‘I don’t get how you could love her, if you loved me that much? … How you could think that you loved her if you didn’t? Why you even first thought she was someone you wanted to be with?’ I tilt my chin to look him steadily in the eye, unsure but ready to hear everything.
‘She filled a void I guess; met her at a time I needed more than casual hook ups. I needed to feel like I was taking care of someone after I stopped taking care of you, and she was a sweet vulnerable girl who seemed like she needed me. I just felt disconnected, and tired of the single life. I missed the companionship of having you close by ….. But at the time I didn’t see it was related; I guess looking back, I tried to replace you with a polar opposite who would not be out of bounds to love.’ He frowns; my heart constricting as I try to digest what that even means. So heavy with so much going on inside of me that I am struggling to breathe normally, my hands trembling.
He chose someone who was my complete opposite on purpose, because he felt like he wasn’t allowed to have me?
‘But we weren’t anything back then and you still had contact with me. You always had me.’ I watch him carefully, trying to understand how he could think that’s what he did. Trying to understand what she ever was to him.
‘I moved away, I wasn’t getting to see you as much, because of life, school. Work and training made it harder to just drop everything to see you and I didn’t even know that’s why I felt so fucked up. I thought I was just tired of dates and random hook ups. I couldn’t see the connection Sophie, so I couldn’t understand how emotionally invested I was with you. You saw how I reacted when you told me you loved me, I was so far down the path of denial I couldn’t think straight.’ He nudges me with his nose and gently kisses the corner of my mouth, stroking my face once more. His voice is so low and husky, still sitting in darkness and lit only by candlelight, our food forgotten and this moment so much more intense than I ever imagined it could get.
‘You never really loved her the way you thought you did? Why did you choose her then? That’s what I just can’t seem to get my head round, if all of this here shows me that you always loved me, then why did you choose to be with her?’ The tense ache in my tone, the pain in my words. He just sighs against me so very sadly, watching me closely and keeping me wrapped up tight in his lap.
‘I grew up watching how much Jake hurt my parents Soph’s, when he went off the rails after my dad’s affair. He made an art form of living impulsively, using women for his own ends and hurting people in his wake, because he didn’t give a shit about anyone except what he wanted to do. I love my brother, but I didn’t love the pain he caused in those years or the chaos he left in his wake, and I never wanted to be that guy. I didn’t want to be my father either, when he chose sex over my mom, threw away her love for something new and exciting, and I felt like it’s what we were doing. It’s complicated; Messy, and I don’t even know how to explain. I just thought I could fix it, so no one got hurt and I would still be the guy everyone relied on, everyone trusted. I kept telling myself it wasn’t right to be with you that way and I had a world of reasons holding me back…. Fear being the worst. I reacted, didn’t think it through, couldn’t face reality I guess.’ We rest our heads together, both lost in our own little mind bubbles in this moment, both thinking through all that’s been said.
‘I know that should make me feel better about her. I know all of that should help me sort my head out…. I just .. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.’ I feel frustrated, flailing at whatever my head is trying to formulate and just feeling so very tired from all of this.
‘I should have seen what we were, and I should have chased you…Regardless of Christian. I hate that I lost that time with you. That I let my head stand in the way of what my heart wanted, more than once.’ He kisses me tenderly, capturing my mouth with his, healing so many little wounds this conversation has opened, making me feel cherished with such a simple act. When he breaks away I look at him warily, a little secret I know I should tell him while we are sharing this kind of truth.
‘I saw her, in the bathroom, last night. She spoke to me, kind of.’ I look away from him and swallow hard. Feeling compelled to confess, seeing as he is being forthright about everything. And she is obviously the subject right now.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ His hand wanders up to play with my hair and I shrug, unsure as to why I felt I couldn’t really. I guess knowing how he gets when I react the way I do. I’m hoping after this conversation I might start to feel differently about her, knowing just how long and how deeply he has always cared about me this way, always loved me. Just that thought alone can make my heart soar above the wounds he inflicted on me.
‘She was upset and angry and just a mess. It wasn’t exactly an enjoyable conversation and I just kept thinking that she is me, six months ago. The train wreck drunk girl in a club, dressed to attract any guy that cares and not giving a shit about how she behaves, because she’s in pain. I just kept thinking…I did that to her.’ I look at him and feel the tears bite my eyes, guilt racking my gut.
‘I did. I did it to both of you, without meaning it with either. Where do you think the guilt comes from when it comes to her Soph’s? Knowing that you got the way you did because of me, and now she’s pretty much reliving your last two years. I’ve been trying to help her, dealing with her father’s insurance company over his med bills, trying to get her to calm down and stop being so reckless.’ He seems so utterly deflated, that making all my jealousy and stupid doubts about him even more unfounded, the guilt heavy within me.
‘She said she calls you to come get her…. Like I used to do.’ I watch his face steadily, knowing the nights I am with him he has never gone, but I don’t know how many nights that I am not with him that he maybe has. Not that there is many anymore, he is pretty much a constant bed fellow because he likes to cuddle up with me. Regardless, I feel myself tensing as I watch for his response.
