The Delhi Detective's Handbook

by Tarquin Hall

  Personally I am currently involved with 32 cases connected with past investigations yet to be resolved. One dates back to April 1989. I have dozen cases pending against me also, most filed by individuals charged with crimes thanks to my efforts. This includes no less a person than the former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh (UP) who saw fit to accuse me of defamation after I gave evidence against him to the police and my comments got leaked to media persons. Another individual is after me because after providing evidence to his wife that he was indulging in orgies with so many of sex workers, he claimed I drugged him and staged the whole thing. I am also facing a case relating to a property dispute dating back to my father’s time. Lastly, I am embroiled in a case with my drunkard Gujjar neighbour. This case started after he came to relieve himself against the outside wall of my home so many of times and I requested him not to do so and he got abusive. Thus I installed electric wiring to put a stop to his activity and he, having got a proper shock, is now seeking damages.

  All these cases make up some of the 32 million plus cases waiting to be resolved in the Indian courts. That is from the lowest court right up to Supreme Court which alone has 65,000 cases pending. Estimates vary on how long it would take to clear the backlog. I came across one report suggesting that were all judges refrained from eating and sleeping and closed 100 cases every hour even then it would take some 35 years to sort out the mess!1 At normal rate it should probably take 400 years total or so. Absolutely mind blowing.

  One only need spend a short while at Delhi’s High Court, as I have the misfortune to do once or thrice a week, to understand how things get bogged down. Our Indian lawyers are masters at getting cases delayed so as to increase their earnings. Every trick in the book is used to keep the wheels of justice turning at a snail’s pace. Files go missing, judges adjourn hearings on slightest pretences, defence counsels claim they have not been given adequate time to consider evidence even after thirty years have gone from the start of a case. There being no time limit as in US, cases can go on for decades even.2

  At the heart of the problem lies the lack of judges. Whereas USA can claim 100 judges per every million of population, in India the figure is 15 give or take. Thousands upon thousands of positions are lying vacant. Why? An examination of events in Delhi during February 2014 when the Delhi High Court issued an advertisement for 85 judges to be appointed to district courts provides a clear answer. 10,000 lawyers and judges from across India turned out to sit for the examination required. From this number 700 were selected to take the main test. This “looked at applicants’ understanding of civil and criminal law and their general knowledge”.3 Of the 700, 15 qualified. “As it turned out, all the 15 shortlisted applicants who went on to be interviewed and appointed as judges were directly linked to Delhi High Court judges – two were daughters of judges, others were doing clerkships under them or were variously related.”4 Need I say more?

  Little wonder Ajit Parakash Shah, retired Chief Justice of Delhi High Court is on record saying India’s criminal justice system is “on the verge of collapse”.5 It can be said that civil society is on verge of collapse also. For years, the paralysis in the courts has been having a knock on effect, meaning that no one fears the law knowing that cases can get bogged down. Speak with any business person and they will tell you that each and every day clients will refuse to pay for services rendered. “Do what you can,” they will say. Meaning these people realise that creditors are helpless. Land is grabbed willy-nilly and owners’ rights are not protected. Thus those willing to take the law into their own hands do so, creating a vicious circle. Furthermore, when high profile cases come to the court, those with resources can hire top lawyers who have a cosy relationship with judges and can get their clients off scotfree. If you happen to be a drunkard Bollywood joker and run over some poor fellow sleeping up on the pavement then no issue, no matter that you absconded from the spot and have no shame. If you happen to be the son of a billionaire corporator and you drive your Aston Martin full speed into another vehicle, Daddy will persuade a family driver to take the fall. If you happen to be a senior politician and get a few individuals bumped off by the cops during a fake encounter killing and get charged by Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) with conspiracy to commit multiple murder, don’t do tension, yaar! The moment your political godfather comes to power, you will be made head of the party, thus making a mockery of the law and demonstrating to entire country that anything can get fixed.

  “Denial of ‘timely justice’ amounts to denial of ‘justice’ itself. Two are integral to each other,” wrote the Law Commission of India in their report dating to 2014 entitled Arrears and Backlog: Creating Additional Judicial (Wo)manpower.6 “Timely disposal of cases is essential for maintaining the rule of law and providing access to justice which is a guaranteed fundamental right… The already severe problem of backlogs is therefore getting exacerbated by the day, leading to a dilution of the Constitutional guarantee of access to timely justice and erosion of the rule of law.”

