No Love Lost

by Lexi Blake

  “Yes, because he knew he could get the drugs he needed and no one would bat an eye as long as he did his part.”

  “His part being helping to run drugs in the area. My do-gooder, go-to-mass-every-week brother did this.” His hands were on his hips, a look of utter disbelief on his face.

  She wasn’t sure how to make him believe her. “Why would I lie to you at this point?”

  “That’s a very good question and I can think of a couple of answers. One is that you got caught. You got caught working with Levi. Again. And you were working against my best interest.”

  She started to reply but he held up a hand.

  “No, I get to finish. Two. Levi was the one running drugs and he was your friend, so you helped him cover it up and you made my brother the scapegoat.” He started moving toward her, ice in his eyes where a mere hour before he’d looked at her with such tenderness.

  But this was the nature of Beck’s beast. He was the sweetest man until his anger took over, and then he could brutalize her with words.

  “Did you send my brother in to die to protect Levi? I know he was your close friend back then. Did you have to choose between your friend and my brother?”

  “No, but I won’t be able to convince you. You’re judge, jury, and executioner, and you always have been.” He hadn’t even given her a chance to try to explain. Three days after his brother’s death, he’d moved out, and she hadn’t heard from him again until he’d sent her divorce papers. He hadn’t fought for their marriage. He’d decided she wasn’t worth fighting for and he’d moved on.

  He pointed to the computer. “How else am I supposed to make sense of this? You hid an entire investigation from me.”

  “We knew we would have to keep secrets when we got married. We both worked for the Agency and that meant putting a wall up when it came to certain missions. It was classified and beyond that, Ezra didn’t want you to know he was using drugs. He begged me. I was worried if I told you, he would hurt himself. He couldn’t deal with the shame you would have heaped on him.” She felt every bit as helpless now as she had then.

  His jaw went tight and he started to pace like a lion in a cage. “So now this is my fault? I’m the bad guy here? Apparently I was the only one who wasn’t doing something criminal. If you knew my brother was doing drugs and you didn’t pull him off of his team, you’re just as bad as him. He was the fucking medic.”

  She was screwed. It didn’t matter which way she went. This was always how they ended. “I was trying to protect him the only way I could. By that time there were some bad people after him.”

  “So you took his team on an op and decided it would be better to let him die?” His face was an angry mask.

  “I’m done, Beck.” If she talked much more the real truth would come out, and she suddenly realized it wouldn’t save her. It would bury her deeper, and she would have given up a piece of her soul.

  “You’re not done. This is now an investigation of you, and if you don’t want me to turn you over to Levi, you’ll comply with everything I tell you to do. And no, I’m not going to touch you again, so you can get that straight out of your head. You’re the same snake I always knew you were. The stupid thing is I’d convinced myself we had a chance. That pretty pussy of yours made me think you could do no wrong and I was the one who fucked up. I was actually thinking about a future with you, about kids and a house.”

  “Well, it’s good that you know the truth then.”

  “Yeah, because wouldn’t you make a hell of a mother. You’d be exactly like your own. You’d use that kid to make yourself look respectable, but you wouldn’t give a shit.”

  Something inside her died in that moment, some light that had started to flicker back to life.

  He went quiet as though he realized he’d gone too far, but the damage had been done.

  She turned away. “I’m going to bed.”

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” he said on a sigh. “I’m mad and I’m struggling to understand.”

  She nodded. “You’ll figure it out. You always do.”

  She would be the bad guy. It was the role she played in his life and she was done.

  “I’m not joking about the investigation,” he said, his tone back to commanding. “I’m going to find out what happened then, and you are going to tell me everything you know.”

  Sure she would. He thought that because for the most part she’d been indulgent with him. She’d dealt with his anger because she’d loved him, and she’d thought somewhere deep down that she could fix him. In some ways he was every bit as bad as Levi. He thought he loved her when what he mostly did was hurt her.

  She’d done things she wasn’t proud of, done things she deserved his scorn for, but she’d loved him. She’d wanted the best for him even if it meant sacrificing.

  “Of course.” She would agree to anything to get away from him. She needed to plan because she couldn’t stay with him. She had no one who would help her. Well, no one she could call. There was one person in all the world who couldn’t deny her aid.

  “I’m going down for a run,” he said. “There’s a treadmill on the second floor. I shouldn’t talk to you when I’m this angry. I need to burn some of this off and then maybe I can look at you and be somewhat civil.”

  He wouldn’t have to look at her ever again. Drake had been very correct in what he’d said. She had resources Beck didn’t know about.

  She stood and watched him walk away from her and planned her escape.

  In the end, it was easy. She packed a small bag, put a hoodie on, and walked out the door. The security system gave her a full minute before the alarm went off, and that was more than enough time to get lost on the streets of Paris.

  She made her way to the apartment she kept and took the chance to enter. It took her exactly five minutes to get to the safe, get the cash, gun, and passport she kept there. She was hiding in the tree in the back of the building when Beck got there. She waited until he’d strode out, yelling at someone on his cell.

