How To Get Your Heart Broken

by Rose Fall

  I swallowed. Even hearing his name was like a shock to my system. We had gone from Ryan being theone-who shall-not-be-named to Jessie taking the title. I wondered if I’d ever escape the cycle.

  “Great,” I said quietly. Couldn’t he just do one thing wrong so that I could live under the illusion that I had dodged a bullet rather than lost something valuable? I really should have been beyond hoping. I hadn’t received any sort of reply to my letter. I’d poured my heart into that thing and if it wasn’t enough, it meant that I wasn’t enough. If I could think of anything else, I would have tried it, but I didn’t really feel there was any point.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you,” she said apologetically.

  I shrugged, “It’s ok. I have to go clean myself up…”

  She sat beside me, shaking her head like she’d just learned of some tragedy. I felt her eyes on me as I stood up and walked away, thinking of how ridiculous I must have looked just then. Even I was feeling sorry for myself.

  ---

  “Time to go,” Rachel said impatiently, holding her hand out for me.

  “You look great! Just trust us,” Ashton added, and then I was being ushered out of the door.

  They hadn’t given me the slightest hint as to where we were going, though I had enough sense to know who it would involve. To be honest, I still hadn’t decided how I felt about it. I stared down at the deep blue maxi dress I’d been forced into, trying not to think of what it reminded me off.

  “You look like you’re going to be in a freaking wedding!” Rachel had said to me and Ash, who was also wearing a long dress.

  They’d had some differences when it came to how I should be dressed for the mysterious occasion, Rachel arguing that it looked like I was trying too hard. Alas Ashton won the fight, mostly because I was too lazy to change and I wanted to get whatever this was over with.

  Where were we going to go, anyway? The sun had already set; the finality of our summer here, of our youth, of Jessie and I all seemed clearly written in the sky.

  Anyway, did it really matter what I wore? Was there any outfit that would make him not hate me? And what was the point? Like Rachel had said earlier, today was our last night here and in just a few hours, we would all be going our separate ways.

  It had been thirteen days now since I sent Jessie that letter. I still hadn’t heard a word, for all I knew he wasn’t even next door anymore. The silence was deafening.

  I ran directly into Rachel when she stopped, wondering what we could possibly be doing in the middle of the beach, in the dark, with the notebook and colored pencils Ash had brought along.

  “Over there,” Ash said, pointing a little ways away from where we’d stopped.

  I stared down at the pile of wood in front of Julian, raising an inquisitive eyebrow when he threw a lit match into it.

  Yet I was suddenly too distracted to think of anything else as I watched Jessie walking towards where we were standing.

  “Let’s get started,” Ash said, doing her best impression of a game show host as Rachel pushed me towards the log seats they’d placed around the fire.

  I sat across from Jessie. I wondered if it was by design. While I couldn’t take my eyes off him, he was using all of his energy to look everywhere but at me. I almost felt sorry for him.

  “Eli... Eli!”

  My head jolted towards Ash as I let out a quiet, “Yes?”

  “Did you get any of that?” She asked, already deciphering the answer from my blank stare.

  I shook my head quietly, wondering what she could possibly have said that was so important.

  “The reason we’re here,” she said as if she’d read my mind, “Write down anything you want. Any thoughts, fears, any negative energy you want to let go of before we leave this place and start the next chapter of this crazy journey we call life! Anything you wish was different, any regrets…” I rolled my eyes at her deliberate pause, “Then you burn it. For example I would write that I wish I’d never learned about my mother’s affair.”

  My eyes widened as she smiled, and she sent me a shrug that seemed to dismiss the entire thing as if it hadn’t had the least bit of an effect on her.

  “Write,” she whisper-shouted to me, pointing to the pencil and paper beside me after I’d continued to stare at her.

  THIS IS STUPID. I’d etched in all caps onto my piece of notebook paper. I was surprised to see everyone attentively writing when I looked up, especially Rachel. Jessie seemed deep in thought, and I could imagine all of his “negative energy” had once common source. How hard could it be to just write my name down?

  I couldn’t help the sudden sense of déjà vu that took over me, as I thought of our bonfire earlier this summer. I’d never wanted to see him again because I didn’t want to deal with what he’d learned about me. I wondered how things would have been different if I’d never talked to him again, if I’d acknowledged that beating Rachel wasn’t the most important thing in the world and spared him the misfortune of getting to know me.

  He looked up at me suddenly, seeming to sense my eyes on him. I didn’t bother to look away or pretend I had been staring at the empty space above his head instead. He stared long enough to make me forget what I was thinking before glancing back down at his paper. Something in his eyes told me that he wanted me to take this seriously too.

  I wish I didn’t love you.

  From the corner of my eye I could see everyone balling up their pieces of paper and throwing them into the fire. I was busy staring at him, as if I could somehow magically transfer the words from the paper into his brain just by looking at him. I followed suit, throwing mine just as my eyes met his.

  I watched him ball his up, our eyes still locked as it went over the fire and fell near my feet. I picked it up and threw it into the fire without hesitating, after which curiosity led to momentary regret, until he mumbled a barely audible, “Thanks.”

