Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  “Yeah, I am okay ladies, honest! I’m sorry I messed up your night,” I reply to them both. I continue making my sandwich.

  “Don’t sweat it!” Carrie says. I notice Mandy is not looking at either of us or saying anything. “Your first night out is always a disaster when you hit college. From here on in, it can only get better!” she adds with a laugh.

  I notice her quickly glance over at Mandy, and then she looks at me. “So, what happened with Nathan last night?” She tries to ask this casually but I see the tension in her eyes.

  “Um, nothing. He saw me trying to get away from that dickhead and he came over and helped,” I mutter.

  “Well, if that is all that happened, why did I see him sneak out of your room this morning?”

  “It’s nothing Carrie! I had a nightmare and he heard me yelling and came to check on me. We just fell asleep!” I take a big bite of my sandwich to stop myself from babbling more and demanding why she has such a problem with this.

  She looks at me closely then closes her eyes for a second. When she opens them again, I see she has her temper and emotions under control.

  “Just be careful Sam. Nathan doesn’t do relationships, he just breaks hearts. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

  “Duly noted and for the record, neither do I,” I reply. I grab what’s left of my sandwich and walk back to my room, where it is peaceful and I no longer have to listen to any of this bullshit.

  Chapter Eleven

  The next day, I get up early and head out to the library. I know it will be open and it’s a good place to hide from my housemates. I still haven’t seen Nathan and I am unsure of what to expect from him.

  I spend a long day doing research and catching up on my studies. Eventually I head home as the day turns to dusk. As I walk home I see a hawk circling the sky above me. I stop and watch as it swoops around and around, eyes down, scanning the ground. I love that its brown and white tipped wings seem so motionless as it continues to circle. I have always held a deep fascination with this bird of prey and I keep really still and watch.

  Suddenly it spots its prey and drops like a rocket to the ground. I feel my stomach drop with it, and for a second, I become that hawk watching the earth rush up to me. I imagine seeing the ground getting closer and closer only focused on what I want. The power I hold in that instant makes me feel invincible. Imagine going for whatever you wanted without fearing the danger as you rush towards it.

  The hawk disappears behind the trees and I shake myself out of my trance and continue home.

  “Hi everyone,” I shout out and bravely walk into the house. I know they are home as I hear them talking together. The conversation stops the second they hear my voice but I walk in as if it doesn’t bother me. I see Nathan leaning against the counter. He looks gorgeous and for a second I can’t tear my eyes away. He hasn’t shaved and his face reflects the roughness of his day old stubble. This makes him look sexy as hell and even more dangerous. He wears jeans that sit low on his hips and a black T-shirt which helps to show off his dark skin and toned body. I see the tattoo sneaking through his biceps and I have to quickly turn away before I make an utter fool of myself and drool.

  “Where have you been?” Mandy asks with concern, coming up and giving me a hug.

  “What? Are you my mom now?” I try joking.

  I see her roll her eyes but then she pats the seat next to me. “Come sit down and join us,” she says, trying to lighten the tension in the room. “We are just deciding who is doing what next week.”

  I sit down and look at the list. I giggle when I see that I am off cooking duties completely. My giggle makes Nathan’s head turn toward me with a small curious smile.

  “What? No cooking duties? Are you firing me now?” I ask them with another giggle.

  “Nope, no cooking for you,” Ben says. “The last time you cooked I was shitting myself the whole day. You are a danger to the world around you!”

  “Beth has been teaching me the basics, you know,” I joke back, “and I can make a pretty awesome cup of coffee now!”

  “Unless we want to live on coffee, you, my friend are officially off the cooking roster,” Carrie joins in, wrapping her arms around me.

  Carrie’s friendliness confuses me, especially after what I heard and what she said to me earlier, but I roll with it anyway.

  I continue to look down at the list. “Okay, so if I am not cooking, what do I have to do instead?” I take a closer look and my smile drops when I see what is written there. “Oh no! Seriously guys, loo parole? Twice a week? You sure I can’t cook?”

