Welcome to the Galactic Shoppers Network

by Ian Rodgers

  “I may have screamed and hung up abruptly,” Charma admitted, looking abashed. The sound of two palms slapping snouts in exasperation rung out and her parent’s crests wobbled in disappointment.

  “Tell us, Charma, what do you two usually do?”

  “Well, we talk about this and that. His job, some of my earlier commercials, some of the latest news in the Alliance. This and that.”

  “Alright. Does this ‘Zane’ call you anything?”

  “He calls me ‘Chacha,’” Charma revealed, before pausing at what she’d said to her parents.

  “Awww! Dear, did you hear that? Our little hatchling lets him call her our baby name for her!” Keela cooed.

  “It’s not like that!” Charma protested, her crest standing erect. “He didn’t recognize my voice when we spoke, and I didn’t want him to treat me like a celebrity!”

  “He didn’t recognize your voice?” Orm asked incredulously.

  In spite of their appearance, Dren could make all sorts of sounds and were widely regarded as one of the best singing species in the Alliance. And Charma Karzenk was known far and wide as someone with the voice of an angel! The Ial themselves praised her talents! She’d won numerous contests and composed dozens of songs. Not to mention her voice was unmistakable due in part to a small latent psychic ability that made others remember her sounds.

  “What kind of rock does he live under?” Keela demanded, just as shocked as her husband.

  “I think he might be from an Isolationist Enclave,” Charma said. It was the only thing that made sense.

  Sometimes, there were those who did not want to join the Planetary Alliance. Either a species was exceptionally xenophobic, their government was isolationist, or their culture was too violent for successful integration into wider galactic politics. There were a variety of reasons to refuse unity. These factions were collectively known as the Isolationist Enclaves, and there was limited communication with them.

  “Only a few of those have contact with the Alliance, and fewer have trade agreements. But it’s not impossible that Crown Corp. has allowed a less closed off government to partake in their experiment,” Keela admitted. “But that’s beside the point Charma, my hatchling. You’re afraid of him knowing who you are. Because he might change when he knows you’re famous?”

  “Yes.” Charma said softly, looking at the floor.

  “Do you really think Zane would treat you differently? Even knowing what you do about him?”

  “…No,” the idol replied. Her mother nodded.

  “It’s not strange to feel this way. Perhaps your father and I pushed you into the limelight too early, and forgot to let you have a normal childhood. And to find someone not blinded by said light is something you likely thought would never happen. If you want to stay friends with this person, or become something more, it’s all up to you.”

  “Thank you, mother. I-I need some time to think about this,” she said with barely a whisper.

  “Of course. Our home is always open if you want to stop by for a real visit,” Keela said before she hung up.

  Charma sank onto her bed, mind abuzz. She doubted even a Triple Spectacular Massage would calm her down.

  She eyed the room service button and sighed. Well, it couldn’t hurt to try a treatment, would it?

  “Please sign here. And here… initial there… complete. Thank you for the purchase.”

  “A pleasure. Thanks for the quick delivery,” Zane said as he shook hands with the deliveryman.

  “What do you plan on using all this willow for?” The man asked as a partner wheeled a stack of fresh, high quality wood towards the back of the ranch house.

  “Well, I thought I’d try my hand at making some furniture. Gramps left a lot of stuff behind, including some carpentry tools. ‘Why not,’ you know? Could be fun,” Zane said with a shrug. The man nodded.

  “Well, have fun, and be wary of splinters. Have a good day, sir.”

  “You as well.”

  Zane watched the delivery people drive off and he eased a crick out of his neck. Lying had sadly become second nature to him. Or at least misdirection had. Worst of all, he felt no shame about it. If anyone knew even a third of what he did, it would create panic. He was protecting himself, his family, and his friends by lying to everyone he met and knew.

  “So what do we do now, Rob?” the human asked as he looked over the pile of wood that had been delivered.

  “Now we wait. I contacted the buyer for the wood last week when I ordered it from the source here on Earth. In another day or so we should have an automated recovery drone here to pick up the lumber and pay in delicious Alliance Credits,” the robotic entity reported from the backdoor.

