Goodnight Children Everywhere and Other Plays

by Richard Nelson

  AMERICAN: He’s good. (Points to a picture) Don’t you think he’s good?

  (Joe eats and nods.)

  What a costume he’s got. (Beat) You got a poster. I was thinking of getting one. Which one did you get?

  (Joe hesitates, then shows him.)

  Maybe I’ll get that one, too.

  JOE: There are plenty of other—

  AMERICAN: Look here. (Shows him an advertisement in the program) They seem to have all kinds of shit. (Reads) “RSC Merchandise.” (Beat) Posters. T-shirts. Records. Here’s an RSC shopping bag. RSC address book. The Game of Shakespeare. What do you think that’s about?

  (Joe shrugs, looks away.)

  Maybe my niece would like that, she loves Monopoly. She kills me at it. (Laughs) She’s ruthless. I wonder what kind of skills this game teaches. (Beat) So what part of the States do you come from?

  JOE: I’m British. I’m a naturalized British citizen. (Beat) I tutor at Oxford.

  AMERICAN: No kidding. I’m in insurance. (Beat) So for someone like you all this must be pretty old hat.

  (Joe nods without looking at him.)

  Would you believe this was my first time? It is. Every year for years I’ve been promising myself . . . (Beat) Finally— Here I am. (Laughs to himself) The thrill of a lifetime. (Turns to Joe) Doesn’t eating that stuff make you even colder?

  JOE: Not if you’re English.

  (American nods, shrugs, looks at the program, then up.)

  AMERICAN: Theatre’s my hobby, you know. We’ve got a very successful little theatre back home. The high school lets us use the auditorium. I’ve seen some so-called professionals that weren’t any better, really. (Laughs to himself) Last summer we did Thornton Wilder’s Our Town. You want to know whose arm they twisted to play the Stage Manager? (Laughs) I wasn’t half bad either! (Beat) Nothing like these guys, of course. (Nods toward the theatre) These guys are real pros. I’m not even in their league, let me tell you. I don’t even deserve to wipe the sweat off these guys’ faces. You know what I mean? (Laughs to himself)

  (Frankie hurries in.)

  FRANKIE (As she enters): It’s just the intermission? How long is the play?

  JOE: They’re saying all the words. Every now and then they have to do that. So have they called?

  FRANKIE: They’re here.

  JOE: Here? When? They were supposed to call first.

  FRANKIE: They rented a car.

  JOE: A car?! I told them to take a train or a bus. I’m not sure we have it in the department budget to rent a—

  FRANKIE: Joe, Donna Silliman wants to talk to you.

  JOE: Sure. And I want to talk to her. As soon as this is over, I’ll—

  FRANKIE: Now.

  (Short pause.)

  JOE: Now?? (Looks toward the theatre) But there’s still—

  FRANKIE: I think you should go.

  JOE: In my whole life I’ve only seen one professional production of—

  FRANKIE: I think it’s important.

  (He hesitates.)

  JOE: Why? What happened?

  FRANKIE: She’s in my room. Come and talk to her.

  JOE: And Phil and Henry?

  FRANKIE: They went off sight-seeing. Since they missed the start of the play.

  (Joe hesitates, then goes back to the American.)

  JOE: My program, could I have it back, please? I have to leave.

  AMERICAN: Sneaking out?

  JOE: No, I am not “sneaking out.”

  AMERICAN: They do go on and on—

  JOE: I am not sneaking out!

  AMERICAN (Handing the program to him): I’m not sure I would have paid a pound for that.

  JOE: And now there is no need, is there? (He turns and goes off with Frankie)

  ANNOUNCEMENT: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The performance is about to begin.

  (The American puts out his cigarette and goes off toward the theatre.)

  SCENE 7

  TRINITY CHURCH GARDEN, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON

  A garden bench. Henry and Philip sit. Philip holds a piece of paper; a large book is next to Henry.

  PHILIP (Referring to the paper): I tell you they cheated us. And I’m not saying that because we only had the car for a few hours. I knew we had to pay for the full day.

  HENRY: I can’t believe they would—

  PHILIP: Why not? (Beat) Because William Shakespeare lived here? Wise up, Henry. (Beat) What insurance did you agree to?

  HENRY: I don’t know. Whatever—

  PHILIP: You don’t know. So first, without even asking, they stick us for the maximum insurance.

