All I Need: Hookers and Hand Grenades Book One

by Sammi Starlight

  When the plane finally took off, I opened my laptop to write, but after deleting almost every word, I decided that was a bad idea. I tried to read a little bit on the kindle, but kept reading the same paragraph over and over again. Maybe I needed a nap. I put some Hookers and Hand Grenades music on my phone, slipped in my ear buds, and closed my eyes, hoping the sound of Cane’s voice would sooth me to sleep.

  I must have dozed off because before I knew it, the captain was announcing the plan would be landing soon. I gathered my things and anxiously waited for what seemed like forever while the plane circled before touching ground.

  I had to keep myself from pushing people out of the way when they let us exit the plane. I had texted Dad that I when I was landing, but figured I would take a cab to their house so I was surprised to see him standing there waiting for me when I got off the plane.

  One look at him and I realized things were as bad as I thought – maybe worse. Dad had dark circles under his eyes from not enough sleep and his clothes hang on him; he must have lost about twenty pounds he never needed to. He had his hands in his pocket. When he saw me, he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

  “Lindsey!” He called out when he saw me and his voice broke with emotion. I walked quickly to him, unable to say anything and threw myself into his arms. He hugged me tight and I choked back a sob.

  Before I became a writer, I was always very close to my dad. I was the true definition of a “daddy’s girl”. He could do no wrong in my eyes and my mother was constantly rolling her eyes at our relationship. He let me get away with a lot of things growing up. That was a major reason why I hardly ever went home; I hated that I disappointed him.

  “It’s bad, isn’t it?” I whispered into him before he released me.

  “It is, Linds,” he nodded. “We should have called you guys sooner but she insisted I wait. She was so sure she would beat it. Hell, she didn’t tell me about it for the longest time either.”

  “Such a martyr,” I muttered with a roll of my eyes. I loved my mother, but she was so frustrating sometimes.

  “Let’s to get your bags,” he said and took my hand. We headed to the baggage claim and waited for my suitcase to come out.

  “When’s David getting here?” I asked, finally breaking the silence.

  “Tomorrow morning. He needed more time to clear his schedule. You know how busy the life of a surgeon is,” he said absently, watching the carousel go around and round.

  I was probably overreacting, but it was hard to not take what he said about David as an insult to me and what I did. Dad was a surgeon too and expected both of us to follow in his footsteps. Mom didn’t care if I was a doctor but she sure as hell wanted me to marry one.

  “How was the tour?”

  “What?” I turned to him, surprised by what I heard. Did he really actually ask me about my work?

  “The tour – how was it? I read one of your articles in a Rolling Stone magazine while waiting at the dentist’s one day. It was a good article. Seems like that was quite the production.”

  “It was,” I replied cautiously. “It was unlike any show I’d seen before.”

  “And now you’re dating the lead singer of one of the bands? I saw your picture on the cover of some magazine at the grocery store.”

  Fuck. I was starting to understand why the press was hated so much.

  “Kinda,” I shrugged. “It’s complicated.” Now wasn’t the time to get into my relationship with Cane and I wasn’t sure I wanted to with my father of all people either.

  “It always is,” he said. “Is this your bag?” He asked as my suitcase came by.

  “Yes,” I nodded.

  He went over and got it, pulling it off the carousel with a groan. “Just make sure he treats you right,” he said, not looking at me. He took off towards the exit of the airport, his steps so fast I almost had to run to keep up with him.

  I wasn’t even back in Madison an hour and already this trip was so surreal. For once Dad didn’t make little digs at what I did. He actually read some of my work and even knew who I was dating. He even gave me a little advice.

  We stepped outside the airport and I took a deep breath. I forgot how much I loved fall in Wisconsin. I could smell the falling leaves and the air had a crisp feel to it. It brought back memories of going to football games and bonfires when I was a teenager. Every fall when I was a kid, my parents would take my brother and me to a pumpkin patch or apple orchard.

