The Delhi Detective's Handbook

by Tarquin Hall

  • Generally speaking, shaking of hands with women is not done.

  • At meetings and interviews first thing is for both sides to explain some idea of their professional, family and educational backgrounds. Details of personal achievements may be provided also. In this way connections can be made and common ground established.

  • When a glass of water is brought it should be accepted. So many times I’ve watched foreigners wave away the boy. When tea is offered it should be accepted also, otherwise the host will feel unhappy.

  • Elders and those in authority must be referred to as “sir” and shown consideration and respect. Thus one must stand when they enter and wait until they are seated before sitting down.

  • If some special consideration is required from an official or other it is not done to ask for it outright. Some compliment should be paid or congratulations given beforehand. If a minister, his latest initiative or speech should be praised even if it sent entire audience to sleep.

  • For many Indians, English is like our mother tongue. But so many of foreigners are unaware of this fact. Thus one private detective investigator name of Mr. McEwan, visiting Delhi some years back in connection with a missing person, hired a Hindi translator. Mr. McEwan insisted on taking this translator to meetings with high officials including Commissioner of Police and Undersecretary to Prime Minister. Never mind the Undersecretary got a PhD from Yale University, USA. Still, the translator came in handy. This was thanks to Mr. McEwan hailing from Scotland and his accent being somewhat baffling to the ear.

  • When offered alcohol, always opt for whisky, large one. Wine is for women.

  • As intimated, courtesy is all important when addressing those with standing in society. But why foreigners should extend the same courtesy to common peoples such as taxi drivers and shopkeepers and beggar persons, I don’t know. More baffling is in past they have gotten upset when I have brushed aside beggars or taken touts to task in their presence.

  • One more thing is there: it is common amongst foreign detectives for their marriages to have gotten over. Reason may be that they are doing so much of heavy drinking and smoking. Either way, they should know that it is not done to talk about divorce in India. One Britisher went so far as to describe how he returned home one fine day to find his wife in the bed with a pizza delivery wallah!

  • One more no-no is there: that is the habit of blowing the contents of the nose into a handkerchief, especially in a public place such as a restaurant and all. Clearing of passages and exhaling effluent should be performed in the washroom, only.

  SECTION SIX

  Observation and Correct Thinking

  TRAINING

  It is my considered opinion that in this day and age Indian boys and girls from well-to-do families are receiving too much of education. Means they spend the maximum number of hours during their childhood and teenage years and early adult years studying for exams. They are intelligent and good at passing exams and dealing with complicated mathematical problems and so forth. Some of the brightest minds on the planet are Indians, after all. Thus India invented chess, zero and Hot Mail. But too much of time in the classroom and doing homework creates individuals who cannot think outside a box. For an investigator that is fatal. So many young detectives I come across have not the first clue, so slavishly they stick to procedure and rigid thinking. What is required is practical experience in the field. This can be gained first hand through apprenticeship as it has always been done in the past for time memorial with the student sitting at the feet of the guru and absorbing his knowledge and experience. There is no substitute for it, in fact. I myself learned from my Papa-ji, Om Chander Puri, a distinguished Delhi police officer and tip-top investigator. All my childhood, I watched and listened, to his advice. Not a day or hour goes by when I do not remember or reflect on the wisdom and experience he passed on. Furthermore, I regard Chanakya as my guru and master. Acknowledgement of Chanakya ensures that I maintain humility and recognise my own shortcomings as there is a higher authority to look up to. Thus one feels that there is always something more to learn and one does not become complacent or, heaven forbid, arrogant.

