The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories

by Brina Courtney

  “You and Chad aren’t as different as I thought,” Holly said. Her words sent a cold shiver up my spine. She rushed away to find Rachel.

  “Marin,” James said.

  Shit . . .

  I turned around. Surely, he’d heard everything.

  “Is that true? Was this whole thing a set up?” he asked. Part of me felt guilty, but the other part wanted to stick it to him for what David did.

  “Yes. It’s true,” I said. His eyes widened with shock.

  “Why?” he asked. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because you’re all the same. All that stuff about fidelity and trust, it’s all bullshit.” I could feel my body quiver from a surge of adrenaline.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Maybe you’re not cheating on me now, but what happens when we’re together for ten years, twenty years?” It was a valid point that I hadn’t considered much before with James’ recurring fidelity.

  “I don’t know. You seem to have all the answers.” He paused and glared at me. Neither of us not wanted to back down though we secretly wanted it not to be true. “You believe what you want, but you don’t get to play the victim. You’re the one being deceitful. You’re the liar,” James said matter-of-factly. He slammed the car door and sped off.

  I covered my face with my hands and hunched down sick—sick with anger, sick with guilt, sick with sadness and uncertainty. Tears started, but I forced them back. I refused to fall apart on the sidewalk in front of the house of a cheater and his heartbroken wife.

  Telly ran to my side.

  “Are you okay?” she asked. I didn’t know how to answer her, so I didn’t. “Marin?” she said with a nudge. Slowly, I unburied my head from my hands and looked upon her worried face.

  “Are you okay?” she asked again.

  “Can you just take me home?” I sighed. She nodded and helped me up. What an awful mess I’ve made.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Everyone Hates Marin

  I paced around my apartment all night waiting for Holly to come home or at least return my calls. By six in the morning, I gave up and went to sleep. When I awoke around eleven, she still had not come back. My body ached with fatigue, but my mind raced. I poured myself a cup of chamomile tea before returning to bed. Every thought tightened the knots in my stomach. It took everything I had not to leave my apartment and search for Holly and Rachel. Both were incredibly hurt for all kinds of reasons, some my fault, some not. I knew it was better to keep my distance. Let them be. Still, it left me with unsettled feelings that made my skin itchy. Feelings of restlessness, righteousness, guilt, sadness, and relief filled me simultaneously.

  I had to be patient, and since I had the whole day to be patient, it was time to do a little reflecting, analyzing, and psychoanalyzing. I was a therapist after all. It was the array of mixed emotions that attributed to my annoying unsettled feeling. I made the attempt to divide and conquer. My guilt and sadness only ran as deep as my friendships with Holly and Rachel, which were pretty significant. Terrible, what happened to Rachel. I had no idea she enlisted the Man Test service. In all fairness, I warned her not to go looking for trouble unless she was prepared to deal with her findings. She knew perfectly well what she was getting into. Though her little heart was shattered, she’d eventually be able to put back the pieces, like I had, and move forward.

  I didn’t think she blamed me for what happened, but Holly definitely did. In her mind I subliminally put Rachel into a dangerous situation in which there was no way out. She would probably say it was the “law of attraction” or something. I put the idea of a cheating man into Rachel’s subconscious and in turn her husband cheated on her. Of course, I thought that was absolutely insane. Otherwise, why didn’t I attract a cheating man? Counting Anderson I guess I did, but none of that mattered anymore.

  Holly was angry, angry with me for following my instincts on something critical. Okay, so what? We disagreed, but the fact that she was displeased with me was too much. It was her discontentment that left me the most unsettled, restless, sad, and guilty. How could I make her understand? I had to wonder, was she partly upset because she knew I was right? This brought me to my strongest feeling—righteousness.

  Maybe what I did wasn’t exactly up to moral code, but the results spoke for themselves. Given the right opportunity, men are extremely likely to cheat. It was horrible that Rachel had to learn the hard way, especially after making a life long commitment. David was just one example. There are so many men who do the same thing, make the same shitty decision.