  I followed Dad out to his car and he opened the door for me to get in while he put my suitcase in the trunk. My eyes started to fill with tears as all of the memories of growing up flooded my mind. My parents had worked hard to make sure I had a happy childhood. My brother and I wanted for nothing thanks to their hard work. I had been acting like a spoiled, selfish brat these past few years. It was because of all they did for us that I was even able to pursue my dreams.

  “So, what exactly is going on, Dad?” I asked when he got into the car. “Mom was pretty cryptic in her phone call and I thought maybe she was being a little bit over dramatic. She isn’t though, is she? She’s really sick.”

  I could see the whites of his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel. “She is, Linds,” he replied softly, his eyes never leaving the road.

  “Breast cancer?” I managed to ask, not wanting to talk too much for fear that I would lose it and start sobbing.

  “It started there. But it spread quickly. There’s nothing they can do for her other than to make her comfortable.”

  I saw a tear slide down his cheek and I had to quickly turn to look out my window. If he was a mess about this all, it was bad. My dad was always the calm and logical one – the voice of reason.

  “I couldn’t help her,” he whispered, his voice breaking.

  “Oh Daddy,” I said and reached out to touch his arm.

  “I’m a doctor. I should be able to help her,” he said firmly, the tears flowing down his face now.

  I squeezed his shoulder, unsure of what to say. I wasn’t surprised he would think that. Dad was always the one to fix everything. Whenever I had a problem growing up, I went to him because I knew he could take care of it. As I got older, I learned that wasn’t always the case, but that didn’t mean he didn’t try. It had to be killing him that he couldn’t fix this.

  We didn’t talk the rest of the way home. The closer we got, the more I dreaded seeing Mom. Would she be lying in her bed or would there be a hospital bed? Would she look sick? I tried to prepare myself for what I might see.

  We pulled into the driveway and I undid my seatbelt with a deep breath. We both got out of the car and I stood there for a minute, looking at the two-story house I grew up in. Mom always wanted us to get a bigger house; they certainly could afford it with Dad’s job. Dad would firmly say no, telling her this house was perfect for our family and we didn’t need to show off with a big house.

  “I’ll get your bag. You go inside to your mother,” Dad said as he walked around to the truck of his Lexus.

  “Ok,” I nodded and swung my laptop bag over my shoulder. My mouth was dry and my hands were clammy as I approached the house. I got to the door and hesitated when I put my hand on the knob. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

  “Jack, is that you?” My mom called out from nearby. She must have been in the living room.

  “It’s me, Mom,” I said, setting my bags on the table in the dining room. “Dad’s getting my bag.” I slipped off my shoes out of habit before walking into the living room. Mom always had a fit when we wore our shoes in the house.

  Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the way my mother looked. She was a tiny shell of her former self, tucked under a blanket on the couch. She had lost a lot of weight and she was wearing a scarf on her bald head. There were dark circles under her eyes and she was so pale. She was sitting up with some magazines in her lap and an iPad, the blanket Grandma had made her and Dad when they got married draped across her legs.

  “Lindsey,�
�� she smiled and reached out her arms for me. “I’m so glad to see you.”

  I shook my head, unable to speak, and went to her. I hugged her tight and broke down crying when I realized she was basically a bag of bones lying on the couch. I was heartbroken now that the last shred of hope I had that maybe they were exaggerating about how sick Mom. If anything, she was even sicker. Why did they wait so long to tell us?

  Mom eventually pulled away. “You look good,” she whispered, reaching out to wipe the tears from my eyes. “Going away this summer was good for you.”

  I grabbed a tissue from the coffee table in front of the couch and blew my nose. “It was,” I replied. I didn’t know what to say to her right now. Small talk seemed so frivolous when she was sick and dying.

  “I read all of your articles. They were good.” She said and reached out for my hand. “I’m proud of you.”

  My mouth opened in surprise. I don’t think I’d heard her say that to me since high school. I had to chew on the inside of my mouth so I didn’t break down crying. “You are?” I asked, my voice hoarse with emotion.