  When she was sure he was gone, she walked to the road and hitched a ride out of town. From there she took a train to the south of France and chartered a small plane to take her into Italy. Every now and then she would feel eyes on her and change direction. She knew Beck had found her once when she recognized one of the McKay-Taggart guys at a train station in Turin, but she managed to elude him.

  Two weeks after she’d left Paris she felt comfortable enough to take the ferry from Catania, Sicily, to her final destination, the tiny island nation of Malta. The ferry landed in Valletta and she took a cab to the Birgu waterfront and walked to the base of Fort Saint Angelo. It was late and she jumped the fence that barred her access to the long winding path that led to the top of the fort.

  The sun was slipping into the Mediterranean as she made it to the top. A lone figure stood, blocking her path.

  “Kim?” a familiar voice asked. “Is that you?”

  She stood in front of the man who owed her everything. “Yes. It’s me. I need some help.”

  He stepped toward her and she could see the collar around his neck that denoted he was a priest. The real Ezra Fain held his arms open. “Of course. What’s my brother done now? He’s the only one who could put that look on your face.”

  She hugged the man who had been her brother-in-law and let the tears fall.

  She knew in that moment that she would never love another man.

  She was wrong.

  Part Two

  Seven Years Later

  Chapter Seven

  Dallas, TX

  Beckett Kent sat back in the comfy chair Kai kept in his office and briefly wondered how many sad sacks like himself had sat in this very chair. How many had come through this peaceful office and found a way to move forward with their lives? “Am I your oldest patient?”

  Kai frowned, looking at him over the glasses he wore when he was working. “Absolutely not. I’ve got a couple of patients in their seventies. You know the need for ment
al health doesn’t go away just because you age.”

  He chuckled. “I meant who else has been coming here every week for seven years.”

  “Ah.” Kai closed his notebook, a sure sign that their time was almost up. Kai often spent the last ten minutes of their sessions simply talking. “No. You don’t win that contest either. I’ve got a couple of guys I’ve been seeing for ten years. There’s no shame in it.”

  He knew that deep down. He’d worked hard, harder than he’d ever worked to get past that volcanic rage that had blown up his world not once but twice.

  “Are you thinking about her today?” Kai asked quietly.

  Beck nodded. “Yeah. I mean I think about her every day, but it’s been rough this week. You would think after seven years she wouldn’t be the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thought I have before I go to sleep, but there it is.”

  “You lost her,” Kai pointed out. “That’s hard to get over.”

  “No. I pushed her away. I threw her away.” There was the real shame, but he’d come to realize that shame could be productive. Shame had driven him to come to Dallas, to show up on Kai’s doorstep after he’d realized he wasn’t going to find her. She’d run and hid from him as much as she’d hidden from Levi Green.

  “Did you just think his name?” Kai had a knowing smile on his face.

  Beck sighed. He’d managed to deal with a lot of his anger issues, but Levi Green still had the ability to make him see red. It didn’t help that the fucker was living the good life in DC, moving up steadily through the ranks at the Agency. He wouldn’t be surprised if Green was one day moved into a directorate position. Now, from what he’d been told, the fucker was planning a wedding. “Yes. Sorry. I know it was my fault Kim ran. It’s my fault she’s been in hiding for seven years. But I can’t help but hate that man. I’m the one who let him come between Kim and myself, but I can’t let go of my anger toward him.”

  He would never let go of that.

  “Some therapists would tell you to work on that,” Kai pointed out. “But you know how I feel. Anger can be healthy. Anger can be productive. What we’ve always been doing here is working on giving you control over your anger. I often think some people are born with a well of rage inside them, and it’s like a fire. It can burn out of control and wreck everything around it. Or it can bring warmth and light where there was none. Human rights, justice, these are all things that were made possible by anger properly directed to bring about change.”

  Confronting his own anger had changed him in numerous ways, but it hadn’t changed the fact that his wife was still out there, still hiding. It hadn’t changed the fact that he hadn’t found the evidence he needed to acquit her and give her back her life.

  Kai leaned forward, taking off his glasses and putting them on the table beside his chair. In the years since Beck had joined McKay-Taggart there had been many changes, but the only age he could see on his therapist was a bit of gray at his temples. “Do you have any idea how far you’ve come, Beck?”

  “Not far enough,” he said wistfully. “Although I suppose going by my real name again is a step in the right direction.”

  He didn’t even think of himself as Ezra anymore. For a long time, he’d fooled himself into playing the part, even in his head. But Kai had helped him realize how destructive it was.

  “The anniversary of your brother’s death is coming up. How are you feeling about that?” Kai asked softly.

  He still hated it when Kai put him in a corner and made him want to fight his way out. He didn’t want to talk about these particular feelings, but he knew if he didn’t they would bottle up again. “Angry. Sad. Weary. I still feel anger when I think of my brother, and that makes me understand fully why Kim kept that secret. She knew how I would respond. But I’m still mad at my brother for asking her to keep the secret in the first place.”

  “He was desperate.”

  On this point, he would not be moved. “She should never have been placed in that position. He should have come to me. I know I can be self-righteous and judgmental, but I never would have told my brother I wouldn’t help him.”

