by Lisa Hobman
‘Has he bloody proposed or something, Bailey?’ Shelley asked, arms folded across her ample bosom.
Zara felt heat flush her cheeks and she couldn’t help smiling. She shrugged. ‘No, nothing like that. Not just yet. But it certainly feels like something big.’
Marco clapped his hands together excitedly. ‘I knew it! He told you he loves you finally, didn’t he?’
Zara paused and wondered whether to mention the small matter of Josh’s surprise admission. But these were her best friends so how could she not?
She inhaled deeply and summoned up the courage. ‘Not exactly that either, Marco.’
‘So what’s with the cheesy grin and the flowers? He either cooks like bloody Jamie Oliver or the food was crap and the flowers are an apology for almost poisoning you. So which is it?’
‘We didn’t exactly eat much.’ She tucked her hair behind her ears and chewed on her lip. ‘There’s one small new bit of information though.’ She held her breath and waited for the assumptions to fly. And fly they did.
Marco’s eyes lit up. ‘He’s bi?’
Zara scoffed. ‘No!’
Shelley placed a hand on each of her own cheeks. ‘Oh, my God, he’s married.’
Zara rolled her eyes. ‘No, he’s not married. But… it’s almost as complicated as that.’
‘Divorced? Gay? Come on, Zee, just spill it.’ Marco was leaning forward so much Zara expected him to fall from his seat and bash his chin on the table.
‘No… he… erm… he has a ten-year-old son.’
Marco’s gasp was almost theatrical. ‘What?’
Shelley’s eyes almost popped out of her head. ‘Bloody hell! How old was he when it was born? Twelve?’
‘He was seventeen. It’s a heartbreaking story. To put it bluntly the girl’s dad whisked her off to Australia and the baby was born there. Josh has never met him. But…’
Marco and Shelley glanced worriedly at one another. ‘But he’s going out to visit soon?’
Zara cringed. ‘Not quite. The mother, Katie, is bringing the boy, Caleb, here. To England.’
Shelley’s expression changed to one of sadness. ‘Oh, no. When?’
‘Next week. But don’t be like that. It’s not a big deal. I’m fine with it. I’m looking forward to meeting Caleb. Josh says he doesn’t want to lose me so I’m not going to start getting worked up about something that’s out of my control.’
Marco reached out and took her hand. ‘But you really love him, sweetie. I’m worried for you.’
Zara shrugged off the comments and her friends’ worried gazes that were now fixed on her. ‘Come on, you two. Good grief. It’ll all be fine. I’m telling you, he really cares about me. He said so. We really care for each other and we want this to be something. Neither of us is going to do anything to spoil that.’
‘But this is his child, Zara.’ Shelley only used her full name when she was being extremely serious. ‘That’s something you can’t just shrug off as no big deal. I think you should maybe back off a little until they’ve gone back to Aus.’
Zara was pissed off at her friends’ apparent lack of support. ‘Back off? Why should I back off? We’ve been together a year. It’s not like we’ve only just met and I can just dump him, Shelley. I love the man, warts and all.’
Marco sighed. ‘You just likened his son to a wart, Zara Bear. I hardly think that’s a good start, honey. And why has he only told you about this now if he’s known all this time?’
Zara sighed and shook her head. ‘Because it’s broken his heart for all this time, that’s why. There’s no wonder he daren’t tell me he loves me. He’s got issues about commitment, seeing as his would-be father-in-law took his child and the love of his life away.’ Her voice was raised and she hated that she had to justify everything.
Marco lifted his hands to his cheeks. ‘He said she was the love of his life?’
‘That’s all you took from what I just said? Jeez, Marco. Both of you, you’re being ridiculous about this. I’m a bloody grown woman, not some teenager with a sodding crush. Give me some credit for maturity, will you?’
‘Zara, honey, Marco and I are just worried for you. We’re your best friends.’
The flush she had felt earlier was nothing compared to the raging furnace beneath her skin now. She stood up and grabbed her bouquet. ‘Well, why aren’t you bloody acting like it, then?’ Shelley gasped so loud it was a wonder the whole pub didn’t fall silent.
