I don’t get it at all.
‘I can see my sexy wife looking like someone’s making a move on her! I have to go beat some guy into submission, and stake my claim.’ Jake growls, dodges his head to the side and I follow his line of vision, making out a man in his thirties talking rather animatedly to Emma and Sylvana Carrero in a corner, through a clearing in the crowd. Jake is fast moving towards them before I have time to say a word, like a hawk with prey in its sights.
‘He never changes, does he?’ I giggle as I watch him swoop in on the women with deathly speed, tilt his wife back dramatically in his arms and throw a passionate kiss on her mouth that most definitely involves tongues, and a lot of ass groping. Sylvana starts slapping him on the back, telling him off for the rather sexual display on his wife, as the man seems wholly uncomfortable and doesn’t seem to know where to look. He makes a move towards Sylvana, says something and then wanders off awkwardly. Jake as usual does not give a rat’s ass about any displays like this, only wrapping Emma around him more snugly and letting his hands roam her possessively, giving his mother a devilish smile of satisfaction. I only giggle louder.
‘He was never the jealous type before Emma. I guess that’s what 'the one' does to your mental state.’ Arrick replies flatly, looking over my head at his brother, and seemingly avoiding looking at me. His party mood has deflated in the last few minutes and I can almost sense the tension sweeping from him. I wonder if it’s because he knows he shouldn’t be near me, that his girlfriend probably won’t like it, or if he is just having some manly time of the month that has nothing to do with me. I wonder if they are fighting and that’s maybe why she isn’t here, why he’s in a strange mood.
‘Do you get jealous?’ It comes out before I connect my brain to mouth gear and curse myself inwardly. Last thing I want to know is how he gets jealous over her, whom I assume he is still with, despite her lack of presence. It’s been three months of silence and he hadn’t mentioned her once on the plane, not once, and Jake didn’t ask either. The way he is acting now tells me there is still ‘a her’ around though, otherwise what issue would he have with being near me anymore?
Arrick looks at me for a moment, those soft eyes honed in rather intensely on me before he breaks the contact and looks away. It just gives me the same internal tingles and flips, body unsure how to react or feel and I inhale slowly to push it all away.
‘I never used too; not in all the years I fucked around dating loads of women. But I guess things change when it’s someone who matters to you. Really matters.’ He downs another full glass of champagne and this time discards the glass before stopping the waitress and asking her for something else, something a lot stronger. She turns and leaves with a nod as he watches her trail off, with a faraway look in his eyes. I realise I am staring at him and turn my attention back to the people milling around.
‘Natasha is pretty, I guess she must attract a lot of male attention.’ I try for a soft smile, faking one best I can, the urge inside to just stay and talk to him, even if I hate the topic. Because for a moment, this is better than not talking, and walking away, to be strangers again. As hard as seeing him and being around him is, it feels a lot worse afterwards and I don’t want to taint my night just yet. I see that tense muscle movement in his jaw, the dip of brows and he seems to sigh quietly, all tell-tale signs that he is not a happy camper either and I curb the urge to ask him if he is okay.
Stop being weak Sophie.
‘Sooopppheeeeee.’ Leila bursts in and swamps me with her little naked arms around my shoulders and head, kissing me messily on the face and ignoring my attempts to bat her away. She is clearly already drunk, and I am starting to feel like the only sober person at this do, which is bizarre considering where I was six months ago. I have no clue why I am deliberately this sober still, it hasn’t been intentional.
‘Leila…Can you please stop.’ I untangle her lithe body from mine and stand her away from me with a cringeworthy expression, still not really one for overly affectionate touchy feeling from people. Even family. I prop my glass on a nearby table in case she makes me drop it with her over amorous advances.