  I had to admit that it irritated me that James hadn’t stepped out of the confines of our “relationship,” but he was probably just somewhat sensitive to infidelity given that he too had been on the other end. Like I’d told him, what were the chances that he’d remain faithful after ten, twenty, or thirty years? My prediction? Unlikely. Not that I would ever get the chance to know for sure anyway. James and I were over, which brought me to my last emotion—relief. I hadn’t pictured our breakup going quite like it had, but somehow I was freed. James knew the truth and so did I. Wasn’t that the point? The reason I’d done it all? Wasn’t that what I wanted?

  Later, Telly and a bottle of vodka came to keep me company.

  “Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked, handing me a fresh martini.

  “No. Do you wanna talk about Will?”

  “No.” We sat quietly, sipping from our pretty martini glasses, neither of us caring to share our feelings on the most recent events of our lives.

  “Do you think Holly will ever forgive me?” I asked.

  “Yeah. It’s not your fault David fucked up,” Telly said.

  “I know, but she thinks it is,” I said, tears filling my eyes.

  “Hey,” Telly said, halting the tear. “You can’t beat yourself up over this. Holly is upset because you were right, and it hurt her little sister. You went with your gut on this and proved the truth. You shouldn’t feel bad about that.”

  Her words were encouraging, and I was thankful that she always had my back on the most controversial of issues, maintaining her honesty but never judging.

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Then again, Rachel and David might be done. I’m not sure if the end justified the means.”

  “That’s for you to decide. All I know is you’ve been obsessed with catching a cheater and by proxy you did. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

  There it was, the same question that plagued my whole day. It was what I wanted, I just wasn’t sure if I still did.

  The next day I returned to work as normal. Holly was still missing. Who knew if I would ever hear from her again? The notion killed me. I found myself marching into Katie’s office, looking into her sweet green eyes, and thinking she was too smart to put herself in a position like mine.

  “I need your help. It’s personal,” I told her. She asked me to sit and tell her what was wrong. I divulged everything, all the details about James, my tricks, Rachel and David, Holly, and even Anderson. When I finished, her face was riddled with utter disbelief.

  “Shit, you really did it this time,” she said. I bit my lip and awaited the rest of her advice, but she just stared me.

  “So?” she asked.

  “So, that’s it. What do I do now?” I asked. Hello?

  “Oh, God, I don’t even know where to begin. You’re going to need a lot of therapy. You probably should’ve already been in therapy. You have four major problems: One, your friendship with Holly; Two, Rachel and David; Three, James; and Four, yourself and your feelings about this whole thing.”

  “I just want everything to go back to normal,” I whined.

  “I’m afraid it’s too late for that. The damage is done, and now you have to pick up the pieces. You have a lot of work to do. I’m going to refer you to someone else.” She began typing away on her computer.

  “No, please. I don’t like therapists.” She shot me an offended glare. “I mean I don’t like other therapists.”


  “I know. Doctors make the worst patients, but it’s okay. I’m handing you over to one of our own.”

  “Who?” I asked.

  “Andy,” she said.

  I sighed. As much as I’d started to warm up to Andy over my recent views of cynicism, he wasn’t really what I would call a good therapist.

  “Did you call me?” Andy entered the room. Just in time.

  “Yes, Andy,” Katie said, “I put Marin on your calendar for two o’clock today. She needs some guidance.”

  “Great.” Andy looked at me like an animal about to devour his prey. “I’ve always wanted to psychoanalyze you.” He smirked, then left the room.

  I turned back to Katie. “I think I’d rather see someone else.”

  “Come on, Andy’s a great therapist. His methods are a little unconventional, but they work. I think it’s exactly what you need.”

  At two o’clock, I opted to “forget” my appointment. By two-o-five, Andy was in my office.

  “Hey, time’s running out. What’s taking so long?” Andy said.