‘She called a few times, usually when I’m with you. I tell her to go home Soph’s. I have never gone out and picked her up the way I did with you. I am not that dumb, it would only give her the wrong idea.’ Arrick stands up, pulls me with him so he can properly pull me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around my waist, snugly against him so I can lay my head on that sexily naked chest and listen to his heartbeat as he golds me tight; his face on top of my head.
‘Does she think that if she does, you’ll maybe go back to her?’ I look up at him questioningly, trying so hard to just put to bed all the emotions surrounding him still letting her linger.
‘I don’t know what’s going on in her head. I’ve told her more than once that we will never go back. That I have already moved on. I think she’s just not coping and this will eventually get better as she starts to get over me. I think her dad’s cancer has just pushed her to the edge to be honest, and she is not herself right now.’ He looks distraught and as much as I still want to tell him to cut all ties with her I can’t. Part of me sees the mess of her in my head and feels responsible, part of me looks at how much he feels the guilt of how she is and just know it would be worse if I forced him to make her leave us alone. I am so torn. Selfish and insecure, yet I get it. I know that he loves me now, always did, it should be enough to not care about her in our life anymore.
‘I don’t want to talk about her anymore.’ I tighten my arms around him, back to pressing my cheek next to delicious skin with its slight scattering of hair. Lost in how he feels. Still exhausted, but feeling more human after some food and a lot of honesty. Somehow knowing more about what he felt for me back then helps me let go a little of the hurt I have been harbouring.
‘Me either… This day is about you… and us. Want to go back to bed, take a nap, watch a movie? ….. Have sex?’ He grins cheekily, nudging me coyly, even if there is still a hint of seriousness in his tone. I know that he is still lingering on the things we have said, covering it with attempts to get me back in bed. I just love him all the more right now.
&nb
sp; ‘Sounds good to me… Maybe not in that order though.’ I nudge him suggestively, bumping into his groin naughtily, equally willing to end this far too intense moment and lighten back up.
‘I’m not going to just assume I can have sex on tap now that we crossed that hurdle… But I will keep angling for it anytime you’re up for it. That was too good not to.’ He grins and leans in to kiss me hard. Breaking away when we are both breathing a little more heavily, angling for sex with a kiss that steamy. I ponder his expression, seeing that little tiny hint of tension still there.
‘I want you to just be normal with me, don’t over think it, or over compensate… I don’t need handling with kid gloves. I want you to just, you know, seduce me anytime your horny. I want to be like any other girl. I want to be normal too.’ I look him dead in the eye with every ounce of seriousness I can muster, so sure about this little fact. I don’t want him policing his urges and attentions towards me, I want the groping, ass pinching and feeling up I see Claire and James do to one another. I want him to pick me up caveman style and drag me to bed when we’re in the middle of dinner or a movie. I want to feel like he can’t keep his hands to himself and just has to have me at any given time. I think it’s what I need more than anything right now.
‘You’re not like any normal girl though… You’re my girl, special and beautiful and way outclass any girl I have ever known baby. But. you will maybe regret letting my libido loose, I have been behaving myself for far too long and don’t think you should set me loose without boundaries.’ He chuckles, running his fingers through my hair before cupping my face and leaning in to kiss me lightly on the lips.
‘No boundaries….. I trust you. I’ll tell you No if I don’t want to. I just want you to be like you would if I was any other girl you were dating.’ Arrick presses his forehead to mine, kisses me again and then lifts me up under the arms so I am the same height as him. He looks at me for a long moment, complete adoration crossing that handsome face before he breaks into the cutest smile, with full dimples on show and melts what’s left of my heart.
‘In that case…. I’m getting you naked and showing you exactly what else I can do with my mouth and hands.’
Chapter 20
‘I need to get up.’ Arrick makes a move to get out of bed and I hold on desperately.
‘Nooooo… five more minutes.’ I cling to him irrationally, hating that he needs to go get a flight and leave me for a week. The last twenty-four hours we have not left this bed except to eat and use the bathroom and I don’t want to uncurl from his naked body now. Especially not after the amount of times he has shown me exactly what that body is capable of doing to me. I am shattered beyond belief, glad it’s Sunday so I can finally sleep as we haven’t done much of that and my body is tingling with every memory.
‘I don’t want to leave either, but if I am not on that flight in forty-five minutes Nate and James will kill me. I have to go Soph’s I have delayed getting up twice already.’ He laughs at me, trying to uncurl my grip on him gently and sliding nearer the edge of the bed.
‘I hate you.’ I murmur as he slides out from under me, kissing me on the head as he lets me go, leaving me lonesome so suddenly.
‘I love you enough for both of us.’ He winks and walks to the bathroom, switching on the shower and coming back to poke his head around the door. I lay here looking at him longingly.
‘You could always come in with me.’ He grins at me in the devilish way of his and I feel myself sliding out of bed automatically, zero resistance when that body is the reward. Heart doing a little merry dance and lady parts limbering up in anticipation.