  APPENDIX TWO

  Some Letters to Honourable Editor, Times of India

  ON FAMILY VALUES

  Sir,

  Erosion of the extended family system, which is nothing less than the very cement and mortar not to mention foundation of our culture, is taking place at a rapid rate thanks to westernisation of the youths, emphasis on material living and fast paced life. India is now home to 356 million young persons under age of 24. What is their identity? That is the primary question. What values they are absorbing? In past twenty years, television has come to India in a big way. Satellite dishes have sprung up on homes and houses like mushrooms. I have seen them on straw roofs in remote villages in Jharkhand! Wiffy is also making inroads and changing societal values. Teenagers are playing video games round the clock. Young children have access to pornography. Some are uploading shocking videos of themselves indulging in nudity and promiscuity. Respect for elders and family bonds are getting eroded like river banks in monsoon. What is required is for family to come together on weekends and all, as was our habit for time immemorial. Used to be that in my family everyone spent every Sunday together, eating and sharing news and experiences and discussing issues and problems. In this way the younger generations benefited from the experience and wisdom of their elders and thus perceived them as role models.7

  ON CHALTA HAI

  Sir,

  As is well known, the meaning of “chalta hai” is “it’s all right, that is the way it goes”. So many of my fellow countrymen and women have adopted this attitude it seems. Nowadays chalta hai is said with a smile as if some kind of inside joke is there. But chalta hai in reality means “nothing works properly and standards remain sloppy”. It has become code for laziness and incorrect thinking dressed up as fatalism and overall acceptance that no one should have to think or work too hard. A plumber comes and does a half job and goes away with a shrug. 80% is enough for him. What is result? I am not satisfied and it creates tension, especially when the broken pipe floods my house. City workers dig a hole and leave it in the street uncovered. What is result? I fall down and get injured or fall inside and drown in sewage. Nurses decide to cut corners in the delivery room what is result? Incubators catch fire and babies are incinerated. Let us imagine that I adopt the same attitude in my capacity as a world-renowned and accomplished private investigator. A murder is committed. A client comes to me asking for the murderer to be located. I investigate but it proves too much of hard work. So I let the fellow get away or place the blame on a charge sheeter who can readily be located and falsely accused. Let us consider the Aarushi Case8 to see results. Cops and CBI conducted a typical chalta hai investigation, paying no attention to evidence. The judge did not care either way. Result? Two parents were wrongfully convicted and sentenced to life. Should they say chalta hai? Answer is negative. Nor should anyone else for that matter. A quantum shift in attitude is required at every societal level.

  ON CORRUPTION

  Sir,

/>   India is fast emerging as an economic superpower and its companies are forging ahead. Just look how TATA group took over Jaguar and Range Rover, both being renowned British companies down in the dumps, and rendered them into profitable concerns within a few years. Who could have imagined? Our computer engineers are best in the world also. Soon we will regain our rightful place at the high table and, no doubt, our natural business sense and innovation will win through. But mark my word corruption can and will derail us if something if not done about it. I am not exaggerating when I say that it is a cancer eating into the very heart of India. Speak with any person and they will tell you they are paying so many of bribes each and every day. This morning only I got chatting with the owner of a dhaba. Some cops came and sat down and ate their fill without paying. But that was not all they ate. Right before my eyes they demanded rupees 3,000 for letting the owner operate late into the night. This act of shameful extortion was done without shame. Same man told me he pays health and safety inspectors rupees 3,000 to 5,000 each and every month to make sure inspections go smoothly. In all, his loss amounts to rupees 25,000. Such criminality must be brought to account. I for one as India’s most renowned private investigator am doing my part. Hundreds of criminals, including politicians and netas, have been brought to book on my watch til date. But there is much work to be done. Let us rise to challenge together. The growing middle classes are India’s best hope. Millions of voters can change the way politics is conducted. We must no longer allow ourselves to be divided and ruled as we were under British. We must recognise the face of tyranny just as our forefathers did before us.

  ON HONKING

  Sir,

  After spending so much of time in traffic over past weeks I got a ringing in my ears. Thus my dear wife insisted I consult with the ENT specialist. Turns out I am suffering from Tinnitus, a condition by which noise is perceived within the ear even when none is present. My specialist is certain this has been caused because of so much of honking on the road. It should be noted that many drivers these days do away with standard horns in favour of replacement ones which provide an effect like a ship’s fog horn. Furthermore, it has come to my attention that at least 15% of the population is suffering from Tinnitus. Many others are having hearing difficulties. I can only repeat the slogan that appears on what is fast becoming a popular bumper sticker in the city: “For God’s sake stop the honking!”

