The Delhi Detective's Handbook

by Tarquin Hall

  NUMBER PLATES

  Number plates48 can be freely purchased in Secunderabad and other such places. I have a ready supply in my dickie for whenever a fake one is required for surveillance purposes. Amongst these can be counted some High Security Number Plates (HSNP) complete with replicate security holograms and a blue diplomatic one also.

  PEN RECORDER

  It is advised to keep one pen with in built recording device in the breast pocket of either your shirt or jacket. Thus should at any time you feel the need to record a conversation, you only need activate the device with a single click. This can easily be achieved without raising suspicion.

  SONF

  I am never without some Sonf, which freshens the breath after eating. When returning home, this avoids awkward questions. It is also recommended to keep some hand wipes in case of grease or tell tale stains on hands or under the fingernails.

  VEHICLE

  There is an old saying “why fix it if it is not broken?” and my Ambassador has never failed me in all these long years. Thus I see no reason to throw away the baby with the bath water. Furthermore, as I have often had cause to point out to my dear wife who has been nagging me for past few years to go in for a modern vehicle, the Amby has certain advantages that cannot be matched. Number one: it is not burdened with fancy electronics which in other models are always going haywire and causing havoc and costing God knows how much in costly repairs. Number two: spare parts can be found in any market the length and breadth of India. Three: the Amby is rugged and designed to withstand the worst roads of which there are many hereabouts. Fourth thing: mine is a former Government of India model and comes with bullet proof glass, bomb-proof undercarriage and cup holders. There are small fans on the dashboard also, which succeed in keeping the interior somewhat cooler in summers without the use of air conditioning, which is costly to run. Fifth thing: when necessary an Ambassador, providing it is coloured white, can pass as a government vehicle. This can be achieved with the use of few antennas and one beacon placed on the roof, a bumper sticker that reads ON GOVERNMENT DUTY and a driver appropriately attired. In my dickie I also keep air force and army ID stickers.

  WEAPON

  I am not one to carry a pistol at all times like some trigger happy investigators, being not at all fond of weaponry. Such a policy has kept me alive and well, no doubt about it at all. Allow me to present one such example. Some years back I was confronted by a hit man who had been awarded the contract to provide me with a violent end. I came across him standing outside my office window. Had I been carrying my pistol and reached for it, I should be no more today. However my pistol was not to hand, being in the office safe at the time. Thus I engaged this hit man in conversation, addressing him with cordiality and saying, “Kind gentleman allow me to serve you a cup of tea before you do something we will both regret.” Thus I appealed to his better nature, and while we enjoyed a nice cup of chai I asked him to explain what all had brought him to a life of crime. In due course I got him onto the subject of his children also and it was not long before the poor fellow was in floods of tears and confessing all his wrongdoing. Thus I was able to offer him a way out and a better life altogether.

  That having been said, I am no Gandhian. From time to time violence is necessary and unavoidable. During the events of Case of Love Commandos, I twice had cause to reach for my weapon. This was my .32 IOF revolver produced in India by Ordnance Factories Organisation (OFO) in Kolkata. It is a six-shot, break-action self-extracting weapon based on a Webley design and uses a Smith & Wesson long cartridge.

  RECOMMENDATIONS FOR WHERE TO GET OUTSIDE FOOD WHILE ON STAKE OUT (OR WHEN FEELING PECKISH)

  On this subject I could write an entire tome given Dilli offers unsurpassed culinary delights. There is hardly an area in fact where one does not come across temptation: one is spoilt for choice.

  A SAMOSA is a welcome snack on a stake out, or indeed when on the move. They are a triangular piece of Heaven, we can say. KEEMA SAMOSA, MOONG DAL SAMOSA, ALOO SAMOSA – all are readily available across the city. The aloo ones at MUNNI LAL HALWAI, in GOLE MARKET behind CP are served with chhole and chutney, which makes it hard to resist second and third helpings. Another 5-star samosa can be found at CANNT FOOD, GOPINATH BAZAAR, DELHI CANTT, behind ICICI Bank. Place looks ordinary, but looks can be deceptive. The aloo, peas, paneer and coriander filling are all to live for! Never say die!