‘Zara, please don’t go. Oh, Dio, le si spezzerà il cuore,’ Marco said, shaking his head.
Shelley stood too. ‘Yes, come on, stay and have a few drinks, please? Don’t leave like this. You know we love you and only want you to be happy.’
She glanced down at her two best friends in the world and slumped into the chair again. ‘Fine. But you have to stop worrying about me. It will all work out, I promise.’
Marco sighed in what appeared to be relief. He shook his head. ‘Le ultime parole famose.’
Things were being blown out of all proportion. Marco was speaking Italian; Shelley was using her full name.
Zara forced a laugh of incredulity. ‘Pah! You two are hilarious. Anyone would think I’d agreed to adopt the bloody kid. Seriously, you’re worrying over nothing. It’s all going to be fine. I’m telling you. I’m a grown woman. Now, I fancy some shots. Who’s with me?’
*
Zara left the pub soon after downing a couple of shots at the intervention-style drinks session with her two friends. Marco decided to stay a while longer whilst Zara hurried home to put her flowers in a vase. The fragrance filled the room and she couldn’t help smiling every time she saw them. But her friends’ words had worried her. The situation was so much more complicated than she could’ve ever expected and she was terrified of having her heart broken too. She wouldn’t mention that to Marco when he got home later though. No, she was better staying quiet just now. The last thing she needed was an Italian drama queen wrapping himself round her ankles whenever she went to meet Josh.
She carried the bouquet through to her bedroom and placed the vase on top of her tall chest of drawers before flopping down onto the bed. Of course, they had been right to worry. Up to now the feelings in this relationship had seemed a little one-sided. That was what made this all so scary. She loved Josh, but what if he still loved Katie? Deep down she knew there was every chance her heart was in danger. But she would have to trust him. He’d said the right things. Well, most of the right things. If only he’d told her he loved her. But he did say he wanted her in his life and that he cared for her. She just had to have faith that he meant every single word.
As she lay there her phone vibrated. She reached for it.
Hey sexy. I can’t stop thinking about you. Want to come over? J x
Butterflies danced excitedly in her stomach and she hit reply.
Rather busy lying on my bed thinking about you just now, sorry. Z x
An almost immediate reply arrived.
Funnily enough I have a bed too. You could come over and lie on it whilst you think about me. But the best bit is… I’ll be there too. We could even get in the bed and see what happened… J x
She giggled and chewed on her lip.
I think we both know what would happen if we did that.
There was a long pause and she wondered if he had got bored. But eventually a reply came.
See you at mine in fifteen. You can just wear the flowers if you like ;-) J x
We haven’t even talked things through yet. My immediate response was to dive into bed with him. There’s so much I need to know about how this will affect us. I must be completely mad. I shouldn’t have slept with him right after his revelation for starters. And I most definitely shouldn’t be so bloody drawn to him. But…
Thirty minutes later her cab pulled up outside Josh’s place and she climbed out. The butterflies from earlier were dancing a merry jig inside her and she was shaking. But was it from lust or the fear that she was falling head over heels into
the abyss?
After Josh’s message she’d showered and changed. Put on some of her sexier undies – nothing slutty, just pretty – grabbed a bottle of Pinot Noir from the wine rack in the kitchen and left a note for Marco telling him she’d be home late… or not at all.
Josh opened the door and she almost passed out with lust. His muscular, shirtless torso greeted her – of course, it was attached to the rest of him but it was that particular area she noticed first. When her hungry gaze reached his eyes she found him grinning.
‘Well, well, Miss Bailey. You’ve practically undressed me with your eyes so how about you come in and do the job properly?’
She stepped over the threshold and he scooped her into his arms, his mouth on hers as he carried her up the stairs to his flat. Once inside he let her feet drop to the floor and with one hand he took the wine bottle from her vice-like grip – she blamed the nervous excitement – and the other hand slipped down to squeeze her bottom through the satin fabric of her floaty skirt. At that precise moment, in a haze of lust, she decided to hell with her friends’ worries. Josh was who she wanted and she’d do whatever she could to feel like this for as long as it could possibly go on. She wouldn’t think about forever. Nope. That would be utterly crazy at this point. It was something she absolutely wouldn’t do, she told herself as he led her through the flat, placed the unopened wine on the coffee table and then, with her hand still in his, he led her to his bedroom. She repeated her mantra over and over as he removed each item of her clothing slowly, seductively, until he devoured her naked flesh with both his gaze and his body.