  PERSPECTIVE

  In Section One, I included a summary regarding the ancient Jain philosophy of Anekāntavāda, the principle of the multiplicity of viewpoints. It is upon this foundation I have based my approach to investigation work, with considerable success I should add. The attitude of the successful investigator should remain at all times that nothing is what it seems. Furthermore, we human beings take so much for granted. For students I often pose the following simple question: what is the time exactly? Generally the student will look at the clock and answer that it is ten past two or quarter past four and so forth. But his answer is never altogether 100% correct. That is to say that in American or Japan it is a totally different time. Could be that it is a different day in Australia altogether. In other words, time is not something one can define so easily. Same principle can be applied to how people view the world. Another example: two people are standing face-to-face in a room. Can they be said to be seeing the same thing? Not at all. Their impression of what is reality is totally different. Add to that the fact that one is blind in one eye, other is short sighted or forgot his glasses. Might be totally tulli also. Likewise, conditioning plays a vital part. One witness will describe the room as cold because he comes from a hot climate, another will say it is warm because he is an Eskimo. Same way red can mean “go” in communist countries like China. Furthermore, we refer to Arab countries being in “West Asia” whereas it is known as “Middle East” in Europe and US. A turning can be described by two people as being on the left and right, and both will imagine they are providing accurate information!

  Part of him admired their resilience, their surprising good humour in the face of such grinding adversity; but he also mourned humanity’s capacity to adjust to any conditions and perceive them as normal.

  CASE OF THE MAN WHO DIED LAUGHING

  OBSERVATION

  So many of people believe Sherlock Holmes was an individual with unique powers, but he was nothing special. Fact is, in Victorian days, western society was not so predictable as it is now. That is to say people were not alike as they are nowadays, what with American blue jean, T-shirt and always wearing sport shoes. All were members of distinct groups, each dressing in a particular way and enjoying distinct tastes. Thus one could tell a great deal about any individual by the type of hat they were wearing or cigarette they were smoking or type of stains they had got on their coats from lighting candles or gas in the home. London today provides few such tell-tale signs. Thus Sherlock Holmes would be at a loss. That being said, India remains a gold mine for detectives with honed skills such as my good self. There is no better place on the planet to practise skills of observation and deduction in fact. Fortunately mine were developed and fostered from an early age by my Papa-ji. He took me around Delhi going from pillar to post. Whether we were at the railway station, attending a shaadi, walking through a market, taking a bus, it didn’t matter. Without fail he was always getting me to recognise details about the people we witnessed all around and to note down mentally who was who and what was what. “Chubby,” he often told me, “a gardener knows every bud and bloom, every plant and tree. He can tell each and every one apart, what stage in development they have reached. Look on every face in same way.” Thus I learned so many tell-tale signs such as recognising a Bengali Brahmin from a Jat Sikh, a Maharashtrian Muslim from Assamese Boro. So much can be read by the eye if one is paying attention. Quality of clothes tell you much about social standing and background. From condition of skin coupled with weight one can tell if a person is taking veg or non veg. Rings, threads, headgear are indicators of religious affiliation and often caste. How a female ties her sari is an indicator of status. Condition of people’s feet is something important to watch for. So much can be learned from how the toes are formed and condition of the soles. Then there is the way a person reacts to
a given situation. For example a Punjabi guilty of a crime, when challenged, will generally show anger to mask his involvement. Immediately, he will be combative.

  Under examples whereby simple observation played a crucial part in one of my former investigations:

  1) I identified a suspect guilty of forgery of banknotes after spotting so many of paper cuts on his fingers.

  2) A certain gentleman applying for membership of the Gymkhana Club claimed to be Brahmin yet I noticed he was wearing leather shoes, thus realising he was nothing of the sort.

  3) I once apprehended a bank robber attempting to board an international flight disguised as a Sikh. Had it not been for the few hair shavings on the shoulders of his jacket from where he had undergone a haircut prior to donning his disguise, he might have got away clean. As anyone knows, practising Sikhs never cut their hair under any circumstance.

  Kindly note following: For some years it has been clear to me that the individual currently occupying position of Chief of Delhi Police does not know his elbow from his backside, but special skills are not required to recognise this.

