I laughed as I dug some Zofran out of my bag and handed her one.
"Hangover candy. You're a god." She fell onto the bed. "What happened to you last night?"
"Braedyn happened."
She shot up. "Oh shit. What happened? Tell me now!"
"Nothing. Well, he kissed me. That's why I left."
"Crap, Len. I'm sorry."
"You should be. You're the one who put me in this predicament." I was starting to fume.
"So, he told you."
"You should have told me. It wasn't right, Ky. You should know better than this. You're getting married. You need to grow up." I was yelling louder than I intended to, but everything that was building up over the weekend was starting to bubble over. Hell, everything that she had ever done to me was resurfacing.
"All I have been hearing about for years is how you needed closure. When he contacted me, I saw this as an opportunity to give you that. I didn't think he would kiss you!"
"You know what? It's done, and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. I did get my closure, but it doesn't make what you did right. Now, I have to figure out if I'm going to tell Dean or not."
I gathered the last of my things off of the bathroom sink. I opened one of the prescription bottles and took a pill. My hands were shaking. I needed to calm down. I didn't even bother asking what happened with her. I didn't want to know. I didn't care. I had enough to deal with now because of her. She could deal with her own shit.
"You're mad at me?" she suspected.
"You're highly perceptive this morning," I snapped sarcastically. "I need to get on the road. I'm glad I got to say goodbye. To both of you." I grabbed my bags and headed out the door, leaving her on my bed. I continually questioned our friendship, and this was just another thing to add to the cons side of the list.
****
Present
I called Kylie to come over and have a glass of wine with me. I needed someone to talk to about the decisions I needed to make, but I also needed someone to be there to gather the pieces of me that would surely shatter. I met her out front, so she wouldn't wake the kids. Getting Drew to go to sleep wasn't easy. He understood how dire the situation was with his dad, and it was already affecting him. I made a mental note to call the child psychologist in the morning to make an appointment. I had a better idea of how to deal with him because I had experienced it my entire life, but I was scared to say or do something wrong that would permanently scar him.
I handed her a glass of wine when she reached me.
"Thanks, girl. How are the kids?"
"Lexus seems fine, but Drew is internalizing. It scares the shit out of me. He's so much like me." We walked back into the house and sat on the couch. "I'm on my second, so you have some catching up to do."
"That bad, huh?"
She knew I rarely drank.
"What did the doctor say?"
"He basically said I had a choice. Either to let him live like a vegetable, so the kids can say they still have a dad, or pull the plug and let him go."
"They don't think there's any chance he can be one of those miracle cases?"
"They wouldn't be miracles if they expected them to happen."
"True. I don't know, Len. What are you thinking?"
I couldn't tell her what I was really thinking. That I wanted to jump off a bridge and end it, so I didn't have to make a choice. "Dean made me promise I would never let him live like that. He didn't want this for us or himself, but I don't think he thought this would actually happen. He always joked that he would die of cancer from all the crap on the job when he was old and gray. Freak accidents are such a rarity that we just didn't take it seriously."
We drank our wine while reality settled on us. To think just a few weeks ago I wanted to strangle her, and now I didn't know how I would ever live without her.
"I think you know what you need to do, Lenny."
I did. I knew I couldn't let him live like that, but I also held onto the chance that he would be one of those miracles. That he would all of a sudden wake up and smile and crack some stupid joke about if he missed much. He always tried to lighten up the mood when things got heavy. I would have to fill that gap now along with many others in his absence. I had to find a way to be more than what I was for the kids.
"You know I'll help you with anything, the kids, funeral arrangements, kicking some ass. Anything," she said dead seriously.
I started laughing and crying concurrently. "I love you hard, girl."
"I love you hard, too."
It was a rare moment to see Kylie cry, but she was. She had been with us from the beginning and became close to Dean when we broke up and when we lived together. We made inappropriate jokes about her being his second wife. I wasn't the only one losing him. So many would feel his loss, but none as much as the kids and me.
Kylie planned on staying with me for a while. She was staying in a local hotel, but it seemed like a silly waste of money when she was more than welcome here, and I needed her. I went to bed with a gnarly headache from the cocktail of tears and alcohol. It was probably a good thing that I wasn't taking my meds anymore. I had a feeling wine would become my new best friend. It definitely took the edge off.
****
In the morning, we went about our normal routine, only Aunt Kylie was here now. The kids seemed to like having her around, but it alerted Drew to the fact that things were different. He didn't say much before school. I even contemplated keeping him home, but I needed to go to the hospital and tell them what I had decided. I had an appointment at ten.
Kylie came with me. I needed her strength sitting next to me. When we got out of the elevator, there was a bit of chaos. The crash cart was being wheeled down the hall. When it turned into Dean's room, I ran. My heart was racing so fast I couldn't breathe. Not yet. It was too soon. I stopped in the doorway and watched the doctor standing over him trying to bring him back. Every time the pads lifted up his chest I jumped. He was suffering. He wanted to go, but I wasn't letting him go.
