by J. L. Perry
I probably should ice my lip, but right now I don’t give two fucks about it. My life is falling apart around me, my lip is the least of my worries. I strip off and jump in the shower.
As the hot water flows over me I try to put Red out of my mind, but it’s impossible. I’m haunted by her cowering earlier when I put my fist through the wall. I wish I could take it back. Not because it has ended things between us. It’s more because I frightened her. It’s probably been years since she’s felt that scared. The fact that I made her feel that way, again, is fucking killing me inside.
I eventually drag my sorry arse out of the shower. Once I’m dried I throw on a pair of track pants and climb into bed next to Blake. My mind is still reeling from everything that has happened. I know I won’t sleep well. Fuck, I hope I can sort things out with Jacinta. I’m already lost without her. My gut tells me that’s not going to happen though. I have that sick feeling inside that I’ve ruined everything.
Blake stirs when I get into bed. “You’re home dad,” he says in his sleepy voice.
“Yeah, buddy, I am. How are you feeling?”
“Okay. Is Jazzi here?”
Shit, what am I going to tell him? He loves her just as much as I do. He’ll be crushed if I tell him that I’ve ruined everything for both of us. I decide to hold off telling him the truth and see what tomorrow brings.
“She’s sleeping at her house tonight. Connor and Cassandra are back now. You know she was only staying with us until they came home.”
“I want her to live here with us.”
“I know you do buddy, so do I,” is all I say. Because the enormity of what we’ve both lost hits me full force. I get a lump in my throat and I’m scared if I say anything else, I will get upset in front of Blake. That’s the last thing I want.
“I want Jazzi to be my mummy,” he whispers. When I hear him sniffle I know he is crying. Fuck, what I have done? I reach for him and pull him in close to me as I hold him tight and try to comfort him as best I can. My own tears are welling in my eyes now. I’ve not only broken my own heart. I’ve broken my son’s too.
I hold him whilst he cries. I know Jacinta loves my boy. Even if she wants nothing to do with me, she’ll still keep Blake in her life. Well I hope she will. He needs a positive female role model in his life. I couldn’t ask for anyone better than her. She is fucking perfect for him. She’s perfect for me, too.
He cries for a little while before eventually falling back asleep. His little arm is draped across me. Even though I’m pretty shattered right now it makes me smile. Fuck, I love this little guy so much. No matter what happens between Jacinta and me, I need to keep it together for him. I also need to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to go to court and face Roxy. There’s no way I’m going to miss that. I need to make sure that she’s going to stay away from Blake. He’s all I have left now.
Before I close my eyes, I reach over and pick up my phone that’s sitting on the bedside table. I need to text Red.
I just want to tell you again how sorry I am for my actions earlier. I was pretty screwed up about what had happened with Roxy. I know it’s no excuse for losing my temper with you. You didn’t deserve that. You saved my boy today and for that I will be forever grateful. I hope we can get past what happened, because honestly babe, I don’t want to lose you. I love you so much and so does Blake. You mean the world to us. I’m not going to pressure you, but when you’re ready I hope we can sit down and talk about what happened. I’m already missing you…so fucking much. Until then, please try and hold onto what we have. Don’t give up on us. I’d never hurt you, please believe that.
I’m sorry about your hand and wish I would have been there for you earlier, when you needed me most. I feel like I’ve let you down in so many ways tonight. I hope you’re not in too much pain. I’d give anything to be there right now so I could kiss it all away. I’m so grateful and proud of you for what you did for Blake. Knowing you hurt yourself protecting my boy breaks my heart. Sleep well princess. I love you always and forever. x
I lay there for a while hoping to get a reply. I don’t.
CHAPTER TWEN
TY
Jacinta
As exhausted as I am, sleep won’t come. I’m worried about Blake, and can’t get Mason out of my mind. I wish I could say things between us are going to be okay, but I can’t. I can’t get past how much he frightened me earlier. I haven’t felt like that in years, and frankly, I don’t want to feel like that ever again. It brought back so many terrifying feelings I’d experienced in my past that I’ve tried to forget over the years.
