That’s when I slump to the floor and let the tears fall. Everything is gone. It’s not starting over that’s scaring me. It’s giving up everything I’ve known and loved. It’s hard to know I still care about someone who could be so cruel. It’s hard to fathom I never saw the side of him that he kept hidden from me. It’s worse to consider that not even my parents think I’m doing the right thing.
Being alone sucks. I’m struggling. I want to be strong, but it’s not that simple. Nothing ever is. Life isn’t black and white. I’m sitting directly in a giant gray patch and I’m unsure if I can find my way out of it this time.
Chapter 6
Brant
Our romp in the sheets only helped while it was happening. I had little to say during dinner, and even less when it was time to settle in for the night. Leigh knows something is bothering me. She asked me several times if it was about her. The more I tried to reassure her, the harder it was for me to express myself without regret.
Something is wrong with me. I’ve seen a ghost from my past. She’s currently caring for my dog, and all I want to do is comfort her.
I barely sleep, waking up with a headache and a sour stomach, but I know I have to work. I get up and start the shower, letting the stream of water wash away my doubt. I need to commit to my engagement and not fret about the things I’m unable to fix. The more I contemplate seeing her, the harder it is to hold back. I need to know she’s happy and that the pain I caused her didn’t keep her from having everything she deserved.
Since my dad won’t be around for a few days, I say screw it and call my brothers, letting them know they’ll need to take care of business for one more day without me. Then I kiss my unknowing girlfriend goodbye and head to the veterinary clinic, where I have a feeling I’m about to wear my heart on my sleeve for the first damn time in ten years.
I’m a bundle of nerves as I sit outside the clinic and wait for someone to draw the blinds. It’s still early, and I know they’re not officially open for another twenty minutes, but I’m hoping to catch her alone. Jamie always liked being early when she was younger. I can only assume she’s still the same way with her career.
While I sit with my motor still on, the radio playing at a low volume, I’m unaware someone is approaching from the driver’s side window. The first knock scares the daylights out of me. Quickly I turn to see who I’d least expect. She already crossed her arms in front of her chest and waits for me to step from the vehicle.
I shut off the engine and take a few deep breaths. Looking at her for only a second has my heart palpitating. I step out while refusing to make eye contact. I’m aware it’s going to be impossible to avoid her forever, but I need to gather my bearings before I’ll be comfortable with it.
Instead of calling her out, I state the obvious to make myself look less suspicious. “I came to pick up my dog. Wasn’t sure what time you opened.”
“Eight,” she quickly replies, immediately pointing into the yard where Brimley is emptying his bladder. “He’s back to his old self. I’ve got to say, he was good company last night.”
I scratch my head. “Yeah, he looks good.” I crouch down and call out for him. “Brim. Come here boy.”
He darts for me when he hears my voice. He’s jumping up into my arms, licking over my face so much I have to stand to avoid being drooled on.
“You checked on him throughout the night?” I keep looking at the dog instead of Jamie.
She lets out an air-filled laugh. “I kept him in the house with me. I wanted him to be able to walk around and stretch. I’m sure he was scared yesterday, so I wanted to show him everything would be okay. Besides, that big house needs to be filled with critters, so I enjoyed seeing what it will be like once I fill it with pets of my own.”
“Thanks,” I say, refusing eye contact. “How much do I owe you?”
“Jean does the billing. You’ll have to wait for her.” She’s so dry, as if being in the presence of me repulses her. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to start prepping for my first appointment of the day.” Jamie turns and begins walking toward the entrance of the building as if she can get rid of me.
I let her get about ten feet away before I can’t take it anymore. “I would have thought you’d have a farm full of animals.”
She doesn’t turn to face me, but stops dead in her tracks. “I’m not the same person you knew when we were kids.”
“Yeah, I gathered that much. Married.” I can hardly say it without feeling jealous and I don’t know why. “I’m glad you’re happy, Jamie. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.”
When she finally gives me all of her attention it’s not what I expect to see. She looks like she’s about to break down in tears. I’m obviously someone she doesn’t want to be talking to.
“I knew eventually I’d have to see you again, Brant.”
“Small town.”
She nods.
“You should have stopped by the house.” Even though I’m not living there, knowing she’d visited would make all this easier. Instead I’m standing with my tail between my legs wondering how I’m supposed to apologize for things I said and did to her years ago.
“That wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t move my life to the island to drudge up the past. I came here to take over my uncle’s practice.”
“And your husband?” I have to ask. “Did he find work nearby? Is he a local?”
Her lips purse together, an almost frown forming across her still laminating face. “Did you come here to pry in my life, or pick up your dog? I don’t know if you just assumed we’d go back to being friends, but I’m afraid it’s not possible. I’m not a naïve teenager anymore. I’m a grown woman with a life. Things change. I’ve changed. I thought you’d get the hint yesterday when I didn’t acknowledge knowing you.”
“Jamie, I need to...”
She stops me. “Let’s not do this. There’s too much going on in my life right now to add to the mix. I don’t have the energy.” She points to the door of the veterinary clinic. “I’m going inside to get to work. If you want to get up with Jean later in the day it’s fine with me. I’m gone most afternoons.”
