How To Get Your Heart Broken

by Rose Fall

  think off was how badly I wanted to kiss him, and how I would have shut my mouth and squeezed into a damn cat woman outfit if that was what it took.

  Ashton and Julian were already making out in the living room and I couldn’t help fantasizing about hot gluing their faces together. I already knew that mine and Jessie’s conversation was going to end differently. He looked as if he’d seen a ghost. I continued to stand there dumbly, waiting for some sort of response. I began to fear that I was not going to get any indication that what stood in front of me wasn’t simply a marble statue created in the liking of Jessie.

  I stepped out of the doorframe, taking a few steps closer towards him, and letting out a small sigh of relief when I received a reaction. He said nothing, he hadn’t even moved, but there was apparent conflict in his eyes. I could tell he was just as unsure of what he wanted to do as I was; I found myself unable to tell whether he wanted to slap me or kiss me.

  “I wish we could just start over‒”

  “Pretend none of this ever happened? What planet do you live on? You can’t just hit the replay button every time something bad happens. It doesn’t work that way! Believe me, if I could go back I would make sure none of this ever happened, I’d make sure I’d never met you. But I can’t, and I’m not going to pretend.”

  I tried to avoid the sting his words caused, but I couldn’t.

  “Then why are you here?” I asked angrily.

  “Because I wanted to tell you how much I hate you. I wanted to hurt you back.” His voice was calm, matter-of-fact. I wanted him to yell. I hoped that if he let the anger out, then…

  I shook my head. Those thoughts were futile.

  I sighed, “If it makes you feel better…” It was the only thing I could give him.

  “It doesn’t. And don’t pretend you care about my feelings now.”

  “How can you say that I don’t?” I breathed, my voice sounding shakier than I wanted it to.

  “Go to hell.”

  I reached out, placing a hand on his upper arm.

  “Hey…”

  “Don’t touch me,” he said with an edge I didn’t recognize. It was almost as if it someone else was speaking.

  Still, he didn’t pull away and I didn’t let go.

  Instead, he stood frozen, staring at me as if he didn’t know how to do anything else. I couldn’t focus; it was like all the world’s blue had originated from his eyes. It was all there, the color of midnight, the sky, the ocean, and blue raspberry lollipops. Why had I spent so much time pretending they weren’t remarkable?

  I spoke slowly, “Jessie, I’m so sorry‒”

  “I’m not doing this,” he said suddenly, backing away as if I was something dangerous. “I can’t.”

  Then he was gone.

  Panic struck me, the pang in my heart accompanied by a sudden stroke of nausea that left me wanting to abandon my entire body, to leave this place and somehow go back, to somehow undo everything I’d done wrong and all the ways I’d hurt him, so he wouldn’t do the same to me. I got the feeling that none of it was going to be okay and that I wasn’t going to be fine. Life without Jessie suddenly seemed like the worst case scenario and this time there was no containing the tears. I suddenly felt infinitely hollow.

  “I can’t,” he’d said. The words continued to play in my head like a broken record. I hadn’t ever imagined they would torture me so.

  Everything You Think You Know

  “Remember that day you came into my room and asked me what I was working on, and I gave you a sarcastic answer?”

  My eyes narrowed. I vaguely remembered that conversation; it was the first time she tried to call the bet off.

  “Sure,” I said, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

  “I want to show you something. It has nothing to do with your drama, or Ashton’s, it’s about me. It’s just something I’ve been working on for a while and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to show you, or anyone…”

  My eyes widened, “Where is this going?”

  “Follow me,” Rachel said with a deep breath.

  I rose quickly, curiosity filling me, the first time in too long I’d felt something besides sadness and regret. Rachel led me into her room and opened her laptop. She sat at the edge of her bed and motioned for me to sit in her desk chair. As she pulled open a file, panic struck inside a small part of me, because I had no idea what she was going to show me, and I couldn’t help but assume it was bad. So I was beyond surprised when the program finally loaded. Rachel pulled up a video and as she pressed play, I saw animated versions of me, her, and Ashton walking towards a car.

  I gasped and turned to her. Of all the things…

  “Just watch,” she said impatiently, swiveling my chair back in the direction of her laptop.

  Our animated versions got into a little animated car, a red bug. “Rachel” was in the driver’s seat. She turned on the car, the radio, and then started driving. I recognized the song playing as Bruno Mars’ “Count on Me.” Animated Eli was slowly bobbing her head side to side as we drove down a wide, empty road surrounded by trees on either side.

  Suddenly, we arrived at a house that was smaller than the beach house, but painted the same peculiar shade of blue. In the midst of the chorus, animated Rachel turned off the radio and we all got out of the car. Music was replaced by sound effects as we shut our car doors. The screen went black as we all walked towards the house.

  I blinked back into reality. Rachel was silent, and I realized she was waiting for my reaction.

  “What did I just see?” I asked out loud. I shook my head as I watched her face fall. “I mean, that was amazing! I was just surprised; I had no idea you wanted to be an animator…is there more?”