‘The videographer is doing the rounds! I want to see all my favourites on the floor in ten seconds, dancing to my wedding song. You two get your butts in there and start dancing, get it going!’ Leila pouts at us both, grabs Arricks sleeve and my arm and yanks us towards the direction of the polished floor in the tent. Ignoring my attempts to get her off me and just pulls us onwards mercilessly with that defiant, sassy little walk of hers. Arrick doesn’t seem to object in any way and is casually being led on with no argument.
It’s lit with fairy lights and already the sounds of Ed Sheeran are playing over us in a melodic wave that hits you inside the space, all very romantically set up with floral displays and flickering ambient lighting. Daniel and she have a thing for using his songs at their parties, we have all heard how he wooed her to a Sheeran song when she dumped his ass in a moment of insecurity. I have spent years listening to the oober romantic tales of my family, mom being a complete wuss at heart who likes to know every single detail.
I make to protest, but fall silent as she lets me go and Arry’s hand finds mine, without hesitation. It makes me stop my silent refusal and go almost limp, at the unexpected touch. He pulls me with him silently, and makes the last few steps towards the empty floor, giving me no choice but to have my hand encased in his. It’s like being scolded at the same time as being stroked, the pain, longing of that touch, that sends my insides into a bizarre spin and renders me hopeless.
Looking around to see we are the first and Leila is going to get bitch slapped from here to kingdom come, I spy the camera man setting up in one corner, fully focused on us and know I have no way out of this without causing a scene. I don’t want to draw attention to the fact that we no longer know each other. The now arriving others as Leila does the rounds forcing couples this way are soon starting to surround us, and I try my hardest to relax, tell myself this will not be that bad, that I can endure this. I turn towards him when he draws me to the middle and hesitate, swallowing hard, breathing harder when faced with his body edging against mine and don’t know how else to play this, except look completely out of my depth.
‘Relax. It’s just a dance, sure Christian won’t mind.’ Arrick says flatly, looking over my head as though watching people come onto the floor behind us. I guess he can see or sense my tension, my expression must be one of shell shock. We stand awkwardly for a moment, before he slides his hand to my waist and tugs me into him, softly and slowly. Lifting his free hand up and offering it to me, so I get the choice if I really want to touch him again; yet I take it without even thinking about it, then stare dumbly at the way my hand fits so delicately in his, like it always did. It hurts me inside, in so many ways, and I bite on my lip to curb the urge to cry. To feel so right and so familiar this way, yet we are now worlds apart.
I assume the pose of waltzing, placing a hand in his and the other on his shoulder, turning my face away as I lean into him, so I can at least not look at him. His cheek comes down beside mine, gently against me, sending another wave of butterflies through me, as he starts swaying me in time to the music. It’s not the first time he’s danced this way with me; pretty much every party we ever went to together had him dancing with me like this, more than a fair share of times. Just none of them felt as awful as this does. It’s agony!
Held against him, feeling his body so perfectly slotted against mine, surrounded by the smell of him, the way he makes me feel. I have to bite down to hold it all in, remind myself how angry at him I should be. Find that inner fire of self-worth to keep my shit together, because at the end of the day… He let me go, and the last thing he will ever deserve is my heartache. My heart constricts, but that inner defiant me jumps up to slap it down, shaking myself back to the reality that he does not deserve my tears.
As much as I love him, he no longer deserves any part of me. He fucked this up, not me.
>
‘How’s school? How’s….. Life?’ Arrick says softly, right into my ear, huskily close and crazily sexy. I close my eyes, trying to not feel the devastation that deep tone gives me, or the way my skin tingles in response to hearing it right against my ear. I missed his voice.
‘Good… I am doing really well; my tutors seem to love me and I’m making friends…Real ones.’ I try to just focus on the swaying motions and small steps we’re taking in time to the music, aware of the crowd of dancers around us now and the camera man flitting around in a bid to capture everyone.
I catch sight of Jake and Emma nearby, nose to nose as Jake says something to her, eyes glued to hers and she’s smiling. Every bit infatuated by him as she has always been, her face glowing with sheer adoration. To me they are just the perfect example of when love goes right, and it just makes me feel even lonelier in this moment. She looks tiny compared to him, but he effortlessly seems wrapped around her, protectively caring of the love of his life and oblivious to anything else when she is in his arms.
