“I don’t know.” Hayden let out a long breath. “I’m confused. The things Stephen told me, I really thought I was saving a crazy old lady from herself. But some of what she says makes sense.”
Andrew made a face. “You’re going to give up processed foods? I saw you make a beeline for the donut table.”
“So did you.” Hayden grinned, but Andrew shrugged. Apparently, they weren’t going to be bonding over a shared love of donuts.
“My business is my business. But you want to take away the farm, which makes any of your business all of our business. Whatever your questions are, whatever your doubts, don’t share them with Caroline. Don’t give her hope. I am standing in the church yard, and I am promising you with everything that I have in me, if I see one tear in her eyes because of you, you will not be able to endure the pain I put in your life. Am I clear?”
Hayden swallowed. Between threats of old lady Kung Fu, Andrew’s wrath, and even Caroline’s wishes, he’d be a fool to even talk to Caroline at this point. But there was something between them, a pull Hayden couldn’t explain.
“I understand,” Hayden said slowly, a tightness in his chest he’d never experienced before.
As Andrew started to leave, Hayden stopped him. “I just have one question.”
“What?”
“What if I decided that I did want a relationship with Caroline?”
Andrew looked him up and down. Some of the menacing expression had left, replaced with something a little more thoughtful.
“Seriously?”
Hayden shrugged. “I’m not sure yet, because all that you said is true. But, if I found a way to make it all work, to make Caroline and I work, what would it take for your blessing?”
The pinched lip expression on Andrew’s face reminded him a lot of Caroline. Whether it was a genetic trait passed on through the cousins, or the result of them growing up together, Hayden didn’t know, but he was learning that the look wasn’t always a bad thing.
“I’m not sure you can.” Andrew gestured at the church. “That is the only thing that got any of us through the tough times. But it’s clear you don’t believe. You can’t make yourself believe in something that big just to get a girl. If it’s not in your whole being, then you’re wasting everyone’s time.”
As much as Andrew acted like it was an insurmountable obstacle, Hayden wasn’t so sure. The sermon about God’s love mirrored a lot of what Caroline had been trying to tell him.
Andrew seemed to sense Hayden’s thoughts, because he continued. “You’d have to quit your job. What you do goes against everything we believe in, and I’m not sure that’s compatible with the life we live.”
Meaning, he’d have to give up everything he’d been working for. Hayden nodded slowly, but inside, he could feel the tiny pieces of hope dissolving into nothingness.
“And then, you’d have to move here. Pack up your fancy house, probably a condo, because that’s what successful guys like you and me have, trade in your sports car for a pickup truck, and wear jeans instead of those designer duds.”
Hayden stared at him. “Wait a second. Guys like us? What did you do that was so successful? I thought you lived in a tiny house.”
“I do.” Andrew grew quiet for a moment, frowning. “When I graduated high school, I moved to Seattle, went to college, worked for one of the top accounting firms, had a nice condo overlooking the water, drove a sweet little Audi convertible, gorgeous fiancée with a rock to prove my status, man I had it all.”
Andrew shook his head as he grinned. “But like that, my world turned upside down. And I realized that no wealth, no status, none of those things that people say you need were worth it. So I sold it all and moved home. And I’ve never been happier. But that’s my story, not yours. You have to figure out what’s valuable to you. If you’re not willing to do all those things for Caroline, then you don’t deserve her.”
Once again, Andrew started to walk away.
“Wait.”
Andrew stopped.
“What happened to your fiancée?”
“She died, man. She died.” Andrew kept walking.
This time, Hayden let him. As much as he wanted to look back on their conversation as just an overprotective cousin, he realized the wisdom in the other man’s words as having come from painful experience.
But what Andrew didn’t understand was that Hayden’s life had been all about pain. And all Hayden was trying to do was get to a place where none of that hurt anymore.
As he rounded the building back to the front of the church, Hayden spied Caroline talking to the pastor.
The truth was, even though Andrew seemed to suggest that Hayden’s curiosity about the religion was about wanting to get close to Caroline, there was another piece. The place in Hayden’s heart that kept wondering if it was possibly true that there was a such thing as unconditional love.
Even though Caroline claimed to be all about unconditional love, Andrew had made it clear there were all sorts of conditions on Caroline’s heart.
So what was it, then? Hayden wanted to dismiss it as a bunch of crazy talk, like half the stuff that came out of the old lady’s mouth. But not all of it was crazy. When Hayden got up in the middle of the night with his usual insomnia, Enid had made him tea with some of the herbs from her garden, and he’d gone right to sleep.
He had to find out the truth for himself. Again, the what-if plagued his mind. His phone beeped with a text from his father. Any progress?
He’d overheard Caroline telling Allie that she wished her parents would just ask how she was doing, just because they cared. Had his father ever done that for him?
Not much, he texted back. But I’m learning a lot about what makes these people tick, so I think that will be helpful.
Fine.
Not the best answer, but at least it wasn’t a lecture on what a disappointment he was. Hayden sent a final text. Hope you have a great rest of the day.