  “And it’ll be here around midnight or so, right?”

  “Indeed. I selected the ‘Discreet’ arrival method option so it will enter the atmosphere slowly and cloak its assorted energy signatures. It will be nigh undetectable by radar or technology, although visual confirmation will be our enemy. Praise Luck you live out in the boonies.”

  “No problem,” Zane said with a roll of his eyes. “By the way, has Chacha called recently?”

  “No, she has not. And it’s only been two Galactic Standard days since you last spoke. If you’re really worried about your girlfriend you could just call her yourself. I’m sure she’d respond if it was you,” Rob replied.

  “She’s not my girlfriend!” Zane protested.

  “And the red on your face is due to having eaten something spicy, and not repressed lust,” Rob drawled. His static laced voice managed to convey a thick amount of sarcasm that Zane frowned at.

  He chose to ignore his housemate and covered up the planks of willow wood with a rain proof tarp.

  “Let me look at a few of the products on sale today,” Zane said as he returned to his cozy living room.

  “Alright, then.” Rob called up his hologram and showed off the catalog. One of the ads caught Zane’s eye with the DNA helix filled with stars logo. Curious, Zane clicked on it.

  “Ever wondered what that Nutri-Slime they serve in the company cafeteria is? Ever seen a neat lifeform and wanted to know what it was and if it was poisonous? Then look no further! Straight from the Star-Helix Medical Laboratories, the Bio-Organi-Scanner has what you need! Capable of diagnosing over 3 billion cross-species diseases and 1 trillion biological and psykanic problems!”

  On the screen, the logo unfurled and soon showed what looked like a barcode scanner, but larger and with clear sci-fi additions. An alien that looked like a bipedal cat-weasel was showing it off, waving it in front of a variety of sick looking creatures and noxious food.

  “Using Z-Ray energy to scan a subject, a complete analysis of composition, diet, and any afflictions is ready in mere hours, instead of days! Available for use with hands, claws, fins, tentacles, hooves, and telekinesis. 1 unit for 300 credits.”

  “Interesting,” Zane mused, peering at the product being displayed. “That actually sounds useful. But it’s pretty expensive.”

  “It makes sense, though. Star-Helix Medical Laboratories is to the medical and biological sectors as Crown Corp. is to advanced utilities and hardware. They create lots of medicine and drugs, and are famous for being in charge of studying newly discovered organic species,” Rob explained.

  “Well, if I ever have 300 credits to spare I might consider getting one,” Zane mused. “I’d never misdiagnose myself again!”

  “Jubilations,” the TI droid uttered dryly. “Another commercial or two?”

  Zane spent the rest of the day browsing the exo-net, carefully making note of certain items that interested him and he’d purchase. He didn’t have a lot of time left before he had to make an initial purchase for the sake of Crown Corps.’ beta-test.

  “So, I think I the first order will be a bottle of Iron Stomach pills, two cases of Lazer Spice, and some Sparkly Sheen polish for you,” Zane decided at last.

  “Sounds good. And we’ll still have some Credits left over,” Rob state
d happily.

  “How much are we selling the wood for?” Zane asked, glancing over at his comrade.

  “The fifty planks of 2x4 willow wood is being sold for 136 credits,” Rob revealed.

  “Tha-that’s over…” Zane stammered, trying to calculate that in dollars.

  “It is worth $3151.12, and we’ll make a profit of over two thousand dollars,” Rob reported, instantly calculating the price. “Do not worry, I am more than able of managing our finances for this. Even with delivery costs, we’d only spend about half of what we make with the deal.”

  The human leaned back, stunned and more than a little overwhelmed. “…Huh. Well, neat. Gimme a sec to process this.”

  Rob graciously allowed its friend three minutes to wrap his mind around the situation.

  “So, is there anything else?” Zane asked.

  “There is the fact that this transaction technically falls under testing the long range automated delivery system Crown Corp. has developed. So we’re able to successfully count this as part of your experience as a beta-tester.”

  “That’s good, I guess. Well, I don’t know about you, but on that particular note let’s have one more commercial before dinner. How about an ad for a TV show? What sort of entertainment does the Planetary Alliance even have?”