  “Sorry about that. I’m swamped,” I said appearing to be extremely busy in order to put him off. He sat down and cleared his throat.

  “Bullshit.” He called me out, which should’ve been no surprise, but it startled me. “Katie brought me up to speed on your case, and I have to say Marin, I’m impressed.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I had no idea you could be so ruthless. That Chad really messed with your head.”

  “Fuck you, Andy.” He became infuriating all over again.

  “See what I mean?” he said calmly, not fazed by my crude tone or insult. Damn jaded prick.

  “I can’t talk to you about this!” I stood up, ready to throw something at his head.

  “Good,” he said and motioned for me to take a seat. “Let me do the talking.”

  I sat down fuming and he rose to a lecture stance. “First, you have to know what you did was about as immature and manipulative as a teenage prank.” I crossed my arms. “But I’ve seen worse from someone suffering traumatic stress.”

  “Like Lorena Bobbit?” I said.

  “Let me do the talking, please,” he said with a smug expression. “So let’s start at the beginning. You catch your fiancé cheating, which caused you to call off your wedding and sink into a depression. Instead of seeking professional help to deal with your loss, you have a stroke of genius and decide to fool some poor guy so you could rid yourself of any responsibility in your own relationship failure. Because after all, if every guy does it then it didn’t just happen to you, it happens to everyone.”

  I couldn’t tell if his assessment made me feel better or worse.

  “Now that your friend’s husband’s been caught red-handed,” he said continuing on without taking a breath. “You probably feel pretty justified. It satisfied your mission, right?” He paused just long enough for me to shrug. “The problem is your boyfriend, Jimmy—”

  “James,” I said.

  “Whatever.” He rolled his eyes. “He was faithful. And I think deep down you knew that. I also think you hoped he would be faithful. The fact of the matter is you’re no different than any other woman out there. You pretend to be the essence of a modern woman with your career and self-sufficient attitude, but you really just want to fall in love, get married, and have a baby or two.” Andy was annoyingly presumptuous, but deep down I wasn’t sure I totally disagreed.

  “Your pretend relationship with Jim—”

  “James!” I yelled.

  “Who cares? The point is that it was a way for you to take a look inside and protect yourself from getting hurt if it wasn’t right. You built up a wall.” He crouched down, leaning his elbows on my desk and held his hands up so I couldn’t see his face. Then he brought them down. “You’re the only one inside the wall and everything else is on the other side. No one can get in, but you can’t get out either. Do you see what I mean?”

  “Where are you going with this?” Hopefully out of my office.

  “It’s simple. You get your heart broken, and instead of accepting it for what it was, you turned it on the entire male species. It gives you no accountability in what happened, and if you think about it, it doesn’t hold Chad accountable either. You accepted the idea that ALL men cheat as truth so you wouldn’t have to deal with your own feelings about what happened.”

  “No, I—”

  He shushed me. “The bottom line is you’re not going to be able to make things right again until you realize that your generalization about men and fidelity is fallible.”

  “Wait,” I interrupted and he finally let me. “I thought you agreed. You said all men would cheat.”

  He cocked his head back with a sour look. “Please. Nothing fits perfectly. You have to make exceptions.”

  I was quiet.

  “You need to accept that what happened between you and Chad was just between you and Chad. Maybe it was your fault. Maybe it wasn’t. Either way, you can’t make everyone suffer for your unresolved issues.”

  “Are you done?” I asked.

  “Yeah, that pretty much covers it.” He stood with his hands on his hips and smiled as if he’d accomplished something great.

  “How is it that you’re so arrogant?” I said staring at his self-satisfied face, which was also annoyingly kind of handsome. He was right, and I found myself in the position of being obtuse. In fact, most of the time he was right, which drove me crazy. He made everything sound so obvious, but until he spelled it out for me the answer hadn’t been so clear. It still wasn’t, and I wasn’t quite ready to admit defeat. But I had the feeling I’d soon have to.

  “I’m right, aren’t I?”

