Most of all her forgiveness.
“I hated him so much,” he managed when the tears settled.
“Oh, bambino mio, no, don’t say that,” she cried.
“I know it sounds bad, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry!”
Brushing his hair off his fevered brow, she cupped his face and made him look at her. “You’re gonna have to figure out how to forgive him. Or you’ll never be at peace.”
“How am I supposed to do that?”
She stroked his cheek and gave him a teary smile. “That’s for you to figure out.”
He let out a breathy, mirthless chuckle. “That’s not really helpful, ya know?”
She patted his cheek. “But it’s the truth.”
Wiping his face dry with the front of his T-shirt, Forrester sat back in his seat. He turned a second vent on his face and tried to collect himself. He couldn’t believe he’d cried like that, but he felt better. Confessing his unresolved issues with Dad removed a weight from his chest.
“This makes me so sad.” Ma dried her eyes with a tissue.
“What? Me being gay?”
She waved a hand and adjusted her purse in her lap. “No, you and your father. Thinking about what the two of you lost out on. A mother wants her family to love each other. Now, after all this time, I learn that you thought your father hated you, and he thought you hated him. It hurts me.”
“Me too.” His heart ached, but there was no TARDIS or time portal to go back and fix it. What was done was done. Ma was right, he’d have to figure out how to forgive a dead man for sins he wasn’t even aware he’d committed.
And he had no idea how to do that.
He put his truck into reverse and backed out. As he exited the labyrinth of parking lots at the hospital, neither of them said anything.
Finally, when he came to yet another Stop sign, Ma asked, “Do your brothers know?”
“Yeah. Joey outed me to everybody at Smitty’s on Saturday, Tony made a bet that I was gay, and Dino just laughed at me.”
She chuckled. “That sounds about right.”
“How do you figure?”
“Joey is…. Well, he’s Joey. He’s got a heart of gold, but he’s not the sharpest tack. Antonio’s got a gambling problem, and Dino has the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old.” She smiled at him. “Lemme guess, you just yelled at everybody and ran off?”
He managed a smile. “Yeah, kinda.”
“So now what?”
“What do you mean?”
“Now what?” she repeated. “You’re gay, you have a boyfriend. What do you want me to do? How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say? What do you want?”
“I just….” A million things went through his mind, but in a low, wobbly voice he said, “I just want you to still love me.”
She reached across the truck and whacked him on the back of the head.
“Ow! What’s that for? I’m driving!”
“Why would you think I wouldn’t love you?” she demanded. “That’s stupid.”
Her heartfelt scolding brought tears to his eyes, and he slanted a look at her, then back to the road. “What was I supposed to think?”
“Not that I wouldn’t love you, ya big idiot.” She sat back and crossed her arms, then flinched in pain. “I know your father said stuff, but I never did,” she muttered. “At least nothing that should make you think I wouldn’t love you. What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted, fighting down a smile. He didn’t bring up her love the sinner, hate the sin line because her fierce declaration of loyalty felt too good. Nothing was worth shattering this newfound level of their relationship.
“Why’d you have to tell me this the first day of chemo? It’s too much. You should’ve told me months ago. Years ago.”
“You should’ve told us you found a lump at Christmas,” he countered.
Their eyes met in challenge, then softened. They both chuckled.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
“I could eat.”
“I froze a bunch of meatballs and some lasagna. I’ll make some when we get home.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“How else would your brother eat anything? Nonna can’t cook anymore. She uses salt instead of sugar.”
Forrester smiled. Nonna did that last Thanksgiving with the pumpkin pies.
She sighed. “All those beautiful tomatoes you’re growing for me, I’ll be sick when they’re ready to pick.”
“I’ll pick them all and can them for you,” he said, though in all the years he’d watched Ma can, he’d never done it.
“You gonna watch a YouTube video first?”
“Maybe. Or you can just tell me how to do it. You should see these plants, they’re getting huge. Kyle planted pots of basil, oregano, and thyme around them too. And marigolds to keep the bugs away. It looks really nice.”