  After narrowing down his search parameters, Zane selected the first of the advertisements, eagerly watching the video play.

  Instantly his eyes began to ache as brightly colored figures appeared, reminding Zane of early era cartoons and Japanese animation. Images and action scenes flashed before him, all but blinding the human with campiness and technicolored sugar highs.

  “Hyper-Mega Fun-Time Soldier Squad, Season 37: The World Stealers have returned from Anti-Space, hijacking planets from the Glass-House Sector! Lu’Lubo’s clone’s daughter from the future is hiding something from her teammates, causing Nuag-Sha to become a double agent for the Moonlords. And to the despair of Captain Clubol, the Sentient Planet Gargys has returned from the depths of the Warp-Zone. Get all 62 action packed episodes on one Holo-Drive special set for only 6 credits!”

  “Um, what?”

  “Oh, that’s Hype-Mega Squad, one of the most popular Children-Young Adult shows on the air,” Rob said. “It’s quite a fascinating series, though I have to admit I much prefer seasons 3, 7, and 22. They really messed up Nuag-Sha’s motivations in later episodes after season 24.”

  “Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! You’re a fanboy!” Zane cackled, pointing an accusing finger at his mechanical friend.

  “What? No! I just really like it,” Rob shouted. “You’re asleep for at least a quarter of the planet’s rotation cycle, I had to find something to do!”

  Zane kept laughing and he collapsed on the couch holding his stomach.

  “At last! I finally have something to tease you with! Ah-haha!”

  “Lies! Lies and slander!” the droid cried.

  Mirth and anguish echoed through the old house throughout the evening. Thankfully it was far enough away that most people thought the new owner was watching some humorous new TV show.

  Chapter 9

  “Thank you for using Gangmoon’s Discreet Delivery Services. We await your future deals.”

  Zane could only nod mutely as he watched a literal flying saucer quickly ascend back into the star-studded sky, vanishing from sight in moments.

  “Why was it shaped like a disc?” Zane finally managed to ask as he trudged back to the ranch house with Rob. The droid bobbled a bit, imitating a shrug.

  “Aerodynamics, of course. And partly aesthetics. The Abar, the ones who own that particular device, really like smooth edges in their designs. And to answer your next question, it’s likely purely coincidence that the Earth stereotype for alien spaceships are similar in appearance.”

  “Well, alright then. So, we’re good?”

  “Yes, we are. They took the lumber, paid upfront, and now we have the funds to purchase the goods we need.”

  Zane nodded, still in shock from seeing the evidence of alien existence. A small, withered part of him had hoped that it was all a prank or some sort of mistake. But no, the Cadillac sized automatic delivery drone had appeared from the depths of space and firmly banished the last of the human’s doubts.

  It had been nerve wracking standing in front of the machine. Even though Rob had assured him that it would record the location of the deal, the Gangmoon conglomerate was the ‘honorable’ sort of criminal enterprise. As such, they wouldn’t betray the human or droid unless the duo were already under the bus. So to speak.

  Not exactly the most reassuring of statements, but the delivery drone was gone now, leaving Zane and Rob to return home under the cover of night.

  “What should we do now?”

  “Now? Now we buy the goods, and pray to whatever entity is listening that we don’t get caught,” Rob said.

  “Wouldn’t it be safer not to do the beta-test? Couldn’t we just, I don’t know, fake a problem and have you pretend to explode or something?”

  “We both know that wouldn’t work. Crown Corp. would spare no expense recovering my remains if I ‘broke,’ and I already registered an owner, which means they have records on me, and can keep tabs on our spending activities. All we can do now is hope the gears of bureaucracy turn slowly from now on.”

  Zane sighed in defeat and agreement. “Let’s hurry back. My bed is warm and calling me.”

  The days passed by dully after that. The delivery of their purchased goods would be in one month local time, and until then they had plenty of time to find more lumber to sell and new products to find. Not to mention Zane had to prepare for Halloween.

  The human had underestimated the enthusiasm with which his neighbors and the rest of Plainsburg took the holiday.