  They all laugh and just like that, we go back to normal. I sit back and watch my friends as they continue to haggle on the other meaningless house duties. I feel a certain set of eyes on me but refuse to look up. I know I have to get my silly feelings under control. He has yet to say a word to me but I know he is carefully watching me and making decisions about me that I have no understanding of in his head. I wish I had a telepathic mind that could help me to get a grip on his thinking and possibly help me to understand my own too!

  Chapter Twelve

  “So, we now know the things that happen in our early formative years can have a profound long term impact on the rest of our lives,” my tutor tells the class. “The implications for this, people,” she says dramatically, “is that we have to make a positive impact in the lives of the children with whom we work.”

  The class ends and we all head out. The discussion has me feeling slightly nauseous. Does this mean I can never be normal? How can I undo my past and create a better, clearer future for myself? I want to rush back in and ask her, but I know I can’t. I thought going to college and starting again would make my life turn around, but I am slowly realizing life is not so easy to change. As you move, your problems just move right along with you.

  I walk across the campus, wrapping my red tartan scarf around my neck as the autumn wind whips through the campus grounds. I decide to call home and get a good dose of loving family. When I hear my mom’s voice, my throat starts to close and I want to cry.

  “Mom,” I blurt out before she starts talking. “Did you and dad ever think of taking me to a shrink?”

  “Honey? Are you okay? What’s the matter?” she replies straight away.

  I find a quiet spot under a giant oak tree and sit beneath it.

  “Mom, my nightmares…” I take a deep breath. “How can I get rid of them and how do I do it right now?” The frustration lacing my voice makes me sound bitter.

  “Oh honey, you have to give yourself a break…a little time to sort this through,” she says into the phone. “It’s great that you want to start working on this now, and I am so very proud of you,” I hear her continue tearfully.

  I know for twelve years they have been trying to get me to talk about the dreams that haunt me, but I have never been able to face those demons.

  “Why can’t I remember my birth mother?” I ask her silently, crying now, “and what happened to my brothers…?”

  I hear her gasp. “You remember them?” is all she manages.

  “What? Yes, I see them in my nightmares Mom, all the time!” I almost shout back at her. “Well, not my mom, never my mom but the boys. I see their faces,” I add.

  “Look honey, it is almost Christmas. Let’s talk about it when you come home okay? This is not something for a casual discussion over the phone.”

  I want to argue and complain but I know in my heart, she is right.

  “In the meantime, why don’t you see if the college has a counselor they recommend? Perhaps someone who can help you with the nightmares until we see you?”

  I close my eyes and consider her words. Can I do this? I realize that for the first time in my life, I really do want to move forward. I am sick of being scared, of not fitting in and just living my life. I want to do this not just for myself but for the future work I want to do, the people I want to be with and the changes I want to make in my world.

  “Okay, Mom,” I w
hisper. “I love you. Please tell Dad I love him too.”

  “You too sweetie and hang in there okay? We will get to the bottom of this, I promise,” she replies with undisguised hope seeping through every word.

  After I hang up, I wonder why we have never spoken about this before but I guess I never let them in. I am scared and worried about what they will tell me when I go home and I walk back in a daze. I have a vague seed of hope that I may get to the bottom of my problems.

  * * * *

  “Whoa it is madness out there.” Sally comes into the kitchen where Beth and I are working hard. “Sam, how do you feel about making the coffees today?”

  “Hell yeah!” I shout, overjoyed to get out of the hot kitchen. I walk out behind the counter and start making cup after cup of coffee. Whatever happened to regular instant coffee I ponder as I make yet another cup of mocha with soya milk.

  “Hey you.” I look up and see Nathan with his beautiful arms around yet another beautiful girl. His hair looks windswept and his eyes are bright and shining. He looks happy. I glance over to the girl wondering if she is the reason he looks so relaxed. The thought makes my heart drop.

