No Love Lost

by Lexi Blake

  “Bolognese,” she replied, hooking her arm through his as they began to move across the plaza. To her left was St. Anne’s Chapel, a small, deeply peaceful space. She liked to sit there in the afternoons. Somehow no matter how hot it got outside, the chapel always felt cool.

  “Ah, Roman’s favorite. Mine as well, though I must admit that I’ve grown fond of your alfredo sauce. Have you been into the shop this week? Anything new I would like?”

  Four years before she’d taken another chance and bought a small bookshop that specialized in antique books. Her uncle was always interested in historical texts about his order. “I’ve got a line on the journal of a knight I think you’ll love. Seventeenth century. It was recently found in the archives of a privately held castle in Germany. I managed to snatch it up at auction.”

  “Yes, I would like to study it.” He stopped in front of the gates that led from the tourist section of the fort into their residence. It was another one of those places she loved to sit because it was a short tunnel with a couple of stairs that led from the stark, military architecture of the fort into her own personal sanctuary. Well, not merely hers. Ezra lived here, and there were daily workers who kept up the grounds.

  “Hey, Mom!”

  And then there was the light of her whole life. Her son. He bounded through the gate Ezra opened, his backpack falling to the ground. He looked precious in his school uniform, and her heart clenched as she got to one knee and opened her arms. “Hey, baby.”

  She hugged her son and felt that sweetness she always got when she held him pierce through her. He’d started school two years before and every day Ezra walked him to school before either heading to the hospital he served at as a chaplain or coming back to the fort to work with her uncle. Sometimes he spent weeks in Africa with the church on various charities. She always missed him when he was gone. Ezra was good company and a positive influence on her son, who looked more and more like his father as he grew up.

  He already had his father’s intelligence.

  “I’m so glad to see you,” she whispered.

  “Brother, could you take Roman inside and get him his tea?” Ezra asked. “I think Kim made cookies earlier. I smelled something delicious. And I brought some fresh milk in this morning.”

  Normally they would all go in and have high tea together. Malta had been owned by the British in the fairly recent past, and the country still held on to some British traditions. She stood up, a little nervous because sending them in alone meant Ezra wanted to talk to her. She ruffled her baby boy’s hair and looked down into Roman’s blue eyes. They were so much like Beck’s staring back at her. “Your uncle is right. There are snickerdoodles waiting for you in the courtyard. I’ve got tea set up there since it’s such a nice day.”

  “Well, then yes, I will certainly take him,” her uncle offered because he was never one to turn down a treat. “Come along, young Roman. I will tell you all about my meeting with the pope and you can tell me about your school day. We will speak Italian.”

  “Non è l'italiano il problema,” Roman said with a sigh.

  “Well, you can’t expect me to help you with Maltese,” Uncle Francis said as they began to walk toward the domicile. “Such an odd language. Better to speak Italian. Tutti capiscono l'italiano.”

  Ezra shook his head as he watched them disappear behind the gate. “Not everyone understands Italian, and honestly, Roman’s Maltese is getting better. He’s the single smartest kid I’ve ever met. I talked to his teacher and they want to give him more challenging work. They’re not talking about promoting him early, but they don’t want him to get bored. He was working on an algebra problem earlier today and didn’t want to be bothered with physical activities.”

  She frowned his way. “Whose fault is that?”

  Ezra grinned, a youthful expression. “Math is fun. And you’re the one who had him reading at the age of three.”

  “Like I could stop him.” Her son was a force of nature. “Is that why you wanted to talk?”

  He moved to a bench among the gorgeous beds of Sicilian marigolds the gardeners had planted earlier in the season. They were in full bloom now, a lovely sea of yellow blossoms. Roman had been out here during his school break, helping the workers plant and learning all he could. He was a sponge, and living with two men dedicated to study hadn’t hurt either.

  “No, I wanted to talk to you about something else. I went by the bookstore,” he said, settling down and leaving room for her. “You’ve been in a couple of times this week.”

