I'll Be Here (Matters of the Heart Book 2)

by Yesenia Vargas

  “Hey. It's okay,” he says quietly.

  I'm still looking down. I can't look him in the face. I can't see how crushed he must be right now when, instead of making things more clear for me, kissing Adam just muddled things up even more.

  “It’s okay if you're confused," he says. "It's okay if you need more time… To figure out how you feel about me. Katia, I think maybe this happened for a reason, you know? Maybe this is what you wanted all along. Maybe this is what was supposed to happen all along. If…"

  I know what he was about to say. If Brian had never moved back. If I had never fallen in love with him, with a boy from fourth grade.

  I can't even think straight. "I know, Adam. I know. This is all just too much. I feel like a broken record saying that, but it is. Maybe this makes things more clear for you, but for me, it’s making things even more difficult. How am I supposed to…"

  But now I'm just talking more to myself than to anybody. Adam puts his arm around me. Then he takes it off when he feels me cringe just a tiny bit.

  “I promise I am not trying to be mean, Adam. I promise. I just, I need time to think right now. Maybe you should go home." I glance at him, then back at the math book in front of me. "Maybe we can do this another time," I mumble, but I'm not sure it will happen again.

  The study sessions have been not just fun but helpful, but maybe not such a good idea after all. Not when I'm trying to figure all this out. What I need is to get away from both Brian and Adam. But I don't even see how that's possible when I go to school with Adam, and I see him every day.

  I see him out of the corner of my eye. He stands up. He starts putting all of his stuff in his backpack, and it seems to take forever.

  I try to read Adam, but his face is completely blank. I’m not sure if I should say something or not. I don't want to make things worse.

  He finally just gets up, puts his backpack on, and walks to my front door. His hand is on the doorknob when he turns back around and looks at me.

  "See you at school tomorrow."

  I can't help but stare at the look in his eyes for that split second before he finally opens the door and leaves. It says hope, but it also says hurt. I wish for the life of me that I can figure all of this out because I hate the fact that I could be hurting Adam one more time.

  chapter fourteen

  It’s too soon by the time I see Brian again. Even though it’s been several days after the whole thing with Adam happened.

  Brian had invited me to the movies. It had taken me a while to get back to him, thinking maybe I should just say no, but I had talked to my aunt and she had convinced me to say yes, to get out of the house for a while and spend some time with Brian.

  "I bet he misses you. He just wants to spend some time with you. Remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to do,” she had said.

  I’d finally just told Brian yes, that we could go out to the movies and then grab a bite to eat.

  That's where we are now.

  Mistake number two of being in the middle of a love triangle.

  The movie’s over, and I had barely been able to focus on it or even enjoy it. Now we’re grabbing a bite to eat at a sit-down restaurant.

  I’m not sure if he notices, but everything just feels wrong. I feel like I’m lying to him.

  And I guess I am because I still haven't said anything about Adam. And I'm not sure if I should, if it's the right thing to do or if it would only cause more problems.

  My gut is telling me to just be honest and tell him. Even if it means hurting him. He’d probably think that I'm moving on from him, but I don't think that's what this is. I don't think so anyway.

  I don't know how to tell. How are you supposed to tell the difference between moving on and just not being ready to go back to the guy you might still love?

  There are a couple times I can speak up, but I don't say anything. Not yet. I keep telling myself I should wait for the right moment. The right moment to tell Brian that I kissed Adam. Again. Except it was different this time.

  That I did what I thought I would never do. And I did something that feels like a betrayal to him even though we’re technically just friends. But it feels like I'm stabbing Brian in the heart.

  We’re walking back to my car, and it's dark out. We’d had dinner and dessert.

  Brian and I get to my car, and we just stand there. I lean back against the driver door and hug my arms and try to get warm.

  "It's a little chilly out here," I say, trying to make some small talk.

  My bare legs are cold. I’d worn a dress, and even though it has sleeves, I wish I had brought a thin jacket. Brian sees me shiver and tries to warm me up by running his hands up and down my arms. He takes a step closer, and I know how we probably look right now to the people walking out of the restaurant. I see an older couple look at us, and the lady just gives me a knowing smile and glances up at her husband like she remembers when they were our age and it was them going on their first date or something.

  But this is completely different.

  This is me trying to figure out how I feel about Brian, how I feel about Adam, and how I'm supposed to tell Brian the truth.

  Brian looks at me for a few seconds, and I can tell he's looking at my mouth. Even though we agreed to go out as just friends, I can tell he wants to take this further. He starts to come in, and that's when I blurt out, “Wait. I kissed Adam."

  Brian immediately takes a step back, and the look on his face says he can't believe what I just said. It quickly shifts to something like anger and not just disbelief.

  "What? What did you just say? You kissed him?”

  I realize what I’ve done because Brian can't even say Adam's name right now. His face changes into something I’ve never seen before.

  I have never seen Brian angry before. Never. Now he's angry at me. I can tell.

  And I totally get why.