“Yeah.” I’m giving up. There is no take backs. “I’ll do that then.”
I’m halfway to my truck before turning around and making a beeline into the animal hospital. “You can’t still be mad at me for things I said when we were kids.”
She’s playing that head game again, the one where she keeps herself occupied to avoid eye contact. “I’m not that petty, Brant. I’m just not interested in rehashing something that never should have happened in the first place. We were young. It was a summer fling. I made it easy for you. I’m an adult now. I get it.”
“You get what? I came here to say I was sorry. You didn’t deserve for me to hurt you the way I did. It’s been on my mind since, well since we broke things off. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but it would be nice if you could just accept that I’m an asshole.”
She’s shaking her head, her hands coming up and covering her face. “Please just go. I can’t hear this right now. I didn’t come back to deal with more bullshit, especially from you. Trust me, it’s better if you walk away. Pretend we’re strangers if it makes it easier. You being here only complicates my life more.”
“Why?”
“You don’t get to ask me that.”
Seeing her in pain makes me question what to do. I didn’t think I’d have another chance to apologize, or assume once I got one it would go down like this. “Guess I’ve already ruined the day.”
I look outside at my faithful companion who is ready to climb in the truck and go home, and all I can do is walk away. “I better get going then.”
She heads to a back room without saying goodbye. Jamie has clearly moved on with her life. We can’t go back, not that either of us are in any position to want to. She’s married, and I’m engaged. I have to face the fact that when I lost my mom I gave up the chance to have a life with Jamie. We can never be fr
iends now. It wouldn’t work. A part of me will always have too much regret every time I look into those lost blue eyes I once fell in love with.
I am an asshole. I should have told her how I felt before life came crashing down on me. The truth of the matter is, I probably don’t deserve Leigh either. She’s too good to me, and I know eventually I’ll find a way to screw it up, just like I did the first time around. I can’t deal with emotional stress. It’s rips through me, taking all of my compassion and leaves me cold and empty. There’s not a person on this earth who deserves a relationship with an empty shell of a man. That’s what I become when my heart breaks.
A few days go by, and I purposely throw myself into work and helping out at the restaurant. I’ve barely been to the apartment, staying at the Oyster Cove house with my siblings while Dad and Alice are away, because it’s easier for Leigh to stay on campus with her friends than have to drive back and forth every weekday. Going home to my empty apartment isn’t a good idea. I tried it before, and with everything on my mind I’d drive myself crazy.
The university is throwing a huge homecoming event for the next few days, and I planned on attending with Leigh, but now I’ve opted out. She’ll have a better time without me around. Her friends like to party, and as much as I enjoy kicking a few beers back, I’m not into keg stands and wild crowds. I suppose part of it is having lived on a small island my whole life. Our summers here can get busy, but never too crazy, not even pony week.
When Friday comes around I’m grateful I’ve been preoccupied filling in for my father’s absence. There’s a lot he does, especially with the restaurant. Dane is able to manage the finances, organize entertainment for the bar, and make the orders, but I’ve had to step in to ensure the employees show up and do their jobs properly. They tend to slack off when the bosses aren’t around to give them shit.
After the dinner rush at the restaurant, I head upstairs to the bar for a couple drinks with my brothers. We’re used to being together on the water, all except for Dane, who prefers to manage the books for Dad instead of getting his feet wet. He’s always been a pussy anyway, so we’re used to ragging on him every chance we get. At least he’s been filling in on the water in the last week, but it’s a rarity. These days Dane has his shit together. He’s even seeing a girl who I think is way too good for him.
I’m not surprised to see my sister and Nick having a couple beers at a table in the corner. They’re both nineteen. We could lose our license if we get caught serving them, though I know for a fact they’d use their fake ID’s to escape trouble. I nod when they spot me, and gather they’re wondering if I’ll scorn them. I’ve just sat down beside Weston when I hear the twins, Caleb and Cooper running their traps. “Go on and ask him, dipshit.” Coop keeps at it.
Caleb shakes his head. “Screw you. I’m not starting anything. You heard what West said.”
I watch the bartender Lucy reach into the refrigerator and grab a frosted mug before filling it with draft beer and putting it in front of me. I nod and take a sip prior to finding out what’s up. “Ask me what?”
Coop plays with his empty mug. “Nothing. West thinks someone from your past is here in the bar. We’ve got ten bucks on it.”
I don’t have to look around to know what they’re talking about. Since picking Brimley up from the veterinary hospital I haven’t driven by or considered stopping there again. Jamie has a new life. We both do.
I keep drinking until my mug is almost empty. “My past? Anyone in this room could be from my past.”
West lets out a guffaw. “Okay,” he sarcastically says motioning with his head to a particular area behind me.
I close my eyes and immediately search the room. Sure enough, in the far corner at a small round table sits Jamie and her vet assistant. They have mixed drinks in front of them and are sharing the wing special. They’re laughing, both carrying on about something obviously entertaining. “Those two back there?” I have to play it off. It’s been years. West can’t remember her.
“The blonde,” he mumbles before taking another sip.
