The Delhi Detective's Handbook

by Tarquin Hall

  CASE OF THE MAN WHO DIED LAUGHING

  ON SURVEILLANCE

  Being so confident of my own abilities and those of my team in blending in whatever the conditions or circumstances, I am willing to provide suggestions for common street guises. Rule number one of surveillance work is this: ordinary and common persons are overlooked. Thus no one would imagine that the sweeper working in the street is in fact watching those coming and going. Same is true of malis working in parks, drivers hanging around by road side and touts selling every manner of thing from mangoes to toilet brush.

  TYPICAL DISGUISES FOR SURVEILLANCE WORK

  Licensed Water-trolly43 Wallah

  Sells nimboo pani and refrigerated pani from aluminium cart. A cart can be easily rented for the right price. If one is not available, a soft drinks cart can easily be come by also.

  Mops and Brushes Wallah

  Sells all manner of household cloths and brooms strapped on a bicycle.

  Kabari Wallah

  Collects paper, cardboard and other recyclable items from households. Mode of transport generally a bicycle.

  Subzi Wallah

  Sells fruit and vegetables from a wooden barrow. Can hang around a neighbourhood quite comfortably all day without raising suspicion.

  Kulfi Wallah

  Sells traditional ice cream from a cool box mounted on a bicycle. Always announces presence in the neighbourhood by ringing his bell.

  Press Wallah

  Does ironing on street using old-fashioned metal iron filled with hot coals.

  Beggar Person

  An operative need only don rags and cover oneself in filth and sit on the side of the road wearing a fake deformed limb attachment and hardly a soul will pay any attention.

  Ditch Digger Wallah

  Kindly refer to DISGUISES.

  Kindly note following: For street disguises, operatives must perfect the correct cry or call. For example, a Kabari wallah shouts out “kaaa-baaa-rreeee!” in a nasal tone.

  A Knife sharpening Wallah: another useful disguise

  A door-to-door salesman of mops, brooms and dusters passed down the middle of the street on a bicycle bristling with his wares. It looked like a kind of punk porcupine. “Jharu, ponche! Saste! Brooms, mops cheap.”

  CASE OF THE MAN WHO DIED LAUGHING

  TYPES OF VEHICLES SUITABLE FOR SURVEILLANCE WORK

  Bajaj Three-wheeler

  This vehicle is cheap to purchase and maintain and sensitive electronic equipment can be kept in the enclosed compartment. Three wheelers are most often used for transporting everything from tyres and timber to animal carcasses and medical waste and such. There are countless thousands on the Delhi roads, thus one more parked never raises suspicion. Furthermore three wheelers are forever breaking down so the driver need only lift the engine cover and spread some oily rags and tools on the road beneath the engine to indicate that the vehicle has been rendered immobile. It is highly suitable for tailing also with a top speed of 35 miles per hour. That being said, it is not recommended on the highway. It is advisable to keep some pillows or cushioning handy also as the vehicle is somewhat lacking in suspension.

  Auto Rickshaw

  Like the Bajaj, the auto is as common as a crow. Drivers are often to be seen taking a break lying down on the passenger seat with their feet protruding out the side of their vehicle. Thus an operative can park outside a target’s house quite comfortably for hours on end. Often it is the case that a target under surveillance will have need of an auto ride himself and the operative will find himself driving the male or female to his or her destination. For tailing work the auto is unsurpassed as it so agile and can move through Delhi congestion and manoeuvre between potholes also.

  Scootie

  Scooties are versatile and have the advantage of being able to go along sidewalks, in places where congestion prevents the progress of four and three wheelers and pass into colonies were barriers have been erected, thereby taking advantage of short cuts. Furthermore, an operative can wear a helmet, thereby masking his identity.

  Water tanker

  With so much of chronic water shortages in Delhi, the mafia is cashing in, stealing water from the city supply itself and selling it to private residences at vast profit. In many parts of the city the water table has been sucked dry, also, rendering illegal bore holes useless. Thus in the summer months water tankers have become a common sight throughout Delhi. One can be rented on a daily basis and parked in any street for hours at a time.

  ON TAILING

  Tailing other vehicles through Delhi requires special skills, not to mention experience and lightning reflexes. This is owing to the unpredictable nature of traffic in India. Thus the driver of a target vehicle may at any time run red lights, make U turn, go the wrong way at roundabouts (anti-clockwise), slow down so as to answer a call on his cellphone or call of nature against the nearest wall or come to a sudden stop after making a wrong turn and then reverse backwards while honking his horn at others. It is also common for drivers to take to the wrong side of the road and move against oncoming traffic. Some will drive at immense speeds, slaloming between autos, scooties and bicyclists with not one thought or regard for others’ safety. Spend five minutes on Delhi’s roads and other vehicles will cut across your path or speed up behind you flashing dippers all the while44 or pull onto the road from side roads without warning thus bringing you to a complete stop. Keeping a target vehicle firmly in sight can be something of a challenge. That is why for any and all tailing operations, I utilise no less than four to five vehicles. Walkie talkies in this regard are essential, as are scooties.