It was tempting to add, I love you, but he and his dad were never ones to say things like that. Even the small personal remark Hayden had just left was a stretch.
You too.
Maybe it was silly for his heart to skip a beat at the small exchange, but for Hayden, it felt like the start of something. A glimmer of hope that maybe his dad wasn’t lost to him after all.
Chapter 6
Caroline saw Andrew’s retreat from the side of the church where she’d been talking to Hayden. Great. Another person warning Hayden off. At least this one didn’t involve firearms or a baseball bat. She glanced over at Andrew’s truck to be sure. Yup. His rifle was still safely stowed in the gun rack above the back seat.
As for the baseball bat, Caroline could only hope that her cousin had learned a little more subtlety than he’d had in high school.
“Is everything all right?” Pastor Harris asked.
“Sorry.” Caroline smiled at him. “I think my cousin is playing overprotective big brother again.”
“That nice young man who came with your family to church?” He scanned the dwindling crowd. “I’d like to meet him.”
“Hayden. Yes. He’s here as part of my father’s plan to convince Gram to sell the farm and turn it into some luxury resort. I think Gram is hoping to convince Hayden that he’s wrong to want to change things.”
Hayden was coming towards them. “And you’re in luck. It looks like he’s on his way over. Just go easy on him. He’s already had a run-in with Mona, and by the way he and Andrew looked a few minutes earlier, I think Andrew let him have it too.”
Pastor Harris grinned. “So what you’re saying is I’ll either be doing a wedding or a funeral come fall.”
“Hush! He’ll hear you.”
The older man just chuckled, shaking his head as he stepped forward to shake Hayden’s hand. “Hello there. I’m told you’re visiting Bigby Farm.”
“Yes, sir.”
Caroline noticed the warm greeting Hayden gave the pastor, and how Hayden seemed genuinely interested in c
onnecting with him. She could feel Andrew’s eyes on them, almost like a warning. Great.
“If you gentleman will excuse me for a moment,” Caroline gave them both a smile and went to talk to her cousin.
“I saw you have a little chat with Hayden. What gives?”
“I don’t like the way he looks at you.”
Caroline shook her head. “Looks at me, how?”
“Like a man who sees a woman he wants.”
She glanced over at Hayden, who appeared to be deep in conversation with Pastor Harris, oblivious to the fact that he was the topic of discussion. Certainly not fixated on Caroline.
“We talked about it, it’s not going to happen. Just because a man wants a woman, doesn’t mean he’s going to chase after her. And just because a woman’s being chased, doesn’t mean she’s going to fall for his game.”
Andrew nodded slowly. “I know. But this guy... and you... there’s something there. I can’t let you get hurt again.”
As Andrew spoke, Caroline’s attention went back to Hayden, where Pastor Harris had laid his hands on him and was praying over him. Pastor Harris would never touch another person, or even pray over them like that, without permission. It wasn’t just for Caroline’s sake that she was glad to see Hayden at least accepting prayer, but also because she’d sensed a deep loneliness in him, one that could only be filled by Christ.
The thing Andrew didn’t understand about Caroline and Hayden was that in many ways, Hayden reminded her of herself, and the things she’d gone through over the years in dealing with her father. Andrew had never lain awake at night, wondering what was so wrong with him that his own father couldn’t love him. But Caroline would bet anything that Hayden had.
“You can’t keep your eyes off him, can you?”
She forced her gaze back to Andrew. “Sorry. Look, I know you mean well, but this just feels different to me.”
The breeze kicked up, and Caroline rubbed her arms. The feeling she’d had back in the barn came back to her. “I know this sounds crazy, but I think God put me in Hayden’s life for a reason, and while I’m not going to let Hayden use me, I’ve got to let God do whatever He’s doing.”
Andrew nodded slowly, like he understood, but didn’t like it. Caroline didn’t like it much either, especially when she saw Mona push Gram over to Hayden and Pastor Harris. The two old ladies joined them in prayer.
“You think he’s for real,” Andrew asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Jack went to church with you guys, said all the right things, and all that time—”
“Stop.” Caroline glared at her cousin. “Don’t you think I don’t know that? That I don’t replay every single one of those moments, trying to figure out how I missed the signs? I don’t have any answers, but I do know that I didn’t feel the Lord’s hand on that situation the way I do now.”
Then Caroline took a deep breath. “And I don’t think this is just about Hayden. Every time I talk to him about... Things... I have the overwhelming conviction that I need to reach out to my parents and mend fences.”
Andrew closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. A Bigby trait, according to her father. It’s what they all did when faced with an uncomfortable truth that they had no choice but to accept.
Then he let out a long breath and looked at her. “I’ll be praying for you, then. If you need me, I’m here.”
Caroline nodded. “Thanks. I know we don’t do all the mushy stuff, but I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you.”
Tears filled her eyes, and even though she knew it would make Andrew slightly uncomfortable, she hugged him. He hugged her back, and the peace of having connection with another human being who cared about you filled her.
Andrew pulled away first, then looked at her solemnly. “But if he hurts you, I will make him pay.”
“Understood.”
The others had ceased their prayer and were making their way towards them.