  “Very,” she smiled. “Sitting here I’ve had a lot of time to read, so I made sure I found everything you wrote over these past few years. You’re a good writer, Lindsey. You must get that from me.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. “Of course.”

  “Well,” she arched an eyebrow at me. “I did some writing in college. I’ll have your father get them out of the attic.”

  “I would love to see them, Mom.” Coming home has been so bittersweet. I’m here to say my last goodbyes but I’m learning so much about my mom and even growing closer to her. Funny how life worked.

  “I also so that you’re dating the singer from one of the bands on tour. What’s his name again?” She asked. First Dad and now her? This was crazy.

  “Cane,” I said, looking down at my phone. I had a couple of missed calls and some texts. Hopefully they were from him.

  “How’s that? Isn’t it hard to date a rock star? I read somewhere he liked to sleep around. Surely you don’t let him do that.” She shook her head.

  “Mom, please,” I rolled my eyes. “It’s fine. We just started seeing each other a little while ago, so we’re still figuring things out.”

  “Do you love him?” She asked. “Is he the one?”

  “Mom!” I shook my head. She sick and losing her mind.

  “Lindsey, I knew I was going to marry your father the minute I saw him. If you still don’t know if he’s the one, then he’s not. Your dad is the love of my life. I’ve been blessed to have all of this time with him.”

  We both started sniffling when the front door shut. “I’m going to put your bag up in your old room, Linds,” Dad said.

  “Ok!” I called back, grabbing a couple of tissues again. I handed one to Mom before blowing my nose. These coming days were going to be an emotional mess. I hope Dad stocked up on tissues.

  “I’m going to take a nap, now. Why don’t you go get settled in?” Mom said, settling back on the couch.

  I leaned over to kiss her cheek and stood up. “Sleep good, Mom,” I whispered as she closed her eyes.

  I rubbed my hands over my face before getting my purse and laptop bag. I headed slowly up the stairs, suddenly exhausted from the emotions of the day. I was going to shower and take a nap.

  I didn’t see Dad upstairs so I went into my room and shut the door. I leaned against the door and fought back the tears. My room looked exactly like it did when I was growing up. Mom hadn’t changed a thing. There was pink everywhere and all of my old photos from high school were on the bulletin board, including all of the ones with me and my high school sweetheart, Hunter.

  I had hated the pink in high school, but it wasn’t worth the fight with Mom to get it changed. Now I found it all comforting.

  I put my bags down and lay down on the bed. I looked at my phone, reading all the texts from Cane. They put a smile on my face, especially the last one yelling at me for not letting him know I landed ok. He was such a rough and tumble guy on the outside, but for me, he was like a teddy bear.

  He had left me a few messages too, but instead of listening to them, I decided to give him a call. I hit dial on the phone and let it ring, anxious to hear his voice on the other end.

  23

  Cane

  “It’s about damn time you fucking answer your phone,” I growled into my phone. I’d been waiting all day for Lindsey to call me and let me know she got to Madison all day. It crossed my mind that maybe since I was out of sight I would be out of mind too. I used to get around with the ladies but from what I heard about her, she wasn’t much better. She worried about me being faithful but I had the same concerns as she did.

  I had been pacing back stage when she called. I had been on edge all evening waiting to hear from her, snapping at people who asked me the simplest question. By now, word had gotten around to leave me alone if they knew what was good for them.

  Since I’d arrived back on tour four weeks ago, I’d gotten used to Lindsey calming me before I had a show. I’d performed hundreds of times, but after my accident, I got a little bit nervous. I had this crazy fear I would lose feeling in my legs again and fall on stage, humiliating myself. I’d confessed my fear to her and she found a way to settle my nerves. Sometimes she’d go down on me or we would fuck, but sometimes all I needed was her near me. She was all I needed.

  “Sorry,” she said softly. “I’ve been busy.”