  Yes, I thought, but instead said, “Let me think about it.”

  “Fine.” He turned to leave. “Same time next week?”

  “Definitely not!” I yelled out, but I was sure he ignored me.

  Over the next couple of days Andy’s words rang in my head like a bad tequila hangover. Holly and Rachel made no contact with me, and of course, I hadn’t heard anything from or about James. I couldn’t quiet my mind. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely eat, and I hadn’t heard a word of what my patients were saying during our sessions. My life had become a total mess, a mess I created. More and more, I began to realize the whole thing was my fault, and there were fewer and fewer reasons to justify my actions. How could I have let myself make such a huge, irreversible mistake?

  Andy said I couldn’t make things right until I realized that not all men are unfaithful. I couldn’t let it go, haunted by the fact that I’d been so badly duped. How could I escape the idea that the men in my life were always trying to put one over on me? Then again, as far as I knew James and Michael had been faithful. While David, Chad, and Anderson were not. If I had been performing a real study and those men were my sample, then statistically sixty percent of men are unfaithful, which is exactly what the published studies had concluded. Maybe it was true. Maybe forty percent of men were faithful. It still wasn’t enough. Who was to say Michael and James wouldn’t make a bad choice eventually? There was a lifetime of opportunity and temptation.

  I needed convincing, one more answer to push me to one side or the other. The next day, I left work early and drove down to San Jose to see my dad on the golf course where my mom told me he would be. By the time I got there, he was on the ninth hole.

  “Dad,” I yelled. With the bright sun overhead, he squinted when he looked my way.

  “Marin, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?” He approached concerned and since he was my daddy, I started to cry.

  “No, Dad,” I sobbed. “I need your help. I really messed up.”

  “What happened?” he asked. My tears went from a light mist to a humiliating down pour. It was the first time I had cried since the night everything went to shit. He rubbed my back while his golf buddies stared. I willed myself to stop, but I couldn’t control it.

  “I don’t even know where to star
t,” I said through my tears. He called to his friends that he had to leave, then took me inside the clubhouse for a drink.

  Finally, my tears ceased and he asked me again what was going on. I told him everything, the truth about Chad, the book Unspoken, the scheme I came up with, how I fooled James, how David fooled Rachel, and how I had made a fool of everyone, me being the biggest fool of all. He listened carefully and even though I knew he was appalled at most of the things I told him, he was kind enough to keep it hidden.

  “I need to ask you something, and I need you to answer honestly.” I stared into his hazel eyes that mirrored my own and started to tear up again. “Please, Dad, please tell me the truth. I will never say a word or bring this up ever again.” He took a deep breath and agreed.

  “Have you ever been unfaithful to Mom?”

  I had done it, asked one of the most intimate and personal questions ever asked, especially of your own father. He and my mom had been married for almost forty years. The two of them were madly in love. It was the kind of love that inspired me to fall in love, get married, and be a couples therapist. On the other hand, he surely had plenty of opportunities and temptations. He was a good-looking, successful doctor and my mother wasn’t always easy to deal with. His answer could easily have been ‘yes.’

  He gave me a thoughtful look and took my hand.

  “No,” he said. “I can honestly say I’ve never been unfaithful to your mother.” I gasped as if my lungs had been restored with fresh air and shed a tear of relief.

  “But the book says men will lie to their grave about indiscretions.” It was a little snide of me to say, but this was too important to take at face value.

  “Have I ever lied to you?” He asked, and I tried to think back. I couldn’t remember him ever lying about something important. Even when I questioned him about Santa at only six, he told me the truth.

  “No.” I said, and so I believed him.

  When I returned home, I was emotionally drained, but my mind was racing. There was only one remedy that could help clear my head—a run. The air had cooled since the early afternoon and it was slightly overcast. My temperature stayed even while I ran, which helped maintain my stamina. It was perfect and allowed plenty of time to sort my thoughts about how I could fix things with Rachel and David, Holly, and particularly James.