He said he’d never hurt me but, none of us know that for sure. That’s probably how things started out between my parents. I’d like to able to talk about this with my mum but she’s never spoken about that kind of thing with me.
Cass is still spooning me, god love her. I’m so glad that she is back. I’m going to need her over the few days, weeks or months. However long it takes me to get past this. I have a sinking feeling it’s going to be a long time. Maybe I’ll never get over Mason. One thing is for sure, I’ll never be with another man again. I’m going to go back to the way things were before he came into my life.
When I hear my phone ding, alerting me to an incoming message, I want to get up and read it. I can’t though. What if it is from Mason? I try to put the thought out of my mind. Part of me wants know if it is him and what he has to say. The other part of me doesn’t. Then my mind drifts to Blake again. What if it is about him? What if he needs me? After everything that happened yesterday I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a bad dream because of it.
After a few minutes it gets the better of me. I gently move Cass’ arm that is draped over my waist and get up. My hand is still aching, so is my head. I ignore it. I grab my phone. Thankfully, I don’t have to turn the light on to see what it says. I don’t want to wake up Cass.
My hand is shaking as I open the message. When I read it, I feel the warm tears as they stream down my face. My heart is shattering all over again. Once I’m done reading it for the second time, I clutch the phone to my chest as I sink to the floor. How am I ever going to get past this?
****
Mason
I’m lucky if I slept a total of an hour. My mind wouldn’t shut down. With everything that was going on last night I also forgot to drop of the custody papers to the police station. I need to get up and get that organised straight away. I don’t want her getting off because of my negligence.
I’d like to keep Blake home from school today, but he can’t come with me to court. I don’t want him anywhere near Roxy. Who can I get to look after him though? I can’t expect Rob to. He had him last night. I know Jacinta would, but there’s no way I’m going to ask her.
I’ll worry about that later. For now I leave Blake asleep in my bed and go into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I’m surprised, my lip doesn’t look as bad as I thought it would. The swelling has gone down since last night. Sure, I have an ugly arse bruise now and the cut on my lip is more visible, but it’s still better than I expected. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain this to Blake. He doesn’t need to know the truth about what happened. It will only upset him and make him worry unnecessarily.
When I’m done in the bathroom I go over to the safe in my wardrobe, grabbing the paperwork I need. It’s just after 7:00 a.m. so I have plenty of time. I might see if Rob will stay with Blake while I run it over.
I open my bedroom door and walk into the hall towards the kitchen. I chuckle to myself when I hear Rob snoring. Fuck it’s loud. I’m surprised I didn’t hear it during the night.
I fill the coffee machine with water and get a mug out of the cupboard. I’m surprised when I hear a knock at the door. My heart immediately starts to race. I walk towards the front door all the time thinking, “Please be Red…please be Red.”
I’m disappointed to find Connor standing there instead. “Come to finish the job, fucker?”
“Look, I’m sorry for h
itting you last night, okay. I was so worked up all the way home on the plane. When I saw the mess she was in when I walked into her room, as well as the plaster on her hand, I don’t know… I just lost it.”
At first I don’t say anything. I just stand there and stare. “Are you going to invite me in or leave me standing out here all fucking morning?” His comment makes me chuckle. I’m glad that things are going to be okay between us. I’d hate to lose him over this too.
I step aside. He walks straight over to the breakfast bar and takes a seat. “Want a coffee, arsehole?”
“Yep,” he replies.
“How come you’re all dressed up?” I ask. “Are you going back to work already?”
“I’m coming to court with you. I’ve already asked to be assigned to the case. I don’t want her getting any leniency from the judge. She deserves to get locked up for what she’s done.”
“Thanks. I appreciate your support, buddy.”
“We had her house searched last night. You were right, we did find some drugs. A shitload of cash too.”