*
The following morning was a Tuesday and Zara was woken in Josh’s bed by the alarm on her phone. After a moment of panic she remembered she’d had the foresight to pack some work clothes. She stretched out to feel for him but he wasn’t there. She could hear talking through the flimsy sliding screen and decided she ought to get up. She spied a checked shirt over the chair in the corner and grinned. She’d always wanted to do that thing where the girl walks around in just her man’s shirt. There seemed no time like the present so she grabbed the shirt and slipped it on. For decency she slipped on her panties too, just in case anyone turned up unexpected.
She found Josh in the kitchen on the phone. His hair was damp from the shower and he had a towel draped round his bare shoulders. He wore board shorts that showed off his shapely calf muscles and she paused at the door to admire the view for just a few moments more.
‘I see. Okay, well, it’s a bit short notice. But, of course, I’ll do what I can. Thanks for letting me know anyway. Speak to you soon. Yeah… you too. Bye.’ He hung up and turned towards her. ‘Hey, good morning, gorgeous. Did you sleep well?’
She sidled over to him and slipped her arms round his waist. ‘Mmm. I certainly did. You?’
He leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on her lips. ‘Extremely well. I could get used to waking up to your naked body wrapped around me.’
She felt heat rise in her cheeks and was suddenly very self-conscious. She pulled away and tucked her hair behind her ears.
He frowned and tilted his head. ‘What did I say wrong?’
She shrugged. ‘Nothing… it’s just…’
He smiled in that heart-melting way he had. ‘Come on, just say it.’
‘I’m just worried there’s a bit of a pattern developing here.’
‘Pattern?’ He shrugged. ‘What pattern?’
‘Well, you told me about your son and I dived into bed with you when really we still have things to talk about. I don’t want us to get used to papering over any cracks in our relationship with sex.’
He laughed and his shoulders bounced up and down. ‘Zara, sweetheart, you have to admit there are worse ways to deal with relationship crap.’ He stepped closer and slipped one arm round her. ‘And you also have to admit we’re pretty bloody awesome at the papering part,’ he said huskily.
She shook her head, a little annoyed that he wasn’t taking her seriously. ‘No, you know what I mean. I’m not… I don’t…’
He tilted her chin so she would make eye contact. ‘Hey, I don’t think we paper over things with sex. Not at all. I just… I struggle to say how I feel out loud and so sex is… it’s a kind of expression of how I feel inside. What we have is good, Zara. I don’t want to lose it. So if you need to talk more, we talk more. But just to be clear, the sex I have with you, it means something, okay? Obviously I can’t get enough of you in that department. I think the three times last night proved that. But… what I’m inarticulately trying to say is that…’ he swallowed ‘…I haven’t felt this way about anyone since… well, since Katie. And I don’t want to mess it up. So if I’m expecting too much of you over this thing with Caleb, or if I’m not dealing with it how you want me to, then just say, okay? Because I don’t want to do anything to spoil this. I like us.’
It was an ‘L’ word. But it still wasn’t the one she’d hoped for. He’d as good as said it. And even in the absence of the hallowed word itself her heart beat faster and she was suddenly overcome with emotion. She forced it down deep lest it be set free and give her away. Instead she nodded and smiled. ‘Me too. Very much.’
9
It turned out the phone call Josh had received had been from his mother. She had heard from Katie and was calling Josh with news that his son and ex would be arriving earlier than originally planned. Zara reminded herself that she was absolutely fine about the whole thing and Josh enthused about the day trips the three of them could take. Zara smiled sweetly and nodded but deep inside she was beginning to worry that perhaps she wasn’t quite ready to meet Josh’s son. Wouldn’t it be like meeting a stepchild for the first time? She’d seen films about such scenarios where the kid was a delight when everyone was around but then as soon as they turned their backs the stepmum got it. Okay, so comparing herself to a stepmum was probably a little OTT. But it still niggled at the back of her mind.