  Rain and PAKORAS go together, thus I only have to feel a few drops before my stomach begins to growl. Nirvana can be attained from KHANDANI PAKOREWALLA, located down RAJMATA VIJAYE RAJE SCINDIA MARG, close to Bhikaji Flyover. The onion pakora is “wholly” unique we can say, it being a whole onion stuffed with masala and fried in besan.

  Best CHHOLE BATTURE in my opinion can be found at GIANI’S DI HATTI in Chandni Chowk. Closer to office is BAB NAGPAL CORNER in LAJPAT NAGAR. KWALITY in CP will do in a pinch.

  For GOLGAPPE one is spoilt for choice. I am somewhat wedded to GROVER SWEETS at the entrance to RAJOURI GARDEN. The golgappe are nice and sour and minty. I am also loyal to PRINCE’S PAAN AND CHAAT CORNER in GK M BLOCK MARKET. But whenever opportunity arises I head to CHOTE LAL CHAAT BANDAR in SITARAM BAZAAR, CHAWRI BAZAAR. At rupees 40 per plate and with wonderful tamarind water, it is hard to beat.

  When one is properly famished after sitting for so many hours on a stake out with little to do but wait and watch, nothing hits the spot or satisfies the appetite like a CHICKEN FRANKY. Often I will get a delivery from CHICKEN FRANKY, DDA MARKET, JANAKPURI. TIBB’S in HAUS KHAS VILLAGE is another first rate choice. The chutneys and masala are especially tasty.

  During winters when my duty takes me late into the night, I opt for a plate of KACHORI WITH SUBZI. This I take with extra coriander, chilli and masala. Guaranteed to put a spring in your step. You can do no better than the KACHORIWALA outside HANUMAN MANDIR, BABA KHARAK SINGH MARG, close to CP. Another favourite, though one I visit rarely these days given so much of work, is JUNG BAHADUR KACHORI WALA. It is a busy place but worth the wait.

  When it comes to KEBAB, I generally opt for KHAN CHACHA, KHAN MARKET, the place being close to hand, although quite costly. I have grown fond of their MUTTON KAKORI KEBAB. The MUTTON TIKKA ROOMALI is recommended also.

  A MUTTON PATTY from WENGERS, CP is not something easily forgotten and perfect when on the move. Only thing: the pasty is quite flaky, so one has to be careful not getting it on your trousers and thus getting found out at home!

  Being Punjabi by nature I am fond of BUTTER CHICKEN with fresh naan. Admittedly it is not so suitable for stake outs, but a plate or two can be most welcome when hunger strikes and I risk distraction from the task at hand. I get butter chicken sent to office from COLONEL’S KABAZ, DEFENCE COLONY MARKET or CHANGEZI, PARK ROAD, KAROL BAGH. The latter is also known for its SPICED CHANGEZI CHICKEN, a world beater.

  A JALEBI is made of rings within rings, its structure a metaphor for life itself. But for me, another association is there. I remember so many of times my late dear father Om Chander Puri treating me to jalebi when I was a boy from the world famous OLD JALEBI WALA at the entrance of DARIBA, CHANDNI CHOWK. One time we were standing there on the corner savouring the unique taste of homemade ghee when none other than Raj Kapoor arrived on the scene and made his order. Naturally Mr. Jain, the proprietor, would not take a penny from the great man. But Raj Kapoor insisted and even agreed to provide me with one autograph, which I retain to this day. Wonderful memories.

  “Such a sad state of affairs, sir,” she said. “Thank the God there are gentleman such as yourself to protect us.”

  “Most kind of you, Madam Rani!” beamed Puri.