  HENRY: How do you know that’s the maximum?

  PHILIP: Because why wouldn’t they?

  (Beat.)

  HENRY: If it was up to me to ask for less insurance then it’s our fault.

  PHILIP: He saw we were in a hurry. So he took advantage. Did you add this up? (Beat) I just did. Add it up. (Hands the paper to Henry) Are you adding it up?

  HENRY: Yeah. (Short pause) OK. (Hands the paper back)

  PHILIP: Now what excuses are you going to make for them?

  HENRY: So they overcharged us by five pounds, big deal.

  PHILIP: Five pounds is a big deal to a lot of people, Henry.

  HENRY: They made a mistake. I doubt if they’d bother to cheat someone for five pounds.

  PHILIP: Five pounds is five pounds! Five pounds adds up! First thing in the morning I’m going down there and get that five pounds back.

  HENRY: Do what you want. If it’ll make you happy.

  PHILIP: It’s not my five pounds. It’s the department’s five pounds. (Beat) And you’re coming with me.

  HENRY: I’m not going to act like that for five pounds.

  PHILIP: You mean like you’ve been cheated? You have been cheated, Henry.

  HENRY: Spend half a day to get back five pounds? Who’s being foolish now?

  PHILIP: It’s the principle, Henry!

  HENRY: You’ll embarrass yourself!!

  PHILIP: Have some guts, will you?!!!

  (Henry turns away. Pause.)

  OK. Sorry. (He pats Henry on the leg) Sorry. I didn’t mean . . . Hey, I guess we’re just different people, that’s all.

  (Henry turns back to him, nods and then smiles.)

  (Folding up the bill) Forty-nine pounds for three hours. Fuck. (Puts the bill in his pocket. Short pause)

  HENRY: You should have been the one to choose the insurance.

  PHILIP: You did fine. You did.

  (Short pause. Henry picks up the large book—it is The Collected Works of William Shakespeare—and begins to thumb through it.)

  HENRY (Without looking up): Joe got the message, I hope.

  PHILIP: He must have.

  HENRY (Looking at his watch): We said 5:30. It’s almost six.

  PHILIP (Shrugging): Maybe the idea didn’t interest him.

  HENRY: It was his idea. In London he was the one who suggested we do this. (Beat) This kind of thing. (Beat)

  PHILIP: Well, I think we should have started with just the three of us.

  (Betty enters from the direction of the church, carrying a small bag.)

  BETTY: No Joe or Frankie?

  (They shake their heads.)

  PHILIP (Standing): Sit down. I dried the bench with my handkerchief.

  BETTY: No, Phil, don’t—

  PHILIP: Please, I’ve been sitting and driving all afternoon.

  HENRY (Suddenly standing): So have I. (Offers his seat) Please—

  BETTY: I don’t want to sit.

  (They are all standing now.)

  HENRY (Nodding toward her bag): What’d you get?

  (Betty opens the bag and takes out some postcards.)

  BETTY: They were thirty pence each. But I figure since it’s going to a church.

  PHILIP: Thirty pence?! (Shakes his head in disgust. Short pause) It’s the same in the States though. Ever been to the gift shop at say the Statue of Liberty? They rip you off there, too.

>   (Pause.)

  HENRY (Having looked at the cards, now hands them back): They’re nice. You should have bought more.

  (Short pause.)

  BETTY: I thought this idea to read the poem was Joe’s.

  PHILIP: We were just commenting on that. (Short pause) So how was the play this afternoon? It broke my heart to miss it, you know.

  BETTY: I think two Shakespeares in one day is asking for trouble. But the kids seemed to follow this one. But we’ll see what they’re like after tonight. (Beat) It was three and a half hours long.

  PHILIP: But I’ll bet it seemed like an hour, right?

  (Philip turns to Henry and laughs. Henry laughs lightly.)

  BETTY: Why is that funny?

  (Frankie hurries in.)

  FRANKIE: Joe said to go on without him.

  PHILIP: What’s the matter?

  HENRY: What’s going on?

  FRANKIE: Donna Silliman is . . . She’s pretty hysterical actually. I have to go back.

  PHILIP: Wait a minute. (To Henry) She was fine in the car, wasn’t she?

  HENRY: Fine.

  PHILIP: What’s she saying?

  FRANKIE: Henry, Joe would like you to drop by the hotel before the play. Just for a second.

