Choice

by Jean Booth

  Walking up a short flight of stairs, I walked around my favorite deck—it had a pool, was open to the sky, and held lots of places to lounge, sunbathe, and even play shuffleboard. I decided to go back to my room, grab my suit and towel, and sit by the pool.

  I was a tad irritated to discover that this was not the singles cruise that I was hoping for, but that there were people on their honeymoon and lots of other couples being disgustingly romantic. I wanted to hurl, and not from the waves. I had to remind myself that I was happy and that having a man in my life did not define me. I was going diving in the Bermuda Triangle in a few days, living my life more fully than I could have with a man dragging me down. If I continued to tell myself this, one day maybe I’d believe it.

  Top on my priority list was figuring out when the scuba instructors would be doing their lessons so I could take a refresher course. I’d become certified for this trip about a year ago, and had been diving in Lake Tahoe as often as I could. I’d been meaning to explore other lakes because Tahoe is so cold, but it’s also extremely clear. I’d bought my equipment six months ago before I’d learned that everything was provided on the ship. The only thing standing between the deep blue sea and me was a pile of waivers to sign.

  I appeared topside about an hour before dinner and the first night of dancing. Dancing was offered every night in the different clubs on the cruise ship. I was planning on hitting the disco on the lower deck later, less chance of running into unwanted advances. I had also managed to avoid Keith on my explorations of the ship, which was surprisingly disappointing. Jumping into the pool, I did a few laps before enjoying some of the last rays of the day. I was more relaxed than I’d been in years. As I finished my laps, my thoughts crept toward dancing, stifling the thought that it would be really fun to have Stephan with me in the club. His grace really evened out my flailing limbs.

  The dinner bell tolled and I knew it was time to get changed and stuff my face. As I surveyed the dining room, I was amazed at the amount of people—and the amount of food. I’m not a fan of seafood and at certain dinners, such as the one for tonight, I had to request special meals. Some dinners were meant for the crew to meet the patrons and these were catered with very specific meals. I put my fork down halfway through my meal, almost uncomfortably full.

  “This sure is a great cruise, isn’t it?” the bubbly woman sitting next to me asked.

  “Sure. It’s my first,” I replied, smiling back at her.

  “Oh! They’re the only way to travel in my opinion! All you can eat, lodging, transportation—really, just about everything is covered they’re—”

  “Donna, I’m sure the girl doesn’t need a sales pitch. She’s already here. Let her enjoy her time,” the bulky guy sitting next to her admonished.

  “Oh, Tom.” She waived her hand in dismissal and then turned back to me. “We just got married. I know, this was billed as a singles cruise, but I just had to see Bimini. And to go to Bermuda and through the triangle? Oh, I just couldn’t pass this up!”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen quite a few couples already,” I replied, trying not to sound bitter. I really don’t want a relationship. Honest.

  “Well, I’ve always wanted to go to Bermuda and Tom is just a gem. He surprised me with these tickets as a wedding present. As if I wasn’t already the luckiest lady ever!” She gushed some more about her new husband and I glanced away.

  My eyes strayed to the blonde across from me. She was rolling her eyes and shaking her head. Her face contorted in what only could be described as disgust. She caught me looking and I smiled. Sighing deeply, she returned to frantically texting on her phone.

  “Sugar, you look simply divine,” a sultry voice whispered next to me.

  I started at the voice and looked at the man sitting to my right. I smiled.

  “Really?”

  “Honey, all I have to say is if I batted for a different team, Stuart here would be extremely lonely. And with the way you’ve been fondling that drink—wow! I’m half tempted to try you out.” He winked at me, taking my hand in his and kissing the back. “Maurice, and believe me, the pleasure is not all mine.”

  I laughed. It was clear by the looks Maurice and Stuart were exchanging that neither of them had any interest in anyone other than each other, but Maurice was putting on a good show.

  “What are you guys going to do on this trip?” I asked.

  “Shopping,” Donna exclaimed. “Bermuda has some of the most amazing gems on the planet, and I just adore stones!”

