Only Her

by Allie Everhart

  “William is coming?” Grace asks.

  “Yes. We have some things to discuss.”

  “Good.” She sips her iced tea. “It will be nice to see him again.”

  She knows he’s not coming for a family visit. She knows it has to do with my mom and the organization, but she doesn’t mention it. None of us do. The organization is a taboo topic that is never discussed openly.

  “Should we eat?” Jade stands up and picks up the stack of plates sitting in front of her. She passes them out to everyone. “Feel free to start serving yourselves.”

  My dad tries to pull Abi off him but she won’t budge.

  “No, Papa!” She holds onto him even tighter.

  “I’ll get her.” Jade attempts to peel Abi off him but Abi starts crying. “Sorry. She just misses you.”

  “It’s fine,” my dad says. “She can sit on my lap.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I don’t mind.” He kisses Abi’s cheek. “I guess Grandpa needs to see you more often.”

  “She would love that,” Jade says as she sits down again. “We all would.”

  As soon as she says it, I almost let it slip that my parents are moving here, but then catch myself before I do. I’m not confident they’ll move here, or if they do, I’m guessing it won’t be for a while. Like my dad said, they have a lot to figure out before they can settle back into a regular life.

  We all serve ourselves, except for my dad. He’s unable to reach the food with Abi on his lap, so my mom dishes up a plate for him. She didn’t even ask. She just did it and he didn’t act surprised. It’s like they’re a married couple again.

  “Those flowers are gorgeous.” My mom points to the vase in the center of the table.

  “Thank you,” Grace says. “Those yellow ones are a new variety I’m trying. You’ll have to stop over and see my flower gardens.”

  “I’d love to. And I’d love to see the ones at your house in Santa Barbara. That house is beautiful. It reminds of an English cottage with the stonework and the flowers all around it.”

  Grace smiles. “You’re welcome to stay there anytime you’d like. Garret has a key if I’m not around and you want to use it.”

  “That’s very generous of you. Thank you for offering.”

  “Are you guys staying at the hotel again tonight?” I ask.

  My dad looks at my mom. “It’s up to you, sweetheart.”

  Sweetheart. He always used to call her that.

  “Yes, we’ll be staying there another night.” She smiles at my dad as she says it.

  He smiles back. “Just plan on us staying there the rest of the week.”

  Jade nudges my foot under the table. I almost laugh. I think she actually believes my mom’s going to get pregnant.

  “Mama.” Abi’s pointing to Jade’s plate. She has watermelon on there and Abi loves watermelon.

  “You can have some but I have to make sure there aren’t any seeds.” Jade starts cutting through a piece, searching for seeds. We buy seedless but sometimes you still find a few.

  Abi goes back to picking food off my dad’s plate. They’re sharing a plate but he’s mostly just eating the sandwich my mom made him while Abi eats whatever she can pick up with her fingers.

  Watching her sitting on my dad’s lap eating her lunch makes me think how great it would be if my parents really did live close by. I’d love to have my kids grow up seeing their grandparents all the time.

  “When do I get to see Abigail swim?” my mom asks me.

  “We can take her in the pool after her nap. Did you bring a suit?”

  “No, I don’t have one.” My mom sips her iced tea.

  My dad looks at her. “That reminds me. I need to call someone about getting you more clothes. Did you want to make a list of items or should I just have the shopper send things over?”

  My mom glances around the table at us. I think she’s embarrassed that he’s bringing this up now. “It’s fine. I don’t need anything.”

  “I’ll have some items delivered to the hotel,” he says, then goes back to eating his meal. My dad is a take-charge person. If he thinks she needs clothes, he’ll get her clothes. It doesn’t matter if she wears them or not. He’ll still get them.

  “So when did you teach Garret how to swim?” Jade asks my mom.

  “I had him in the water when he was just an infant. By the time he was a year old, he was swimming on his own. And when he was five, they had a swimming competition at the Y and Garret won for his age division. It was his first competition.”

