The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories

by Brina Courtney

  My guilt worsened over those last few days. I felt compelled to reach out and explain myself to him even though he probably never wanted to see or speak to me again. Why did I care so much about James when Holly and Rachel meant so much more? I thought about how we first met and how kind he was to such a clumsy girl. I thought about the fireworks on the Fourth of July and how much my family liked him. I thought about our camping trip, and how I felt when I realized he wasn’t a bad guy. He was actually a good guy, a really good guy, and I had messed it all up. I was a fool. Not just because I was careless with him, but because I had been blind to him. Did I really give him up on the notion that he might cheat on me one day? It was no way to live, and it was definitely no way to love.

  There, running underneath the clouds in the park, I felt it, a shift in my thinking, the realization that Andy was talking about. I tossed the ideas about infidelity out of my head and onto the pavement, leaving room for all the beliefs I held before. For the first time, I accepted my feelings for James. Real feelings. Strong feelings. Feelings I wanted to feel, beliefs I wanted to believe for a man I wanted to love. I wanted happily ever after, and I wanted it with him.

  Then, like an act of God, raindrops fell from the sky. I looked up at the clouds. The rain covered my face and cooled me from the run. It was like a fresh shower to wash away all the horrible things from the past six months and break new ground for the future. Walking home in the downpour left me exhilarated by the release of my once heavy burden. I recalled the affirmation from the meditation book Holly gave me, the one I so proudly threw away, and thought it over and over until I got home. It was my found-again truth—I am a strong woman and I deserve love.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Make It Right

  My soaked sneakers sloshed as I walked into my building. All I wanted was to take a warm shower and head to bed so I could start fresh in the morning. Instead, I walked inside and found Holly on the couch. I stood still, waiting for her face to show some indication of what she was thinking, feeling, doing, but it didn’t.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hi.” She was distant, like she didn’t want to be in my apartment.

  “You’re back.”

  “Yeah,” she said quietly and stood.

  “How’s Rachel?”

  “Not great, but she’ll be okay.”

  I nodded and glanced at the floor, watching the water drip off of me, leaving a puddle at my feet. Tears began to surface as I felt a sudden urge to bare my soul. I looked into the eyes of my best friend, wondering if our friendship would ever be the same. The urge became uncontrollable and my tears burst free, startling Holly.

  “Holly, I’m so sorry. I made a huge mistake. I know that now. If I could go back I would undo everything, but I can’t. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, but please know I am so, so sorry.” I sobbed my pitiful apology and continued to cry for the moments she stood there staring at me. Then, she put her arms around me.

  “I know, Marin. It’s okay,” she said in her sweet, loving voice. Her sympathy didn’t absolve my crimes, but did increase my guilt.

  “No, it’s not. I strained our friendship. I ruined Rachel and David’s marriage, and . . . and . . . I lost James. I was so stubborn that I couldn’t see the truth right in front of me. How can I ever fix this?”

  She gave a familiar long face, one I had seen many times over the years when I had any sadness in my life. A look that meant she understood and even felt my pain.

  “I don’t know,” she said.

  After a hot shower and a change into warm, dry clothes, I sat in the living room snuggled in a blanket near Holly and sipping green tea.

  “Where’ve you been the past few days?” I asked.

  “At our parent’s condo on the bay. We stayed there until yesterday.”

  “Where’s Rachel?”

  “She went home to talk to David.”

  “What’s she going to do?” I asked, terrified of the answer.

  “I don’t know. One minute she loves him and the next she wants him dead.”

  “Well, she’s angry.”

  “Yeah, but I think she wants it to work. It’s not like they’re dating. They’re married.”

  I nodded in agreement. They should try to work it out. It’s not going to be easy, but it was possible. I had seen couples overcome extramarital affairs and regain trust.

  “That’s what you should do, Marin.” Holly said with the emphasis of a great idea.

  “What?”

  “You can counsel David and Rachel.”

  “No,” I said, “I’m sure they don’t want anything to do with me, let alone giving me access to their private marital life.”

  “Why not? If anyone can help them patch things up it’s you. I’m sure they’ll go for it. Especially if it were . . . pro bono.” She carefully snuck in that last part. I looked at her like she was crazy, then she lifted her brow and pursed her lips as if to say, do this or else.

  “Okay. If they go for it, I’ll go for it.”

  Holly smiled. “What about James?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t even know where to begin with him.”

  “What if you explain everything? I mean you’re not crazy, you were heartbroken.”

  “I doubt he would see it that way. Plus, he has his own issues with deception. He’ll probably never trust another woman again, especially me.” I frowned, knowing that getting James back would be a hopeless cause.

  “You know that for sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty positive he wants nothing to do with me.”

  “Well, you’ll never know for sure until you try. You care about him right?”

  I nodded and my eyes stung with a fresh glaze of tears. My situation had come full circle, heartbroken, tearful, and pathetic.

  “I think I’m in love with him.” My heart pounded deeply as the words left my mouth and got caught in my throat. It was the first moment I realized just how much I cared about James.