  He turns around and sighs in frustration. I take a step towards him, but I don't know what else to say. Except, "I'm sorry."

  I try again. "I don't know how it happened… It just did," I say quietly, knowing how lame that sounds. Like I'm trying to make an excuse, but really there is no excuse. Even if this is completely my choice, I still feel like the biggest jerk in the world for doing this to both Adam and Brian.

  He finally turns around and looks at me. "What do you mean you don't even know how it happened?" He turns back around and shakes his head. "What is this supposed to mean?"

  He turned around once again. "What is it supposed to mean, Katia?”

  I have no idea how to respond to that.

  "Does this mean you and I are over? Does this mean we never had a chance? That you’re giving up on us just like that?"

  I know I should say something, but I don't know how to begin. "Brian, I swear I didn't do it on purpose. I just… It just happened. I don't know what it means either."

  ###

  "I just can't believe you would do something like this," Brian says.

  I don't know what it is, or maybe the way he says it, that kind of pisses me off. “What do you mean you can't believe I would do something like that? What's that supposed to mean?”

  Brian gives me a cold stare. "I can't believe you would kiss him. How you could do something like that to me, to us? I know it hasn't been easy, but I just thought you weren't sure about us, not that you weren't sure about you and him."

  His voice is starting to get kind of loud, and one guy passes us and just kind of stares at us, and I wish we weren’t here right now, doing this in public. I wish we were at my house or just somewhere private.

  But we can't. I had to tell him about my kiss with Adam because not doing so felt like a lie.

  But that doesn’t mean that he gets to act like this either.

  "Look Brian, I know this sucks for you. It sucks for me too.”

  He scoffs and looks away.

  "Yeah, maybe it doesn't seem that way to you, but this isn’t easy for me either. It's not easy
dealing with all of this, not being sure if I still have feelings for you or if maybe I…"

  Now Brian looks at me again. The anger is still there, but there's also a question on his face.

  "So there is a real possibility, then? That we’re over? For good? That all of this has been in vain, and you don’t have feelings for me anymore? All of a sudden you don't see him as just a friend? Now you see him as something more? What changed, Katia?”

  He takes a couple steps closer to me and looks me in the eye like he’s trying to read me. "What part of you changed? It's like you're a completely different person. Completely different from the Katia that I left just a few months ago.” As he’s saying all of this, he's pointing back like our past is right behind him.

  But it's not that easy.

  “I’m not doing this on purpose," I say. Part of the anger that I’ve felt for Brian all this time comes out right at this moment. “I’m not choosing to feel like this. You didn't make things easy in the first place by leaving. You think that was easy for me? Having to get over you? Having nobody left? Adam has always been there for me, and you’re surprised that maybe now there is the possibility that we could be more than just friends?

  “I promise I’m not doing this to hurt you, Brian. I’m just trying to tell you the truth. If you really want to wait while I try to figure this out, you're going to have to settle for the fact that that's a real possibility, that it might be a choice between you and Adam, not just a matter of when or if I'll go back to you."

  And now I seem to be on a roll. There are all these thoughts and emotions going through me, and I'm kind of mad now because Brian is not happy that I actually kissed Adam. And I know this is about him being hurt, but all of this hurts me too.

  And at the end of the day, he’s not my boyfriend. That's what it really boils down to.

  I keep going, a bit calmer now. “I know that what we had was real. It was real for both of us, and it hurt both of us when you left several months ago. A lot happened during those months, Brian. It wasn't easy to see you leave and to deal with all of that. With your whole family leaving. When you and I had just started getting to know each other again, and we had just started to see what we could be.

  “And it wasn't easy to see you come back again when maybe I was just starting to get over you and move on with my life, trying to figure out how I was going to deal with senior year, not to mention Adam coming back. Then you show up again, and both of you just completely started messing with my mind again.

  “So no, I don't have any answers for you right now. No, I don't know what I'm going to do or what choice I’m going to make. And I'm sick of all the drama. I'm sick of the stupid love triangle I’m now in. Part of me wishes that both of you were just gone so I didn't have to deal with any of it. Even if it did suck not having either of you anymore. And you know what?”

  Now I'm pointing my finger at Brian and taking a couple of steps towards him. "You're not my boyfriend, and Adam's not my boyfriend. So neither of you can tell me who I can and can't kiss. And I know that doesn't mean that I can go around kissing the both of you, but it's not like I did it on purpose. I’m trying to figure all of this out, and sometimes just things just happen."

  I turn around and take a few steps back towards my car before turning back to Brian. “Like I said, I’m not doing any of this intentionally to hurt you. If you just want to go ahead and forget about me and just focus on your family and your real reason for being here, that's fine with me. Maybe it would just make things easier."

  I look at Brian one more time, and he’s completely deflated. All I know is that it felt good to say all of that. But I’m nowhere closer to fixing all of this.

  chapter fifteen

  I feel pretty horrible after my argument with Brian.

  I get in my car, and I go home, and when my mom and my tía ask me how things went, I walk right past them and straight to my room.