  She had a small staff who worked the retail portion of the business. Her shop was within walking distance of the fort, with beautiful views of the marina and all the boats coming in and out of the bay. She loved walking down the winding path to the marina, the sun on her face and the wind in her hair. Only one other place in the world had ever called to her like this one, and she would never see Bliss, Colorado, again.

  But she had her bookshop, and her son was thriving. She oddly didn’t miss the adrenaline of working as an operative. Now she used her investigative skills tracking down books. She’d gotten damn good at being the last one standing when a particularly old text went to auction. She’d often tangled with some dude who owned a store in Copenhagen, but she usually came out on top.

  “I went in because Anna was sick, and I didn’t want to have to close up,” she admitted. “It was a cruise ship day and you know how the tourists love the front of the shop.”

  The front of the shop was filled with touristy knickknacks and postcards and books about Malta and the Knights. And Roman’s favorite part of the shop—the chest she kept filled with sodas and water and ice cream treats for hot days.

  “I had some time to kill before I picked up Roman,” Ezra said. “I went by the shop to grab a water and Anna told me a man came in and asked about you.”

  A chill went up her spine. “He asked for me by name? My real name?”

  Naturally the shop was held in a corporate name that she was fairly certain couldn’t be traced back to her. Even her employees didn’t know her real last name.

  “No, he asked about the tall blonde.”

  She breathed a sigh of pure relief. “Good. I’m sure it’s nothing. Like I said, I went in last week for a few hours and talked to some of the customers. A couple of the guys hit on me. It’s kind of nice to know I still have it.”

  Ezra’s eyes rolled. “You’re a gorgeous woman and you know it. If you weren’t so cautious, you could have had many relationships by now.”

  “I have the only one I need,” she replied with a sense of satisfaction.

  “You’re not just a mother. You’re going to need more.”

  “Oh, you thought I meant Roman. No. I was talking about my body wand,” she replied with a grin. “I’ve got a great relationship with that. Give me a glass of wine and that wand and I’m in for a good night.”

  Ezra’s head dropped back and he groaned. “I do not need to hear about that.”

  She enjoyed teasing her brother-in-law. She still thought of him that way. But she sobered slightly. “Do you miss it?”

  “Sex?” Ezra sighed and sat back. “Sometimes. But what I do now fills me in a way sex never could. I know you worry I’m punishing myself or doing some sort of penance for my crimes, but I’m more settled than I’ve ever been. We make choices in our life and I’m content with this one. You sending me to your uncle saved my life.”

  And ruined a part of hers, but she’d come to peace with that. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. I wouldn’t worry about the man at the shop, but I can go through the CCTV feed tomorrow. I’m going in to inspect a couple of books that came in this afternoon. Anna said this was yesterday?”

  “Earlier today. I would feel better if you did. I don’t know. I’ve been feeling antsy lately.”

  She cocked a brow his way because he should know why. The anniversary of his “death” was rapidly approaching. It was the one time she worried that he might fall back into his old habits. She
always made sure she spent time with him during this week.

  “It’s not about that,” Ezra countered. “Or maybe it is. I’m feeling guilty. I should never have brought you into this. It should have been between me and my brother.”

  She reached out and took his hand. He and her uncle had been a good family for her. Ezra had become her closest friend, the brother she’d never had. It had been Ezra’s hand in hers when she’d given birth to Roman. “You had your reasons and honestly, I think it would have been one thing or another between me and Beck. We weren’t meant to be.”

  “I don’t know about that. When you were with him you glowed.”

  “And I don’t now?”

  He smiled, a wistful expression. “You know you do. You glow every time you look at Roman. You glow when you’re in love.”

  “I’m not in love with Beck anymore,” she admitted. “I didn’t run from him because I hoped he would find me. I ran because I couldn’t live like that another day. I need you to understand that I genuinely hope he’s found someone. I hope he’s found the right woman for him, the one who can bring him some peace. I’m like you, Ezra. I’ve found my peace. It’s not perfect, but I’ll take it.”