"We have a heartbeat," the doctor said.
His words almost sounded sad as if he knew this was a hopeless case. I moved out of the way as the nurses filed out with the crash cart. The doctor stayed.
"He's trying to go," he said quietly.
"I know. I'm the one who can't let go. Can I have a minute alone with him?" I said to him and Kylie.
"Of course," he replied as he moved past me.
"I'll be right outside," Kylie said as she closed the door.
I walked slowly to Dean's bedside and brushed his hair out of his face. It had grown long and facial hair had been filling in on his face. He looked peaceful. I pulled the sheet over his exposed chest.
"I'm going to let you go now, Dean, but I promise I will love you every day for the rest of my life." I climbed into bed and rested my head on his shoulder. "I will remember you before the accident and never forget the life and love you brought to my life. I will remember you for your stupid jokes, your romantic gestures, and your relentless hope in my sanity. I will carry your strength for the children, and I will never disappoint you again. Don't fight any more. Don't suffer any more. I promise we will be okay. You can let go now. I will hold on forever." I cried into the protection of his chest, imprinting everything about him to memory, his scent, the feel of his skin, the lines on his face, the scars on his arms, and even his breathing. I would remember every inch of this man inside and out.
Kylie woke me up. I had fallen asleep on Dean.
"Do you want me to get the kids?"
I was disoriented. "What time is it?"
"Noon."
"No, it's okay. They need to see me as much as possible now." I gave Dean a kiss on the cheek and slid off the bed. Before I left, I turned and said, "I love you Dean Ashford. Forever." Kylie took my hand and squeezed it.
I never got a chance to talk to the doctor that day, but it turns out, I didn't need to. He called me shortly after I left to tell me Dean had passed away. They
tried to save him, but his heart had weakened too much. I was at home with the kids when I got the call. Dean's last gift to me was saving me from having to choose between his life and death.
I hung the phone up in a daze. I knew this was coming, but you can never really prepare yourself for it. We had been living with a false sense of hope for so long that this was inevitable. I think I finally got to that point where I had no more tears left to shed. My heart had hardened, my emotions had numbed, and my soul had become empty. Something I felt was necessary to have the strength to be there for my children and to shield myself from any breakdowns. I wasn't sure how someone could come out of a breakdown of that magnitude and I didn't want to find out.
Kylie knew by the look on my face what had occurred. She was watching TV with the kids. She snuck away and gave me a hug. She knew there were no words of comfort and that I just needed a warm body to embrace me. She put her forehead on mine and looked me in the eye.
"We will get through this together."
I nodded and then pulled away to go sit with the kids. They snuggled on either side of me. I would keep them home from school tomorrow and tell them then. It might have been selfish, but I wanted one more night in our false little reality where Daddy was just at work and not gone.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Preparing for the funeral was awful, but Kylie was very helpful. Dean was getting the traditional department send off. His coffin would be driven on the back of the engine in a processional in the center of the city followed by engines, trucks, ambulances, and led by a police officer. It was quite a spectacle, and just thinking about it gave me anxiety, but it was a great honor and one that Dean deserved.
I chose a beautiful cemetery to be the ceremony spot rather than a church. We weren't as religious as we should have been and it just didn't feel right to have it there. The cemetery was pretty exclusive. Most people bought plots well before they needed to just to guarantee a spot, but there were special ones reserved for local firemen, police officers, and servicemen.
I think picking the coffin was the oddest of all the experiences. If it weren't for the tradition, I probably would have had him cremated, but then the irony was a little creepy. The whole thing was creepy. In the end, I had Kylie pick the coffin. I gave her guidelines, of course, or he would have ended up in some crazy rock star set up.
The gravestone was the most difficult. First picking the style, then the size, and the worst was the inscription. I knew what I wanted to write, but I didn't have the words exactly right yet, so I did what I could and left the inscription for later.
Lexus understood that her daddy was gone. She had an idea of what death meant, but I knew that it wouldn't really make sense to her until more time had passed with his absence. Drew was handling it in his own way. In my way. I was thankful that he got needier for me rather than pulling away, though. It was something we both needed. He was also going to start seeing the child psychologist a few times a week. We met her once and I really liked her. She was fresh out of graduate school, so she was young and friendly and she was up-to-date on the latest trends for helping children. Drew really liked her too, which was all that mattered.
It had been almost a week since Dean passed away. The funeral was in a couple of days, and I still needed to finalize the inscription. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and let the words flow through me.
A firefighter's flame will never cease if it burns bright in the hearts of his loved ones, in the souls of the ones he tried to save, and in the memories of the lives he touched.
It was perfect. I never wanted my kids to forget that Dean was alive in us and everyone he ever came in contact with. He was all around us. We just needed to believe. I brushed my hand over the words as if they would emit some magical power. The magic was in their meanings, and I would make sure to put it up somewhere in our house for us all to remember.
I chose three pictures to display at the ceremony, Dean's official department picture, a recent one of all four of us, and our honeymoon picture. It was one of our favorite memories together that we had promised we would recreate one day.