  “Then you have to go get him,” Holly said, and she was right. If I wanted James back, I would have to go for it. Really go for it. I’d be taking a big chance, bigger than leaving Chad, bigger than playing James, and bigger than fooling myself. It was my true make it or break it moment, and I was ready because I believed in love. I stood for love—morning breath, movie-night in, grow old together love.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’m gonna do it.”

  Holly applauded, beaming, then tackled me with a playful hug. We sat side by side, our arms around one another, and our heads leaning together.

  “Are we okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re a good friend, Holly. You have every reason to be angry with me right now, but instead you’re here, helping me.”

  She released herself from our embrace and looked at me. “Marin, you’re my family. Yes, what you did was bad, but you’re not a bad person. I know that better than anyone. You’re going to have to do a lot worse to get rid of me.” She pinched my cheek and I smiled. And in that moment, we were kids again and she was forgiving me for selfishly eating all of the good cereal. Just like that, we were back to being us.

  The next day I took a basket of muffins to Rachel and David’s house in an attempt to make amends. Rachel was home alone, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt with her hair in a messy ponytail. Her eyelashes were so thick and dark even without mascara that she appeared evening ready. She thanked me for the pastries and offered me a cup of coffee. We sat in her kitchen eating from the basket of goods while we cleared the air.

  “I want you to know I’m not mad at you over any of this,” Rachel said.

  “You’re not?” I asked.

  “No. Why should I be? Besides, you’re the one who told me not to go looking for trouble unless I was ready to deal with finding it.”

  “So why did you go looking for trouble?” I asked.

  She sighed and looked away. “I always had the thought in the back of my mind and in the pit of
my stomach, but I ignored it because I was so in love with him. I just needed to know for sure.”

  “Well now that you know, how do you feel?” I asked and waited patiently while she seemed to thoroughly consider her answer.

  “I have so many feelings and don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to think about love or marriage or trust”

  “Yeah, but how do you feel?”

  “I love David, despite everything. He’s my husband. On the other hand, I don’t know if I want to put up with it. The memory of it will never go away.”

  “I know how you feel. Looking back, I gave up because what we had wasn’t worth fighting for, not because he cheated. I know I can do better.”

  “Yeah, I thought about that. Part of me feels like I can do better, but the other part of me feels like David takes good care of me. He makes me laugh, he helps me with the dishes, he even supports my scrapbooking hobby.” She let out a little laugh and I joined.

  “Those are important things too. Do you really want to give those up because of one mistake.”

  “No, not for one mistake, but how can I trust he won’t do it again every chance he gets?” I watched her face turn sorrowful, tears wetting her eyes. She picked needlessly at her banana nut muffin. It broke my heart to see her like that, especially because I knew all too well what it was like, the racing thoughts, the sleepless nights, the decisions about the future. Her road was not an easy one, but I wanted to be there to see her through no matter what she decided. I couldn’t let her go off the deep end and make the same mistakes I had.

  “I don’t know Rachel, but I want to help you find out. I want you and David to start seeing me a couple times a week for counseling. If you want to try, I can help you.”

  She let out a big sob and she covered her face with her hands. “Really?” she asked through her tears. I nodded. She grabbed me tightly, and I held her while she cried on my shoulder. All I wanted was to hold her and take her pain away.

  “Thank you,” she said, and I smiled with relief.

  It had been less than a week since my whole world shattered in front of me. Again. Already I was making headway toward putting it back together. Holly and I were in a good place. Rachel agreed to start counseling, and I was starting to feel more like myself again. The issue of James still loomed, but I planned to make an honest and humble attempt to tell him how I felt.

  Later, I took a cab, a box of things he left at my place, and my timorous nerves to his apartment. Since his car was parked on the street, there was a good chance he was home. My hands shook as I walked up the stairs to the door and buzzed his apartment. I held my breath.

  “Hello?” he spoke through the intercom. The sound of his voice made the shiver in my hands shoot throughout the rest of my body, and my heart pounded in my ears.

  “It’s Marin, can I come up?” I waited for his response, dreading the answer no. The intercom clicked on with a deep sigh.

  “I don’t want to see you right now.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to get upset.

  “I brought your stuff back,” I said into the intercom.

  “Just leave it on the steps.”

  He wouldn’t even let me upstairs to his door, not even to shut it in my face. I felt defeated and decided to cut my losses, leaving the box of things behind me. When I reached the sidewalk I glanced up at the building at his window. We were physically so close, and yet so emotionally far away from where we were. I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage to come back and try again, so I turned around, walked back up the stairs, and buzzed his apartment again. He didn’t say anything.

  “James, if you can hear me . . . ” I started, gulping down my pride, “I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m not at all proud of what I’ve done, and I don’t intend to defend it.” I let the intercom go for a moment. No response.

