Fields whizzed past them, and Hayden contemplated what it would be like to see that as his view every day, instead of the bay.
“He said if I wanted to date you, I’d have to give everything up. My job, my home, my whole life, and come here. Is that about right?”
Her head jerked slightly as she glanced at him quickly. “I hadn’t really thought about it, but yeah. I guess that’s right. My life is here, and I can’t date someone who doesn’t plan on sharing it. It would be silly to get both of our hopes up, if the other person isn’t interested in being here permanently.”
“All right,” Hayden said, trying to think of where to go with this conversation. “I don’t know what I want, but I just, I don’t know...”
He sounded like a blathering idiot. “I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have brought it up.”
Hayden took a deep breath, and stared at the passing scenery. They were closer to the city, nothing near the size of San Francisco, but at least there was a fast food place in sight. Strange, but it was comforting to see.
But now there was an awkward silence in the car. And it was his fault for bringing up dating even though he probably shouldn’t have. Yes, he liked Caroline. A lot. And were she any other girl, he’d have asked her out. But with all the warnings and things that stood between them, he knew he couldn’t.
So what then?
“It’s okay,” Caroline finally said. “We’re in a weird situation right now. We both have circumstances that are hard, that are similar enough that we can relate to each other. And we need a friend. But you have a job to do, and that involves ruining my life, so...”
They pulled off the highway and stopped at a light. Caroline turned and looked at him. “I know it’s not supposed to be personal. But your business is aimed at destroying something very personal to me. I don’t know how to reconcile that. Let’s just get through this as best as we can.”
“Yeah, sure.” He nodded as she pulled out into traffic, her attention back on the road. Getting through it seemed easy enough, but the trouble was, her friendship was the thing that had gotten him this far.
But she was right. There was no reconciling the thing that stood between them. He had a job to do. And though he felt like he was making headway in his own father issues, he didn’t feel confident enough to just chuck it and hope for the best.
Which left him back at his original question of, so what then?
Though Caroline didn’t seem pleased at Andrew’s interference, Hayden was grateful for the other man’s counsel. The last thing on earth he wanted to do was hurt Caroline. Getting involved with her now, that seemed like a recipe for disaster. Not when he wasn’t sure how this whole thing with her family and his father was going to end.
But how was he supposed to content himself with just being friends, when, as they pulled into a parking space at her parents’ hotel, Caroline’s hands were shaking on the steering wheel? If only he could pull her into his arms, hold her, maybe even kiss her, and tell her that no matter what happened, he’d be there for her.
Instead, he reached over and patted her hand. “It’s going to be all right,” he said.
Caroline gave a jerky nod. “I hope so.”
So did he. Because at the end of the month, it was either going to be all right, or it was going to be a total disaster. And even though he’d prayed to have God in his life, the pastor had already explained that God didn’t run around, granting people their wishes. He just had to hope that the desires of his heart happened to be part of God’s plan as well.
Chapter 7
Caroline’s mother was already waiting in the lobby when they arrived. Not good. Caroline glanced at her watch. They were five minutes early.
“Caroline.” Her mother gave her a nod.
“Mom.”
This was the awkward part. The part where they were supposed to hug, but her mother hadn’t made a move in that direction. Caroline stepped forward and hugged her mom.
For a moment, her mom’s arms remained at her side, and Caroline’s heart sank.
Maybe she was asking too much, too soon.
Then her mom’s arms came around her in a gentle squeeze.
And maybe it would be all right.
They ended their embrace, and her mom turned to look at Hayden. “I thought we weren’t talking business. Your father’s playing golf.”
“We’re not,” Caroline said. “Hayden just wanted to come along, as a... friend.”
She struggled with the word, and her mom seemed to notice as she looked down her nose at them. “I see. So what did you want to talk about, then?”
Already on the defensive. Maybe this was a bad idea. Hayden stepped forward and took Caroline’s hand, giving it a squeeze.
Technically, it was just on the line of the friend boundary, but for now, she’d take it.
“I thought we’d have lunch and catch up,” Caroline said, sending a quick prayer that God would help her find the right words. “I just felt bad, you know, that you’re my mom, and we haven’t talked a lot lately. Just business, and I’d like our relationship to be more than that.”
Her mom’s eyes misted. “Oh.”
“So what would you like to do for lunch? You mentioned the hotel restaurant, but if there’s something else you’d enjoy, I don’t mind driving.”
“Well, I don’t know if they have anything that’s vegan or whatever it is that you eat, so wherever you need to find something you can have is fine by me.”
Caroline smiled. It had to be awkward, not knowing the other person’s dietary needs, especially when Gram had all kinds of weird rules.
“We only do vegan certain nights, and that’s really Gram’s thing. We just humor her because she’s Gram, and as far as I’m concerned, any food is fine.”
Caroline stopped. “Well, okay, I do prefer eating healthy, but I don’t mind going out for burgers or something now and then. I guess I’m trying to say, it’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Gram’s not here, and I want our lunch to be about us.”
Her mom looked over at Hayden, then down at their entwined hands. “Then why did you bring him?”