  PHYSIOGNOMY

  Indian physiognomy is known as Samudrika Shastra, that is the reading of physical features to determine character of the person. The Garuda Purana has a good deal of recommendations in this regard. But while understanding of body language is vital for the detective, it is not recommended to pay attention to this so-called “science”. It has been my experience over so many of years that a woman with round eyes is not always destined to become a widow. A person with thick thighs is not destined to be sick at all times. Furthermore, individuals whose feet do not sweat are not guaranteed to become kings.

  JUGAAD

  “Jugaad51 is a colloquial Hindi and Punjabi word that can mean an innovative fix or simple work-around… It is used as much to describe enterprising street mechanics as for political fixes. The meaning is often used to signify creativity to make existing things work or to create new things with meagre resources… Jugaad also applies to any kind of creative and out of the box thinking or life hacking.”52

  While working as a private investigator in India one cannot do without jugaad. It is one essential tool in the tool kit, we can say. Each and every day I reach for jugaad for purposes of detective work, what with improvisation and all. Whereas a detective from Europe or US or Japan will require state of art surveillance van equipped with laser beam listening device, we people will make do with what we have to hand at any given time. Thus at Most Private Investigators, we have adapted a roti maker as a recording device and sent morse code distress signals at night disguised as blinking jackal eyes utilising two tin cans. Some time back also, the windscreen wipers on my car stopped working in heavy rain. With no option but to keep going and no spare parts to hand, I attached four lengths of rope to the wipers and kept the ends of each rope inside the vehicle. Thus my driver and I were able to pull on the ropes in alternate fashion back and forth and keep the windscreen free of rain. Thus we continued on our way. Same approach must be adopted when dealing with officials in government and courts and all. In Delhi, each and every day you will hear, “Jugaar ho jayega!” Rule of law is so lacking that solutions must be found while dealing with those who represent the system yet insist on using it to their own advantage for financial gain, promotion and power.

  DANGER IS MY ALLY

  Human beings are governed by hope and fear, but a private investigator cannot allow himself such a shortcoming. Hope can blind us to the truth because it involves so much of emotion. Thus I remain level headed and in possession of my faculties at all times. As for fear, I live and breathe danger each and every day. Danger has become as common to me as egg vegg for breakfast. Thieves, murderers, kidnappers, goondas and political enemies may strike at any time. Thus as I have previously intimated there have been no less than nine attempts on my life til date. Thrice they have attempted to shoot me. One time a member of the beef smuggling syndicate attempted to poison me with a Chicken Franky soaked in pesticide. Some time later, a hijra in Varanasi pushed a pile of bricks from the top of a building near to where I was walking.53 Thus I cannot afford to entertain fear at my door. Danger is my ally. We are all but one breath from this life and next, after all. That is not to say that I am foolhardy. Quite the reverse. I take every precaution to ensure my own safety and safety of those working under me.

  The most ingenious attempt had been orchestrated by a cunning murderer (a naturalist by profession) working in Assam’s Kaziranga Park, who had secretly sprayed Puri’s clothes with a pheromone that attracted male one-horned rhinos.

  CASE OF THE MISSING SERVANT

  CONFIDENTIALITY IS MY WATCHWORD

  Senior economist Amartya Sen has called we people “Argumentative Indians”. More accurately we are “Gossiping Indians”. So much of gossip is going on each and every day it is hard to believe anything gets done at all. I myself will not tolerate such nonsense amongst my staffs. Long time back I placed a ban on all gossip, chitchat and cribbing. Zero tolerance is my policy in this regard. On a personal front, also, I never divulge my dealings with my clients to any other person. My record in this regard remains faultless and unblemished. Same cannot be said for some other detective agencies. One in particular has offices on third floor (door on left), number two building, Namaste Towers, sector thirty oblique four, Gurgaon, Delhi, but should remain nameless.

  “CHARITY PUTS AN END TO POVERTY; RIGHTEOUS CONDUCT TO MISERY; DISCRETION TO IGNORANCE; AND SCRUTINY TO FEAR”

  Chanakya

  DHARMA AND DĀNA

  Dharma is a central part of Indian philosophy and religion. It is not a simple thing to provide one definition given that the word has so many of meanings. But in Sanskrit the root is “dhri” which means “to support, hold or bear”. Dharma signifies behaviour that is considered in accord with Rta, that is the order that makes life and the universe possible, including duties, rights, laws, conduct, virtues and right way of living or path of righteousness. It concerns one’s duty toward all fellow humans, in other words.