  “Addicts do awful things to protect their addiction.”

  It was still so hard to think of his brother that way, but he’d come to understand that Kim had been telling him the truth. “I wish I’d had a chance to help him.”

  “I do, too.” Kai sat up, obviously changing the subject. “So have you given any thought to dating? The last time we talked Charlotte was trying to set you up with one of the new hires.”

  He didn’t want to be set up and he’d decided that was all right. “Everyone is trying to do that. I recently went to a family reunion and my cousin has been trying to set me up with her single friends. At least I only have to email my replies to her. Charlotte is much harder to say no to.”

  “But you did say no to her,” Kai prompted.

  “Yes. The woman she’s trying to set me up with seems wonderful, but I’m still in love with Kim. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone I date.”

  “You can’t go the rest of your life without sex.”

  He didn’t see why not. “I can take care of myself in this, Kai.” He did. Often. And every single time he closed his eyes and gripped his own cock, he saw her face, felt her arms around him. “I know you think I’m punishing myself, but I’ve moved past that. I’m making a decision to…I don’t know…hope. I’m making a conscious decision to have some faith that I’ll see her again, that I’ll get a third chance with her. I want to be ready for it.”

  “And if she’s moved on?”

  “If she’s happy and taken care of, I’ll walk away because she deserves that. But deep in my soul, I think she’s still as alone as I am.” They were soul mates. He was the one who’d broken the pact between them. “I can’t move on until I know she doesn’t need me, until I stand in front of her and apologize and tell her how much I love her. It doesn’t matter what she’s done in the time we’ve been apart. If she took a lover, I’ll hope she got what she needed out of it. I just need to know I did one thing right by her.”

  Kai smiled. “And that is why I say you’ve come so far.”

  There was a knock on the door, and it flew open a mere second later. Kori Ferguson rushed in, followed by three of the scruffiest dogs he’d ever seen. He’d spent a lot of time sitting and petting those mutts. Kori was Kai’s wife and ran the business side of the clinic they’d built up over the last decade. It had started with Kai in a single room connected to the club Sanctum. Over the years he’d added two more therapists, one who specialized in PTSD and one who ran family and marriage counseling. The Ferguson clinic worked directly with the VA to help Dallas veterans and their families get the help they needed. Kori ran the office and had a side business training therapy dogs.

  “Kai, is Beck still…” She caught sight of him. “Good, you’re here. Big Tag’s been calling you.”

  “Sorry. I don’t bring my cell phone into the therapy room.” It was the one hour a week that was strictly for him. If he was working out and someone needed him, he dropped the weights and got to work. Sleep could be disturbed. He didn’t even like days off and rarely took vacations, but this hour was sacred.

  This was the hour when he felt like he was doing something that would make her proud.

  “He wants you to get to the office as soon as possible. He told me to tell you that he knows you still have a couple of minutes with Kai, but he’s got news.” Kori was a bit breathless, her brown and gold hair in a curly halo around her head. “Do you think that means he’s found something?”

  He was on his feet in a heartbeat. Tag knew how important this time was. There was only one reason he would interrupt this session. “He’s found her.”

  He ran out the door.

  * * * *

  Fort Saint Angelo, Malta

  Kim Solomon took a deep breath and looked out over the Mediterranean. It was late afternoon and in the distance she could see travelers boarding a cruise
ship. They’d likely spent the day in Valletta, looking through the quaint shops or taking historical tours and learning a bit about the history of her tiny island home. The gateway to Europe. Sicily was a hundred miles to the north while Africa was three hours south and east.

  And Dallas was roughly a full day’s flight away. And another world. Beck was in Dallas. She’d figured that out a year into her sojourn here. It had been a risk to go looking for him, even on the Internet, but she’d felt the need. He was working for Big Tag. Hopefully he was content.

  She felt the late afternoon sun on her face as she looked down at the last of the tourists strolling over the ramparts of the fort. This was her favorite time of day because this was the time when she was reunited with the love of her life.

  “You are waiting on the boy?”

  She turned and smiled at the man who’d tolerated her presence for seven years. “Uncle Francis. You’re back. It’s good to see you again.”

  He’d been at the Vatican for meetings for over a week. Her uncle, known in his order as Brother Francis Bruno, was in his early seventies but had the energy of a much younger man. He was THE knight of Malta, officially tasked with keeping the base here in Malta, though the actual order had moved to Rome decades before and now formed one of the smallest principalities in the world. Despite the hefty title of knight, Brother Francis preferred Bermuda shorts, Cuban shirts, and flip-flops. He would say that he could do God’s work while being comfortable. He leaned in and gave her a kiss on each cheek. “And you, darling girl. I’m glad to be back and away from all those Italian fuddy-duddies.”

  He was Italian. He was actually a second cousin, but he was so much older she’d always called him uncle. He liked to complain about pretty much all nationalities. For a humanitarian who had worked across the globe, he could be a bit dour. “That’s what you always say. Well, I’m glad I made a double batch of pasta.”

  Uncle Francis patted his belly. “You’ve gotten so good at it. What kind of sauce are you making?”