  “For now, I hope.” He squeezed her hand and then let go. “I hate the thought of you being alone. At some point your uncle will retire and we’ll have to move on from this place. I’ll be reassigned, though I suppose I could always leave the church.”

  She didn’t want that for him. He found peace and satisfaction in his job. “I bought the building my store is in. If it comes to it, Roman and I will move into one of the apartments.”

  “I’m worried he’s still out there. The man who was coming after you, that is.”

  “It’s been seven years.” She’d kept track of Levi for a while. At least once a year she did a deep dive on the man who’d burned her whole life down. It was a little sad that she no longer kept up with the man she’d been married to, but she kept an eye on the one she hated. “He’s gotten pretty much everything he wanted.”

  “He wanted you.”

  That was where Ezra was confused. He didn’t understand the nature of Levi Green. “He wanted power more. He’s getting married, you know. He’s marrying a highly connected woman. She’s the daughter of the vice president, who will likely be the president when the next election cycle is over. He’s left operative status. He doesn’t need to go into the field anymore. He has whole teams at his command. That’s the kind of power he thought being married to me would get him. Or rather marrying into my family.”

  His lips kicked up in a rueful smile. When he smiled like that she saw Beck. “I’m always surprised when a mention of your family comes up. Beck never talked about how connected you are.”

  “Beck never cared. When we divorced he could have walked away with millions.” It had oddly been one more kick in the gut. He hadn’t wanted anything from her. “I didn’t have him sign a pre-nup. And you of all people should be happy for all those connections.”

  “You can imagine how grateful I am,” Ezra replied, emotion in his voice. “And then you can multiply it by ten and not come close to how much I owe you. That’s why I’m going to talk to you about something that will be uncomfortable. I think you should reach out to Beck.”

  She sat up straighter, her spine going stiff, almost as though she felt the sudden need to physically defend herself. “Why would you say that?”

  “Because Roman is starting to ask questions. Because Beck has the right to know he has a son. If Levi Green is no longer a threat, I think we should contact Beck and invite him to come out here. Beck has the right to know I’m alive.” He stared at the flowers that surrounded them. “He has the right to face me and accuse me and hate me.”

  Her fear deflated a bit. “Is that what this is really about? I know you think you need to face him, but that’s more about you than him. Do you really want to uproot whatever life he’s made for himself because you need closure? He’s got it.”

  “If it was only about me, I would say you’re right and that seeking him out again is a selfish act,” Ezra replied. “I will admit that I miss my brother. But this is not merely about me. It’s about Roman.”

  The fear was back, and it mingled with an anger she thought she’d gotten over a long time ago. She stood up. “He told me flat out he didn’t want a child of mine. He was happy we’d never had kids.”

  “Beck says a lot in anger that he doesn’t mean.”

  “Another reason to keep my son away from him.”

  Sometimes it was easy to forget Ezra Fain was an ordained priest and that he was serious about his faith. Often he was merely her friend and brother-in-law. This was not one of those times. He gave her the same look he gave people who didn’t behave around mourning families in the hospital where he worked. “Becoming a parent is one of the life events that can change a person, that can allow growth. He didn’t have that chance. I agreed with you in the beginning. You were in danger and reaching out to him would have put you in more danger at a perilous time.”

  It had been such an odd time. She’d made it to Malta a few weeks before travel had been shut down due to the pandemic that raged across the globe for more than a year. Sometimes she was sure the pandemic and all the chaos it had wrought was the very reason no one had managed to find her. She’d given birth during that time, in a country that was a short distance from one of the epicenters. “He couldn’t have come here anyway. No one could.”

  “The world is healthy again,” he prodded. “It has been for years. There’s no reason to not gently reach out. Carefully, of course. I’ll be with you. I’m not going to let you go through this alone, but I think it might be time.”