Daniel and Leila are further back, I see them swaying, Leilas arms around his neck, gazing at one another cutely as his hands slide around her waist. Both his hands firmly plant on her butt as he pulls her pelvis in against him a little more snugly. He leans in and kisses her softly, despite the sexual pose it’s clear they are just as blatantly smitten as Emma and Jake, in their own way and I realise I am surrounded by couples who all just found their other halves so easily. The only pairing on this floor with no romantic connection is Arry and me and it hits me in the stomach like a blow.
I turn back to Arrick, aching with the number of real couples around me, spying Giovanni and Sylvana and even my mom and dad off to the side. Everyone just seems so happy and look so right together. It’s like being stabbed in the chest multiple times over and over, looking up at the one guy I stupidly pinned those sort of hopes on. His head is still against my temple, so all I see is perfect male throat and that up close and perfect smooth face of a well shaven man. My insides wrench themselves into a knot, a wave of pain hits me hard in the chest and I have to combat my reaction with every ounce of will power I can muster.
Why did you have to hurt me?
‘I’m happy for you Mimmo, really. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. No matter how you got there.’ Arrick pulls back to look me in the eye but I feel it coming and look away, so torn emotionally with that statement and the fact he is still calling me that. Feeling fragile and just devastated on so many levels.
A part of me wants to forgive him and go back to how we were, like none of it ever happened and just have him back in my life. Yet that broken part of me who is still hopelessly in love with him just holds onto anger and pain, and right now, he makes me want to throat punch him for just being this completely dumb. Always my most volatile when in the most pain and right here, held in his arms, is the same as being tortured slowly.
‘I am.’ I bite back flatly. Deadpan in my tone and expression. Not wanting him to ever see again how much he broke me and tell myself I will never ever let him close enough to ever do it again, even if it kills me to never be close to him again. I hear him sigh, he goes back to leaning his jaw against my temple, adjusts his hold on me and continues dancing in time to the soft music. We seem to fall into silence, both lost in thought for a long while as the music continues with other couples around us. I go back to watching the people around us and try to block out his touch, ignore his presence while the lyrics to possibly the most agonising song play around us.
Listening to the words is really the only thing I can seem to do to take my mind off the way he is expertly moving me around, lost in his control and unable to do anything about it. Trying to hard not to find anything in them to relate in anyway and just sway in time to the slow beat.
‘There’s so much I want to say to you……’ Arrick says it so quietly, so unexpectedly as the song nears the end. I feel my stomach turn over, glancing up instinctively and catching the sad look he is giving me, the way his embrace gets subtly tighter. For once a genuinely unguarded glimpse of real emotion from him, furrowed brows, gaze locked on me with a look of sheer regret that it physically wounds my heart. My already frayed emotions can barely handle it and I have to breathe in heavily to push down the torrent of tears working up in my throat, I clear my throat to cover it and fumble at any sort of response.
But then the moment is broken as couples begin clapping at the completion of the song and we break apart to join in awkwardly, aware that the moment is broken. I look around, anywhere but at him, in a bid to get myself and my emotions under control. Head crazily whirring at what I should feel or even say, I know his eyes are on me, I can feel them burning into my profile, but I cannot look back at him, too afraid to show him any hint of weakening resolve. So close to tears, so very close to sobbing and throwing myself at him to make it all better. He just opens up every vulnerable part of me, and pulls the rug from under my feet. I can’t let him though, and there is nothing he can say to make anything about this right, ever again.
Where he’s concerned, the wall is up, and he never gets to hurt me again; I am battling my own will to build it fast. He doesn’t get to see how he affects me and he doesn’t get to know that I still even care, I will die before I let him know that I still love him.
Once burned. Twice doesn’t get to happen.