  “What I did to you was terrible and there are no excuses for it. I think you deserve an explanation why.” I paused and looked around. This was a private matter, but given that I was standing outside of the building, it felt public. And I was right. Standing on the sidewalk was an older couple just watching me, listening. They seemed to have no shame about it too. Old people get away with a lot sometimes. I gave them a humiliating glare, cleared my throat, and continued my plea.

  “The reason is, I was heartbroken. I came home one night to find my fiancé having an affair. It destroyed me and everything I believed in. I thought that I would never breathe again. Then I found this stupid book that said all men cheat and lie about it. That it's in their nature and there’s no exceptions. And I believed it. I believed it so much that I was determined to prove that his affair was in no way my fault.” By then, a woman and her dog had stopped next to the old couple, everyone seemed to hang on my every word. As if pouring my heart into an intercom wasn’t mortifying enough, James’ neighborhood wanted to humble me further. I sighed.

  “So I used you. Unforgivably, I used you. After the camping trip, I decided to call it off. I had real feelings for you. I have feelings for you, but I couldn’t carry on a relationship that I started dishonestly. Then David cheated on Rachel and I got all fired up again, and then you found out. So what I’m trying to say is I'm sorry. I wish I could take it all back, because you are a great man, and I know now that you were faithful. I am so sorry I tried to disprove that. You deserve someone as amazing as you are, someone who would never doubt you for a second. And . . .” I started crying there in front of the old couple, the woman, her dog, some teenager on his bike, and the intercom.

  “I wish I could go back, and I wish I could be that person for you.” I let the intercom go so I could let out a sob. It was pitiful, but my attempt was honest and complete. I pressed the intercom button one last time. “Goodbye James. I wish you all the best.”

  I rushed downstairs past the crowd that assembled to watch my confession. My feet couldn’t carry me any faster as the wind dried my tears. When I got home, Holly and Telly were waiting for me with coffee and my favorite blueberry scones. I skipped both and instead curled up on the couch to mope.

  “What happened?” Holly asked.

  “He wouldn’t even see me. I had to apologize over his building’s intercom while the neighbors watched. It was humiliating.” They expressed wide eyes and pouted lips.

  “Do you think he heard it?” Telly asked.

  “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It’s over. He won’t even see me. I’m alone again.” I leaned into Holly, sobbing. Telly sat on the other side next to me and put her arm over my shoulders. It broke my heart to think that I had ended up at the same bitter end where I started six months earlier.

  “You’re not alone, Marin,” Telly said.

  Holly lifted my chin so I could see her face. “You have us,” she said. I was touched, fortunate to have such amazing friends.

  “I love you guys,” I said.

  “We love you too,” they said.

  The three of us huddled together on my couch, grieving the things we lost and grateful for the things we still had.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Comes Around . . .

  It was a Tuesday morning when I awoke suddenly from a dream about James and I walking in the park. Nothing special or unique, but it felt so real. At one time, it was real. I closed my eyes and tried to return to the dream, wanting to have another moment with him, but it was gone. My waking remnants of the dream made me miss him even more than I had in those last few weeks since I attempted to clear things up with him. Since then, I had resisted the urge to call or stop by his apartment. My heart skipped a beat, every time someone knocked on my door or called my phone. I always hoped it was James, but it never was.

  It was a quiet, cool October morning. A morning like that should’ve felt peaceful, but instead it felt empty, lonelier than ever. Holly had moved back into her own apartment, which had been a difficult adjustment. I had less in my life to keep me distracted from the pain I felt and the pain I caused.

  To
cope, I busied myself with work, taking on more patients and working later hours. Unbelievably, Andy still counseled me, putting me through an emotional boot camp. It was a rare, yet effective style. His style. He helped me understand my insecurities about my family, about what happened with Chad, and about myself. I made good progress—his words, not mine. But that’s the thing about therapy, the patient is really the only one who knows when they’re ready to move on.

  On my way to work, I got my usual call from Telly.

  “What’s up, girl?” she asked with excitement.

  “The usual. What’s going on?”

  “Same. So listen, why don’t you and I get all dressed up and go out tonight. I can’t even remember the last time we went to a bar together,” she said.

  “No, I can’t. I have to work. Plus the marathon’s coming up soon, and I don’t feel like going out drinking,” I said, which was the truth.

  “Marin, you’ve been working like crazy lately. Can’t you get out of it and go out with me? Please!”

  “I’m really not in the mood, Tell.”

  “I get it. You’re in a funk. I’m trying to help you out of it. Come out with me for one hour. If you feel the same then we can go back to your place and watch reruns of The Golden Girls.”

  “You’re the only person I know who still watches that show.”

  “Whatever, are you coming or not?” she said.

  I knew she wouldn’t stop until I said yes. “Fine, but just for an hour.”

  That evening I left work around six, giving myself plenty of time to get ready. It was the first time I had been out with Telly in months. We’d slowed down on the bar scene after I was “settled” with James and she was settled with Will. Now, since we were both newly single, it seemed perfectly natural to venture out again, if not just for a couple of hours of needed attention. Though, the only man’s attention I yearned for was James’, and I didn’t think that would change anytime soon.