Josh beamed as he spoke about his son. ‘Yeah, apparently he loves all things to do with science. So he must take after me a bit, eh? I thought we could take him to the Natural History Museum. I used to love places like that when I was a kid.’
‘Look… Josh, I think maybe you should spend time with Caleb on your own. Don’t you? I mean, this is all very new for both of you and I don’t want him to feel intimidated by you bringing me along.’
Josh’s excited smile disappeared. ‘But I thought you’d want to meet him.’
‘Oh, I do, Josh, absolutely. I just think… he’s coming all this way to see his dad. Not his dad and his dad’s girlfriend. I just don’t want to impose. This is a really big deal for you. For both of you.’
He reached out and took her hand. ‘But I don’t want you to feel left out. Like I said before, you’re important to me too.’
She smiled and squeezed his hand. ‘And I’m so happy you feel that way. But I want you to make the most of seeing him. After all, he’s not going to be here for long. You need to make every single moment count.’
Josh was silent for what felt like an age but eventually he leaned and placed a kiss on her forehead. ‘Thank you. Maybe you’re right. I just l…’ He cleared his throat. ‘I appreciate how thoughtful and understanding you are.’
‘I know you do.’
*
Zara was spending her time researching her impending trip north as it loomed ever closer. She had agreed to see Josh on Thursday evening seeing as Katie and Caleb would be up in Newcastle visiting friends and family initially. But she’d continued to tell Josh that he should concentrate on spending time with Caleb alone and see her properly when they had left to return home; eventually, albeit reluctantly, he had agreed.
Thursday night was going to be the last time she saw him for a short while so she wanted to make the most of things. Marco had a hot date, meaning she had her flat all to herself, so she was planning a romantic meal followed by… well, whatever happened.
Marco had given her some of his favourite Itali
an recipes and she had prepared home-made pasta with the little gadget her roomy had brought when he moved in. Josh couldn’t fail to be impressed.
He arrived on time and looked decidedly nervous as he stood there in the doorway. He had a bottle of wine in one hand and a small box of chocolates in the other. ‘I thought I’d bring these seeing as you already had flowers,’ he said as he crossed the threshold.
‘We can enjoy those later. I made Italian.’
‘You made the Italian do what?’ Josh laughed. ‘Jeez, that was such a shit joke. I’m so fucking nervous, Zara. What’s wrong with me? I feel like we’re on our first date or something.’
She laughed. ‘I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been a wreck all day. How daft are we?’
‘Get this bottle opened, eh? I reckon we both need a bit of Dutch courage tonight.’
She opened the bottle as Josh took a couple of wine glasses down from the cupboard. ‘So, are you excited about tomorrow?’
Josh closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘Hey, look, why don’t we forget about Caleb, Katie and all that just for tonight, eh? Let’s make this about us.’
Relief flooded her veins and she stepped closer to him, slipping her arms round him and tiptoeing to meet his lips with hers. Their exchange became heated and soon enough Josh had her pressed against the counter top as his hands roamed her body.
He stopped and pulled away. ‘I know you’re worried about us making everything about sex but right now… I just want—’
‘So do I.’ She grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom.
There was something a little different about how he made love to her. She couldn’t help feeling that he was trying to prove something. He worshipped her with his tongue and with his mouth; teasing and tasting her as if this would be the last time. And then it dawned on her that it might be.
*
After the first meeting with Caleb, Josh telephoned, oozing enthusiasm and praise of the little boy. ‘He’s a really smart kid. I mean, I know I’m biased, but he really is. He told me all about the marine life where he lives. They’re not far from the Great Barrier Reef. Imagine that! I can’t believe he loves the ocean as much as I do. And he really looks like me. Poor kid. My mum said he’s the spitting image of me when I was his age. And she’s right. When you compare photos it’s like we’re the same person. Except he’s got tanned skin and the photos of me as a kid show me as so pale I’m almost blue.’ He laughed heartily and Zara smiled. He sounded so very happy and excited.