Christian bursts in before Arrick can say anything else, despite looking like he’s trying to find the words, throwing his arms around my shoulders from behind and kissing me on the cheek by the ear in a rather sloppy way. I try to shrug off the wet slobbery kisses as I catch Arrick frowning and turning away, that Carrero death glare making a real play on his face. He looks out across the room behind him, catching Nathan’s eye and walks off towards him without another word. I watch him go, knowing this is out of character for him; being so rude as to walk off without even a goodbye or a hello to my friend. It goes against all his normal good grace and manners he is famed for. I grit my teeth to push everything down and throw on my winning smile as I turn to Chris. Acting like this hasn’t bothered me in the slightest and hoping he didn’t notice how rude Arry just was. Jenny strolls up towards us, from the direction of Nathan with a beaming smile and rosy glow to her cheeks.
‘You both look sexy.’ I smile, taking in the boy in the black James Bond tuxedo, crisp shirt and bow tie and the girl in the clingy red dress who looks a million dollars and most worthy of some Hollywood red carpet. No wonder Nathan was keeping her all to himself tonight, she is looking very sassy and sexual with very minimal effort.
‘You did say dress to impress as this was a glam do.’ Jenny smiles, fingering the sequin detailing on my own silver dress, it’s knee length and flapper style with lots of layered sequin and fringing, a high bodice with thin straps, and scoop back. I’ve gone for sexy, sparkly and yet modest. School has taught me a lot about fashion in such a brief time, and less is sometimes, most definitely more. Except where sequins are involved; then you can never have enough.
‘We three look like we could take the town by storm!’ Christian announces, hands on hips and a little wiggle as though to make his point. He clearly has had a few to drink and he is losing all of his macho guy act, thankfully. I prefer him like this; this is who he is, who I adore, and I don’t like the pretend cuddling up with him either. I don’t care if Arrick knows anymore, I am getting so tired of the whole charade and how awkward it makes me feel. I just want everyone to relax and be who they are, stop watching over our shoulders and get on with a good night.
‘I hope to just get through a family party without drama or major drunken antics, thank you very much. I am still living in repentance for two years of making my parents crazy, and my sister will undoubtedly make an ass of herself tonight.’ I dismiss the offer of another glass of champagne as a waitress comes by with a tray. Not really in the party and get hammered mood right now. Christian frowns, picks up a glass on my behalf and shoves it in my hands.
‘Hell no, we three are letting our hair down and having a blowout night. We have been good as gold in the last ten weeks of school and I have never been trashed with either of you! That is my aim tonight! Drink up bitches, we are going to parteee!’ Christian raises his glass and downs it in one go. Looking at me with a very serious look of a challenge in those naughty eyes.
‘Christian, I really…’ I object, but Jenny throws her Bambi expression my way with a sudden injection of serious frown and wet eyes on show.
‘Please Sophie. I need this. Me and Matt broke up before I left, and I just want to forget everything for one night.’ Jenny’s eyes fill with more moisture as both Christian and I snap eyes on her. Completely gobsmacked.
‘What? Since when?’ We gasp in unison, equally shocked by this sudden revelation. She had not said a single thing or has even appeared even slightly upset in the last two days of being with us. I am shocked that she didn’t tell her two best friends before now. I guess this is how she is though, she can be infuriatingly like someone I don’t dare mention, in that she plays a lot close to her chest and downplays everything as though she appears unaffected.
‘It’s been on the cards for a long while, we are just never really together and it’s taking its toll. He just doesn’t seem to care. Please… I don’t want to talk about this; can we just have a good night and leave all man talk right here on the floor?’ She looks to us both with pleading eyes and a hint of desperation. Knowing her like I do, I know she will be happier if we leave her to talk about this in her own time and just do as she asks, this is how she is. I lean in and hug her, feeling like she really should have told me though, as Christian pats her shoulder as though she were a puppy.
The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie Page 6