  “I don’t know how I won,” I say. “I wasn’t very good back then. But I did really well in high school,” I tell my mom. “Jade made me a scrapbook of all my wins. I can show it to you later.”

  “Garret was the best swimmer at the school,” my dad says. “He was the fastest one there. Even set some records.”

  My mom’s smile drops to a frown. “And I missed it. I know your father was there, but I wish I could’ve been there too.”

  My dad glances at me, reminding me not to tell her what a shitty father he used to be and how he never went to my swim meets.

  “I was also on the football team,” I say. “Dad can show you some pictures.”

  My dad didn’t go to my football games either, but I want to make it sound like he did. He doesn’t actually have photos from the games, but I can give him some if she asks to see them.

  “What position did you play?”

  “I was quarterback. I also played baseball, basketball, soccer, lacrosse. Pretty much every sport.”

  “He was quite the athlete,” my dad says. “He swam in college too.”

  “Yes, he told me.” My mom’s beaming. If only she’d been able to see me compete. She would’ve been at every swim meet, cheering me on. Jade went to my meets in college, but in high school, I had no one there, except sometimes Charles, but Katherine used to yell at him for leaving during work hours so he wasn’t able to go to many of my meets.

  We finish lunch and Jade brings out a plate of cookies and brownies for dessert. Abi has made herself comfortable, cradled in my dad’s arm, lying on her side and hugging his chest and looking like she’s about to fall asleep. My dad’s other arm is around my mom’s chair and the two of them keep glancing at each other like they can’t wait to be alone.

  I try not to think about that, but it’s good they’re together like that again. It proves they’re still in love after all these years. They’re happy. And so am I.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  25

  RACHEL

  “Can I hold her?” I ask Pearce.

  “She’s all yours.” He goes to hand her to me but she grips his shirt and fusses in protest. He kisses her head. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here.”

  She still fusses as I take her from him. She loves her grandpa, probably because he looks just like Garret.

  “I should put her down for her nap,” Jade says as Abigail yawns.

  “Can I do it?” I ask.

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I want to. I love babies, and I especially love this one.” I kiss Abi’s cheek.

  “Okay. I’ll go with you.”

  We get up and go inside and down to Abi’s room. It’s pink and white. Very girly and sweet. If I’d had more children, I would’ve loved to have a girl. But now I have a granddaughter, which is just as good.

  “I think she needs to be changed,” I say. “Do you mind if I do it?”

  “No, go ahead. Everything’s on the changing table. Thanks for helping out like this.”

  “I love doing it. If anything, I need to thank you for taking such good care of my son. I can see how happy he is and how much he loves you.” I set Abigail down on the changing table and get to work on her diaper. “After I left, I worried about Garret being raised by his father. When I first met Pearce, he wasn’t in a good place. He worked all the time and was very detached and had a hard time showing emotion. Part of me feared he’d g
o back to being like that after I left.”

  Jade’s quiet as she watches me take care of Abi, who’s now smiling and giggling as I tickle her tummy.

  “We’re all done.” I pick her up and kiss her. “You’re such a happy baby.”

  “So, um, what happens now?” Jade asks.

  I turn to her, holding Abigail on my hip. “What do you mean?”

  She hesitates. “I mean, are you going to stay here in California?”

  Jade has a worried look on her face. But why? Is she worried I’m putting her family at risk by being here? Because I hope she knows I would never do that. I feel like I need to make that clear.

  “I’m not sure yet, but Jade, whatever I do, I promise you I won’t put you or your family at risk. If I even think that’s a possibility, I’ll leave. I’ll go—”

  “No,” she interrupts, her voice urgent. “You can’t do that.” She takes Abi from me and storms out of the room.

  What just happened here? Why is she so upset?

  “Jade, wait.” I follow her down the hall. “Is something wrong? Did I do something?”

  She whips around, tears running down her face. “You can’t do that again! I know you felt like you had to before, but this time is different and you can’t do that to Garret again. Or to Pearce.”

