Only Her

by Allie Everhart

  “When did he start drinking?”

  Pearce sighs. “I’m not sure. Maybe 14.”

  “You don’t know? How could you not know this?”

  “He hid it from me. He’d go out with his friends and drink and come home late and I just didn’t know.”

  “As his father, it’s your job to know. He should’ve had a curfew. At 14, you should’ve known where he was and what he was doing.”

  Pearce doesn’t respond. I can tell he feels terrible about this, but it doesn’t make me any less angry. He still did it, and Garret suffered because of it.

  “Pearce, how could you do that to him? How could you just abandon our son like that? You were such a good father before. What happened?”

  “Like Garret said, I couldn’t handle the grief I felt over losing you. And the guilt I felt, thinking what happened to you was all my fault. I tried to be a father to him. I really did. A few months after you left, I had Garret go to counseling and I started spending more time with him, and things were getting better for both of us. But then I was forced to marry Katherine and it all went to hell. Years went by and things kept getting worse. I wasn’t just a bad father to Garret. I was a bad father to Lilly too. Both my children suffered and I deeply regret it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this, Pearce? We spent yesterday and last night together. You had plenty of opportunities to tell me this.”

  “I didn’t want to tell you. It’s the past and it’s over and I’m not the same man anymore. When Garret was a freshman in college, I went to counseling to try to figure out what had happened to me and how I could repair my relationship with Garret. And I’ve done that, Rachel. Garret and I have a good relationship now. We’re closer now than we’ve ever been.”

  We sit there in silence. I’m not sure what else to say to him. I’m confused about how I feel right now. I love Pearce, but I also love our son, and to think that Pearce wasn’t a father to him for almost ten years hurts me and makes me so angry that I feel it’s probably best if I don’t talk to Pearce until I’ve calmed down. So we remain there, sitting in silence.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  26

  GARRET

  Jade is in Abi’s room, so I wait for her to come out. I don’t know why she told my mom all that stuff. She had to have known how upset it would make her.

  “She’s asleep,” Jade whispers as she closes the door. “I was just checking on her.”

  “I need to talk to you.” I take her hand and lead her down to our bedroom and shut the door. “Jade, what the hell were you thinking telling my mom all that shit about my dad and me?”

  “I had to. She had to know what you went through.”

  “No. She didn’t. She didn’t need to know any of that. Now she’s out there crying and upset and yelling at my dad for acting that way all those years. Why the hell did you tell her that?”

  “Because I’m worried she might leave again. She said if she thinks we’re at risk, she’ll leave. She can’t do that, Garret. After what you and your dad went through the last time she left, I can’t let her do it again. So I told her what happened because she needs to know the damage she’ll cause when she leaves again.”

  “She’s not leaving! She never said that!”

  “Why are you yelling at me? I was just trying to help.” Jade’s crying. She normally wouldn’t cry over something like this, but she’s been an emotional mess for weeks now because of the pregnancy hormones and every little thing makes her cry. Now I feel bad for raising my voice.

  “I’m sorry, Jade.” I take her in my arms. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just didn’t want my mom to know all that stuff. It’ll just make her feel bad and make her angry at my dad.”

  “You’re right. I shouldn’t have told her. I guess I just panicked. I’m so worried about you and your dad. I don’t want you getting hurt again.”

  “You don’t need to worry about that. My mom isn’t leaving, and if she had to go into hiding for a short time, she’d tell us where she’s going.”

  “You should go talk to her. Or I can. I need to apologize to her. I was yelling at her and then I ran off.” She sniffles and her shoulders slump. “I’m such a mess right now. You should keep me away from people until this baby comes.”

  I smile. “I think that’s a little extreme.” I wipe her wet cheek with my thumb. “I know you were just trying to help. But next time, maybe just talk to me first.”

  She nods.

  “I love you.” I kiss her. “I’m gonna go talk to my mom.”

  When I get out to the patio, I see my parents sitting next to each other, both looking down and not talking. That can’t be good.

  “Hey,” I say, making them both look up. “Can I talk to Mom for a minute?” I ask my dad. His face is filled with pain and regret. He didn’t want my mom to know this, and I didn’t either, but now it’s too late.

  He gets up. “I’ll be inside.”

  I wait until he’s gone, then sit down, turning my chair so that I’m facing my mom. She still looks angry and hurt and confused.

  “Mom, don’t be mad at Dad. He didn’t mean to be that way. He just couldn’t handle losing you. He did the best he could given the circumstances.”

  “That’s the best he could do? Pretend you didn’t exist?”

  “He didn’t exactly have the best example of how a parent should act. And after you left, Grandfather was even worse to Dad. He made him take over the company. He made him marry Katherine. His life pretty much sucked. And he missed you. He missed you so bad, Mom. I was the only thing left from his old life and I was a constant reminder of you and he couldn’t handle it.”

  “Don’t make excuses for him, Garret. He’s a grown man. He knew what he was doing.”

  “I don’t know that he did. I seriously don’t. He was so out of it. It was like he was walking around in a fog. Those months after you left, he didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep, and sometimes I’d hear him crying in his room.”