  ON CHILLIES

  Sir,

  A study by the British Medical Journal has found that spices and chillies are beneficial for health. According to BBC, one other study in China learned that eating spicy food improves mortality rate by 10%. Therefore it seems chilli pakoras are not so bad for health as my doctor has been suggesting all these past years!

  GLOSSARY

  of some Hindi and Punjabi words and their meaning in the English language

  A

  AAM ADMI

  common man.

  “ACHCHA”

  Hindi for “OK”, “good” or “got it”.

  AFRIDI

  Pashtun tribe of Pakistan and Afghanistan.

  ALOO

  potato.

  AMBASSADOR

  until recently India’s national car. The design, which has changed little since production started in 1957, is similar to the British Morris Oxford.

  “ARREY!”

  Hindi expression of surprise, like “hey!”

  AUTO

  short for auto-rickshaw, a three-wheeler used for carrying passengers.

  B

  BABU

  a bureaucrat or other government official.

  BACKSIDE

  rear.

  BATCHMATE

  former student who attended the same school, college or military or administrative academy.

  BETA

  “son” or “child” used in endearment.

  BHAI

  brother.

  BIDI

  an Indian cigarette made of tobacco hand-rolled in a leaf from the ebony tree.

  BOGIE

  a train carriage.

  BONG

  a Bengali.

  BURI NAZAR

  the evil eye.

  C

  CAR-SAAF-WALLAH

  wallah is a generic term meaning “the one” or “he who does”. Car-saaf-wallah is typical Indian English, in this case meaning “he who washes the car”.

  CASTE

  English word that derives from the Spanish and Portuguese casta, meaning “race, lineage or breed”.

  CHAI

  tea.

  CHAPATI

  see DOUBLE ROTI.

  CHAPPALS

  sandals usually made of leather or rubber.

  CHARGE SHEETER

  a person with a criminal record.

  CHARPAI

  a traditional woven bed.

  CHART

  a train passenger manifest.

  CHIKNA

  sexy, attractive or appealing.

  CHOWKIDAR

  guard.

  CHUDDIES

  Punjabi for underpants.

  COLONY

  a residential area, generally fenced or walled in with gates manned by security personnel at each entrance.

  CREAMY LAYER

  the elite.

  CRIB

  Indian English for complain or moan.

  CRORE

  a unit in the Indian numbering system, equal to 10 million.

  D

  DACOIT

  a member of an armed group.

  DALIT

  a designation for a group of people traditionally regarded as untouchable. Dalits are a mixed population, consisting of numerous social groups from all over South Asia.

  DARSHAN

  generally used to mean worship before an idol or guru.

  DESI SHARAB

  Indian-made liquor, usually cheaper and of lower quality than imported or foreign liquor.

  DHABA

  roadside eatery, popular in northern India.

  DHARMA

  Sanskrit term used to refer to a person’s righteous duty or any virtuous path.

  DHOTI

  traditional men’s garment, a rectangular piece of unstitched cloth, usually around seven yards long, wrapped around the waist and legs and knotted at the waist.

  DICKIE

  a car trunk or boot.

  DILLI

  Delhi.

  DIPPERS

  headlights.

  DISHOOM

  sound effect when someone lands a punch in a Bollywood movie, like “pow” or “bam”.

  DIYA

  a lamp usually made of clay with a cotton wick dipped in vegetable oil.

  DOUBLE-ROLE

  one actor playing two opposing roles in Indian films.

  DOUBLE ROTI

  sliced white bread.

  E

  “EGG-VEGG”

  example of rhyming English used by Punjabis in particular.

  F

  FARMHOUSE

  a large house with grounds, more often than not built on agricultural land illegally. Owners often list their occupation as “farmer” despite deriving their income from other means.

  FIR

  a First Information Report is a written document prepared by the police when a complaint is lodged with them by the victim of a cognizable offence or by someone on his or her behalf.

  “FUNDA”

  from “fundamentals”, Indian English slang for situation or understanding.

  G

  GOONDA

  thug or miscreant.

  GORA

  a light-skinned person; the term is often used in reference to Westerners.

  GUJJAR

  a pastoral community that used to be nomadic. Many own or have sold farmland on the periphery of New Delhi and don’t shy from putting their new-found wealth on display.

  GUTKA

  a preparation of mostly crushed betel nut, tobacco, slaked lime and sweet or savoury flavourings. A mild stimulant, it is sold a
cross India in small, individual-size packets. It’s consumed much like chewing tobacco.