  “Are you sure you have enough fake spider webs?” Zane joked. “The wall over near the dairy products seems to only have half an inch worth.”

  The supermarket teller snorted at that.

  “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. But we take our amusement where we can. By the way, I’d suggest sour tarts and chocolate for your candy dish.”

  “And why is that?” Zane asked as he browsed the large collection of candy.

  “We have a tradition of pranks in this town where the person who hands out the worst candy gets TP’d. Most of the kids like those Sour Buttons and anything lathered in chocolate. A fair warning for the newbie.”

  “Thank you for the heads up,” Zane said with a nervous smile. He wasn’t sure how much the clerk was pulling his leg, and the unsettling grin she was giving him didn’t help.

  He turned his attention back to the massive bags and boxes and candy when his eye caught something.

  “Chocolate covered ants?” Zane muttered, picking up a box of the aforementioned sweet.

  “Real ants, real chocolate! Perfect for the creepy crawly in you,” Zane said, reading aloud the information on the container.

  “Those are actually rather popular as a novelty snack,” the teller said happily. “Oh sure, the kiddies will squeal ‘gross’ about it, but then one of them will dare another to eat some, and then eventually they get eaten.”

  “Is that so,” Zane mused, his mind not on the antics of children but a certain azure scaled beauty.

  Did the Alliance have chocolate? Probably not, cacao plants were from Earth and he doubted they’d gotten any samples recently. Could they eat chocolate? Could Chacha eat it? Could she eat ants?

  That seemed like something he’d need to ask Rob about.

  Nodding to himself in satisfaction he bought a large amount of regular candy but included a decent batch of chocolate coated insects as well.

  “So, what do you think?”

  The droid tilted slightly, mimicking looking down at the candy to back up at his human.

  “I think you have it bad. Like, real bad. You have scale fever, boy.”

  “What?! No, I meant would Chacha be able to eat it?!” Zane spluttered. Rob chuckled softly.
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  “I don’t know. Without a device to properly analyze the components of both the ants and the chocolate, I could only make educated guesses. And frankly, educated guesses can be extremely dangerous if dealing with alien biological functions.”

  “So what you’re saying is I should wait till I’ve purchased that medical scanner thing,” Zane pushed for confirmation, and Rob nodded.

  “Exactly. Though it might be sooner than later, Zane. You see, there was recently a lumber shortage for certain hardwoods, and that means the price of our willow will go through the roof. So to speak.”

  “Gangmoon will have to pay more for our supplies, then?”

  “Exactly! I’ll see if I can convince them to include a Star-Helix Bio-organi-scanner in the next delivery in exchange for less Credits,” Rob asserted. The coder thought for a moment before nodding in agreement.

  “Sounds like a plan. See what you can do. And maybe purchase a bit more on our side this time around.”

  “Can do. So, anything else you want to do? Watch some commercials? Call your girlfriend?”

  “She’s not… you know what, never mind. Show me something on the tube,” Zane said with a weary shake of his head. Rob consented and in moments the holographic screen was playing an ad of the droid’s choice.

  A mind numbingly attractive female alien appeared before Zane. Her general outline was humanoid, but it was clear her arms and legs were triple jointed and her ‘mammalian’ traits were probably closer to acting as lungs instead of mammaries. Still, she wore an outrageously skimpy outfit and Zane felt himself flinch backwards at the overwhelming charisma she brought to bear.

  “Are you ugly? Of course you are! If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have clicked this ad! But don’t worry! We here at Valdool’s Cosmetics have a solution!”

  The sensual being undulated for the camera as she presented a number of clear plastic looking patches that even through the hologram oozed power.

  “When attracting the being you love, Pheromones don’t always work, and nothing is more embarrassing than feeding your special something an aphrodisiac only to have it react poorly with its biology. And so for you we have the Insta-Beauty Cosmetic Patch! This patch has a special adhesive that binds to flesh, chiton, scales, feathers, and metal for a full standard Galactic Day before dissolving away. When attached to the body part that houses the brain the patch creates a psychic impression field that makes you appear beautiful in the observational organs of almost any organic lifeform. 5 patches for only 150 credits!”