“Mona wants to go eat at that new place on Main Street,” Gram said as soon as they were in range.
“It’s good,” Andrew told her. “I think you’ll like it.”
Caroline gave her an apologetic look. “I’d love to go, but I was thinking I’d head across the bridge to Twin Falls and visit with my parents.”
Gram stared at her, but Andrew put his arm around her shoulder.
“Gram, I’ve been thinking and praying. And you know, I think it really hurts Mom’s feelings when you point out how different she is. Which made me realize that it hurts my feelings that they don’t accept me for being different. And that got me to thinking that maybe, if I just reached out to them and tried loving them for who they are instead of being mad all the time that they can’t love me the way I want them to, that, well, that’s what I think God wants me to do, so I have to try.”
Caroline’s heart thundered in her chest. She’d just called Gram out in a way, and most people never did, because most of the time, Gram was right and they were wrong, and it ended up turning ugly fast. But Gram nodded thoughtfully.
“I suppose I can be hard on them. I have my reasons, but I can see where you’d see it that way. And if the Lord is prodding you to reach out, then you’d best do it.”
“I’d like to join you, if that’s all right,” Hayden said.
Andrew’s arm stiffened on Caroline’s shoulder. Given their talk a few moments ago, the only thing that would be all right with Andrew would be to ship Hayden off to the nearest deserted island — permanently. But Hayden’s struggles were the reason he needed to come.
“I’d like that, thanks,” Caroline said, smiling at him as she withdrew from Andrew’s grasp.
She glanced up at Andrew. “I promise we won’t talk business. I already made that clear when I texted Mom and Dad to see if they wanted to have lunch with me. Dad had already made arrangements to play golf, but Mom said we could have lunch at the hotel.”
It had kind of hurt that her dad had prioritized a golf game over her, but Caroline had to remind herself that baby steps were enough. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had lunch with her mom.
“See you later, then.” Andrew gave her a look like he thought she was being stupid, but at least she was doing what she thought was right.
Gram’s eyes were on her the whole time she walked to the car, but this wasn’t about Gram. Whatever had upset Gram’s relationship with Caroline’s mother was between them. This was for Caroline.
* * *
When they got in the car, Hayden turned to Caroline. “I think you’re doing the right thing.”
“Thanks.” She gave him a shaky-looking smile as she started the car. “It feels weird, trying to befriend parents I’ve considered enemies for so long. But I have to try, you know?”
Hayden blew out a breath. “I do. And you were right about a lot of what you said in the barn yesterday. It got me thinking that I haven’t tried to be a son to my father. I expected him to step up and be the father, and I was mad that he never treated me like a son. So, in today’s business text, I also gave him a personal greeting. Nothing big, but it felt good to wish him a good weekend, and to get the same back.”
“Sounds like my conversation with Mom. It was nice to be able to say to Mom, no business, I just wanted to catch up. I don’t think we’ve said that to each other in a long time. I kept waiting for them to make the move, and maybe they were waiting for me.”
It hadn’t occurred to Hayden that the same might be true of him and his father. When had he ever attempted a personal relationship with him? After spending years chasing him as a little boy, Hayden had always limited his conversation to things related to his schooling or his father’s business or what Hayden was doing in his schooling to prepare to join his father’s business. The truth was, Hayden couldn’t say he knew anything about his father’s personal life, or who Mark Donnelly was as a person.
Suddenly, that made him feel even more sad about the emotion that had been driving him all these years. H
e’d been chasing after something so ambiguous that he probably would have never gotten it. Caroline had been right in her assessment that in trying to earn love, he was never going to succeed.
But that was one thing he’d begun to get right. “I prayed with the pastor today,” he told Caroline.
“I saw. How did it go?”
Hayden smiled as her eyes darted from the road to him, then back to the road. It felt safer talking to her while she was driving, where she couldn’t stare into his soul and see all of his secrets. Which he shouldn’t mind, since that’s what had gotten him on this path in the first place.
“Good.” He searched his mind to find words to explain it all. “You know, it’s funny. No one’s ever talked to me about Jesus the way you and he did. I would go to church when people asked me to, to be polite, but no one told me about this unconditional love stuff. It’s different, knowing that it’s all about love, not about trying to get someone to join their club.”
“Yeah.” Caroline nodded. “I get that. I think we invite people to go to church because we love them, but we forget to explain that part. They think it’s just about rears in seats, when really, it’s about sharing the most important part of our lives with the people we care about the most.”
“Thanks. You didn’t have a reason to do that for me, but you did. Whatever it was that God put on your heart, you listened, and I appreciate it.”
His words didn’t convey the extent to which he felt grateful for Caroline, not when he still didn’t know how it all opened things up for him. He just knew that something in his life was radically different, and for the better.
They were silent for a moment, and Hayden appreciated that Caroline didn’t have the radio on. It was nice, just being quiet, watching her as she focused on the road. Caroline was pretty, but the longer he knew her, the more that beauty seemed to go even deeper.
“Just so you know, Andrew had a little chat with me.”
“I know,” Caroline said, giving him a quick smile, then returning her attention to the road.
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