  Tom shook his head and rolled his eyes at me. I smiled at the two of them. I’d never seen such an odd couple, except of course the other couple at our table.

  “Oh, girl, whatever catches our fancy. We’ve been on so many of these things we learned a long time ago that the best deals are the last-minute ones. Stuart’s been nagging me to go diving, but I’m just not sure. We’ve been diving in just about every location possible, but the triangle…” Maurice grimaced. “I’m just not sure about that.”

  “That’s amazing! This is my first cruise,” I admitted.

  “You really have to make it a habit.” Maurice glanced at Stuart. “Stuart inherited his grandfather’s estate years ago. It’s our goal to see every country there is before we turn forty and have nothing left to live for.”

  “There’s life after forty,” I responded with a laugh.

  “Of course, but by then things start sagging, wrinkles appear, and,” Maurice visibly shuddered, “your body starts to fall apart. We plan on experiencing life as much as possible for the next six years. Already I can see myself decaying.” He rubbed a hand up and down his arm as if to show me a withered limb.

  “I think you have years before you have to worry about those things.” Stuart’s voice was slow and soothing with a slight hint at an accent. It was completely the opposite of Maurice’s quick, excited animation.

  The blonde across the table from me glanced up at Stuart’s words, her eyes widening slightly before her brows scrunched in what appeared to be concern. It only lasted a moment, but it was strange. She hadn’t appeared to be interested in anything going on at our table before then.

  “Who’s that?” I leaned in toward Maurice so I could whisper in his ear, gesturing toward the blonde.

  “Victoria?” He rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry about her. She’s weird, been watching Stuart all night, until you walked in.” He winked.

  Victoria had gone back to picking at her meal, but she was still shooting us glances every now and then, as though she somehow knew we were talking about her. I leaned away from Maurice to talk with the rest of the table.

  “Well, I’m going on the dive, and I’m really excited. If you haven’t decayed too much, it would be fun to have a couple friendly faces out there with me,” I said, grinning.

  I noticed Keith and his friends about three tables down from us. It was difficult not to notice them—it sounded like they were already drunk and having a blast. His laughter ringing above the rest caused emotions I didn’t want to feel. It was a sound I hadn’t expected to hear ever again, making me wonder at the coincidence of meeting him here. Seeing him always made me wonder what would have happened if things had been different. It didn’t escape my notice that he hadn’t made good on the offer to have dinner with me, but I tried not to think about it.

  “You clubbing tonight?” Maurice gestured widely with the mimosa in his hand, excitement brimming in his glassy eyes.

  “Maybe.” I hesitated. “It’s kind of been a long day.”

  “You have to come! It’s tradition,” he responded with a dejected look in his eyes.

  I smiled. “Which one are you going to?”

  “The only one worth going to: disco fever baby!” Maurice jumped out of his chair, twirling around to grab Stuart, and together they sauntered out of the dining hall.

  After dinner I seriously contemplated going to bed. My day had just been so busy that I was exhausted; although I’d been having so much fun that I wasn’t ready for
it to end just yet. I decided that you only live once, so took a quick shower and began getting dolled up. I picked a hot pink, sheer short skirt over black short shorts, a black halter-top and my black ballet shoes. I left my long auburn hair to fall down my back, added some make-up to enhance my dark brown eyes, and was good to go. Thankfully I didn’t need ID or money; the bartenders were able to charge your room. I didn’t need to ruin my look with a purse.

  I went down to the disco and saw that Stuart and Maurice had already started dancing. I sat at the bar, ordered a couple of drinks, and enjoyed the show. I’d started on my third when they spotted me. Maurice flagged me down, miming the act of fishing, so I chugged the rest of my drink and went out to ruin their dancing art. I had to admit that where I lacked in dancing, they excelled. Before I knew it, I was completely sweat-soaked and drunk.