  She closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. I know it hurts her to hear this, but she needs to know what my dad went through, not just what I went through. My dad suffered just as much, if not more, than I did.

  “He tried to be there for me. He’d come home after work and we’d have dinner, but it’s like we were both in our own worlds. We didn’t know what to say to each other. We couldn’t connect. We were both lost, struggling to go on without you.”

  “Your father needed to be strong for you. That’s his job as your parent.”

  “Yes, but it’s hard to be strong when you’re drowning in grief. I didn’t understand it when I was younger, but now that I’m older, and married, I understand where Dad was coming from. He lost his wife. His best friend. His soulmate. That’s not something you can just get over. I can’t imagine what a mess I would be if I lost Jade.”

  “Was he ever a father to you during those years?”

  “He was always a father to me. Just because he was gone a lot didn’t mean he wasn’t a father. And honestly, I think he would’ve been a great father if he hadn’t been forced to marry Katherine. Before that happened, Dad and I were getting along better. Things were starting to improve, but then Katherine came along and ruined everything. She made our lives hell. But Dad always stood up for me whenever Katherine would try to turn him against me.”

  She’s quiet and I give her a moment to think about what I said.

  After a while, she softly asks, “When did you start drinking?”

  “When I was 14, but don’t blame Dad for that. That was my fault, not his. Dad would always ask where I’m going and when I’d be home, like any parent would. He just thought I was out with my friends. He didn’t know I was drinking. I hid it from him.”

  “But you kept drinking.”

  I didn’t want her to know this. Dammit. How much did Jade tell her?

  “Yeah. I kept drinking. As I got older it got worse. Dad caught me a few times and I got in trouble for it, so it’s not like he didn’t try
to stop me.” It’s not entirely true. Sometimes he ignored my drinking, but my mom doesn’t need to know that. “Mom, I wasn’t a perfect kid. I was kind of out-of-control in high school and nothing Dad could’ve done would’ve changed that.”

  “You wouldn’t have been that way if your father had been there for you after I left.”

  “No, that’s not true. Dad was only part of the problem. Katherine was a bigger problem. Living with her was hell, so I tried to never be home, which meant I was always at someone else’s house and we usually ended up drinking.”

  She reaches for my hand. “Honey, why were you drinking so much? Just because you could? Or because you thought it was fun?”

  “That was part of it, but I also drank because I didn’t want to feel anything. Back then I was always so angry and…sad.”

  “Because of how your father was treating you?”

  “That was part of it, but I was also angry about how my life had turned out. I was angry about the plane crash. I was angry that it changed our lives. And I was sad that you were gone. I never really got over your death. I went to counseling, and it helped, but there was still this part of me that couldn’t get past it.”

  She squeezes my hand, tears running down her face. “Honey, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to put you through that.”

  “I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying you can’t put all the blame on Dad. He wasn’t that bad of a father. In fact, when I look back at those years, and consider what he was going through, I’m surprised Dad did as well as he did. I mean, he had just lost his wife and then was forced to take over the company. A company he didn’t even want. Then he had to marry a woman he didn’t like, or more like hated. And he had to deal with Grandfather, who treated him horribly. And if that wasn’t enough, he had the organization ordering him to do things he didn’t want to do.”

  She nods, tears now pouring from her eyes.

  I rub her arm. “Mom, what is it? What’s wrong?”

  “You’re right. I can’t put all the blame on your father. So much of this was my fault. If I hadn’t left…if I’d gone back to your father after the crash…things would’ve been different. He wouldn’t have married Katherine and—”

  “Mom, don’t. Don’t try to go back and imagine how things might have been different if you’d made a different choice. Believe me, I’ve done that and it doesn’t help. What’s important is the here and now, and right now, you’re back with us and back with Dad and he loves you more than anything. And I know you love him.”

  She nods and wipes her eyes.

  “I don’t know if Dad told you, but he went to counseling back when I was a freshman in college. I was shocked when he told me he did that. You know Dad. He’s all about being in control and being strong and doing things without any help, so for him to seek out a counselor and actually go to the sessions is a huge deal. It just shows how committed he was to being a better father. And ever since then, he’s been a great dad. He’s done a lot for me. He kept me out of the organization. He’s the reason I’m not a member. He put himself at risk to do that, but he saved me. They had plans for me. Big plans. But Dad got me out of it. If he hadn’t, my life would be totally different. I wouldn’t be with Jade. I wouldn’t have Abigail.” I put my hand over hers. “So, please, Mom. Don’t be mad at him about the past. It’s over. And I swear to you, he’s changed. I couldn’t ask for a better dad.”

  “I’m sorry to interrupt.” It’s Jade. She’s standing at the door to the patio. “Can I come out for a minute?”

  “Yeah.” I pull a chair over so she can sit.

  But she stands instead. “I won’t stay long. I just wanted to say I’m really sorry, Rachel. I didn’t mean to yell at you and I’m really sorry for saying those things to you. I overreacted and butted in when I shouldn’t have, so again, I’m really sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” my mom says. “I think it’s good we got all this out in the open.”

