How would I explain his tattoo to friends or future children who thought it was equally weird?
Arrick lifts his leg from under the table and lifts his foot awkwardly, while I try and prepare myself for the moment of grimace at seeing it and try not to look too distraught. He is crazily flexible, thanks to his martial arts training, lifting a sexy muscular leg and showing me a completely tattoo free sole of his foot. Grinning at me like a smug douche bag and winking as though he is pretty much the funniest guy on the planet. I blanche and then glare at him, so not impressed with him anymore.
‘You’re an asshole.’ I answer flatly, annoyed, nope, enraged that I fell for it and could not for love nor money tell he was joking.
When the hell did that happen?
‘But yet, not dumb enough to tattoo your name on my foot. You love me though.’ He shrugs, smirks and eats more food as he continues to gaze at me, happy with himself and ability to dupe his innocent, tired little woman.
‘I totally believed you; you are a sucky boyfriend and I don’t think I do anymore.’ I pout, throwing him my best sulky face with attitude. Glaring at him, because he actually suckered me in for once, and I completely fell for it, like a dumb blonde.
‘I’ll get the tattoo to make up for it.’ He nudges my feet with his, now both are back on the floor and continues to smile at me.
Cocky asshole.
‘No, you won’t! I don’t want my name kissing any guy that you kick in the face.’ I throw back, refusing to look at him and stuffing my face in complete nonchalance. Digging into my food in a bid to ignore him and still quietly seething at my own gullible brain.
‘Is that why you hated the idea of it? I’ll get it on my butt then.’ He laughs, throwing me another childish wink and I just frown harder. His butt may be sexy in so many ways, but I do not want my name immortalised on his ass for all time.
‘So you can sit on me?’ Completely outraged this time as I stare at him in disbelief, He has gone from romantic gorgeous boyfriend, to smug, weird ass in about thirty seconds of conversation.
‘I like you kissing my ass.’ He laughs naughtily, despite myself, I curb the urge to smile and look at my food instead, frowning so hard to fight the tugging corners of my mouth.
‘I swear it’s conversations like these that make me rethink this whole thing. Sometimes you are just like a five-year-old boy.’ I throw my napkin at him, hitting him in the chest and he just continues to look like a smug ass who think he’s the best comedian on the planet right now.
‘I think you should get my name on your ass, and we can kiss each other’s. Or maybe rub them together.’ He giggles this time, laughing at his own jokes which makes him supreme lame head of the century and he just lost all credibility.
‘I swear I am done with this.’ I sigh heavily and try not to have some sort of eyeroll epidemic, face aching with the inability to stop a smile creeping out and trying to avoid the game of footsy he has started under the table.
‘Let’s get matching tattoos.’ He leans in conspiratorially, trying to hit me with the Hollywood smile and meeting dead pan nothingness.
‘Let’s not…I don’t want a tattoo.’ I respond flatly.
‘You already have one.’ He frowns, eyes scanning me as though he somehow thinks it’s going to jump up and say, ‘here I am’. Sometimes I feel like we have an age reversal and it’s moments like this that I forget we are supposed to have a five year age gap in maturity.
‘And whose fault is that? My mom still doesn’t believe you took me, paid for, and picked it! You were obviously not the good influence everyone thought you were.’ I raise my brows and widen my eyes at him sarcastically, that smile itching to just be let loose. He is still sat picking at his food in the semi glow of the candles and he just looks so much younger like this.
‘Just branding my girl, staking my claim, and they obviously still see me as the golden boy. Years of pulling the wool over their eyes.’ He gives me a smug smile, the I am not smiling yet I clearly am, one. Far too pleased with himself today and I wonder if it has anything to do with what we did in the bedroom that has him so relaxed and happy.
‘Hmmmm. Wait till they find out what you have been doing with me now then! Bet they no longer think you’re such a good boy after all….. How did we get onto the topic of us getting tattoos?’
He just smiles harder, pleased with his bedroom antics, although I am most definitely glad he isn’t truly a good boy when it comes to that.