  She couldn’t. She couldn’t even think about Beck. She was happy. Her life was peaceful, and injecting him back into it would spark a fire she couldn’t put out. “I am a different person, Ezra. He brings out the worst in me. I do the same for him. I can’t put my son through that. I don’t know how he’ll react to Roman. He could have his own kids by now.”

  “He doesn’t.”

  “How would you know?”

  “Because our cousins don’t keep a lock on their social media and I monitor their pages,” he admitted. “Beck was at a family reunion recently and he was alone. One of our cousin’s friends asked about him in the comments and was told that Beck is the family hermit. He’s living in Dallas and working with McKay-Taggart. From what my cousin said he doesn’t date at all. He’s going by his own name again.”

  She hated the fact that her first impulse was to go to the computer and look him up, see his pictures, stare at them and see if she could pick out the changes the years had brought. She’d known he was in Dallas, but she’d imagined he’d moved on.

  How would he react? Just because he wasn’t dating didn’t mean he was still thinking about her with anything but anger. He might blame her for his lack of a love life. He’d blamed her for everything else.

  She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not giving him a chance to savage me again. He made himself plain that night.”

  Ezra stood and gave her what she liked to think of as his “peaceful, but I’m disappointed” look. “All right. I’ll let you sit with the thought for a while. I’ll help Roman with his Maltese this evening. He’s got a quiz coming up. Will you let me go with you to his teacher conference next week?”

  He was asking her if she would punish him for bringing up Beck’s name. “I would love it if you would come with me. You know they’re always nicer when I bring a priest in.”

  He nodded. “Then let’s enjoy tea. I’m sure Brother Francis brought back some treats from his trip. I heard from Anna that we have a shipment coming in soon. Let me know when and I’ll try to make sure I can be there to help.”

  It was what he did. He helped, and he was only trying to do that now. But she wasn’t ready. “Thank you. I will think about what you said.”

  She started down the path that led from the gardens to hom
e at the top of the fort. They walked through the arched doors that once would have kept potential invaders from the inner sanctum, a gentle breeze caressing her skin as she heard her son laughing in the courtyard at something her uncle had said.

  Life was peaceful. It was good. She couldn’t risk that.

  “And don’t forget to check the CCTV,” Ezra reminded her. “I know it’s probably nothing, but I would like to make sure. I think you still have very good instincts about people.”

  She forced herself to smile as they started toward the big covered patio. It was one of her favorite spaces because almost no one was allowed behind those gates. The gardens were open from time to time for special tourist groups, but the residence was private. Occasionally they would have guests from the Vatican, but she’d found they mostly ignored her.

  “Of course.”

  “Kim, I’m sorry if I upset you. I genuinely thought you were in a place where we could talk about him,” Ezra said as they approached the shaded space where her uncle and son were already enjoying tea and snacks.

  Her son ran out, speaking in rapid Italian about the science kit his great uncle had found for him in Rome.

  She let him lead her under the shade and tried to forget that the minute she’d found out his father was still single, something in her heart had leapt at the thought.

  She squashed it ruthlessly and joined her family because she was over Beckett Kent.

  She really was.

  Chapter Eight

  Beck forced himself to walk when all he wanted to do was run in like a crazy person, force Tag to tell him where Kim was, and go get her.

  It was more complicated than that. He had to think about what was best for Kim. Levi was still out there, and that fucker played a long game. Beck didn’t care that Levi was engaged. He knew the man would still want Kim. They had to be careful.

  He strode to the office and stopped at the door because he realized he’d left his keycard in his truck. He glanced through the heavy glass doors and frowned because the normal receptionist was not at the desk. It was Yasmin’s lunch hour. Normally that meant one of the guys took over. Instead there was a thirteen-year-old girl sitting at the front desk, staring at her overly bedazzled phone. The Taggart kids had been coming into the office all week because it was summer break and their camps hadn’t started yet. Tag believed in his kids learning the business. Or he believed in free labor. She grinned at something and he realized which Tag twin he was dealing with. At least it was the reasonable one.