We never got that chance.
Kylie handled the flowers. I wasn't picky about that. We opted not to have a reception. It was too much for the kids and me. I would stick around until everyone felt they had a chance to offer their condolences, but my parents were going to take the kids home directly after the ceremony with Dean's parents. They only needed to be surrounded by their immediate family. That's all that really mattered to me.
****
I didn't know what was harder, today being the day of the funeral or going through Dean's things to donate. Kylie thought it was too soon, but I needed to start purging. The sooner we could move on the better for all of us. I could handle the constant reminder, but the kids were already asking why we still had Daddy's things if he wasn't coming back. Well, mainly Lexus. Drew understood much more.
I started in the closet. I turned the light on and stared at his side. In the back was where he stored all his band shirts that he couldn't part with from his younger years. They still fit him too, but he rarely wore them. I didn't want to get rid of those. They had sentimental value to him, so I was going to put those away for Drew when he was big enough. He would appreciate it.
I pulled them off the hangers and folded them carefully, putting them into a storage bin. The other clothes I threw into a large black trash bag to give away. We were always donating, so I knew Dean would be okay with it. Every once in a while I came across something that I wanted to save for Drew. I kept all his work shirts for me. I was already sleeping in one every night, and I probably always would.
I went through all his drawers and tossed the socks and underwear into the trash. I kept some of the beanies for Drew. Even Lexus would wear some of them. I just wanted to keep some pieces of him for the kids when they got older.
"Are you going to get ready soon?" Kylie asked as she popped her head in and took inventory of all the bags.
"Is it already that time? Yeah, I'll get the kids ready first."
Getting us ready was like living in slow motion. I didn't want the time to come to say our official goodbyes. It had been hanging in the air for so long that I had come attached to that feeling. Now, it was going to be severed, and it would be replaced with a new feeling of emptiness. I just wanted to get my kids through this with the least amount of damage as possible. No child should have to go through this.
I stared at myself in the mirror. I wore the traditional black color for my dress, but wore a green scarf, Dean's favorite color. It was his favorite color because it was Drew's favorite color. I had requested that everyone wear it in some way as a tribute to him. Drew wore a green shirt, and Lexus matched me. Kylie wore a black shirt with a black and green striped skirt. Her fiancé was picking her up. The kids and I would be picked up by the chief's car and then ride on the engine carrying his coffin. His engine. It was fitting that he takes his last ride in death on the engine that gave him his last ride in life.
How do you survive a funeral? One minute at a time. That's the only way. I carried Lexus out to the chief's car, and Drew held my other hand. It was the quietest and longest minutes of my life. Lexus gripped onto me for dear life, and Drew was suctioned to my leg.
I was their only protector now and instinctively their little minds knew it. I sat in the back with the kids because I knew separating from them was out of the question. The chief was sweet and didn't say a word other than hello. I was picking furiously at the skin around my nails and noticed that Drew was doing the same. He was too much like me.
I was overwhelmed by the crowd we drove by to get to the engine. The sea of black looked like the dark depths of the ocean. What was even more captivating were the spots of green adorned on each one. It made my heart happy. All these people were here for my Dean.
Turner was waiting by the engine for us. He was wearing his black dress uniform and green scarf wrapped around his wrist like a bracelet.
This was such a monumental loss for everyone. The kids maintained their positions on me after we got out of the car. Turner approached us and gave me an awkward hug around the kids.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi."
"You ready to do this?"
I looked around. "I don't think we have much of a choice."
"I guess you're right." He smiled carefully.
He put his arm around me and ushered us into the engine. It was extremely hard to be in here. Imagining this is where Dean sat on and off for almost ten years was gut-wrenching. I could feel his presence. Turner sat in the front with the engineer. He turned around and placed a hat on Drew's head.
"That was your dad's."
No reaction from him. I would normally correct his bad manners, but I would be letting a lot slide in the coming days.
"Thank you, Turner," I said instead. I leaned down to Drew's ear and whispered, "It looks great on you, sweetie." He snuck a small smile at the ground.
They turned on the siren and pulled out onto the street. It was amazing how many people had lined up along the street. The air was filled with bagpipes playing taps as a small band walked just in front of us. Word had spread about wearing green. Not one person was seen without it. It even caught Drew's attention.
"Look, Mommy. Everyone's wearing green."
"They sure are, honey. Your dad was very loved." I was starting to get worried about Lexus. I think it was starting to hit her that Dean wasn't coming home. She had gotten more and more despondent over the past few days, and I think this was too much for her, but all I could do was hold her tight and not let her go.
It was a long and lovely processional to the cemetery. It was exactly how I imagined it from seeing other funerals on TV, but the green made it unique. Dean would be remembered, and the green would signify how special he was.
The funeral was tough on me, but even more so on the kids. They listened to beloved stories from friends and family about their dad, but it only made them miss him more. I was proud that only a few tears had managed to escape from me. I was trying my hardest to keep it together for the kids, but I also wanted them to know it was all right to express their sadness.
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