‘Because I now have an itching for a new one, thanks to you, and I need to find a good spot for ‘I love Sophie’ on my body.’ He stretches out, dropping his fork and just eyes me seriously, I just roll my eyes, again.
‘Don’t you dare! Do you know how lame it is when girls get their boyfriends name tattooed on them? You would be worse than lame if you did it, worse than a lame girl.’ I point out.
‘So somewhere people can’t see it then?’ He asks innocently, and I literally want to smack him on the head.
‘Stop it, you’re not even funny. Considering you fight half naked, and all over the TV when you do, then the only unseen bits are not getting tattooed.’ I stomp my foot, missing his toes by millimetres and start to get agitated with his so called playful joke.
‘A little bit funny. I can see you smiling. Are you thinking about the bits the other girls don’t get to see?’ He winks at me again, that mischievous dirty look coming on and I lose the will to live, smile breaking on my face despite trying so hard not to let it.
God, he makes me so gahhhhhh.
‘Pretty sure there are not a whole lot of girls in New York who haven’t, at one time, seen what’s in your shorts Arry.’ I raise an accusing eyebrow, biting on my lip to kill the grin that is trying to surface. Not really that bothered that he has a past as a man whore anymore, I now see the benefits.
‘Ouch baby. So no to a new tattoo then? Or just no to Sophie in naughty places…. I kinda like the idea of Sophie in naughty places.’ He reaches out for my hand and I bat him away. Looking for a distraction of any sort to shut him up and leave me be about scarring my skin with another mistake. It’s not that I don’t like the little black rose on my hip and the memories of him holding my hand when I got it, it’s just I am not really a lover of permanent marks on me. Even if he did tell me I was like a little rose, beautiful, but came with thorns if you didn’t know how to touch it.
Now I see the symbolism in that.
‘What about that one? What does it mean, and please don’t say it’s weird and vague and has something to do with cartoons?’ I point at a symbol on his left pec, giggling at him; off centre, near the middle of his chest, trying to get him back to the previous topic.
I don’t think I have ever asked about that one before, nestled there as though the other art came after. It stands out because its encircled with borders and tribal patterns yet seems out of place, a different style entirely. It looks like Japanese symbols, maybe. Arrick looks down and points to the one I am gesturing, seeing me nod, he just frowns and suddenly seems to lose all his joking chill.
‘Little Warrior.’ He looks at me warily, frowning still and I wonder why that would even be one he wanted. Or why his mood has suddenly turned cagey and I get that slight wary feeling to my nerves that he doesn’t really want me to ask. I wonder why. It’s not like it’s another girls name, or maybe it has something to do with a girl and I feel instantly sick at the thought.
‘But you’re not little.’ I push, despite my own niggles and look over the mass of muscle of show, he isn’t exactly short either. My gut is telling me to leave it alone, but I am an idiot and cannot. I want to know, yet I don’t and now that we’re talking about it, I can’t just say it doesn’t matter.
Damn me, and my dumb head.
Arrick sighs heavily, stares at it for a moment, face unreadable and brows dipped down as though he’s thinking about what to say. I feel that tremor of dread and wonder if it belongs to a past girlfriend that I don’t know about, so sure he
had it long before Natasha was around.
‘It’s not my tattoo……… It’s yours.’ Arricks face straightens finally, looking serious and a little evasive, he sits up a little straighter and starts toying with his food, avoiding looking at me. My breath catches in my throat with that unexpected response and I just blink at him, so very still.
‘What do you mean it’s mine?’ I don’t know if I should be smiling or confused, unsure how to feel or why he would choose that for me, on his body. He seems to take a long moment of pause, inhaling slowly before even attempting to answer me. Adding to the nervous tension building inside of me as I just sit staring at him.
‘I got it after he was convicted for what he did to you.’ Arrick looks uncomfortable, eyes glancing my way and I put my fork down and really stare at the tattoo again, then at him with absolute disbelief. He has had it for years and I never thought to ask before, but I don’t get why he’s never told me this. Why he would never tell me this.