  HENRY: Sure. I can go now if—

  PHILIP: Hey, if you’re going then—

  FRANKIE: Stay. He just needs a minute. There’s plenty of time. (Beat) He’s trying not to make this into a big thing.

  HENRY: Make what into a big thing?—

  BETTY: What happened?

  PHILIP (Trying to take Frankie’s hand): Frankie, are you OK? You look—

  FRANKIE (Pulling her hand away): I’m great. I’m feeling just great, Philip. (Beat) How are you feeling? (Beat. She turns to go) Please just read the poem . . .

  (She hesitates, then hurries off. Pause. They look at each other.)

  PHILIP: And I thought we were finished with Donna Silliman for the day, but I guess not. (Short pause) I wonder what Joe wants to see us about.

  BETTY: Henry. He wants to see Henry.

  (Short pause.)

  HENRY: We better start if I’m going to see Joe before the show. (Beat) Who wants to begin? (Beat) How about Betty? (No response) Betty?

  (He holds out the book to her; after a moment she takes it, and begins to read:)

  BETTY: “To the memory of My Beloved, the Author, Mr. William Shakespeare, and what he hath left us”:

  To draw no envy (Shakespeare) on thy name,

  Am I thus ample to thy Booke, and Fame;

  While I confesse thy writings to be such,

  As neither Man, nor Muse, can praise too much.

  ’Tis true, and all men’s suffrage. But these wayes

  Were not the paths I meant unto thy praise:

  For seeliest Ignorance on these may light,

  Which, when it sounds at best, but eccho’s right . . .

  (Betty hands the book to Henry.)

  HENRY (Reading):

  Or blinde Affection, which doth ne’re advance

  The truth, but gropes, and urgeth all by chance;

  Or crafty Malice, might pretend this praise,

  And thinke to ruine, where it seem’d to raise.

  These are, as some infamous Baud, or Whore,

  Should praise a Matron. What could hurt her more?

  But thou art proofe against them, and indeed

  Above th’ill fortune of them, or the need . . .

  (Henry hands the book to Philip.)

  PHILIP (Reading):

  I, therefore will begin. Soule of the Age!

  The applause! delight! the wonder of our Stage!

  My Shakespeare, rise; I will not lodge thee by

  Chaucer, or Spenser, or bid Beaumont lye

  A little further, to make thee a roome:

  Thou art a Moniment, without a tombe . . .

  SCENE 8

  BAR OF THE ARDEN HOTEL, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON

  Night. The bar is closed. Joe sits at a table with Katie and Donna Silliman. They are laughing.

  JOE (To Donna): Sounds like his theatre class was studying Harrods a lot more closely than they were the Royal Shakespeare Company. (Laughs)

  DONNA: I think they were. (Beat) Looking at the kids, some of the kids and the clothes they were wearing, I think a basic knowledge of Harrods may have been a prerequisite for the class.

  JOE: Yeah. (Laughs) What a waste of money. I don’t know, maybe I’m old-fashioned but here is this opportunity— It’s like a living education. That’s what England could be. I think that’s what our course tries to realize. (Beat) I don’t know if we succeed. (No response) We try. (Beat) I think we come quite close to succeeding. (Beat)

  DONNA: Sure. You mind if I—?

  (She takes out a packet of cigarettes from her purse. Joe shakes his head.)

  Katie? (Offers her one)

  KATIE: Thanks.

  (She takes one. Joe looks at her.)

  For Christ’s sake, it’s a cigarette!

  DONNA: Every week they had three days off to do what they wanted. No classes or anything.

  KATIE: For travel?

  DONNA: For farting around. That’s how I met Chip. (Beat) He was bored. He’d bought a ticket to one of the plays we were seeing. (Beat) Do you believe that?

  (Katie shakes her head.)

  JOE: Why is that so—?

  DONNA: On his own he bought a ticket!

  JOE: I don’t find that—

  DONNA: He could have done anything. But he went to see this play. (Beat) You’d really like him, Professor Taylor. He’s a very good student. Reads a lot. Likes to go to bookstores. (Beat) He wants to teach. (Beat) We were walking out of the theatre and he sort of tapped me on the shoulder and asked for a light. (Smokes) I asked where he was from. He asked where I was from. You’re in a foreign country, it’s nice to see someone from home. (Beat) It makes you feel relaxed.