  She let out a humorless laugh that quickly turned into a mock cry, “That’s it.”

  “Oh,” I said uselessly.

  “That was awesome though,” I added. I meant it.

  Then I remembered watching a video about the making of The Lion King when I was younger and realizing how much work went into making a two hour animated film.

  “It’s just because you’re a beginner,” I said encouragingly. “Anyway it’s about quality not quantity and that, was cinematic genius.”

  She cracked a smile, “Did you really like it?”

  It was so strange to see Rachel unsure about something, especially when I was feeling so proud of her.

  “Of course I did, I loved it!” I said enthusiastically. “I could totally see you working for Disney, making the next great animated film…Is that what you want to do?”

  She shrugged, “You know me, I’m not much of a planner. But yeah, I’d be okay with that.”

  The edge in her voice told me she would be more than okay with that, but of course she was too cool to show enthusiasm.

  When I thought about it, this wasn’t as surprising as I initially found it. Rachel was into animated films the same I was into traditional films. I’d forgotten that this was something we’d bonded over when we first became friends. We used to dream that we’d both be working in Hollywood one day, me as a film producer and her in animation. I must have assumed that we’d both let go of that dream.

  “Can I show Ash?”

  Rachel rolled her eyes.

  “Please?”

  “Fine,” she sighed.

  I ran across the hall to grab Ash before Rachel changed her mind I barged into her room the same way Rachel had barged into mine.

  “Put down that book, I’ve got something to show you,” I said as I entered.

  I smiled with satisfaction. She was reading.

  “Okay,” she said tentatively, placing a bookmark in her paperback before following me to Rachel’s room.

  “What is this about?” She asked as we entered, posing the question to both of us.

  Rachel was sitting on her desk chair now. “Sit and watch,” she said to Ash, pointing to the edge of her bed.

  I stood behind Rachel to watch it again.

  “Is that me?
” Ash asked, pointing to the animated version of herself in the car.

  “You can’t tell?” Rachel asked doubtfully.

  “How long have you been working on this?” Ash asked.

  “A while,” Rachel responded.

  Ash was silent until it ended. Then she asked, “You’ve been working on this all summer, right?”

  “Hey, this is a lot more work than you would think,” Rachel said defensively.

  Ash shook her head, “No, that’s not it. You’ve been working on this all summer and I’m in it.”

  A smile spread across her lips. She wrapped her arms around Rachel from the side and squeezed. Rachel and I exchanged surprised glances.

  “I knew it, you loved me all along!” Ash smiled.

  Then I couldn’t help laughing, especially as Rachel tentatively patted Ash’s arm. She still wasn’t used to being friends with her, but I knew they were getting there.

  I smiled at the fact that my prediction had actually come true. I could tell by the look on Rachel’s face she was thinking about that too. I winked, laughing as she stuck her tongue out at me.

  “I can’t believe out of the three of us, you’re the one that has her life figured out,” I said in disbelief.

  I was supposed to be pondering important questions, ones that I would have to answer soon. Questions about who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be, where I wanted to go... and even now a part of me couldn’t stop thinking about how there wasn’t any other blue that matched his eyes. My priorities were all out of whack. It didn’t matter that I would never admit that to anyone, I was embarrassed at the realization that I cared more about a boy than my own future.

  How to Get Your Heart Broken

  I’m an expert at getting my heart broken; I didn’t realize it until I met you. I guess I’ll start by saying that I’m sorry, because I don’t feel like I could say it enough. You didn’t deserve what we did to you, what I did to you. I want you to know that I’ve never regretted anything more in my life. I know that an explanation isn’t going to justify any of it, but I thought you should have one, just in case. The truth is that we weren’t really thinking. I was angry about what Ryan had done to me and Rachel was trying to make me feel better.

  I don’t think either of us really thought about what our actions would mean and I never imagined it would go as far as it did. See I got myself into this mess that I couldn’t get out of. If I admitted that I liked you I would have had to quit the bet and tell you the truth, which meant you hating me. It made sense at the time. I felt the only way to be with you was to pretend I didn’t want to. In a way, the plan worked out perfectly because I sort of got everything I deserved. This stupid bet didn’t make me feel better, not for a second. But you did. Except now I feel worse than I’ve ever felt. I deserve that for trying to hurt you. Not just because you had nothing to do with any of this, but because you deserve so much better.

  I’m sorry if I ruined any chance of there being a future for us before we even got a real chance to see what could have been. But I’m still hoping that I didn’t. When I met you, I was so angry at the world and at everything, I was keeping so much inside that I think I was on the verge of spontaneous combustion. I’ve had a lot of people betray my trust, and I guess that sort of turned me into a cynical person. I guess that’s why I came in assuming you were like every guy I’ve ever known and that what I was doing was somehow justified. Of course all of this is ironic, because you proved me wrong in so many ways.

