I'll Be Here (Matters of the Heart Book 2)

by Yesenia Vargas

  And that means hurting Adam. Again.

  I glance up at him up at him and give him a quick smile and then look away again. I can really tell that this kiss really did just mean the world to him.

  But already, my arms stiffen on his shoulders, and my body tenses where his arms touch my back. And then he becomes kind of stiff too. And I look at him again.

  I think he realizes what just happened.

  "Adam," I say coming in close so he'll hear me whisper. "I'm sorry."

  chapter twenty-one

  Just as I say those words, the last dance is over. And senior prom is over.

  The lights come on in the gym, and it's way too bright because we've been in the dark the past four hours.

  Adam and I pull apart and rub our eyes. A bunch of people complain and boo due to the abrupt end to the night. A lot more people are already starting to leave, and teachers are coming around making sure that everybody is heading out.

  Adam and I are in this weird situation now. And it's hard to look at him, and I can tell he doesn't want to look at me either.

  Bailey comes over, holding that sophomore’s hand and asks, "Are you guys going to the after-party?"

  We had been invited to an after-party a while ago and we had been thinking of going, but now I know there's no way.

  I shake my head and look at her. "You guys go on. I think we’re going to call it a night and go home."

  She looks back and forth at us with a knowing smile, like she knows we’re really about go to a hotel or something. But she doesn't say anything, and then they leave.

  She calls back, “See you guys later! Have a good time."

  I smile and give her a last wave and turn back to Adam. We slowly start walking towards the exit. Eventually, we get to his car, still not having said a word to each other, and he opens the door for me. He walks around and gets in himself.

  The parking lot is packed with traffic and so it's a few minutes of just sitting there trying to get out of the school campus.

  Neither of us says anything, and I wonder who's going to talk first.

  I know it should be me.

  I should explain or try to make Adam feel better about all of this or something. But I'm afraid I’ll just make things worse.

  How do you begin to break your best friend's heart?

  "You know I wish things hadn't turned out this way, right?" I say. I'm not really able to look Adam in the face. Instead, I just kind of glance at him out of the corner of my eye. I don't think he really wants to look at me right now either.

  Both of his hands are on the steering wheel. He's just staring at it like maybe it'll tell him where he went wrong or something.

  We’re still stuck in traffic behind several cars, most of which are honking or full of people screaming and itching to get to the after-party where the real fun is about to begin.

  The both of us, though, in Adam’s car, are silent, neither of us sure what else to say.

  I can see the hurt on his face, and I'd give anything to see Adam happy. Truly happy. I wish things had turned out differently for us, that maybe some part of me saw him that way, but maybe deep down I really know that I never could.

  I don't know if that's because of Brian or if it would have been true if Brian had never come back…

  Right now, I just know that I can't give up on us without giving him another chance. Because we never had our chance in the first place.

  I think that's what I've realized tonight. Seeing myself in this beautiful dress and being here at prom, having a good time. I wish Brian had been here with me having fun and asking me to dance. I wish it had been his shoulders I had my arms around as we slow danced.

  Even though Adam is my best friend and I love him and I always will. Right now, I only have feelings for Brian.

  But it still kills me to see Adam like this. I look at him now.

  I'm surprised when he finally speaks up.

  "You know I would never hurt you, right? You would never have to wonder if I was going to leave you one day to the next. I wouldn’t leave you wondering when you’re going to see me again." He looks at me. His eyes look kind of wet, and they glisten in the dark.

  And I'm sure mine are the same way just from seeing him like this. I nod slowly. "That's just it, Adam. You’re an amazing guy. I feel incredibly stupid for turning you down, but I have to. Brian and I…" I look forward to staring out into the still full parking lot of our high school. "We never had our chance. I think that's what I realized just now. That's what I've been trying to realize this whole time, even if I hated him for leaving in the first place. That even though part of me wishes you and I could have our own chance, I need to know what Brian and I could be first. He deserves that, and we deserve that. As much as it hurts me to see you like this, I need you to know the truth. I feel like I'm losing out either way, but this is what I have to do." I say quietly.

  I look at him again, waiting for a reaction, needing to know if he hates me or if we’ll remain friends. Or if we’re going to pretend we don't know each other next semester when we both start at UNG. He'll be there with me and maybe we'll have the same classes. For sure, will see each other on campus. But I don't want us to pretend we’re strangers when we’re not.

  "Do you hate me?" I ask.

  Adam lets his hands fall into his lap. He reaches over and touches my hands gently. He strokes my fingers with his. "I could never hate you, Katia. On the other hand, I might not ever be able to forget you. You are the most down-to-earth girl in this entire high school. And I love that about you. And I wish that Brian had never come along," he says with a small chuckle even though I can tell he probably really means it. Not in a malicious way, though.

  He goes on, looking at our hands while I look at him. "I wish Brian had never come along so that I could have kept being your best friend, so that I could have slowly made you fall in love with me. Then one day you would've finally opened your eyes and seen how much I care about you, and you would have realized you cared about me too.”