  I immediately felt like an asshole; of course she’d been busy with her family. She was sniffling and her voice was hoarse. Had she been crying? Fuck, part of me wanted to be there to comfort her but another part was totally freaked out that were headed in this relationship direction. I hated that she was hurting though. I only wanted to see her smiling and happy.

  As I headed back to my dressing room, my best friend Diesel called out to me. “We go on in ten minutes!”

  I nodded and waved before going in and shutting the door. They could wait if they had to. The band couldn’t start without its lead singer. My girl needed me.

  “I know, I’m sorry,” I sighed and sat down on the couch in my dressing room. “Your flight go ok?” I wanted to ask her about her mom or what it was like seeing her dad, but I was afraid she would cry.

  “Yes, pretty uneventful. Dad was there to pick me up.” She got quiet and sniffled. “Cane, she’s so bad. Worse than I thought.” She started crying softly on the other end of the line.

  “Oh baby.” I had no idea what to say to her.

  “She’s so frail and weak, lying on the couch. I was scared to hug her in case I broke her.” She hiccupped and took a deep breath. “She told me she’s proud of me though. She’s been reading my articles and said they’re good.”

  “They are fucking good, Lindsey.” I said. It was odd for a rock God to be dating a member of the press, but I didn’t care. She was damn good at her job and wasn’t like so many others out there only trying to get the latest scoop. She told real stories with real substance. I was proud of her and her work.

  “She also knew about us. So did Dad,” she went on, ignoring my compliment. My heart jumped into my throat. Did they encourage her to stop seeing me?

  “Oh?” I usually didn’t give a fuck about what people saw in the gossip rags, but I was curious what they thought.

  “Dad told me to be careful,” she paused. “And Mom asked if you were ‘the one’.”

  If he had been taking a drink, this would have spit it out all over the dressing room like you see on TV. “‘The one’?” I choked out.

  “Yeah, I told her she was crazy. We still haven’t even figured out what this is between us,” she replied.

  I found myself a little bit disappointed by her response. Deep in my gut I knew there was something special about this girl to make me change my ways. Had I thought about her being ‘the one’? Not even for one second. I only knew my life was better with her in it and she also drove me crazy like no gir
l ever had before.

  I rarely slept with the same girl more than once, being bored of them as soon as they got me off. After fucking Lindsey, I only wanted more. I couldn’t never get enough of her. My cock got hard at the mere thought of her most of the time.

  But ‘the one’? I wasn’t sure.

  There was an awkward silence on the phone I wasn’t used to. We never had trouble taking to each other before.

  “So, your last show is in a few days, huh?” She finally said. She knew when the tour ended but I was thankful for the change in subject.

  “Yeah, it’s a bummer, but I’ll be glad to get off of that fucking tour bus. I miss sleeping in a real bed.”

  Right then there was a knock on my door. It opened and Diesel poked his head in. “We gotta go man; we’re up.” I nodded and he closed the door behind him.

  “Listen, I have to go. We’re on stage in a minute,” I stood up. “I miss having you here. You always calm me down before the show,” I admitted.

  “I miss you too.” I could hear the smile in her voice and instantly felt ready to perform.

  “I’ll call you later, baby,” I said.

  “Have a good show, Cane,” she replied and I hung up. The adrenaline was buzzing through my body now. Lindsey’s voice did that to me. I would get so worked up during a show and after we would have crazy animal sex in a closet or in the ally; we could never make it back to her bus or mine. Fuck, I needed to be buried deep in her again soon.

  As I walked to the stage, I decided when the tour was done, I would go visit her in Madison. She needed me and I could spend the week with her before we started on our album.

  The crowd cheered as we were introduced and I couldn’t help but smile. Soon, I would be back with my girl and all would be right in the world.

  The next few days were crazy and if I was totally honest with myself, I didn’t remember most of it. There was a lot of celebrating with alcohol and various drugs. I stuck to weed, but I saw coke and some other things being passed around. It felt good to party like we used to, if only for a couple of days.