“That’s probably the money I gave her,” I explain.
“Well it’s been confiscated for now. It’s evidence. She may not see it again either. It’s likely to be seized as proceeds of crime. Unless, she can prove that she was given the money legitimately.”
“Not my problem. I gave her that money in exchange for my son. I don’t give a fuck what happens to it. All I care about is Blake.”
At least she won’t be able to use it to bail herself out. I doubt whether any of her druggie friends would be able to help her out either.
I pass Connor his coffee and Blake walks into the kitchen. “Uncle Connor,” he says excitedly as he makes his way over to him.
“Hey little dude,” Connor says and he fist pumps him. Blake smiles and then looks at me.
“Morning buddy.”
“Morning dad,” he says smiling, but when he notices my bruised and cut lip his face drops. “What happened to your mouth dad?”
“It’s nothing buddy. I walked into a door last night. It was dark and I didn’t see it.” I look over at Connor. He puts his head down.
“Does it hurt?” he asks.
“No, not much. So, don’t you worry about me, I’m okay.”
Blake giggles at me. “You’re silly dad.” I feel bad lying to him but I’m doing it for his own good. He wouldn’t understand if I told him the truth.
“Why don’t you go wake up Uncle Rob and see if he wants some breakfast?” Blake smiles before running down the hall towards his room.
“I’m sorry again for hitting you,” Connor says. “I hate that you had to lie to Blake just now but I appreciate it. I’d hate for him to think less of me.”
I shrug my shoulders. That was part of the reason for me lying, but it was mainly so he wouldn’t worry.
“How’s Jacinta?” I ask.
“I haven’t spoken with her this morning. I’m guessing not good. Cassandra told me before I left to come here, she found Jaz curled up on the floor in the middle of the night, crying.” He sighs. “What the fuck happened between you two anyway?”
It upsets me to know she is so distraught. I want more than anything to go to her. To comfort her. To hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and that everything is going to be okay. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s what she wants. Well, not from me anyway.
“I lost my temper last night when she told me she wasn’t watching Blake when Roxy got hold of him. She didn’t like the way I was talking to her and she tried to leave. I snapped and put my fist through the wall.”
“Shit. You probably scared her you arsehole.”
“I did,” I say as I put my head down in shame. “She cowered like she thought I was going to hit her. Fuck. I wish more than anything I could take that moment back, but I can’t.” Connor shakes his head at me. “You know I’d never hurt her right? I fucking love her. I think I’ve ruined things between us now. She doesn’t even want to talk to me.”
“I don’t know what to say to you,” he replies. “Considering the past she’s had, that was a pretty shitty move.”
“I know.” I place my coffee cup on the counter and rub my hands over my face. “I think it’s only fair to warn you, I’m not giving up on her. Blake and I adore her and we need her in our lives. I’m going to fight to get her back.”
“I won’t stand in your way if that’s what she wants. All I ask is that you give her a little time first. Please.”
Blake and Rob come out into the kitchen before I get a chance to reply. “Morning old man,” I say to Rob.
“Enough with the old man,” he replies. “As I said last night, I’d still sit you on your arse.” I chuckle at his reply and so does Blake.
“Uncle Rob said arse,” he giggles.
“Okay buddy,” I say as I ruffle his hair. “Don’t repeat what Uncle Rob says please.”
“Sorry dad.”
“Why don’t you go and get ready for school and I’ll make you some scrambled eggs?”
He runs off down the hall. “Are you going to send him to school?” Rob asks. “I thought you’d keep him home after everything that happened yesterday.”
“I would, but I have to go to court this morning. I don’t want him anywhere near Roxy.”
“Well I wish I could look after him for you but, I already have plans.”
“That’s okay. I appreciate what you did for me last night.”