  Stuart and Maurice were taking a break to make-out in the darkened corner, leaving me to dance alone. It was a good thing I was trashed or I’d have been humiliated. I’d forgotten how much fun it was to just let go. I didn’t even jump when I felt hands start to wrap around my waist. Keith pulled me close and I could smell his aftershave. We moved to the music for a while, wrapped in each other’s arms and I knew that we were going to do things we shouldn’t.

  His lips met mine in the kiss of a man that was starved for affection, and my brain shut off. We were two desperate people craving one another’s touch like it was the key to survival. He was the only person who could quench this burning desire I suddenly felt. Without giving my addled brain time to argue about the stupidity of what I was about to do, I grabbed his hand and dragged him quite willingly out of the club and into my bedroom where we picked up where we’d left off. His hands groped and roamed up and down my back. He squeezed my body tight against his quivering member and I moaned into his mouth.

  “Tasha, I have to tell you it has been a while.”

  “Shut up.” I slammed him against the wall as my fingers tangled in his thick brown hair. His hand cupped my breasts and I moaned again. His clever fingers teased and searched, and I whimpered. That was all the encouragement that he needed. We pulled apart long enough to throw our clothes off and barely made it to the bed three feet away. Our coupling was hard and fast, a release that we were both craving. When it was over, we collapsed, wrapped up in each other’s arms and breathing heavily.

  I KNEW it was a mistake the minute I woke up. He was in the shower singing some god-awful tune, and I was trying to figure out how to escape. Sure, my hormones did a happy little jig for Keith, but I was definitely not even remotely interested in starting anything with him again. We had a history, and I was well aware of the fact that he didn’t deal with rejection well. He came out of the bathroom in a towel looking yummy, and I had to tell my hormones that we were not starting something with him again. He grinned and they ignored me.

  “Hey, babe. Good morning. How are you feeling?” He walked over to me and kissed my forehead. He kept up on his workouts, I know because I watched as the water slid down each crevice of his sculpted abs. Stupid, stupid hormones.

  “Um, Keith, about last night…”

  “I know. It was a mistake on both our parts. I was just so glad to see you again, and while I’d love to see where this goes, I know we need to take it slower than that.”

  “Oh. Ok, then. I’ll just be in the shower. I’ll see you later.” I peeled myself out of bed trying to remind myself that I wasn’t hurt, that I didn’t want to have a relationship with him, and failing miserably.

  While I finished showering, Keith came in to say bye. We’d arrived in Bimini and he was going sightseeing and rock climbing with his friends, but would meet up with me for lunch. He put his hands on either side of my face as I was still bathing and kissed me with wild abandon. His lips tasted of alcohol, mint, and his intoxicating blend of honey. He laughed and gave my shoulder a gentle nudge back into the shower, then walked out the door. I was shaking as I finished my shower. I didn’t want this, right?

  We were spending the day in Bimini; it was our first stop and also my birthday. The small island of Bimini, as I discovered, was filled with shops, bars, clubs, and vacation hotspots. There were signs everywhere boasting of great snorkeling and scuba diving, something I desperately wanted to take them up on. This would be my first ocean dive. It wouldn’t be nearly as deep as the dive I was going on tomorrow, but the nerves were already dancing with anticipation in my stomach.

  The white sandy beaches and crystal blue water was perfect for the aquatic lover in me. I decided that I’d go snorkeling this morning and dive in the afternoon. We wouldn’t be shoving off until tomorrow morning, so I had all day to explore.

  I walked along the beach with my snorkel and fins, contemplating where I was in my life. My birthday was always difficult for me. All it brought was another year of pent up frustrations, anger, and heart wrenching loneliness. My parents had passed away a week before I turned eighteen, and before that, they spent most of their time arguing with each other. It was a battle to get custody of Katie, and figure out the insurance settlement after they died, and I’d been trying to keep my remaining family together ever since. This trip was the first thing I’d done for myself since our parents died.

  I’d always found the water to be very soothing, and the ocean was no different. I sat on the beach, my feet barely making contact with the waves sweeping the shoreline. As each wave washed up on the shore it released some of my tension; sweeping away my impotent, frustrated anger and the bitterness I was still clinging to from all the loss in my life. The waves washed it all to the depths below. It was past time that I let everything go and lived for myself.