  “Hi,” I mumble back. God I am jealous!

  “We’ll have two lattes and a piece of that awesome looking cake. Wait, you didn’t make it, right?” he asks, pointing to it with a mock look of disgust.

  “No you ass, Beth made it!” I smirk back, feeling light-hearted. Even seeing him with someone else, seeing this happy, playful side of him makes me feel pleased.

  The girl in his arms fidgets and rubs his stomach. “You gonna introduce me to your friend?” she asks him in an annoyingly whiney voice.

  I raise my eyebrows at him, and of course he notices, scowling slightly at me as if to say, ‘don’t judge!’

  “Um, yeah Jane—Sam. Sam, this is Jane,” he says.

  We both mumble ‘Hi’ to each other and then I hastily go back to making the coffees and getting them their chocolate mousse cake.

  I watch as they head to a table and sit close together. Nathan leans back in his chair while Jane happily talks to him, feeding him pieces of cake in between her endless chatter.

  I roll my eyes and focus on my job, but I get three orders in a row wrong and Sally quickly ushers me back into the kitchen muttering words about hormones and stupid men.

  “They’re gone,” Sally says, walking into the kitchen a half hour later.

  “Well, thank the Lord for that!” Beth tells her, waving her arms around theatrically, her strawberry tendrils falling out of her clips and bouncing around her head.

  “What? I have been fine. I don’t know what or who you are talking about.”

  I puff past them and slam another dish into the dishwasher. Stupid Jane, with her stupid hair and stupid talking.

  “Sam, honey we have been around awhile. We happen to be experts in the game of love,” Sally says, coming towards me and carefully pulling me away from the dishwasher which I am prodding and punching.

  “Yeah, men are stupid,” Beth chips in.

  “Well, thanks ladies,” I snap. “When I decide to turn gay and fall in love with women, you two will be the first to know.”

  Both women are stunned silent and I feel guilty until I hear them snicker. They start laughing hysterically and I feel myself loosen up. It’s not their fault I am an emotional cripple. I guess I have been a teeny, tiny bit crazy tonight. I look around the kitchen which has been cleaned to within an inch of its life. Well, at least something good came out of being annoyed.

  When they finally calm down, Sally looks over at me and says, “Just play it cool. He came in here to see you, you know?”

  What? “What are you talking about?”

  “It’s true. The second you left the front and came in here, I saw him sit up straight so he could try and see you in the kitchen and he practically ignored that girl with him for the rest of the time they were here.”

  “That’s crap,” I say, but secretly, I am thrilled!

  “I’m telling you, that boy was trying to make you jealous and there has to be a reason for it,” Sally says, smiling.

  I wonder if Sally is right? I try not to let her words affect my feelings too much but I can’t help it. Their kindness, their obvious support of me and the vague (even if tiny) possibility that Nathan may feel something more for me than friendship has me silently dancing around the kitchen.

  Chapter Thirteen

  That night I hear Nathan, and who I can only assume is Jane upstairs in his room. It drives me crazy hearing her moaning and his soft deep voice coming through my ceiling. I want to crawl into a ball and hide under my bed, but instead I just throw the covers over my head and place my hands over my ears. I fall asleep huddled in my cocoon.

  Damn Sally and her misguided hope.

  I wake up much later as familiar hands reach out to me and hold me still once again. I feel my screams slow down as my brain connects with reality. This time, he doesn’t even bother to turn on the lights; he just lays me back down, whispers calming words in my ear and lays his warm body next to mine, barely touching me, while I gather myself.

  I fall asleep again quickly, beyond exhausted, wondering in the back of my mind where Jane is right at this minute.

  When I wake up, I realize with a fright that he is still here in my bed. Rationally I know I should be freaked out, but this is Nathan, the one person who seems to have gotten under my defenses. I sneak a look at him while he is still asleep. He lies on his front and I see the muscles in his back move as he gently snores. He has one arm draped over my body, almost possessively. He feels so warm. I try and wiggle away but this wakes him up.