  CASE OF THE MISSING SERVANT

  SECTION FIVE

  How a Respectable Private Investigator Should Present Himself at all Times

  INTRODUCTION

  With young people striving for 5-star living with Omega watch and Jaguar car, there is too much of emphasis in today’s world on image. Many potential clients are very much taken in by
young private investigators with slick hair, imported Italian suit and Blackberry. But fancy tailoring is no substitute for a good brain and common sense. What’s more, as Mummy-ji is so fond of saying, “old is gold”. Meaning that experience counts. Thus a private investigator should not be a show-off. He should maintain a certain dignity. Under, I detail how all I conduct myself in my professional life. This can be both an example and inspiration, not to mention model, for others.

  DRESS CODE

  Safari Suit

  While at office and meeting clients and notable persons, a Private Investigator should never be out of a suit. There is no substitute for the Safari. Several reasons are there for why. Number one, a Safari denotes someone of importance and authority. Second, provided the material is of top quality, Safaris are hardwearing and comfortable. Third thing: they have so many of pockets one can keep all manner of items handy, such as cellophane bags, lock-picking kit, mobile phone, moustache grooming kit, notebook, recording devices and transmitters. Fourthly, with a Safari, the wearer need not don a tie. In summer months this is a blessing. That being said, in winter months a silk cravat protruding from the breast pocket appears fetching.

  Cap

  At all times I wear a Sandown cap. Several reasons are there for why. Number one: it provides me with respectability in keeping with my years and marks me out as a gentleman of maturity and some sophistication. Second: everyone has come to recognise me with my cap on, thus it is inseparable from my identity, thus making it easier for me to go unnoticed while donning a disguise. Third thing: in winter months it is vital to keep my head warm otherwise sickness is unavoidable. Number four: I am fond of caps, especially Sandown ones from Bates of London. Although very costly, they are of superior quality to those manufactured in India.

  Moustache

  A moustache is a sign of manhood. In actual fact it is my firm and unreserved opinion that without a moustache a man’s very masculinity is gravely diminished. Certainly, every Punjabi should be sporting a moustache without fail given that it lends so much of distinction and character. Can one imagine a drill sergeant without one? An Emperor? A male’s face without a moustache looks as bare as a tree in winter stripped of leaves or a female with short hair. Utterly ridiculous, in fact. Also, a moustache comes in handy when pondering a problem. It has been scientifically proven that twirling the ends while thinking is therapeutic and leads to better results all round. The ladies find it fetching, also. Rumpi has often commented on how mine is handsome.

  A kiss without hair is like an egg without yolk.

  PROVERB

  A moustache is like a child, requiring tender loving care (TLC). Listed under, a list of comprehensive and useful tips garnered from years of experience sporting a handlebar that has won plaudits.

  1) A moustache requires regular shampooing without fail, especially in Delhi with so much of dust and pollution. Conditioner is a must also when air is dry in winters. Once a week I visit the salon at the Gymkhana where mine is given a thorough wash and blow-dry.

  2) A pair of top quality scissors for facial hair is a must to keep the moustache at a proper length. Hairs should not be cut while wet or damp under any circumstance.

  3) A handlebar requires training from the start. For this a wooden moustache comb is necessary. Once hairs have reached a required length, part them down the middle directly under the nose and thereafter comb away hairs in both directions.

  4) After washing a moustache, ensure it remains damp before applying moustache wax. My brand is Clubman and it is readily available in India these days. Hair wax ensures the moustache does not go fluffy.

  5) Once the wax is applied twirl the ends so as to shape them.49

  Aftershave

  I keep a bottle of aftershave in the car and office, first impressions being of the top most importance. My brand is Sexy Man.

  Monsoon Protection

  When monsoon comes, keeping my cap dry becomes something of a challenge. Naturally I carry an umbrella, but I wear a shower cap on top of my Sandown, also.

  Summer Protection

  In summer months I carry a fan powered by batteries and a ready supply of handkerchief to wipe away unwanted perspiration.

  DRIVER

  A private investigator cannot do without a driver and should never be spotted driving himself. It is beneath his dignity, actually. A driver has other uses also, that is besides being behind the wheel. While waiting in the street or parking areas, he can pick up all manner of gossip and information. If a sharp fellow, he can be used to spread dis-information also.

  Other requirement:

  1) Wear a uniform50 at all times.

