh that's a good idea. Would you mind taking the dogs with you, I think Nate might be on the phone for some time and they could do with a run.'

  'Of course, I'll just go and get my coat.' I wandered out of the kitchen towards the front door where I had hung my coat up the last time I wore it.

  I could hear Nate's distinct tone coming from the office and I paused for a moment near the door. The words flight and Miami where the only ones I could make out and I wondered what his plans were, then I remembered that it was none of my business. I moved quickly away and retrieved my coat then headed out the back and tried my best to push all thoughts from my mind.

  Chapter Thirty One

  Nate

  What the fuck just happened?

  I shut myself in the office as soon as I left April's room. I couldn't quite work out what had just happened. Walking around the desk I dropped myself into the chair and leaned back. I was running her words through my head and trying to comprehend them.

  Was it all one-sided on my part? I knew it had only been a couple of days but how could I have been so wrong? I thought she felt as strongly as I did. I knew we never said how we felt out loud but I thought it was implied, and it had all been so sudden that I didn't want to scare her off but maybe that's where I went wrong? Maybe she didn't think I was serious, and what the hell was all that about two different worlds? From where I was sitting we lived in the same one.

  I let out a heavy sigh and stood moving over to the window that looked out towards the beach. My mind was flooded with images from the past few days and the moments we shared on that beach. Our first kiss had been on that beach and just the thought of it now sent a strange excitement through me. It was like I was under some sort of spell that she had cast and no matter what she said to me I was hooked.

  I thought about leaving, going for a drive or a run until she had left but it wouldn't help and I still had some things to sort out before I left tomorrow. I didn't want to think about work and I didn't want to think about leaving there was a sadistic part of me that wanted to just think about April and everything she had made me feel and want.

  Her words kept circling in my mind and there was just a part of me that couldn't stop thinking that she was holding something back, that it wasn't the whole truth. I had to agree that a long distance relationship was hard work but that was why I had planned for her to visit and I would have done everything in my power to make it work. So what was stopping me now?

  I moved back over to the desk chair, sat down and stared up at the ceiling. What was I doing? What was stopping me from storming out of here and demanding she tell me what the hell has her so freaked out? Maybe it was the way she said it all, so calm, like it was just a fact that we wouldn't work out, that we wouldn't be happy. Well how would she know? She was making me question myself which just drove me mad and also made me realise that she was the first woman to ever make me so. She had gotten under my skin so quickly and found her way in to my heart and I knew it was going to take everything to get over her.

  Could it be that she had gotten enough out of me that she didn't need to carry on? Maybe she would sell her story and get her fifteen minutes of fame. I might have to warn Ian about it. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone then woke up the screen then dropped it on the desk in front of me. What was I doing? If I knew anything about April she wasn't the sort of woman to sell a kiss and tell story, she didn't like crowds for God's sake she wouldn't like all the attention something like that would bring. No, I couldn't see April selling anything about what went on the past few days.

  It was just playing around in my head all the things we said to each other and all the things we did. She was still in the house but a part of me missed her already. I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my fingers over my eyes. I could feel the tension start to build in my head and I knew I would have a banging headache in the next hour.

  No matter what I was feeling physically or mentally I had things to sort out. I needed to call Ian and finalise my travel and accommodation for the first couple of nights and I also had to cancel the flight I booked for April to come and visit. I wasn't looking forward to either of the calls and choosing between which to do first was like choosing between the lesser of two evils. I decided to sort out the flight and get that over with, I had only called them the other day and I was going to surprise her once she had decided where we were going in the relationship, I hadn't thought she would end it.

  I dropped my hands and lifted my phone then scrolled through to the number I had called on Christmas Eve. I waited and listened until someone answered.

  'Good morning British Airways how may I help you?' The woman who answered sounded friendly and upbeat for Boxing Day morning.

  'Good morning. I rang the other day to book a flight to Miami and now I need to cancel the booking.' I pulled the notepad I had left on the desk with the booking details on closer towards me.

  'I'm sorry to hear that sir. Do you have your booking reference?'

  I gave her all the details she asked for and only ten minutes later the flight I had booked to surprise April and to have her come and visit me was cancelled. I thanked her then hung up the phone and leaned back in the chair. Well that was one tiny hurdle I had jumped now I had to call Ian and I couldn't decide whether to fill him in on what had gone on over the holidays or not to mention it.

  I decided on not mentioning it on the grounds that it was no one's business and it was no longer relevant, no matter how much I wanted it to be. I couldn't quite bring myself to call Ian just yet so opened up my laptop and switched it on. Maybe checking my email would take my mind off everything that happened this morning.

  I was swaying towards swearing off women completely. I was starting to get a really bad track record when it came to relationships and I wondered what it was about me that was apparently wrong. My head was starting to pound more and I let out a heavy sigh. I needed to focus on work, that was how I was going to get through this; work was now my only priority. I clicked onto my emails and began to wade through them. There were a couple from Ian which I could deal with when I eventually rang him. There was also a ton of junk mail which I deleted and an email from Olivia which also joined the ju
nk mail.

  After fifteen minutes of procrastinating I picked up my phone again and called Ian. Waiting for him to answer I couldn't stop drumming my fingers on the desk just to vent some of the tension that was still coursing through me. I really needed to go for a run but I knew I had to sort stuff out with Ian first.

  'Nate, how was your Christmas?'

  I rubbed a hand over my face and took a deep breath. 'Yeah good, and you?'

  'Oh yeah you know the usual, spending the day with the family, eating far too much and falling asleep in front of the telly. The kids had a good time though, thank you so much for their gifts; you really didn't have to do that.' I could hear shuffling about in the background and I could picture Ian sitting in his kitchen, his two kids, Hannah and Megan running around and Karen, Ian's wife, sitting across from him with her sketchbook.

  Karen owned a very successful bridal boutique where she created and designed all the dresses. As a couple they fit together perfectly and I realised that was something else I had to not think about, how they had found each other and started a family and I was still alone, now even more so.

  'They deserve it. So a good Christmas all around?'

  'Really good. Right then down to business. I have forwarded all your flight details for tomorrow. A car will pick you up at two and your flight is at five. Do you need me to sort out anything else for tomorrow?'

  'Not for tomorrow, no.' I leaned back in the chair and looked over to the window to see that it had started to snow again. The weather had warmed a fraction, enough for the snow that had fallen just the other day to have melted slightly and I hoped that this flurry would only be light as I needed to get back home and away from everything that reminded me of April.

  'Great, that's great. There is something I needed to talk to you about.' Ian paused and I wondered what it could be that had him feeling nervous to bring it up.

  I sat a little straighter in anticipation. 'Alright, what is it?'