  “Cow!” shouted Rinku as a large bullock stepped into the middle of the road.

  Handbrake swerved, narrowly missing the animal but knocked off one of the Merc’s side mirrors.

  CASE OF THE DEADLY BUTTER CHICKEN

  ELECTRONIC SURVEILLANCE

  On this subject I am willing to divulge limited details regarding my own practices. Suffice it to say that in this day and age, a successful private investigator must make maximum use of modern technology should he wish to remain competitive.45 In this regard, despite having to put up with listening to so much confusing jargon regarding chips, cookies and bites and all, I find it pays dividends to employ a full time technology expert who can access computer networks and systems through hacking. This same individual is adept at designing homemade listening and spying devices which blend in seamlessly within the Indian environment and landscape. Those knowing Case of Love Commandos will be familiar with the electronic lizard created by my young operative Flush. Appropriately named “Gordon Gecko”, it can be manoeuvred via remote control through air conditioning ducts and along walls and across ceilings, thus providing a bird’s eye view of any room. Another invaluable device is my “Turban Cam”, a pin hole camera concealed within a pagri and virtually impossible to detect. It should also be noted that such devices, while useful, can be turned against the private investigator to his disadvantage. Thus Flush is charged with sweeping the office as well as my home for bugs on a regular basis.

  SAFEHOUSE

  It is highly advisable to maintain a safehouse somewhere in the city. This should be in a popular area where ordinary persons come and go so as not to raise suspicion and unwanted questions. A caretaker should remain in residence so as to give the appearance that the place is permanently occupied. The amount of space need not be too great: two rooms and a small kitchen and a single bathroom with WC will do. It need only be sparsely furnished, also. At times, a safehouse proves essential when housing clients facing danger or those needing to lie low for a given period so as to avoid facing false or spurious charges, irate spouses and so forth. At times, I have required a place myself to keep out of harm’s way. Not being a cook and not wanting to risk having my dear wife’s meals brought over and thus risk detection, I’ve been forced to order outside food to be delivered and thus maintain a stock of menus from nearby restaurants and dhabas.

  DEAD LETTERBOX<
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  Dead letterboxes are used worldwide. Items and information can be passed between two persons using a secret location without the requirement of meeting directly and thus maintaining operational security at all times. Often it is desirable and highly effective also for this location to be in plain sight. Thus an operative wishing to leave a secret message can do so while appearing to go about his or her everyday business without raising suspicion from a sinister party. When a message or information is left at a prearranged location, a signal should be made to indicate the drop has been made and is therefore ready for collection. Thus one hears of international spies marking trees with chalk and hanging towels from balconies and all. So-called Dead Drop Spikes are widely used, also. These are waterproof tubes and can be concealed in the earth or in rivers and streams and lakes. Personally I’ve never had cause to use such fancy devices and consider them a gimmick. “Tried and tested” is one of my mottoes. In past times I have made use of carrier pigeons for passing messages and computer data keys. Mandirs are convenient locations for passing messages secreted inside coconut shells or small plastic bags filled with fresh marigold flowers sold outside the temple. Once, I used a bioscope, a type of travelling theatre that is little more than a box with peep holes and moving images inside.46

  HIRING OF SOME UNUSUAL ITEMS IN DELHI

  Anything and everything can be found in and around Delhi for a price. Believe me you would be amazed by what is available, and often at short notice. Under is listed a selection of some unusual items and types of persons I’ve had cause to hire over the years:

  • Fortune telling parrot.

  • Blind cricketer.

  • Brass bell diving suit.

  • Chanel handbag.

  • Elephant, male with tusks.

  • Exorcist.

  • Fake 8th century copy of Koran in Kufic script; fake currency in all Indian rupee denominations; Richard Gere lookalike.

  • Inferior wine in vintage French bottle.

  • Jezail rifle, antique.

  • Leopard, live.

  • Rolls-Royce, former property of a Maharajah.

  • Movie crew complete with gaffers, lighting persons, extras, etc.

  • Nautch dancing girls.

  • Phonograph, 18th century.

  • Private railway carriage (through Chief Operations Manager, North Central Railway).

  • Poodle (coiffured).

  • Shrunken head, Indonesian.

  • Uzbek prostitute.

  • Wedding guests, full complement, including a few goras.

  Kindly note following: Dacoits and smugglers operate across India and should a person want any item stolen, from Mercedez Benz to Ming vase to a Siamese of the cat variety the same can be arranged. Some few years back, an ancient mosque dating back to Lodhi Dynasty47 and lying disused vanished from a site on the Delhi Ridge. That is to say the entire structure was dismantled brick by brick, including many tiles worth a Raja’s ransom, and carted away. Fortunately Vish Puri happened to be hot on the tracks of the gang that did the robbery. This was in connection with some artefacts looted from the Delhi Museum. Thus I managed to trace the mosque to several shipping containers where it was stored, awaiting transportation to a certain Prince belonging to a certain Gulf state. Turned out this Charlie had ordered the mosque to be delivered to his private estate where he planned to erect it for purposes of worship. His plan would have succeeded thanks to corrupt department heads here in India who’d been awarded handsome compensation for turning blind eyes.