  I wasn’t planning on opening up to anyone; I was never even honest with myself. But there was something about you that changed that. I told you things I never meant to, I trusted you without even choosing to. When we started the bet, I had this whole plan about the way I had to act to get you to like me, which sounds pretty pathetic now. Anyway, all of that went out the window as soon as we met, you could always tell when I wasn’t being genuine and it was easier to be myself with you then to pretend to be anyone else. I think that’s part of what made me so afraid; feeling like you could see right through me all the time. It made me even more guarded; I couldn’t let anyone look at me that way without any control of what they saw, without any way to protect myself, and especially not you, some guy that was just supposed to be a distraction. I didn’t realize that that was exactly what I needed, someplace where I couldn’t hide anything, where I didn’t have to pretend I was invincible, or present some illusion of strength and confidence. I’ve spent so long pretending to be those things, though I am neither most of the time. But I’d convinced everyone, so they burdened me with more than I could handle. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain what a relief it was to have someone that didn’t want me to be like that. It made me feel so much safer.

  That’s why it took me so long to tell you the truth, because I didn’t want to give you up. Because you’re too much to lose. For nineteen years, I haven’t been able to figure out who I am, or to accept it. I’ve been more concerned about what everyone else wants from me, and how I wanted everyone else to see me than figuring out how to be okay with the person I really am. You changed that in just a few weeks. I’m not so afraid to admit all of the things that hurt me, or that I always expect the worst from people, or that I love you. Because the thing I’ve realized is, pretending those things aren’t true don’t make them any less true. The truth is easier. It would be even easier if you were talking to me, but I guess I can’t blame you.

  You see the thing is the reason you made it so much less scary to face the truth, is because you showed me that there are people that aren’t going to take advantage of that. It gives me hope, that there are people better than me in the world, people like you. And I hoped you could forgive me because even though I know it’s a lot to ask for, I can’t stand the thought of you hating me forever.

  I wish there was some way I could show you how sorry I am, or to show you that I could do better. But the only way is if you give me another chance because you can only see that through time. There isn’t any insurance I can give you; you just have to believe in me. That’s what love is, that’s what I learned from you.

  I know that you’ve already been so patient with me, and it shouldn’t be as hard as I make it. It’s just that you’re so good, sometimes I think you can’t be real. In my mind I know how stupid that is, but there’s nothing I can do about the way I feel. So just in case I never see you again, I want to say thank you for teaching that courage is being willing to put yourself out there no matter how many times you get hurt; for making me feel like I am enough even when I’m not strong or fun or kind; for restoring my faith in people, and for being my own personal sun.

  Eli

  Fearless

  I stood with my arms crossed, digging my toes into the sand as I watched Rachel swim back to where I was standing.

  “Should I be worried?” I asked when she’d reached me, mentally laughing at how monotonous and unworried my voice sounded.

  It had been eight days since Jessie had come to see me and a five since I’d sent that letter pouring my heart out. I spent every day doing my best not to wallow and trying to maintain the delicate balance between being hopeful and being pathetic. And…nothing. Hopeful had been a pathetic waste of time.

  “Why don’t you save the worry for yourself? I think you need it more.”

  I stared wordlessly at her, suddenly realizing that there was something different about her, something I was sure I’d never seen in Rachel before. Maybe our talk had actually helped her.

  “Relax!” She sighed after a minute, rolling her eyes dramatically, “I was just going for a swim.”

  “Really?” I asked, wondering how she could pretend this was a casual conversation when she’d avoided everything from the ocean to ponds before this summer.

  She nodded excitedly, and I had just enough left in me to be happy that what was different was good. And maybe it wouldn’t last forever, maybe it wouldn’t last more than five minutes, but I kn
ew it would come again. This was the first but it certainly wouldn’t be the last time Rachel wasn’t tormented by her past.

  I looked down at the silver, oval locket she had begun wearing the past few days. I had been reluctant to ask about it.

  “Can I see?” I asked, although my hand was already on the necklace.

  She gave me a small nod.

  I opened it slowly. There was a picture of her brother inside smiling a wide, gap-toothed smile. I’d almost forgotten how young he was.

  On the other side was a simple engraving in graceful cursive loops: Leon.

  I closed the locket just as gently and looked up at her. She gave me a small smile as if to assure me that she was okay, at least for now.

  We were both silent for a moment and then suddenly, she turned and ran back into the water. I watched for a moment before following behind.

  “Mind if I join you?” I asked, my leggings already soaked by the time I got to her.

  I sat on the wet sand, my chin on my knees as I gathered myself into a ball, waiting for the oncoming wave. I shivered as it passed over me, half of my body momentarily engulfed in the cold rush. I watched Rachel swim the short distance back to where I was sitting.

  “Like I said, save the worrying for yourself,” she said, staring at my now soaked clothes.

  “Jesus was born in the summer,” I said in explanation as I looked down at my Christmas sweater, “If anything, it’s even more appropriate now.”

  She tilted her head, as if searching for my sanity somewhere above my head.

  “Hey just for the record, it wasn’t Jessie that called the cops that night. It was Julian,” she said suddenly.