  He meets my eyes.

  “I know for sure it would have happened eventually. Even if it took me the rest of college for you to finally agree to go out with me."

  I can't help but smile at this. I can just imagine both of us slowly getting closer and closer to senior year of high school and then four years in college. I can see it all before me too.

  It would've been perfect. Being best friends for years and really getting to know each other and then slowly falling in love.

  He's right. It would've been beautiful to to have ended up with someone like Adam.

  But who knows why these things work out they way they do. I'll never get it. It makes my head spin to think about all of it. To wonder if what he's saying is what was supposed to happen, me ending up with Adam. If Brian was never supposed to move back. Or for some reason he was, and I was never supposed to end up with Adam in the first place.

  It's all too confusing to think about. It's been way too confusing to think about these past few months.

  The only thing that I can be sure about for now is that I need to give Brian and me another chance. I have no idea how it'll go or if it'll work out. If it'll only work for a little while and end up being a mistake I'll regret later.

  But I do know that for now I have to say goodbye to Adam. As more than a friend.

  "Can you just promise me that we will always be friends, no matter what?" I say.

  Adam looks at me for a few seconds, and I seriously wonder if maybe I'm being incredibly selfish for asking him that.

  Then he gives me a small smile, and he says, "You think you can get rid of me that easily?"

  And finally the line of cars in the parking lot starts moving, and Adam puts his hand back on the steering wheel. He shifts the car to drive, and we move along.

  I guess it’s time for him to drop me off at home now. “Sorry I ruined your prom night."

  "You didn't. I still had an awesome time with you." He looks at me. "And I
'll never forget it."

  chapter twenty-two

  Adam drops me off at home, and I stand on my porch for a few seconds until he drives off.

  Now I know what I need to do. This could probably wait until the morning, and Brian will probably think I'm crazy, but I need to talk to him now. I just need to run inside and grab my keys and my wallet. And then head out to my car before anyone can see me leave again. My mom had given me a curfew of four in the morning, but she’d made me promise to keep texting her throughout the night.

  I go inside. The house is dark and silent. I think everybody's asleep right now, and my mom’s still at work, so I shoot her a quick text that I'm still with Adam and that I'll be home later and that I'm alive, safe, and not drinking. Next, I text Brian that I need to talk to him.

  If I remember his work schedule correctly, I think he should be home. Maybe asleep, because he’s not answering me.

  I think he would want me to wake him, though, and tell him this. And I don’t know what it is about tonight that just feels special and right. Maybe it’s the dress and fancy make up, hair, and shoes, but I don’t want to take it all off and put it away and go to sleep without telling Brian that I finally figured it out, and yes, I want us to have another chance.

  And maybe get a head start on that.

  My stomach feels warm just thinking about Brian’s arms around me, the look on his face, how he’ll probably kiss me.

  The feel of his lips. I can’t wait to see him.

  And just have us start over.

  Maybe take things slow and just savor every moment, so that what we have lasts forever.

  Once I have my keys and wallet in hand, I’m in my car and on my way to Brian’s house.

  I think I’m making the right turns and taking the right roads to get to his house. Or rather, his uncle’s house. I had been here a few months ago, back when Brian had first moved in and I had come seen him. Before his uncle had helped him find a car for him to drive around in.

  It’s dark, but I think this is the right neighborhood. I slow down as I pass by different houses, looking for the small blue house and Brian’s black car. I stop in front of a mailbox.

  I’m pretty sure this is it, even if I don’t see Brian’s car in the driveway.

  I check my phone again. Is he out or something?

  Maybe his uncle borrowed his car, or he’s not home for some reason?

  Still no messages from Brian. This is weird.

  I don’t want to give away the fact that I’m trying to surprise him so I’ve been trying to keep it casual, but now I wonder if I should tell him that I’m out here waiting for him. I look around the neighborhood. It’s pretty quiet and dark. I see a car turn around the corner, and my heart jumps, but it ends up driving by and down the street.

  Maybe I should just go knock.

  I finally get out of the car, grab my keys and phone, and march up the driveway, heart beating a little quicker.

  There’s no doorbell so I just knock a few times, and I hope I’m not waking everybody up.

  I knock a few more times, a bit harder this time.

  I think I hear padded footsteps coming from inside the house, and then I see the curtain move back a smidge and back into place.

  Someone on the other side unlocks the door, and I get ready to tell Brian sorry for waking him, but my mouth freezes halfway open.

  This isn’t Brian.

  This isn’t even his uncle. I’ve seen him a few times, and he doesn’t look like this. This guy is a lot tanner and has a bigger gut. And he’s not much taller than me when Brian’s uncle is closer to his height.

  He’s just staring right back at me, and I don’t know what to do with my hands or how to stand. I settle for trying to look polite with my hands clasped in front of me.

  “Um, is Brian here?” I ask in Spanish.

  He rubs his eyes and looks back at me. “No, they left. Brian and his uncle left about an hour or two ago.”