  “I hope you’re not mad at Pearce. If you are, please don’t be. I’m sure Garret already told you this, but I need to say it too. Pearce is a great dad, to both Garret and me. Even though I’m not his real daughter, he treats me like I am. He’s done so much for me. And if he’d never given me that scholarship years ago, I never would’ve met Garret. I might not have even gone to college. Anyway, I just want you to know that Pearce is a really good person and I hope that what I said doesn’t change how you feel about him.”

  My mom looks down. I can’t tell if she’s sad or confused or what she’s feeling.

  “Where’d he go?” I ask Jade. “Have you seen him?”

  “He’s in the living room with Abi. She just woke up. He’s going to leave soon to go back to the hotel.”

  My mom looks up at Jade. “Why is he leaving?”

  “He thinks you’d be more comfortable if he wasn’t around. He said he’d bring your suitcase over later.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  “Mom.” I wait for her to look at me. “He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want to be apart from you. He’s only doing this because he thinks it’s what you want. If it’s not, then go tell him that.”

  Her eyes go back to Jade. “Did you say he’s in the living room?”

  “Yeah. With Abi. I can go get her if—”

  “No, she’s fine.” My mom stands up. “I’ll go talk to him.”

  She leaves, and Jade sits in the chair next to me. “I’m sorry, Garret. I messed everything up.”

  I hold her hand. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll work out.”

  “Do you really think so?”

  “Yeah.” But the truth is, I don’t know. My mom is really upset and really mad at my dad.

  I hope she can get past this. I really want my parents to be together again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  27

  RACHEL

  I walk in the living room, but stop when I hear Pearce talking to Abigail. He’s on the couch with his back to me so didn’t see me walk in. Abigail is on his lap and he’s reading her a book.

  “And then the little dog, who finally had a home, went up to the little girl and said ‘woof!’” He says ‘woof’ like a dog and Abigail laughs and claps her hands. “Show Grandpa where the dog is.” She points to a spot on the book. “Very good.” He kisses the top of her head.

  He closes the book, but she opens it again. “Papa.” She points to a page.

  “We’ll read it again later. Your mother will be back soon and then I need to go.”

  He sets the book down and she turns around and hugs him. He hugs her back. Watching them together is so sweet it almost makes me cry. He’s a good grandpa. And a good father. I may always be angry about how Pearce treated Garret when I was away, but like Garret said, that’s the past and what matters is now.

  I walk up behind Pearce. “Pearce, can we talk?”

  He turns back and sees me. “Yes, of course. I didn’t hear you come in.”

  I go around the couch and sit next to him. Abigail is resting on his shoulder.

  “You don’t need to leave,” I tell him.

  “I just assumed you’d be more comfortable if—”

  “No. I don’t want to argue about this anymore, or even talk about it. Although I’m not happy about what happened, it’s the past and I can see what a good father you are now.” I hold Abi’s tiny hand. “And a good grandfather.”

  “Rachel, I need you to know that I deeply regret how I acted all those years. If I could go back and change it, I would. Believe me, I would do anything to change it. I love Garret, and I never wanted to treat him that way. I was just at a bad place back then. I know that’s not an excuse but—”

  “You don’t have to explain.” I put my hand on his arm. “Let’s just put this behind us.”

  Abigail babbles to herself and he glances down at her. “Would you like to hold your granddaughter?”

  “I would, but I don’t think she’ll let you go.”

  “Abigail,” he says very seriously. She p
ops her head up and looks at him. “I would like for you to sit with your grandmother.” He points to me and her eyes follow his hand. “Can you do that for Grandpa?”

  Her eyes dart from him to me, like she’s not sure. But then she reaches for me. I take her and she hugs me.

  “You’re so sweet,” I tell her, “and you give the nicest hugs.”

  Pearce smiles. “She’s getting used to you. Give her another day and she’ll lose all interest in me.”

  “I don’t think so. She seems to have a special bond with you.”

  “Oh, I heard from the shopper. Some clothes were delivered for you. They’re at the hotel. Would you like me to go get them?”

  “But we’re staying at the hotel. Why would you bring them here?”

  He smiles even wider. “Yes. You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I’m just tired. Someone didn’t let me get much sleep last night.”

  “Hey!” I laugh. “I think that was a mutual decision. But I’ll be sure and let you sleep tonight.”

  “I have no interest in sleeping.” He leans over and gives me a kiss.

  I hear someone clearing their throat. I look back and see Jade and Garret standing there.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” Garret says, “but um…you guys probably shouldn’t do that in front of an innocent child.”

  “Garret!” Jade elbows him, then says to me, “Ignore him.”

  He laughs. “I’m just kidding. Feel free to continue.”

  I turn more so I can see him. “Remember when you were little and your father and I would kiss? You’d always cover your eyes and tell us to stop.”

  “Yeah, I remember. But it didn’t stop you. You guys used to kiss all the time.”

  I smile at Pearce. “I couldn’t help myself. It’s what you do when you’re in love. You kiss.”

  He smiles back. “Which is why we’re still doing it.”

  From the side of my eye, I see Jade and Garret smiling at each other.