  “No, that’s not what I—”

  “Do you have any idea what they went through after you left?” She holds Abi closer, pressing her head against her shoulder as she continues. “Pearce completely shut down. He stopped being a father. He ignored Garret and barely talked to him. And Pearce refused to talk about you. He told Garret he destroyed all the photos of you. He wouldn’t even let Garret say your name. Then he married Katherine and it got even worse. He sent Garret to boarding school in England, but Garret hated it and ended up getting sent home. Pearce never went to his swim meets or his football games. He didn’t do anything with Garret. And Katherine was horrible to him. So Garret drank. He drank almost every night. It was the only way he could deal with losing you and losing his dad. And that’s all because you left.”

  She’s still crying and now so am I. “Why didn’t Garret tell me this?”

  “Because he didn’t want you to know. He says it’s the past and it doesn’t matter. But it DOES matter. You need to know what he went through.” She wipes her cheek. “I know you said you had no choice but to leave years ago, but now you do have a choice. You don’t have to leave.” She sniffles. “You can’t. Garret can’t handle losing you again. Pearce can’t either. And I can’t handle seeing both of them hurt that way.”

  “Jade, you don’t understand.”

  “Then tell me so I do understand. Why would you even think about leaving again? Pearce will take care of anyone who threatens you or tries to come after you. I promise you, he will. And William will protect you. He’ll protect all of us. So please, don’t leave again. You’ll ruin everything if you do.”

  She turns and hurries down the hall toward the master bedroom.

  “Jade,” I call after her, but she’s already in the room, the door closed behind her.

  She didn’t let me explain what I meant. I wasn’t telling her I was leaving. I was just trying to reassure her that her family would be safe. That I would hide out somewhere if I needed to in order to protect her family from being harmed. But I’d tell Garret where I was staying. I wouldn’t just leave. I should go talk to Jade and explain what I meant, but I think she’s too upset right now. And so am I, not with Jade, but with what she told me about Pearce.

  Did he really abandon Garret like that after I left? Did he really send him to boarding school? Not go to his swim meets? His football games? Jade wouldn’t just say that, which means it must be true.

  My anger swells and rises to the surface as I storm out to the patio. Grace has gone back to her house and Pearce and Garret are at the table, talking.

  Pearce stands up. “Hello, sweetheart. Did you get Abigail to sleep?”

  I go over and stand right in front of him. “How could you do that to him?”

  “Do what?” Pearce notices my tears. “Rachel, what’s wrong?”

  “How could you just abandon our son when he needed you? How could you do that to him?”

  Garret gets up from his chair. “Mom, it’s not—”

  “Who told you this?” Pearce holds my shoulders.

  “Jade. She said you ignored Garret all those years. That you wouldn’t let him even talk about me. That you sent him away to boarding school. That you weren’t even involved in his life. And that he drank because he didn’t know how else to deal with the fact that you just abandoned him like that.”

  “Rachel, please let me explain.”

  I shove his hands off me. “Did you do that or not? Tell me!”

  Pearce looks at Garret, then back at me. He sighs. “Yes.”

  “How could you! He’s your son! I trusted you to take care of him! And you didn’t! Instead you became just like your father. Is that what you wanted for Garret? For him to grow up like you did? With a father like Holton? Is that what you wanted for our son?”

  He’s quiet, his eyes on the ground.

  “Answer me!”

  His eyes jump back to mine. “No! Of course not! It’s not at all what I wanted. It was wrong of me to act that way. I just didn’t know how else to act. When you died I—”

  “That’s not an excuse! You don’t get to use my death as a reason to treat our son that way!”

  Garret comes over to us. “Mom, it’s okay. It was a long time ago and I’m fine now. I don’t drink anymore and Dad and I get along great. He’s a good father now.”