All it took was several times of letting him loose on me, although actual sex only happened twice… The rest was definitely him showcasing his skills, and I have a feeling things are going to be looking up after this. I didn’t freak out once, didn’t go back into memory or fight him off, didn’t have bad dreams or any anxiety attacks, and didn’t feel any after effects; except a seriously bad craving for more of his attentions and he has decidedly created a monster.
I saunter across towards him, completely unashamed about being naked as his eyes scan me unapologetically, reaching out to grab my wrist he hauls me into the bathroom as I squeal at the speed he yanks me to him.
* * *
‘I miss you like crazy xx A’
I stare at the text and sigh, he’s only been gone since yesterday and already it feels like agony worse than hell. I stayed at his apartment last night and slept in the bed alone and hated every second of it. I hate him not being there and after school today I am going back to mine, to at least try and get through the next six days with only texts, calls and skype to get me through not seeing him.
‘Earth calling Sopheee.’ Christian nudges me and I ‘shhhh’ him as people in the auditorium turn to look our way. We are in a lecture on the history of the jean and completely bored with the onscreen ‘jeans through the ages’ crap we have been subjected to for the last hour. Christian rolls his eyes at me and then pokes Jenny in the back of the head. She is sat in front and just throws him back a haughty glare and slaps her notebook on his leg.
‘I miss you too. I hated staying there last night without you xxx S’
I text him back then push Christian’s face away as I catch him reading over my shoulder.
‘You two are so cute it’s actually sickening.’ He prods me in the cheek and I just sigh at him, pushing my phone under my notebook on my lap and go back to sketching the dress I have been doodling while listening to the video drone on about the denim industry. The auditorium is in semi darkness and packed with a couple of hundred students, none of whom seem to be watching this darn thing.
‘Jealous much darling?’ I smirk at him and see his narrow his eyes my way. Jumping as my phone vibrates on my lap and I fish for it with an instant smile, unable to think about anything much in the last day except Arrick, his very fit, naked body, and those hours of knowing exactly what sex could be like. I literally dreamed about that tongue and what it did to me. I think I have a serious addiction and am counting the minutes until he gets home and does it all again. I squeeze my knees together just even thinking about it and feel my cheeks heat with the realisation I am getting crazily horny.
New for me.
‘I will be back in bed with you soon enough beautiful. Keep it warm for me. X A’
I grin at his message, running my finger over his name and sigh a little heavily.
‘Text back with something kinky if you really want his head on you for the rest of the week.’ Christian interjects, pushing his face between me and my phone and I resist the urge to punch him in the head.
‘Shut up and stop reading my messages.’ I push his face away again and this time he grabs the phone from me, scanning back over all this mornings and last night’s texts and smiling at me.
‘He really is one smitten puppy isn’t he…Yet seems he is too gentlemanly to start with the sexting, clearly wants it though.’ He raises a brow and turns further away as I attempt to snatch it back. He has no right to be reading all our messages, even if there is now a few hundred.
‘Fuck off, you have no idea what he wants.’ I haul my phone back and glare at him, but he only grins harder.
‘I am a man…Gay or not, we all have pretty similar minds when it comes to sex. Arry dear is no different and would probably like you a whole lot more if you added a little sexual tension to your messages. Imagine the reunion if all he thinks about for the next week is fucking you.’ He winks at me and this time I just stare at him deadpan.
‘He’s not like that.’ I murmur, refusing to believe he would turn into a basic slut and only be consumed by sex above all, even though it’s what I have been fantasising about since he left.
‘We are all like that… You will thank me for it, wind him up…Flirt with your boyfriend. If he doesn’t play, then stop with the sexy chat and go back to the lovey dovey crap………Trust me.’ Christian waves an airy hand my way, pretending he no
longer cares.
I stare at my phone pondering it for a moment, in two minds about whether I should ever listen to Christian or not. I feel Jenny’s eyes on me and lower my phone to see her looking back at me.
‘He’s right you know… Sexting your man makes him crazy horny for you and when he gets back he will literally bang you in the doorway.’ She giggles and turns away with a knowing nod to take notes on the in-depth way to double seam denim.
‘Talking of men, what happened with Nate on Saturday night?’ I lean forward whispering to her and she waves a hand at me. I haven’t seen her until she walked in here late this morning and we haven’t had a minute alone to even find out. I was obviously a little preoccupied ever since that night.
‘I’ll tell you later.’ She turns back to watch the video, no real emotion to her tone, so I sit back to stare at my phone again, taking a deep breath. Thinking through what I should say before I send him another text. I know he’s at some media promo crap to do with his fight in five days, some live stream interview thing that has him waiting around for a couple of hours and will reply.
‘I’ll be waiting for you naked and keeping every part of me, and the bed, very warm. X S’
I have never sexted anyone before, I have no clue how to even talk dirty, let alone type it and send it off to him; hoping he doesn’t think I’m being weird. We haven’t really gotten to teasing each other overly sexually either, so this is all new to me.
I stare at the phone for what feels like an eternity before looking up to see the tutor has changed the video to another dreary fashion through the years piece of crap that serves no real educational purpose, my phone vibrates, and I almost drop it in fright.
‘Jumpy…Someone’s feeling guilty.’ Christian smirks my way and I just toss him a frown and open my message.
The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie Page 29