  Of equal importance is dāna, the virtue of generosity and charity. Rigveda is clear on this. Under I’ve provided one quote from Book 10, Hymn 117:

  “The Gods have not ordained hunger to be our death: even to the well-fed man comes death in varied shape. The riches of the liberal never waste away, while he who will not give finds none to comfort him… Bounteous is he who gives unto the beggar who comes to him in want of food… No friend is he to his friend and comrade who comes imploring food, will offer nothing.”

  The Upanishads make reference to dāna also, listing three characteristics of the developed person. One is self-restraint. Second is compassion. Third thing is charity. In the Bhagavad Gita we also find reference to right and wrong forms of dāna. Verse 17:20 states that sāttvikam, pure charity, is given without expectation of return. Rajas, which is the bad sort of charity, is given in expectation of return and desire for results. It can be given grudgingly, also. In Mahabharata we find advice regarding dāna, also. Chapter 91 of Adi Parva states that a person must acquire wealth through honesty before doing charity. Further it states he must be hospitable to guests, never inflict pain on any living thing, and share food and other comforts and all. It is the duty of every member of society to help those less fortunate. Nowadays there are crores and crores in our country who deserve and require assistance.

  Conquer the mean by charity, the untruthful by truth, the wicked by forgiveness, and dishonesty by honesty.

  Vana Parva, Chapter 194,

  Mahabharata

  ON FAMILY

  Without dharma and dāna we are nothing. Without family we are nothing, also. It can be likened to the glue keeping our society bound together. Family should and must rely upon one another for everything and anything. When one member fails in their duty, then whole family is in jeopardy thanks to trust being broken. Thus family members should maintain their separate roles. It is a husband’s job to work and provide home, food an
d security and all, as well as doing his duty to society. A wife’s role is to look after children, support her husband, keep the home, maintain good relations and do her duty to society. As for a Mummy’s role, once children are grown up and all, it is to provide moral compass for the family and maintain and enjoy a quiet existence, attend kitty parties, and go for walks and such. When lines get blurred then problems and difficulties arise. This is true when it comes to the work of a private investigator. So much secrecy and discretion is required that a professional cannot be expected to discuss his cases around the kitchen table. Furthermore, it is totally essential that other family members, being amateurs, do not get involved with cases on their own accord. Interference can lead to general confusion and muddling of a case and consequently risk and danger to all those involved. There can be only one private investigator in any given family.

  A Sign Spotted in Delhi by Mr. Tarqin

  APPENDIX ONE

  On India’s Legal “System” Today

  20 years back a certain individual with whom I am familiar stopped one evening on Janpath to buy a cigarette. This individual was a cameraman working for a reputable TV company. Thinking he would only be absent from his vehicle for a short while, he left his camera on the back seat of the car. His back was turned for a brief period only but in that time another car pulled up and a thief grabbed the camera. The thief and his partner in crime then got off down the road. Had the cameraman not spotted the getaway car’s number plate all should have been lost. But he got a clear view and being a connected person he was able to trace the property to a certain house in a posh colony in south Delhi. Thus with the help of the cops he retrieved his stolen property and charges were brought against the thief, who happened to be a young man from a wealthy family. An FIR having been filed, the case went to court. Only problem was the camera itself was taken into evidence. Thus the cameraman had to beg the judge to get his property returned. This the judge allowed with one proviso: the camera must be brought to the court during the hearings. Thus the case began and since has been going on all these years with hearings every six months or so. During that time the camera became obsolete and had to be sold off. But the cameraman did not dare tell the court for fear of being accused of contempt. Thus whenever a hearing comes up, my friend takes along another camera in its place, one made up of old parts from broken cameras, a kind of jugaad camera in other words.