Quickly, she pulled her hand out of Hayden’s and took a step away from him. What was she supposed to say? Her heart told her to just be honest.
“Because I was scared.” Caroline looked at Hayden, then back at her mom. “We’ve been adversaries for so long, I’ve forgotten how to be a daughter, and I don’t know what to do. I thought that if I had a friend by my side, it would be easier, and I would have the courage to accept whatever it was you had to give, even if you’re fine with the way things are.”
Her throat ached from the tears she wanted to cry, but couldn’t, wouldn’t, not when she’d allowed herself to be so vulnerable to her mom already.
“And you thought he was a good choice to be your friend?”
Mom didn’t know all the things she and Hayden had talked about, how they’d bonded, and even though they were still at odds in a way, they also had common ground.
But she couldn’t violate Hayden’s trust by sharing that. She looked over at him.
Hayden stepped forward. “It may be hard to believe, but things are strained between my father and me. Caroline and I bonded over our shared desire to have better relationships with our families.”
“Mark Donnelly is a hard man to get along with, that’s for sure,” her mom said, softening. “I don’t envy you, trying to figure things out.”
Then she smiled at Caroline, warmth filling her features. “I suppose I haven’t made it easy on you. It always makes me so mad, watching you dote on my mother, but ignore me. I’m told I have the Bigby mad face, and it makes one unapproachable.”
“I noticed,” Caroline said. “I saw how you reacted to Gram, and I wondered if maybe the distance between us was more about you and Gram than it was about you and me.”
Tears filled her mom’s eyes. “You always liked her better than me. How could my own daughter love the mother I hated more
than me?”
Stepping forward, Caroline wrapped her arms around her mom. “I’m so sorry if my attachment to Gram hurt you.”
Her mom started sobbing, clinging to Caroline, and somewhere in there, she thought she heard her mom say, “I’m sorry, too.”
Hayden tapped Caroline on the shoulder. “I hate to break this up, but we’re in the middle of the hotel lobby. Why don’t you and your mom go back to her room so you can talk privately, and I’ll go get us some sandwiches or something.”
After pulling away from the hug, Caroline wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “Thank you. That’s very thoughtful.”
She took her keys out of her purse and handed them to him. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“No. Your mom’s right, even if she didn’t come out and say it. This is a private thing between the two of you, and I want to give you two some space. Just tell me what you want to eat, and I’ll get it.”
They discussed logistics, and Hayden left to get them something from a sub shop down the street. Caroline followed her mother to the room.
“It’s a suite, which I’m sure you imagine we’d be in. I know you must think we’re pretentious snobs because we have to stay in nice places, but, I just...”
Her mom’s shoulders rose and fell as she unlocked the door.
“It’s okay, Mom, you don’t have to explain. This is what matters to you, and just because I’m different, it doesn’t mean that you’re wrong. We can like different things and still be right.”
Her mom nodded as they entered the room. “I want to explain. I know you like the farm, but growing up, we were so poor. Mom’s way of life, the frugality, the gardens, all that was because we had no money. The kids at school always teased me for not dressing nice and having weird things in my lunch.”
Caroline laughed. “Me too. You don’t make a lot of friends when you’ve got kale chips in your lunch.”
“See, you can laugh about it.” Mom shook her head. “But I couldn’t. I cried every day because I just wanted to be pretty, and have nice things, and have people respect me. I vowed that when I grew up, I’d leave the farm and never come back. I’d marry a rich man who lived in a city, and we’d have a fabulous life. And my daughter would have everything I didn’t.”
Caroline closed her eyes. “But you got me. That must have been a real disappointment.”
She felt her mom reach out and take her hands. “No. I was happy to have you.”
When Caroline looked at her mom, she could see the tears in the other woman’s eyes. “Your father wasn’t supposed to be able to have children. I thought I was okay with it, because it meant he’d spoil me rotten. And he does. But then I got pregnant with you, and it was a miracle. I was so happy. Until you hit your rebellious phase, and even though I swore I’d never have a relationship with my daughter the way I did with my mother, there I was.”
Tears streamed down her mom’s face. “I truly thought I was doing the best thing, following the idea that if you loved something, you should set it free. So I set you free, to live with my mom, where you seemed happier. And then it felt like you didn’t want or need me anymore. So I walled myself off.”
Once again, Caroline wrapped her arms around her mom. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for it to feel like a rejection. I loved being with Gram, yes. But I also thought you didn’t want me. So I distanced myself from you because I didn’t want the pain of fighting for love that I could never have.”
Her mom squeezed her tight and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t blame yourself. You were a child, and I was the adult. There are so many things I could have done, should have done, and didn’t, because of my own insecurities. I hate knowing that you felt unloved and unwanted, and if I could go back and change that, I would. Will you please forgive me?”
“Only if you forgive me.”
“Oh, Sweetheart, yes.”
Continuing to hold her tight, her mom alternated between sobbing and kissing Caroline on the head.