  I don't want to say I slam the door, but I do close it pretty hard. When they try to come in my room and ask me if I'm okay, I pretty much just push them away emotionally, get out my blue SAT book, and I try to lose myself in the practice problems I should be studying for the upcoming SAT.

  For the next few weeks, I put my head down, I go to school, and I study for that test.

  I still talk to Adam. We hang out at school, we talk a little bit in class or at lunch, but that's it. I can tell he knows I'm being cold. I hardly talk to him or anyone else.

  That's the way I prefer things right now. I don't feel like talking to anybody or dealing with any kind of drama.

  The day comes, and I take the SAT test on a Saturday morning again, but I don't meet up with Adam afterwards for lunch that time. I just go home and I sleep it off, but I want to say I think I did better. A lot better.

  And when winter break rolls around, I'm happy that I won't see Brian or Adam for the next three weeks. And during those three weeks, I just shut myself in my room, and I watch lots of YouTube videos and spend the day online, but I don't I don't talk to either Adam or Brian.

  Not when Brian texts trying to apologize or when Adam asks if I'm okay, if I want to hang out.

  I just ignore them both because, more than ever, I need my space. I want to be happy. But I'm not. So I'm just avoiding everything for now.

  I don't want to think about the choices that I need to make or the things that I've done recently, like kissing both Adam and Brian and what it all means. I don't think about all the things I told Brian that night. That there is a real chance of me and Adam going out and becoming more than just friends.

  I have never said that out loud before. I had maybe thought about it lately, on a subconscious level. But I can't believe I said it, especially to Brian. When I haven't even said anything to Adam about it.

  When I hadn't even really admitted to myself that that could be true. That it wasn't more than just something crazy that happened at my house when we were studying. That maybe I was confused, and I just let it happen.

  I try not to think about all of these things, but it's impossible.

  No matter how much I throw my focus on school starting again and filling out college applications, making sure I'm doing everything right.

  That's another thing. There’s so much to do if I want to get into a decent college.

  I’m applying for community college, one that's not too far away, in case, but there are a couple of other colleges that I want to apply for. Not a prestigious university or anything like that but schools that are a little bit harder to get into and have better programs.

  I have no idea what I want to study, maybe something in design or art-related, but it's not something I want to think about just yet. Right now I just need to focus on being able to get in. And there's a lot more to do than I realized. Like essays and all the classes I've taken and what kind of grades I've gotten.

  And it can be really confusing. Not to mention making sure I don't miss deadlines because that would suck.

  So I focus on all of that, and by the time I know it, I've submitted all my applications. I also get back my most recent SAT scores, and I truly smile for the first time in a while when I see they’re a couple hundred points higher and not just the bare minimum I need to get into those colleges but a good bit better. I can't help but think that Adam had been right and that his tutoring has probably helped me.

  It's already early spring, and I'll be finding out about those colleges soon, and I have a feeling senior year will be over before I know it.

  I realize there’s one more choice I'll need to make before much longer.

  ###

  At the next senior assembly, the school counselor tells us that maybe we should be making some campus visits and figuring out what college might be the best match for us, not just on paper but in person.

  I think that would sound like a cool idea except I'm not sure it'll actually happen. I’m kind of tired from all the work I have to do at school, and I'm not sure I feel like going visiting a college o
n my own in a new town and having to walk into classes and talk to people on campus.

  That's just not me.

  I’d finally heard back from both colleges last week and was surprised to see that I had been accepted to both I’d applied for.

  I take brochures for those schools from the counselor anyway and figure I can at least look at those and decide where I’ll end up going.

  When I'm getting all my homework out that evening at home, my aunt sees the brochures among my things. She picks up the one for my first choice, North Georgia, and looks at it. It has lots of decent programs, and it looks nice enough in the brochures. It’s where I'll probably end up going.

  I hear it can be hard, but I'm ready to step up my game when it comes to grades. I know my mom will help me as much as she can with tuition and books, but the counselor said that if I can keep up a B average then the state should be able to help me pay for most of the tuition, and then I can just get a part-time job to help pay for books and supplies and gas and stuff like that. And maybe I'll just keep living here for the time being anyway.

  “What's this?" my aunt says, sitting down next to me. She still has the brochure open. Her English is decent, enough to where she can understand most of the brochure, but I can tell she's mostly looking at all the pictures. At all the happy students walking to their next class with their pack of new friends, all perfectly diverse of course.

  “It's for one of the colleges I got into. I think it's where I’m going to go next year.” I say. “Maybe Adam too.”

  That’s what he’d said anyway. That he didn’t want to go far after all, and he liked this college as much as Georgia State.

  She looks at the front again. “North Georgia,” she says.

  I nod. “It's not too far away, just like forty minutes so I’ll probably still live at home, if you’ll have me,"

  She comes in for a hug. I mean it as a joke, but in her head it's like I've already moved on without her, moved out and become an adult. I'm glad my mom isn't this sentimental about it.