“Man, I don’t know her. Get your head out of your ass. You’ve had one too many beers.”
He laughs. “I told them you’d deny it. That’s cool,” he says while standing. “I’ll just go over there and ask her. I’m sure she won’t be so withholding.”
I let him take two steps before conceding. “Fine. It’s her. So what?”
He places his palms on the bar top. “I knew it. She looked familiar, but it took me a while to place her. She hasn’t changed much. You really screwed up letting that one go.”
I slam my hand against the bar, causing some of the beer to splash from my mug. “Don’t start.” West was around when I royally screwed up with Jamie. He’s the only person in my life that’s seen me cry aside from losing our mother. In the months that followed her death I was lost. I drank myself to an unconscious state every single day. I pretended I could live my life without feelings, when inside I was self destructing, numb and unwilling to comprehend what I was doing to my future.
Coop and Caleb, obviously using some kind of twisted twin ESP dash for the women at the table, while I sit wondering if I should watch it unfold or leave before it’s too late.
I can hear one of them calling the barmaid over. The mirror behind the counter gives me a good view of my brothers. Coop is leaning over their table, up to no good for sure.
West nudges me. “How long have you known she’s been back?”
“Who says I knew?”
“You weren’t surprised. Did she tell you she was coming back? Have you been in touch? What would Leigh say?”
“Shut up. Leigh doesn’t know, and I only found out about a week ago. She apparently took over the veterinary practice. She’s the one who treated Brimley.”
“Damn. So you talked?”
I shake my head, taking a quick peek at what’s going on behind us. “If that’s what you call it.”
“What ever happened between the two of you? I thought for sure you’d reconcile.”
“I lied.” I finish my beer and push it forward the bartender will see I need a refill. “She was better off thinking I was a cheater and a liar.” At the very moment the sentence is finished I feel someone coming up and grabbing my shoulder. Turning around, I see Coop with a big smile across his face.
“I’m going to kick your asses. Leave the ladies alone. I’m sure neither want to be in the company of either of you fools.”
Coop chuckles. “Actually, they asked us to join them. I came to get them more drinks.”
West and I share a similar disturbed frown. My brother does the talking when I’m unable to come up with something to deter my obnoxious brothers from causing mischief just to annoy me. “Coop, don’t you know it’s against the rules of brotherhood to hook up with a chick we’ve already hit?”
He shrugs. “It’s been like ten years, man. She’s barely a memory. I’m sure Brant doesn’t mind if I have a go.”
I dig my hands over the wooden bar top, hoping to God I can keep from turning around and knocking out my brother’s teeth. It’s like him to push my buttons, but he has no idea how this woman still gets to me, or that she is my biggest regret. I’ll never be okay with him hitting on her. Hell, I don’t think I’d be okay seeing her with her husband. That’s when it hits me. “She’s married, Coop. She’s just being nice. There’s no way you’d get into those pants.” I play it off like it’s not possible, because I want him to back off. For all I know Jamie has one of those open marriages where the couples are allowed to sleep around. If she was still with me that would never happen. She’s the only woman to ever make me feel jealous, so I’m not about to let my little perverted brother dip his hands into the pot, even if she’s not mine to protect.
“Married? Nah, she ain’t wearing a wedding ring.”
I’ve had enough. No matter how bad this looks, I have to let Jamie know my brother is up to no good and with his track record he’s liable to slip her a
pill in her drink. He’s relentless.
Jamie is laughing at something Caleb says as I approach. The moment she sees me the smile is gone. That blank face I’ve come to know stares me in the face. “Jamie, can we talk?”
“I’m having drinks with my friend, Brant. Can’t this wait?”
I’m clenching my jaw, so annoyed I’m about to go off on the closest person to me. “No.” I don’t give her further explanation. If she can’t read my expression and know I’m hanging on by a thread, maybe I’m wasting my time.
I don’t look behind me to make sure she’s following. When I get to the exit, I hold the door open, because I know she’s there. As soon as we’re both on the top deck I turn to face her, the cool sea breeze sending a chill over my body. She crosses her arms in front of her, making me feel like a dick for bringing her outside. I pull my Northface off and offer it. “Take this.”
She shoves it away. “I’m fine. If this is about your brother you’re wasting your time. I’m not stupid.”
“I never said you were.”
“Then what? Why am I out here freezing my ass off?”
I check her finger to see she’s not wearing a diamond. It’s an emerald, her birthstone if I remember correctly. “People talk in this town, Jamie. I wouldn’t want you getting a reputation from hanging out with my brothers. I’m sure your husband wouldn’t like it either.”
“Thanks for looking out for me, but I can handle whatever anyone says. I’m not made of glass. Things in my life have taught me to be strong. Now, if you’re done being an asshole, I’d like to get back to happy hour.”
I start to chuckle as she walks away, catching her before she’s able to make it back inside. “Does your husband know what you did when you spent your summers here? People talk. It’s only a matter of time before everyone in this town remembers the girl who ran around with Brant Wallace those two summers.” I have every right to ask. I don’t feel like getting cornered by some random guy without a heads up.
Half Shelled Heart (Oyster Cove, #2) Page 4