Never, in all of Caroline’s imaginings of how a conversation like this would go, had she thought that her mother, always so cold and stoic, had this depth of emotion in her. As easy as it would have been to beat herself up for not doing it sooner, Caroline could only feel gratitude that the Lord had led her to this place.
Somewhere in the room, a phone rang. Her mom pulled away. “I should get that. It’s probably your father, wanting to see how it went.”
Caroline tried not to roll her eyes. “Yeah, tell him I hope his golf game is going well.”
Ignoring the phone, her mom gave her a stern look. “You need to understand something right now. Because your father does not deserve your attitude. Yes, he acts even more distant than I do. But it is his only method of coping. He almost left me and filed for divorce when I let you live with my mother, he was so mad. You were everything to him, and I made him let you go.”
That didn’t sound at all like her father, or how he treated her. “He never called, he never visited. He never said or did a single thing to let me know he cared. And he’s always stood in direct opposition to everything that was important to me.”
“It’s his way,” her mom said slowly. “I know it sounds crazy, but he thought that it would make you come to your senses and come home to us.”
Caroline tried to let the words sink in, but they just didn’t sound right. Like anything that made any kind of sense. “I know I said I wasn’t going to talk business. But I just have to know. Is that why he’s going after the farm? To try to get me to come running back to him?”
“No.” Her mom let out a long breath, then walked over to the window and looked out. She seemed lost in thought for a few minutes before she turned back to look at Caroline. “He is genuinely worried about Mom’s health and safety. But he’s mostly worried that in all of Mom’s craziness, she’s taking you down with her. He just thinks that if you had money, and options in life, that you could do better.”
Well, she’d asked. And while the answer wasn’t as malicious as she’d feared, it still hurt.
“But what if that is the life I want? Can you and Dad accept that I am truly happy living on a farm, stuck out in the middle of nowhere, and that is where I choose to be?”
The expression on her mom’s face said it all. Despite the desire to breach their differences and have a relationship, the idea that Caroline wanted to stay on the farm absolutely horrified her.
Could Caroline find a way to get her mom to understand?
* * *
As Hayden re-entered the hotel, balancing the drink carrier and the bag holding the food, he spotted Stephen coming in from the other direction.
“Hayden! What are you doing here?”
He shook his head. “Long story. What are you doing here? I thought you had a round of golf.”
“I did. But I’ve tried calling Camille several times now, and she hasn’t picked up. The first time, it rang and rang, but now it just goes to voice mail. That’s not like her. What if something happened to her?”
The worry on the older man’s face struck Hayden. He didn’t know Stephen well, but he’d always clearly doted on his wife. And now, to see him so worked up because she didn’t answer her phone, it was almost cute.
“I’m sure she’s fine. She and Caroline went to your room to talk privately. I went to get them some lunch.”
Stephen searched his face. “Are you sure? I don’t mean to involve you in private family business, but things are tense between them. I don’t know what Caroline wanted with her, but if she’s rejected her mother yet again, I don’t know if Camille would be able to take that.”
The desperation in the other man’s voice twisted Hayden’s heart in a funny way. Mostly because he wished Caroline could hear it, and know that her mother loved her deeply. Desperately, even.
“They seemed to be having a very intense but happy reconciliation when I went to get food. Which is why I left. I thought it best to give them some privacy.”
Light
shone in Stephen’s eyes, and the man seemed to forget himself, and that Hayden was carrying food and a tray of drinks, because he wrapped Hayden in a bear hug that lifted him off the floor.
“Oh, thank God!”
The Hearsts didn’t seem to be religious people, but if Stephen wanted to give credit to God, then more power to him. And maybe, like Caroline had seen an opening with Hayden, this was Hayden’s chance to repay the favor.
“It definitely was God,” Hayden said when Stephen finally put him down. “Caroline told me that she felt like God was leading her to reach out to the two of you and find a way to reconcile. She’s been hurting all these years, because she thought you guys didn’t love her. And even though she feared she’d be rejected again, she felt like God was strongly telling her that she had to do this.”
“She told you that?” Stephen looked incredulous, then he looked down and laughed. “Well, I sure made a mess of things, didn’t I?”
The drinks had spilled during the great bear hug, and while the sandwiches probably could be salvaged, they were definitely squished.
“Nothing that can’t be fixed,” Hayden said, smiling. “And yes, Caroline told me that. She told me a lot of things that she probably shouldn’t, including the fact that she liked me and wanted to be friends even though she didn’t want to, but felt like God wanted her to do it.”
Stephen shook his head. “She was always a contrary little thing. At least I know now that it takes God to make her obey.”
“You can’t help but admire it, though.” Hayden bent to pick up the now-empty cups. “We should probably get to the room and call housekeeping to mop this up.”
“Probably so.”
They started walking again, and just as they reached the room, Stephen stopped and looked at him. “You like my daughter, don’t you?”
How to answer that question? A simple yes didn’t seem right, not with all the uncertainty between them. But this wasn’t the time or the place for explanations.
“As much as I can without compromising anyone’s integrity,” Hayden finally said, pointing to the door. “But I think there are more important matters at hand.”
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