  MAINTAINING A BODY DOUBLE

  On this score, I do not wish to provide too much of detail. Doing so could put my very life at risk in fact and potentially a certain individual, also, who matches my physique in every which way. Suffice it to say, maintenance of a body double can be at times of considerable value to the detective as he goes about his duty. Amateur acting societies are generally a reliable source of candidates as they are filled with individuals who are generally absolutely desperate to play a double role and often being denied the opportunity and will therefore work for nothing.

  The man who stepped out of the toilet complex could have been Puri’s identical twin. Their faces were uncannily similar, they were the same height and build… In order to leave his audience in absolutely no doubt that it was Vish Puri whom they were pursuing, [his double]…drove to the nearest Tibb’s and ordered a Chicken Frankie.

  CASE OF THE LOVE COMMANDOS

  Nimboo-Mirchi, or Lemon and Chillies, a Common Evil-Eye-Averter

  SECTION FOUR

  Some Vital Items for Working in the Field & Recommendations for Where to Procure Snacks While Doing Stake Out

  VITAL ITEMS FOR WORKING IN THE FIELD

  Kindly note following are arranged in alphabetical order.

  CELLOPHANE BAGS

  Essential for collecting evidence and keeping samosas fresh. I keep some with me at all times.

  CHIPS

  I keep no less than six phone chips on my person at all times in expectation of all circumstance. All are untraceable. Furthermore, my phones are equipped with anti-tracking casing, making eavesdropping impossible.

  EVIL-EYE AVERTERS

  It is highly advisable to keep nazar battu, evil-eye averters, around the place. You will find them hanging at my home, on my Ambassador and above the entrance to my office. Three types are common:

  1) A string of seven green mirchi chillies and one lemon totka for main doorways into home and office.

  2) Devil or demon face.

  3) Chappal or image of chappal on back of vehicle.

  In the eventuality that a private investigator should come under the influence of nazar and thus experience bad luck, he should head straight for the temple and perform a puja to Shiva.

  Puri would also need to play down his accomplishments from now on. He’d start by telling Elizabeth Rani to put away his framed India Today cover and all his awards.

  CASE OF THE LOVE COMMANDOS

  GIVEAWAYS

  A private investigator should carry small gifts to give away. They need not be costly. Common persons are happy with the simplest items. Thus at all times, I carry beedis, cigarettes, pens, sweets, chewing gum and astrological rings. Tractor or Double Dog whisky can be useful also. Both are sold in plastic bottles for a matter of rupees and are readily available at Wine and Beer shops. Both provide instant relief. Carrying around some cash in small denominations is also recommended for purposes of bribing officials and guards and for persuading those in the know to share what all they know.

  HAND SANITISER

  This has been something of an obsession since the time I fell into a drain in Gokalpur, succumbed to Delhi Belly and was confined to the WC for more time than I care to remember.

  IDs

  While I wish it to be noted in strenuous terms that I do not for one minute approve of impersonation of members of armed services and law enforcements agencies, it is necessary from time to time. Thus the effective and capable private investigator should come by a few IDs with which he can pass himself off as a member of the armed services or law enforcement agencies. Impersonating railway officials, post office staff and ministerial peons can be necessary also. It is further recommended to maintain at least four assumed personalities. For this, business cards and dedicated phone lines are required and cover stories developed complete with residential address, office or factory address, driver’s licence, bank account, cell number, names and photographs of family members and so forth. It is advantageous for these personalities to be based outside of India, thus making verification more of a challenge. Gulf states are suitable in this regard.

  LOCK-PICKING KIT

  Majority of Indian locks could be opened with a wet fish, being of low quality. Also, key-cutting wallahs can be found in most local markets and will supply any and all keys. That being said, personally I am never without a kit for picking purposes. It is made by Peterson in USA and includes a selection of picks, tension tools, pry bars and
bending tools.

  MEDICATION

  I am never without a bottle of Royal Challenge in the car or office. Naturally, it is strictly for medicinal purposes, though from time to time it comes in useful when clients are making tension. What with so much of pollution in Delhi these days it is also handy for clearing the throat.

  NOTEBOOK

  Any investigator worth his salt should not be without a notebook in his possession for even one minute. A selection of high quality pens is necessary also, especially during monsoon season when humidity can wreak havoc. In this way all information can be committed to paper as can conversations and comments for future reference. Mark my words that at any and all times, day or night, and often in the most unlikely of places, an idea or a detail might spring to mind and it should be noted down without delay. It is also vital to keep a list of facts so it can be studied and thus memory and thoughts can be refreshed. At times jotting down notes while conducting an interview can prove most disconcerting for the interviewee.