“He did, eh?” Ma said, sounding impressed.
“Yeah, he’s really got a green thumb. You should see how beautiful our yard looks. He has flowers everywhere. And I mean everywhere.”
Ma glanced over, brows raised. For a moment Forrester wondered what she would say, hearing him talk about “our yard.” But she only sniffed. “Well, if you have too much basil, I’ll make you pesto. That garbage they sell in plastic tubs is no good.”
“That would be nice, grazie.” He smiled, still feeling awkward in his skin, exposed yet oddly comfortable with Ma’s chatter about food. He rubbed the back of his head, smoothing down his hair.
Things were different, but they would be okay.
When they arrived at home, he put the truck in Park and turned toward Ma. Before she could say anything, he cupped her face. “Thank you, Mama,” he said. “Thank you.” He kissed her on both cheeks, then on her forehead, and their eyes met. He could see the confusion, the irritability in her gaze, but more importantly, he could see the love.
Then a moment later, she pushed his hands away and brushed the tears from her face. “Don’t be getting all sappy. I’ve cried too much today, and all these chemicals are making me hormonal.”
Love and hope burning in his chest, Forrester got out of the truck and went around to open the door for his mother.
“You gonna tell Nonna?” Ma asked as he helped her out.
“Why the hell not,” he said with a laugh. “Are you gonna tell her?”
“About you or me?” she asked with a wry smirk.
“Take your pick.”
Ma paused and looked up at Forrester. “We’re a pair of fools, aren’t we? Keeping secrets like this.”
“I get it from you.”
She scoffed. “Look who thinks he’s funny.”
“Maria, sei to?” Nonna called when they came into the kitchen. She shuffled in from the living room, wearing her blue housecoat inside out and her silver hair pulled up with a colored pencil.
Ma and Forrester exchanged a glance, and he shrugged. “Flip a coin on who goes first?”
She laughed and sat. When Forrester helped her with her shoes, she didn’t protest.
“What’s the matter with her?” Nonna asked in Italian. “More food poisoning?” Shaking her head, she walked over and took a pot out of the cupboard.
Ma and Forrester exchanged glances.
Nonna set the pot on the stovetop and faced them, a hand on her hips. “Why do you both look so guilty? You hiding something?”
“Um,” Forrester began, his face heating as he set Ma’s shoes to the side. When he stood, he towered over Nonna, but that stern look in her eyes made him feel three feet tall and four years old.
“Don’t look at your nonna like that, Frankie,” the old woman scolded in Italian. She tapped her temple. “I know that you know I know.”
“What?” He shook his head in confusion.
“That boyfriend of yours already told you,” Nonna said with a smirk. “I knew he wouldn’t keep his mouth shut.”
“Kyle? What’d he tell me? Wait? Wha
t?” Had she said… boyfriend?
Nonna sniggered at Forrester’s stunned expression as she took spices out of the cupboard. “So he kept his mouth shut, eh? I guess my evil eye still works.”
Forrester gaped at his grandmother. “What did you say to Kyle?”
“Non sono affari tuoi, Frankie.” She pointed a wooden spoon at him as she said it was none of his business. “Now set the table for dinner before Giuseppe gets home.”
“Sì, Nonna.” Instead, he hurried over to hug the tiny woman.
“What’s this for?” she demanded in Italian, and then she chuckled and hugged him too. When he pulled back, hands still on her frail shoulders, his face was wet again. She pinched his cheek lightly. “Now, now, bello, you didn’t think you could fool me, did you?”
He couldn’t believe his ears. “Did Gramps know?”
“Of course.”
“And you guys were okay with it?” He needed to know.
Nonna waved the wooden spoon and shooed Forrester away. “Why wouldn’t I be? You know I loved Rock Hudson. Best-looking actor to ever be on the silver screen. They say Cary Grant liked the fellas too. Tell me this. Are you happy?”
“Sì, Nonna, sono davvero felice.” Forrester was very happy.