  And I was suddenly filled with a small but persistent ray of hope, just at the thought that he had acknowledged me. And then I wanted to cry again because I was sure I’d never get past this. There were all these moments where I convinced myself that it would get better, where I tried to look at the bigger picture and decided that Jessie would become just another memory in the grand scheme of my life, then he’d just look at me and that thought would suddenly become the world’s best joke.

  As if some imaginary clock had just chimed, Rachel, Julian, and Ash all left at that moment, leaving me trying not to cry again as I tore my eyes away from Jessie’s. I continued staring into the fire, even as I tried to contain my surprise when he’d come to sit beside me.

  “You tried to tell me, didn’t you? After that party?”

  I kept my eyes on my lap. I hadn’t stopped wondering what would have happened if I had told him then, before it was too late. I wondered if he would have forgiven me, or if everything would be the same as it was now.

  “I think I just wanted to turn a blind eye to anything bad you had ever done…I just wanted to be with you.”

  I was trying very hard not to dwell on his use of the past tense, and to dismiss the feeling that I wanted to spend the rest of my life curled into a ball and hidden under my covers because I would never have enough energy for anything more.

  It sounded like a dream when he said the words, and his nonchalant tone was the only assurance I had that they were truly Jessie’s words, “I forgive you.”

  The words made me feel lighter suddenly, an incredible weight being lifted off my shoulders but not entirely, I knew. I supposed I hadn’t forgiven myself; for being so reckless and cruel, for hurting him. Still, I wondered what this meant for him.

  “I miss you,” he continued in the same tone, not seeming to mind my silence. His eyes were glued to the fire. “I don’t know why, but I do.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. I wasn’t even sure if I was for apologizing for everything I’d done or for him missing me. I had so much to say that I didn’t know what to say.

&
nbsp; “I know,” he said easily. He was too good. There was a small, very cynical part of me that thought he was faking it, that he was saying all of this just to take it back later and get his revenge.

  “But…” he let out a long sigh. “Elle…”

  I shook my head; I already knew what he was going to say. That he forgave me, but he couldn’t be with me. That the timing wasn’t right anyway.

  “I know,” I whispered back. My voice broke, but I tried to smile through the pain.

  ‘I know. You’re right. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.’

  A reluctant hand on my back sent shivers down my spine. I marveled at how little had changed, how these would always be the moments I dreamt about, as he drew soothing circles on my bare skin, on the parts left bare by my halter dress.

  I wondered how I’d ever thought anything would ever change. Why had I thought I would ever be able to stop wanting this no matter how he felt about me? He

  pulled me in closer when I couldn’t hold the tears in any longer.

  “You know it’s not cause I don’t care about you right?”

  I was surprised at how unsteady his voice sounded. I was sure this was easier for him than it was for me. I wanted it to be easier for him; I would never wish the way I felt in this moment on him.

  I nodded into his chest.

  ‘I know,’ I thought. I couldn’t speak.

  He kissed the top of my head, and we were quiet for a few moments, both of us trying to figure out how to say goodbye.

  I let out a loud, unreserved laugh as “Drop It Like It’s Hot” played, interrupting the silence in a strange and hilarious way. I pulled away from Jessie’s chest and turned towards where Ash was crouched behind the boom box. Julian was already running towards her, making me laugh harder as I heard him yell, “Really Ashton?” To which she replied, “It was the first thing that came on!”

  “Sorry!” She turned to yell in our direction. I was suddenly sure that I’d never loved her more.

  Because as sad as I was, there was a part of me that really felt like this was exactly where I was supposed to be. So even as I cried, I smiled. And I continued to smile when Ash changed the station, marveling at how this new song, whatever it was took my breath away.

  There was something magical about this night, it had been there from the beginning, and by some miracle this song seemed to know everything I’d felt, turning it into something sad, yet beautiful in a way I wouldn’t have understood before this moment.

  “I don’t want to watch you leave, I don’t want to let you go…”

  If there had ever been a moment in which I could even entertain the possibility of divine intervention, I knew it would be now.

  I was thinking of how miraculous it was, that I’d somehow found peace in this moment despite everything. Because I had; I knew that Jessie and I were going to be okay; I knew we were all going to be okay. And I had faith that wherever our individual paths led us would be exactly where we were always meant to be. For a girl that had never believed in anything, this realization meant everything.

  “Tonight you’ve safe with me…” I thanked the words as I tried to catch my breath and I looked up, sure that the stars had never shone so brightly.

  Though I was comfortable in this moment I was already wondering what would happen after it and after that, the future suddenly seeming like some infinite and incredible concept that I’d just discovered for the first time.

  “But I can’t wait for what comes next…”

  I looked around me, to where Ashton was laughing as Julian ran around like an idiot with her on his back, just for that moment she was untainted by the burden of everything she’d had to face this summer. As if for tonight, we had left our demons in the fire. It seemed impossible, and it seemed like it had never been more possible as I watched Rachel running into the water, dancing waist deep in it as if she’d just been given a second chance at life.