  He goes on, now a little bit more awake. “I think it was a family emergency. They packed some clothes and left, said they weren’t sure when they’d be back.”

  “What?” I say, and he shrugs. “Where were they going?”

  “I think to the airport, the one that’s a couple hours from here. They were going to try to catch a flight to Brownsville, Texas. The border. I think I heard his uncle mention that they might get on a bus from there to his family in Guerrero.”

  Now I’m completely perplexed. Is this real right now? Because this is prom night, and I’m standing on Brian’s front step looking completely glamorous for once in my life, ready to get back together with him, and it turns out he’s gone?

  He’s leaving?

  I find myself nodding and thanking the man, and I turn around and leave, not really aware of what I’m really doing. I get into my car and sit there for a few minutes.

  Brian is leaving. He’s going back home, and he hadn’t bothered to tell me, to even send a quick text like, hey, I know I said I would try my best not to leave and that you mean the world to me and I still love you, but uh, your worst fears have come true and my family needs me. Bye.

  What Brian had said from day one he would try to avoid but might happen, just happened.

  What the hell am I supposed to do about it?

  Just wait for him to come back?

  Then it hits me.

  He won’t be able to come back.

  At least not right away. And not without putting his life in danger again. He’d told me how hard it was getting through the desert, the horrible things he’d seen. Assuming he has the money again to pay a coyote to bring him back across the border.

  So this is it.

  Brian had come back into my life twice now, and once again, he was leaving it without saying goodbye.

  I fight back the lump that’s building up all of a sudden in my throat, and I blink hard before the tears in my eyes can overflow and fall down my cheeks, sliding away from me as fast as Brian and his uncle are driving to that airport right now.

  When will I see him again?

  Will I get to see him again? Maybe just through video chat once he’s back home? Is that what his plan had been?

  I know it couldn’t have been out of choice, and I immediately start wondering what could have happened to his family to make him just leave like that, without saying goodbye and knowing it would break my heart again.

  Maybe that’s just it. Maybe he thinks I don’t care anymore.

  Either way, I know what I have to do.

  I put the keys in the ignition.

  chapter twenty-three

  I’ve already changed back to my normal self and packed some clothes and a couple toiletries when I realize I need my passport. I’m not planning to leave the country, but you never know, right? I take a deep breath and wonder where my mom keeps it. I’m guessing somewhere in her room.

  I look at the time on my phone.

  It’s already really late. My mom will be here soon, and if I’m going to have the balls to do this it’s going to be now or never. Because if my mom knew what I was about to do, running off like this, she would have my skin.

  I zip up my backpack, making sure to throw my phone charger in there, and sling the backpack over my shoulder. I quietly turn off the light and open my bedroom door. The whole house is silent and dark.

  I go down the hallway to my mom’s room. It’s actually the smallest of the bedrooms up here. My aunt and uncle had the master and she’d let me and my brothers have the medium-sized rooms when we had moved in, saying she was never home anyway.

  I slowly open her bedroom door, and I grimace when it squeaks loudly. I get in as quickly as possible and leave the door mostly closed behind me. I turn on her bedside lamp and start looking through her nightstand. There are some papers and documents in here but no passport. Just bills. I put my backpack down on her small bed and keep looking around. I’m only finding clothes and trying to get inside my mom’s head and wondering where she would hid
e our passports when I see her closet.

  Bingo.

  I go in there and turn on the light. There’s a small satchel on the top shelf that I’ve seen her rummage through in the past. I remember it having our birth certificates in there.

  I grab it and set it on the bed, unzipping it and immediately sifting through the million and half documents and records my mom has in here.

  I sigh and dig my hand in there, hoping the passports are somewhere at the bottom.

  My hand touches something, several somethings, at the bottom of the satchel, and I think it’s plastic booklets. As in passports.

  I take them out and sigh again, in relief this time. I have several passports in my hand. I find mine and stuff the others back in. I zip the bag back up and put it back in my mom’s closet.

  I turn and jump.

  My aunt is holding up my backpack. “And where do you think you’re going?” she asks, arms crossed.

  I clutch my chest in an attempt to get my heart beating at a normal rate again. “You scared me.”

  “I never thought it would be you, Katia. I mean, we all go through that crazy stage at eighteen, nineteen years old, falling in love and wanting to run away and be happy, but you have to remember everything you’re giving up. Your education, your —“

  “Tía, I’m not running off to get married. I promise.”

  She gives the biggest sigh of relief, and I worry that she’s going to wake everyone as she plops down onto the bed. “Then where are you going?” She eyes the passport in my hand. “Did things go that well with Adam tonight?” She gives me a wink, and I finally sit down on the bed with her. For a minute.

  “Prom with Adam was fun. You were right,” I say. “But I realized that I was there with the wrong person.” I look down. “I want to give Brian another chance. We never got a good one in the first place.” I shrug. “I went to go look for him, to tell him all of this, and it turns out he’s gone.”

  “Gone?”