  KATIE: I feel the same way. I’ve met two, three Americans on this trip.

  DONNA: They’re not— I don’t know, critical.

  KATIE: They see the same things you see.

  DONNA: That’s it. Exactly. (Beat) Though there’s always . . . (Laughs) One afternoon last week I went with Chip and his class on a quote unquote walking tour of Kensington. The teacher got everyone to count Rolls-Royces. Unbelievable.

  KATIE: You’re kidding!

  JOE: I’m sure there was—

  DONNA: I’ll bet I know more about the English theatre than his teachers do.

  JOE: Donna, you—

  DONNA: OK, I missed a few plays. OK, I missed a few classes. (Beat) OK, I missed a lot of plays and a lot of classes, but I’ll tell you what, I’m going to see everything we see for the rest of the time we’re here.

  JOE: We go home in six days, Donna.

  DONNA: In those six days, then. (Short pause. She smokes) Chip’s now gone to Paris. (Beat) His girlfriend made him go. It was either me or Paris. So I was really upset. That’s why that stuff in the car— (Beat) I didn’t need that.

  JOE: No.

  KATIE: No one does.

  DONNA: I was vulnerable.

  JOE: We understand.

  DONNA: He scared me. Professor Brown scared the hell out of me.

  (Beat.)

  JOE: Talk about it as much as you want.

  (Long pause. Donna rubs her eyes and almost cries.)

  DONNA (Suddenly turning): You’re not going to get Chip into trouble? It wasn’t his fault. I forgot about Stratford. (Beat) Chip’s not his real name, you know.

  JOE: As we said at dinner, if you’re willing to forget about it, Donna, we’re willing to. (Beat) At dinner you seemed to be willing to.

  DONNA: I am. (Beat) But what Professor Brown did—nothing like that ever happened to me—

  JOE: A misunderstanding.

  DONNA: How do you misunderstand—?

  JOE (Turning to Katie): I thought this was over. We had dinner. We talked about this.

  DONNA: And my parents? You’ll ta
lk to my parents?!

  JOE: Why do you assume that? (Beat) We have six more days. They can be lovely days, Donna. But that will be mostly up to you. (Short pause) I’m not trying to treat this lightly. I don’t want you saying that’s what I did. If there’s more you want to say? (Beat) We can stay up all night if you like. I don’t want to be unhappy with the way I have handled what’s happened. (Beat) What you say has happened.

  DONNA: Do you think I’m lying—

  JOE: I don’t want you to get home and start complaining! I don’t want you saying— Look, Katie’s been here. She’s heard everything.

  KATIE: Is that why you wanted me here?

  (Pause.)

  JOE: We know his name isn’t Chip. We know his name. (Short pause. Looks at his watch) The play’s over. Maybe you and Katie would like to—

  KATIE: The rest of the class was going to a pub. I know which one.

  (Katie hesitates, then gets up. Philip and Henry enter.)

  HENRY: Joe, you missed the whole play. I thought Anthony and—

  JOE: We got talking. (To Donna) We finished, right? (Beat) Right?

  DONNA (Standing): I think we should go.

  JOE: Donna, before you do. (Beat) I think if for no other reason than for my sake, you should say what you recall happened in the car. To Professor Brown. (Beat) To his face. (To Philip) I don’t want you saying I put words in her mouth.

  PHILIP: What’s this about?

  JOE: Phil, please. (Beat) Donna.

  DONNA (After a long sigh): I told Professor Taylor what you tried to do to me in the car on our way up here.

  (Short pause.)

  PHILIP: Which was??

  DONNA: You tried to touch me. In fact, he did touch my breast. Actually he grabbed it. I had to push him away.

  PHILIP: Joe, this is—

  JOE: Wait. (Beat) Donna. Is there anything else you wish to tell me? Anything at all?

  (She shakes her head.)

  You’re satisfied that you’ve had an honest hearing? (Beat) Then you can go.

  (Katie and Donna start to go.)

  Katie?

  KATIE: What, Dad?

  JOE: You have money?

  KATIE: Yes.

  JOE: Buy her what she wants.

  (Katie and Donna leave. Pause.)

  Sorry that the bar’s closed.

  PHILIP (Stunned): You don’t believe that girl.

  HENRY: She’s lying, isn’t she?

  PHILIP: Of course. (Laughs to himself) Why would I—? How could I—? (Beat) Henry was in the car the whole time.