‘Why?’ I blink at him unsurely, tears prickling my eyes as something chokes me in the base of my throat. Happiness sliding away to something deeper, painful, yet not.
‘As a reminder…. To always keep my little warrior with my heart, close to me always, so I can protect her.’ His eyes come to mine, the hazel colour is flecked with green and heavily emotional too. I know he’s being completely honest and it makes my heart ache so much more. A tear gathers in my eye and rolls down my cheek as the realisation hits me that he didn’t do this for me, he did this for him, because I meant so much. It’s huge, to know that even back then I had this much of an impact on him. I was still a kid and going through the worst ordeal of my life.
‘I’m your little warrior?’ I repeat numbly, not sure why he even sees me that way. Overcome with the fact that he’s had this there all along and I can’t stop the tears rolling down my face at the fact he loves me this much. He always loved me this much.
‘I watched you stand up every day in the trial and face him head on Sophie, not once did you ever let him see you break. Even if after, you cried in my arms for hours on end. It was hell on earth to watch you look him in the face and tell them what he did, it was beyond brutal, so I couldn’t imagine what it was like for you. You were so strong, it was you who made it all stop, you who made sure he got what he deserved….. You taught me the real meaning of being a warrior… You taught me that nothing can’t be overcome, even if it hurts like hell, and you sometimes need to breakdown to keep going. No matter how many scars it leaves on you, you kept fighting. I have never been prouder in my life.’ He focuses on me, eyes soft, tone, softer and I just feel myself break, gasping as a sob hits me in the chest. The full weight of what all of this means. How intense his feelings must have been all these years and he still hadn’t even known it.
‘Why did you never tell me.’ I look at him, trying so hard to not fall to pieces knowing has carried this with him these last years, always had me on his body, etched over his heart. It’s so painfully beautiful. Arrick gets up and comes around to beside me, kneeling on the floor so he can turn my face to his with a hand under my chin, wiping my tears with his fingers.
‘It was for me… I didn’t want you to look at it and remember what it stood for.’ He has tears in his eyes too. The momentous weight of this little thing isn’t lost on me at all. Hitting me like a freight train that he has always loved me, meaning he had never really been able to love her at all. I couldn’t see it any clearer than I do right now and it’s literally twisting my heart to shreds. Happy shreds, painfully but good. Crying even though it’s not out of sadness.
‘You loved me… Even then?’ I sniff to try and curb some of the tears, voice a little rough but he only smiles through his own.
‘I did. Deep down I have always known Soph’s… I couldn’t face it, I was scared. I had so much to lose by going down this route. You… I had you to lose, and I figured that if I just pushed it all down deep and ignored it then I could keep you the way I had you. Safe and straightforward, no chance of fucking it up.’ He pulls me from my seat and onto his lap, so I can straddle him and curl myself around him, nose to nose, unable to stop the tidal wave of emotion that has overcome me.
‘Were you scared when you chose to stay with her, and made me go?’ I lock eyes on his, holding myself together a little more and just needing to understand that night. Needing to know so I can let it go.
‘I was…. I don’t deal well with emotional mess. Drama. I felt like my head was going to explode with all the shit that hit me that night. I did what I do best….. I reversed, locked it all up safe and tried to just put everyone back in their pigeonholes so we could just go on and not have to face any of it.’ Arrick looks instantly remorseful, tightening his arms around me and pulling me in tighter as though he wants to squeeze it all away.
‘You never thought it was just pushing me to leave? Ending us?’ I look down between us, heart aching so much with a conversation we should have had properly a while ago. I have just never wanted to address these wounds after that first night.
‘I thought you needed me in your life, enough to get past it. I didn’t think forward to the after Sophie, just how to throw a Band-Aid on everything. A quick fix.’ He presses his forehead to mine, I can feel his breath on my face, but I can’t look at him while talking about something still so raw to me.