  “Um…morning,” he says with a yawn when he notices my eyes staring openly at him. “Are you checking me out?” He smirks as he sees me blush.

  “Morning,” I whisper back, embarrassed. “Duh; of course not!”

  He rolls over onto his back and stretches while chuckling at me. “You know if we keep doing this, you are going to have to get a bigger bed.” He rubs his neck as if in pain.

  This is beyond awkward. “Nathan, I am so sorry,” I begin but he just waves my words away. I decide to change direction. “Um, what happened to Jane?”

  He turns to me with a scowl. “How did you know she was here?”

  I look up at the ceiling and his eyes follow my gaze. Comprehension dawns on him as he looks at the white painted roof.

  “Oh, shit!” he says, running his hands through his hair. “Sorry, I didn’t think…I didn’t realize.”

  I can’t help reaching out to touch him. “Nathan, this is your house too,” I say gently. Quickly withdrawing my hand I add, “You don’t owe me anything. Even this…” I wave my hands between us. “…is not your responsibility.”

  “I told you I would be there for you and I want to be here,” is all he says.

  He sits up and looks down at me. “One day we are going to talk about what is going on in your head and we are going to fix it.”

  I look up at him wishing I could crawl into his lap and kiss him. I have never felt like this before and it scares me a little, so I shift away from him and look down at my hands. “I know, but this is my problem to fix, not yours,” is all I can say.

  Nathan rubs his hands in his hair with frustration and I love the way it sticks up in all directions when he finally pulls his hands down. “To answer your earlier question, I sent her home. She doesn’t mean anything to me. She is just someone…” I see him start to squirm and get embarrassed. His mention of the girl upstairs reminds me he isn’t mine. I need to get my feelings under control.

  I think about how to handle this and not make it worse than it already is. “You really are a man-whore,” I say with a grin, nudging his shoulder.

  He gives me a big lazy smile, saying nothing more. His eyes which are the most beautiful shade of brown, like melted chocolate, warm me to my toes and I know that whatever happens, right now, it’s all good. “Yeah, well you are a nut case! That must be t
he reason we’re good friends,” he says.

  I smile back but can’t help the bitter pill of disappointment at the word ‘friend’ because right now, that’s the last thing I want!

  Chapter Fourteen

  The weather starts to turn even colder and we all feel winter approaching fast. By now I have become the “Coffee Queen” and I know that at least in this one area, I can give something back to my housemates. They often come into the café to grab coffees from me; and Sally, being Sally, stops charging them. She knows these people are important to me. Her actions once again, chip at my wall of defenses I have spent so many years building and I have a vague sense of uneasiness about my new vulnerability. How have these people wormed their way into my life so quickly, when for the last twelve years I have kept everyone at arm’s length?

  Nathan continues to come into my room, many more nights, to calm me down and often ends up sleeping next to me; but he never crowds me, or touches me unnecessarily and he never says any more about it. I know I am developing an unhealthy attachment to him, but I can’t seem to find the strength to push him away. I need his help too much and this scares me even more than the nightmares. I wrap my coat around me tighter as I start walking home, lost in my own thoughts.

  “Hey Sam,” I hear a voice shouting out as I walk across the campus. I look up and see Jess. I haven’t seen her since that night and I wonder how she’s been since then.

  She comes up and we give each other a big hug.

  “How are you?” I ask her warmly. Despite our somewhat murky friendship, I really like Jess.

  “I’m good.” She nods. “How the hell have you been?”

  “Great!” I reply and for once, I actually mean it. “Want to go and grab a coffee?”

  She nods eagerly and off we go towards Sally’s, my other home from home.

  When we get there, I walk up to Sally, give her a kiss on the cheek and ask if I can make a coffee for myself and Jess. Sally says, “Of course,” and even grabs a piece of carrot cake for us to share. I go sit next to my friend.