“Why don’t you ask Jaz?” Connor says. He clears his throat. I think it just dawned on him that I can’t ask her. He pulls out his phone and starts dialling. “Hey Cass. I was after Jaz. Is she still in bed?” He stops talking as he listens to Cassandra’s reply. “Shit. She’s crying again.” That makes me feel even worse. I hate that she is like this and I can’t go to her.
“I was going to see if she’d watch Blake for a few hours while I go to court with Mason.” He pauses again. “Yeah, I agree. It will help keep her mind off other things.” When he says the last part he looks over at me.
Yeah, I know you’re referring to me, arsehole.
“Okay, we will drop him off on our way to court.” He ends the call and looks over at me again. “You really did a number on her. I’ve never known her to cry this much.”
I give him a look. What can I say to that? If he is trying to make me feel even worse than I already do he is doing a good job of it.
Instead of answering him I leave the room and go to tell Blake not to bother putting on his school uniform. At least he’ll be happy to be spending time with Red. I wish it was me. I miss her so fucking much. I need to make things right with us. I just hope I can.
****
Jacinta
I was hoping I’d be feeling a little better this morning, but I’m not. My hand is still aching and I hardly slept, but it’s my heart that’s hurting the most. I feel lost. I don’t know where my life is heading now. All I know is it’s going to be a life without Mason, and that makes my future seem unbearable. But, it is the way it has to be.
I’m lying in bed, still crying, when my phone rings. Thankfully, Cass comes into my room and answers it for me. I’m grateful for that because if it’s Mason I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t know what to say to him.
Cass leaves the room again once she answers it. I have no idea who it is. I want my tears to stop, I have no control over them. Cass comes back in, sitting down on the side of the bed. She reaches over and strokes my hair.
“That was Connor. He’s going to go to the courthouse with Mason this morning and he wants us to look after Blake.”
I sit up and wipe my eyes. I really want to see Blake. I haven’t seen him since late yesterday afternoon. He’s been on my mind. He seemed pretty good considering, when we last spoke. I’d like to know if he is still okay though.
“Do you think you’d be up to seeing him?” Cass asks.
“Yes, as long as I don’t have to see Mason,” I whisper. “It’s too hard right now.�
� I put my head in my hands and sob. Cass climbs into bed and wraps me in her arms.
“Oh Jaz,” is all she says. She holds me while I continue to cry. When my tears finally stop she asks me if I’d like to have a shower before Blake arrives. I didn’t get to have one last night, I nod my head.
“Okay,” she says as she wipes the tears from my eyes. “I’ll get you something to wrap around your plaster.” Before she gets up she gives me a crushing hug. “Things will work out, I promise,” she whispers, kissing me on the cheek. I’m so glad she’s back because I’m going to need her help to get past this.
****
Mason
Rob leaves after we eat breakfast. Connor sits with Blake while I quickly get dressed. I’m only a spectator today so there’s no need for me to wear a suit. I won’t be going into the office later today, either. I plan on spending the rest of the day with Blake.
The nerves kick in as we head down to Jacinta’s apartment. I’m apprehensive about seeing her. I’m not sure how she’ll react towards me today. She hasn’t replied to my text. To me, that says a lot.
I’d been hoping by this morning maybe things would have settled down a bit. The fact that she was still crying when Connor called her earlier, probably means she still wants to end things between us.
God, I hope that’s not the case.
Connor unlocks the front door, I feel sick to the stomach. Part of me wants to wait outside in the hall, the bigger part of me wants to see her. More than anything. Even if it’s not what she wants. I want to see her beautiful face, I also need to see if there’s any sign from her that things are going to be okay between us. In my heart though I don’t think they will be.
When I walk through the door I see her straight away. Her back is to me. She is sitting at the breakfast bar. Cassandra is sitting next to her rubbing her back. Jacinta’s head is bowed. Fuck, I hope she’s not crying again.
“Jazzi,” Blake squeals. She quickly turns and the look on her face breaks my heart. She looks so sad. So broken. She instantly plasters a smile on her face when she sees him. Even though it’s forced, I want one of those smiles.