She gestured to herself with the spoon. “Then I’m happy.” She pointed at Ma, standing in the doorway by the shoes, looking as shocked as Forrester felt. “Sit down before you pass out, Maria. You just rest after your chemotherapy. Frankie and I can handle dinner.”
“What?” Ma cried.
Nonna clucked her tongue in disapproval. “You all think I’m senile, but I know what’s going on around here.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“YOU SURE you don’t want me to drop you off, then come back to pick you up?”
Forrester shook his head. “Absolutely not. I need you here with me today.”
“Okay, whatever you need.” Kyle parked behind Dino and Amanda’s minivan.
Just great, he’s already here.
It had been a week since he’d been outed. Dino went from texting five times a day to total radio silence, not even responding to the group text Forrester had sent. After Forrester replaced his phone, Joey carried on with his normal texting of random questions or funny memes, because apparently to his little brother, Forrester was and always would be “Frankie.” Tony had not texted him, naturally. Joey told him Tony was pissed Forrester hadn’t come to his Fourth of July party.
Should’ve thought of that before you made a bet on me.
“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me Nonna knew,” Forrester said once more.
Kyle chuckled and threw up his hands. “She gave me the evil eye. What was I supposed to do?”
“She really asked you how long you were my boyfriend?”
“In perfect English. And she wanted to make sure you were treating me good.”
“And am I?”
“The best.”
Having Kyle with him for Ma’s little cancer party made this easier, but still, Forrester’s insides trembled. He hadn’t been able to eat breakfast, and it was making his stomach upset. As he reached for the door handle, his hands shook. Morbidly he wondered if she’d have cupcakes like she’d ordered for Amanda’s gender-reveal party. Maybe a cake with the buttercream announcement: “Surprise, I have cancer!”
Nonna hadn’t told them how she’d figured out about Ma, but Forrester assumed Ma must’ve been as discreet as Forrester had always assumed he was.
“Babe,” Kyle said. “It’s going to be okay.”
Forrester nodded and gave him a tight-lipped smile. Kyle had been thrilled at how Ma took his coming out, assuring him that the worst part was over and things were on their way to being healed. He wanted to believe that, but his insides vibrated with apprehension.
Kyle had a bouquet of flowers for Ma that he’d picked this morning—daisies in three different colors and several big dahlias tied together with a fluffy pink ribbon. They made their way to the back porch. After opening the door, Forrester led them inside. “Ma, we’re here.”
Even his vocal cords shook.
“In here,” Amanda’s pleasant voice called.
He let out a sigh of relief. At least Amanda was there.
They kicked off their shoes and rounded the corner to the kitchen. The savory aroma of marinara and the sound of pasta bubbling on the stove and dishes being laid out filled the house. Familiar, warm, and welcoming. Since Ma was cooking upstairs, only immediate family would be there, which he supposed was a relief. But he still itched with nervousness. Ma and Amanda were setting the table, and Dino sat at the island bar, beer in hand.
Dino gave Forrester a curt nod before standing and walking into the dining area. “You need any help, babe?” he asked his wife, rubbing her back.
First he laughs, and now he can’t even talk to me….
Forrester wanted to yell, he wanted to cry, he wanted to go back to Gilead, where he was safe and accepted.
A warm supportive hand rested on the center of his back, and he glanced down at Kyle.
“It’s going to be okay,” Kyle promised again.
Once more, Forrester nodded.
“Frankie, I’m glad you’re here,” Ma said, doing a piss-poor job of looking perky. She’d put on makeup today, but it didn’t hide the pallor in her cheeks or her sunken eyes.
He bent down and gave her a careful hug, kissing each of her cheeks. He’d stayed with her the first night after chemo, but she didn’t start getting sick until the next morning. They’d told Joey she had food poisoning again. Forrester hated lying, but Ma wanted to have all the boys together to make an official announcement. And in classic Italian style, she’d cooked an absurd amount of food to soften the blow.
“Come ti senti?” he asked, caressing her good arm.