  My mind wandered back to Keith without my permission. Images of the night before floated through my head, but I shoved them away. Running into Keith here had really thrown a wrench in my plans. This was supposed to be all about me, what I wanted, rediscovering who I was outside of work and family obligations. I’d always used them as distractions and excuses to not do things, but I couldn’t do that anymore. I was determined to figure out what I wanted in life.

  I wasn’t even sure I wanted a relationship or if it was the constant societal demands that elicited these feelings. I liked my quiet apartment and wasn’t sure I wanted to share it with another human. If I was being honest with myself, I still dreamt of finding my soul mate; that childhood fantasy of the perfect person made specifically for me. Most days I felt the chance of finding that one special person in the world were slim to none. As far as I was concerned, you’d have to be pretty lucky to find someone you could actually stand talking to every day for the rest of your life. If you did happen to find that one person, what were the odds that they’d even be available?

  During my contemplation I realized that I had picked up a circular stone that was slightly larger than my thumbnail. I looked down to see what I had found and gasped. It was a flat, perfect circle with writing on one side and a carving of a wolf howling next to a crescent moon on the other. The eyes of the wolf were two tiny emeralds and the moon held what looked like diamonds at each tip. The side with writing was very peculiar. It simply said, amada. It wasn’t a word I’d ever heard of, but was beautiful to read. Surrounding the stone was a thin strip of silver with a loop at the top for a chain. I knew in my heart that someone carved this for a person they loved very much. Apart from the value, the attention to detail was astounding, especially for being on something so small.

  I thought about taking it to the police department but couldn’t bring myself to part with something so beautiful. It felt wrong somehow, as if I was denying a gift from the sea. For some reason I felt as if I was meant to find it, that it was fate.

  “Thank you, I love it,” I whispered to the ocean.

  I took my pants off, and put the opal in the small pocket of them before setting them on the beach. The pants and my sandals would mark my place so I wouldn’t get lost while snorkeling. I walked out to the crystal blue water up to my waist and put on my fins. Clea
ring out the snorkel, I put it on, and swam around for a while. I saw sea turtles swim by, interrupting the schools of fish. Below, I could see the sea floor littered with seashells, sand dollars, and starfish. I deliberately didn’t go out too far or swim in the kelp or the reefs as I was just trying to get used to being in the ocean for the first time. I was attempting to ignore the fact that I was swimming where sharks lived.

  I have a deathly fear of sharks. I forced myself to relax and enjoy the scenery that I was sure to miss if I let my paranoia get the best of me. It was beautiful, filled with fish that were unafraid of a lone swimmer in their midst. I could feel my back warming and knew that the suntan lotion was wearing off, so I decided it was time to go to lunch. I found my pants easily enough, swam to them, and left the comfort of the water. It had been one of the most peaceful swims I’d ever had, once I relaxed.

  My phone rang just as I returned to the docks to meet Keith.

  “Happy Birthday, Auntie Tash! Mommy told me I could call you today but to leave you alone for your trip. Are you having fun? Do you miss me? What’d you get me?” Ash’s excited chatter brought me out of the melancholy mood I’d been in all day from reflecting on my past choices.

  “Hey, booger, what makes you think I got you something?” I smiled into the phone. “Of course I miss you.”

  “I’m your favorite niece, so you have to get me something,” she replied.

  “You’re my only niece,” I clarified as I always did. “You’ll just have to wait and see. How are you? Are you and your mom doing anything fun while I’m gone? Have you been behaving?”

  “’Course I have. We’re going to have cake today for your birthday. Mom let me pick it out and everything. When are you going to have your cake? Mom said we could eat ours at any time today so we can have cake together, even though you’re far away. We went to the movies today and saw Janice Kansas in Paris. It was so good. Mommy let me wear my wig. Tomorrow we’re going to the zoo to pet the bunnies, and Mommy even said we might be able to ride one of the little ponies.” She said all of this in one breath, as excited as only an eight year old can be.