  I watched them and cried harder. It wasn’t all sad tears, I was just thinking of how much I loved all of them. I was just wondering what life would throw at all of us, and if we would all be there to face it together or if we would grow apart.

  Jessie turned my face back towards his, and just like he’d done before so many times before, kissed where the tears fell on my cheeks. I held him as tightly as I could, as it suddenly occurred to me that he wouldn’t be around to do this anymore.

  It was as if he could read my thoughts. “Lighten up,” he whispered. “No one’s dying. We’re just growing up. It’s the opposite, it’s good,” he said. But he held me tighter as he said the words.

  I let out a pitiful laugh. It made me feel lighter. I felt like I’d finally found my place in the world. I never could have done it without Jessie. I never could have done it without any of them. This summer had changed me. I’d never known the world could feel this safe or silent. I could never have imagined it would be that simple. That you get your heart broken into a million pieces, and when you had nothing left to lose you would find a billion ways to mend it.

  I could never fear love again. Even in this moment when every heartbeat felt like trying to move a mountain, I knew that I’d never let another ending scare me away from beginning.

  The End

  Epilogue: Begin Again

  It felt strange coming home for Thanksgiving. After four months away…I wouldn’t go as far as to say I missed the place, but I didn’t hate it so much.

  Lauren had decided to come spend Thanksgiving with mom and I, apparently she missed me. Even though she insisted to both of my parents that she was old enough to fly alone, it just so happened that Rachel was available to be her chaperone since she was also flying in from NYU.

  Rachel had been at my house every day since getting back. We texted almost every day while we were at school, but it was nothing like being in the same room together.

  I remember the last time I’d seen her in person, the night before Ash and I left for UNC. The three of us had lain in my bed, quietly staring up at the ceiling, and squeezing the life out of each other’s hands. You would have thought one of us was being sent to the guillotine the next morning.

  Rachel left for school about two weeks after Ash and I did. When she first got to NYU, I called her every day.

  Of course she never let on, but I’d known how overwhelmed she was. But as always, she’d figured it out pretty quickly. She had already gotten a summer internship in the animation department of an advertising firm in the city. I promised her I would visit.

  I, on the other hand, still hadn’t figured it all out. I was going to wait until next year to declare a major because I still had no clue what I wanted to do. But so far, I loved college. I loved the independence and I loved the people. There were so many people around me doing so many amazing things. They inspired me. I hadn’t figured out what exactly I was going to do with all that inspiration, but I knew it would be epic when I finally did.

  In the meantime, I’d gotten involved with quite a few groups. I totally embraced the whole idea of ‘redefining yourself’ that they pitched to us at First Year Orientation (no one says freshman here; it’s practically a dirty word).

  In addition to the Ballroom Team, I’d joined a volunteering group that had me spending my Saturdays entertaining sick kids in the hospital. I loved every second of it.

  I’d had a hard time making friends at first. Everyone seemed to find their best friend within five minutes of stepping foot on campus, after which point they didn’t bother with anyone else.

  But I had my roommate, Olivia, and Ash, and this junior in my Spanish class named Jayce. Maybe I didn’t have a lot of friends, but I had really good friends. That was enough for now.

  I’d even heard from Jessie. Well, sort of. In the middle of September, I’d gotten an email telling me I had a package. I’d been sure it was a mistake- I couldn’t really think of anyone that would send me anything. When I’d seen the words Jessie Baker written above the return address, I’d torn through the
box before even reaching my dorm.

  There was a bittersweet smile on my face when I held the contents in my hands. It was my reindeer mug. There was a note attached to it.

  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

  -Jessie

  When I asked Ash if she’d given him my address, she played dumb, but the sudden rise in pitch in her voice had given her away.

  I spent a good week trying to figure out how to respond to Jessie, racking my brain for some meaningful gift I could give back, and then I gave up. I was never going to be able to pay him back. Besides, I knew that Jessie would never give me anything because he was expecting something back. So I tried something new. I tried to be honest.

  I’d be lying if I ever said that. Even without the mug. Thank you.

  -Elle

  I cherished that mug. I loved it like it was my first child. And then one day my roommate stumbled in drunk and knocked half my stuff off my desk. The mug was shattered. I’d actually cried. It was embarrassing.

  Olivia felt so bad that she bought me another one. It actually looked a lot like the original too. But every time I looked at it, it made me sad. There was nothing that was going to replace that mug in my heart.

  Alright. You know I’m actually referring to its owner. I just figured I didn’t actually need to say it.

  A lot had happened in the past four months. I’d learned so much. I’d had so many new experiences, and a lot of times I was happy, but sometimes I wasn’t.

  It all led back to one person. Two syllables. One pair of devastatingly blue eyes. Three words that were never returned…

  I didn’t try to pretend I was over him. I was over lying to myself.

  I grew desperate. I went on a few dates with another freshman-I mean, first year-that lived in my hall. His name was Manuel. He was perfectly nice and attractive and he asked me out three times before I finally agreed. But I couldn’t lie to him-I had to tell that there was someone else. Someone else that I thought about every day. So, we were trying to be friends.