“Terrible,” she admitted. “But I’m not dead yet.”
“Ma, that’s morbid,” he scolded. “Where’s Nonna?”
“Getting dressed.” She patted his cheek, then turned toward Kyle.
“For you.” Kyle held out the bouquet.
“Grazie.” She hesitated for the briefest of moments before she hugged him too.
“Oh, um, you’re welcome, Mrs. Giordano.” Kyle seemed taken aback by the embrace but returned it, his face melting with relief. He’d been just as nervous coming here today.
A swell of happiness filled Forrester, watching his mother hug Kyle, with her knowing full well who he was and what he meant to Forrester. It was exactly how Ma had treated Amanda and Missy when they joined the family.
Ma’s hug had some kind of power over them both, and he could see Kyle’s tension easing. Then in surreal disbelief, Forrester watched Ma step back and pat his boyfriend’s cheek just like she’d done to him.
“Did you grow these?” Ma asked, touching the delicate blossoms with a finger. “Frankie says you like to garden.”
Kyle shot Forrester a look, then answered her. “Yes, I grew them. Just picked them this morning.”
Ma patted his cheek again. “They’re bellissimo. Grazie.”
“You’re welcome.” Kyle cleared his throat and Forrester let out a sigh of relief.
Maybe things will be okay.
“I hope you boys are hungry,” Ma said. “I made lasagna, and Amanda’s making garlic bread and a big salad.”
“Not really that hungry.” Forrester glanced across the room, catching his brother watching them only to quickly turn away.
And now he can’t look at me?
“Nonsense,” Nonna said from the doorway. “You’ll eat.”
“Ciao, Nonna.” A bright, happy feeling filled Forrester’s chest when he saw her weathered face. He hugged her and kissed each cheek. “You remember Kyle?”
Nonna smiled at Kyle and patted his cheek too. “Yes, the boyfriend who knows how to keep his mouth shut,” she said in English.
Kyle chuckled. “Yes, I do. How are you?”
She tossed up a hand and made a “meh” soun
d, then headed over to the stove to check the sauce. Forrester smiled, watching the little woman, though his smile faded when he caught Dino watching him again.
“What?” Forrester growled. “Ain’t you got a hello, Dino? Maybe something for a laugh?”
“Forrester,” Kyle warned.
Dino made an irritable face. “Hi.”
Amanda entered the kitchen and gripped Forrester’s arm and dragged him over to the cupboard. “Don’t start, Frankie,” she whispered, then pointed up. “Can you get another plate down? I can’t reach.”
Forrester retrieved the plate and set it on the counter. Ignoring Dino, he pulled his sister-in-law into a hug and kissed her on the top of her head. He tried to sound light and playful. “Hey, Preggo.”
“Will you talk to him?” she whispered.
Forrester stiffened and stepped away. “Nope. He couldn’t even say hello just now.”
The sympathy in her sad smile was like another kick in the gut. Dammit, if it weren’t for Ma, he wouldn’t even be here. Like he’d told Amanda, everything was just too raw.
Amanda offered a smile to Kyle. “How are you?”
“I’m well, thanks.” Kyle’s smile didn’t wrinkle his eyes like it usually did, and his hands were bunched in the small of his back. Ma’s hug and Nonna’s no-nonsense welcome helped, but he was still nervous. “And you?”
“Fat and pregnant.” She gestured to her stomach.
Could it possibly be bigger than a week ago?
“Where’s Joey?” Forrester asked.
Amanda and Ma exchanged eye rolls and both said, “He had errands to run,” in a skeptical tone.
“Errands?” Forrester questioned. “What kind of errands?”
“How are we supposed to know?” Amanda said. “He was being all secretive. Probably just some floozy.”
“No, I think he’s getting some money from Alfie,” Dino said.
“Alfie?” Forrester burst out with. “Is that what he said?”
“What’s he still talking to that loser for?” Amanda wanted to know.
“Alfie owes him money,” Dino told his wife, not looking at Forrester. “He’s meeting him at his club to get it.”
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