  “It’s not okay.” I hug him. “I’m so sorry, Garret. I’m sorry he did that to you. I’m sorry I left. I never should’ve done it. If I’d known your father was going to treat you that way, I would’ve found another way.”

  “Mom, that wasn’t the answer. You had to leave to protect yourself, and to protect us. Don’t feel guilty about that. And don’t blame Dad for what he did. He was grieving and it took him a long time to get over what happened.”

  Pearce takes a step back, putting some distance between us. “She’s right, Garret. There’s no excuse for how I treated you. I never wanted to be like my father, and yet for some reason, I became him. I treated you like he treated me, and it was wrong. Rachel, I can’t go back and change the past. If I could, I would do it all differently.”

  I swallow hard and wipe the tears from my face.

  “Garret.” Pearce nudges him, his eyes on me.

  Garret nods and goes back inside so Pearce and I can talk. But I don’t know if I want to talk to him right now. I’m so angry. Beyond furious.

  “I don’t even know what to say to you,” I tell him. “Other than how disappointed I am.”

  He collapses into one of the patio chairs and leans over, his forearms on his knees, his head dropped down. “I’m sorry, Rachel. I know that doesn’t change anything or make this any better, but I truly am sorry. I beat myself up every day for how I treated Garret and I’ve apologized to him repeatedly. He says he’s forgiven me, but it doesn’t take away the pain and the guilt I feel over not being there for him after you left.”

  “Why did you do it?” I sit next to him. “Explain to me why you did that to him.”

  “I can’t give you a reason that will justify my actions or make this any easier for you to accept. I shouldn’t have done it. It was a mistake and it was wrong and I know that. I take full responsibility. I’m not going to make excuses for my behavior. I’m his father and he needed me and I wasn’t there for him.” Pearce rubs his hand over his face. “And I can’t even begin to tell you how much I regret that.”

  “Did you really send our son to boarding school? In a different country?”

  “Yes.” He keeps his eyes on the ground. “It was Katherine’s idea. She wouldn’t stop fighting with Garret so I agreed to send him to boarding school because I thought it might be better if he were far away from her. But it was a
mistake. I never should’ve agreed to it.”

  “How old was he and how long was he there?”

  “He was 13 and he was there for just a few weeks. He set his room on fire and they sent him home. After that, he went to Tolshire Academy, which he’s already told you about. It’s an excellent school and they have a very good swimming program.”

  “But you didn’t go to his swim meets.”

  “I went to a few.”

  “How many?”

  He sits up. “Rachel, I think it’s best if we don’t relive all of this. It’ll just upset you and you’re already very upset.”

  “Tell me. How many of his meets did you go to?”

  He sighs. “I don’t remember the exact number. I’m guessing maybe four or five.”

  “Four or five? That’s it?” Tears fall as I think of my son swimming his heart out with no one in the stands, cheering him on. No one supporting him. “And you didn’t go to his football games? His baseball games? Basketball games?”

  “Rachel.” He reaches for me.

  I push him away. “Answer me.”

  “I went to some of his football games. Garret was very good at football. And basketball. He was good at all the sports he played.”

  “How would you know? You didn’t even see him play.”

  “I went to a few games, just not all of them.”

  “Why? Where were you? What were you doing all that time?”

  “I was at the office. Or traveling for work. I didn’t spend much time at home. Part of the reason for that was Katherine. She and I fought constantly. The second I got home, she’d start a fight, usually about Garret and how he did something she didn’t approve of and how she wanted me to punish him.”

  My blood boils as I think of that horrible woman living with my son, trying to pretend she’s his mother.

  “You didn’t do what she said, did you?”

  “No, which made us fight even more. It got to the point that I avoided coming home. I didn’t want to be around her.”

  “But you left Garret there with her.”

  “Garret wasn’t home much either. He was out with his friends or he’d go to the gym at his school and lift weights or play basketball. And he spent a lot of time at the pool. I built him both an indoor and an outdoor pool at the house but he didn’t use them much. He didn’t want to be home with Katherine there.”