‘You hurt me…More than I ever let you see. You made me feel like I didn’t mean anything anymore.’ My voice breaks as the sobs hit hard again and I sniff hard to stay in control. He kisses my forehead and I feel wetness against my skin, knowing he has tears too.
‘I know baby. I hate myself for doing that to you, for throwing away everything you do mean to me. I know how it looked, what it must have done. I can’t stop hating myself for that Soph’s. I just thought I was doing right by everyone and that I would have time to try and salvage something of us. I thought I loved her, but she was just a safety net, a way to hide from what I really felt……. I was terrified of facing that more than anything.’ He sounds so broken up, so painfully honest, it just fuels more of my tears as I cling to him.
‘So what changed? Why are you not scared now? When did it all become so clear in the time you stayed with her?’ I implore him, finally meeting his face and seeing pain mirrored in tear filled eyes, making me ache so much more. Strangely calming though, and I just watch his face, his gentle expression.
‘I lost you……. It was the end of the world for me. I was trying so hard to fix something that I didn’t even care about fixing, watching myself as though from above and just feeling like everything was empty. I thought it would get easier and then I don’t know…. It just hit me one day that I couldn’t do it anymore, I was barely functioning.’ He swallows hard, looks at me with such intensity and wipes more stray tears from my face.
‘I was here, alone, waiting on her to come, so we could go for food….. I was channel surfing to find something to watch to pass the time, so my head wouldn’t be left to stray or think, and that dumb film about Unicorns that you love so much, came on screen. I just remember sitting down and breaking to pieces, like something hit me in the gut so hard, missing you so much that I couldn’t breathe, like I was having a heart attack; it hurt so much. I wanted to call you… badly. I tried, and I got that beep tone because you cut my cell from being able to call you. I just stared at my cell for god knows how long, dying inside, not sure what else to do because I had waited so long and kept telling myself to give you time. Then Natasha walked in and I guess my face said it all.’ He wipes his own face and kisses me softly on the cheek, rubbing his nose against me for a moment. I have at least stopped crying, and I am listening, watching him quietly now, feeling a little numb now that I have a little more control, but it still hurts to hear this.
‘Is that when you ended things with her?’ I trace his brow tenderly, wanting so much to just understand and forgive him. I just need so badly to forgive him for this.
‘We were heading that way from day one, s
he was clinging on and trying to convince me we could move on. It should have been the other way around.’ He sighs at me, looking like a guy who just feels bad about everything.
‘Why didn’t you just come and see me, I needed you to come and see me.’ I lean my forehead back against his, aching and hating him a little as the memory of those months push through. Squeezing his shoulder’s, a little with frustration, that he made me endure that.
‘I stood outside your building more than once, not sure what I would say if you came out, too afraid to see you. No clue how I would apologise for everything I ruined between us that night…... I finally got up the courage to wait for you, and then I saw you and Christian together and I figured the worst thing I had been afraid of had happened, that you met a guy who saw what you were worth and wasn’t about to lose you, wasn’t about to be the idiot I was. I knew I didn’t deserve another chance. That I had lost you.…. So I left. Told myself I owed it to you to let you get on with your life and be happy.’ Arrick moves his nose to mine, hands tracing my face as he angles me close as humanly possible. So much translating in a look. My tears have stopped, heart still in pain but knowing now how much he loved me, even then, can help me heal a little.
‘I missed you so much. I hated that you just didn’t try to call me, or see me. You just ceased to exist, left me alone.’ I whisper against him brokenly. A new single tear breaking loose.
‘You were always in my head, believe that. Every second. I missed you so much that I just saw you everywhere baby. In every blonde girl on the street, in every Unicorn stuffed toy I saw on display, every song or movie that reminded me of you, even passing a sundae store. I wanted to see you, to talk to you… But I was afraid to reach out and have you tell me you had fallen for someone else. I didn’t have the strength to hear that, it would have killed me.’ He buries his hands in my hair, tenderly holding me close, two hearts laid bare and as painful as this conversation is for both of us, it’s needed. I need to know these things, feel this out and finally let the past go.
The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie Page 28