  2) Open the door when his employer enters and exits the vehicle.

  3) Keep car spotless and begin the day by wiping dust off bodyworks.

  4) Follows traffic rules unless otherwise directed.

  5) Not honk his horn in a continuous fashion unless otherwise directed to do so. Same applies with flashing dippers.

  6) Keep alert.

  7) Be trained in emergency driving, tailing and not looking shifty when on stake out.

  He should not:

  1) Sleep in car during daylight hours or early evening.

  2) Eat his khanna in the car.

  3) Chew paan on duty.

  4) Spit out window.

  5) Talk on phone while driving.

  6) Shout out suggestive things to females.

  7) Urinate by side of the road.

  8) Gossip with other drivers unless directed to spread dis-information.

  9) Drink alcohol while performing his duty.

  “He should be of good character and naturally not a drunkard. Those from hill states are best. Such types have to learn to control their vehicles on all those tight bends. Otherwise they’d go right off the edge.”

  CASE OF THE MAN WHO DIED LAUGHING

  CLUB MEMBERSHIP

  The annual subscription for the Delhi Gymkhana Club is somewhat costly these days but the place remains a home away from home with restaurant, bar, library, a bed when required and every other creature comfort. Furthermore, the Gym provides a quiet environment in which to meet prospective clients not wanting to be spotted coming and going from my office in Khan Market. Delhi Golf Club retains the same old world charm and is frequented by political classes. It should also be noted the Gym and Golf Club have reciprocal membership with other private clubs across India. Thus when I end up at Ooty, I’ve the option of staying at the Ooty Club. This arrangement is most useful in Mumbai where hotels cost heaven and earth.

  SOME TIPS FOR FOREIGN DETECTIVES VISITING INDIA

  During my long and illustrious career, I’ve had the honour of aiding and abetting many foreign investigators representing the Scotland Yard, FBI, Police Nationale, Inter Pol, even Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) and others besides. While these law enforcement officers have proven themselves to be not lacking in intelligence or experience, India has often proven something of a challenge to them given the complex nature of the place. Often, I have witnessed these individuals getting themselves in a twist through incorrect interpretation of situation, language and information, also. Those from Europe and US are used to ABC. That is to say, they are comfortable following strict procedure from which they demand and expect a quick result. Without textbook, they are lost. Furthermore, they place so much of emphasis on efficiency, which they value above all things. Their thinking is that if everything is not running at 100% efficiency, then results will not be forthcoming. Thus they become impatient. But in India it is opposite. We people do not value efficiency in same way. Here it is accepted there are other forces at work and therefore we human beings don’t have total control over every circumstance. Westerners call this “fatalism”. It is not fatalism exactly, but a general acceptance that humans are not in control of their own destiny. They have no power over the wind and rain. To think otherwise is delusion. Fact is we must look to a higher power for guidance and safe passage. Consequently, we Indi
ans are much more accepting when something goes wrong. What may appear to be bad luck often contributes to our good fortune in long term, after all.

  One more thing is there which foreigners fail to grasp: in India few persons will give straight answers to straight questions. People are not at all trusting of authority. They fear authority outright, in fact. Also 9 times out of 10, when asked if they can do something or other, they will not like to answer “no”. Thus if I ask a telephone engineer if my line will be switched on, he will reply “Don’t worry”, knowing full well my phone line will remain cut off for at least one week. Another example: should I ask a taxi driver to take me to Shadipur Depot in west Delhi, he will indicate he knows the way, but chances are he hasn’t got a clue and must stop to ask any number of auto drivers for the way.

  Last thing: so many of foreigners suffer from superiority complex. This does not go unnoticed by Indians and can give problems. For example, I once witnessed a Scotland Yard detective referring to the Home Minister of India by his first name. That he attended the meeting lacking a tie was something of a blunder, and went down badly I can tell you.

  Under is listed further advice in this regard:

  • Business cards must be produced at the commencement of the meeting by both sides without fail. The card should be presented in a humble way, that is to say held in both hands as it is handed over. A slight bow of the head should be given to demonstrate respect and humility.