The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Middle School

by David Borgenicht

  3 If you can’t beat it, buzz it!

  Sometimes a hairdo’s so bad it requires a ’do-over. So stop cursing yourself when you look in the mirror. Instead, take action! Go back to the salon and ask for a chopper fixer-upper—even if that means it all goes.

  4 Let it go, let it grow.

  Did you know your hair will grow half a foot this year?! So no matter how bad the current cut, the good news is that it’s already growing out. You’ll be looking better in no time—but until then, one further idea: Caps are cool. Start wearing a hat and it may soon be your thing!

  How to Survive a Bully

  He calls you names from the back of the bus. He trips you in the cafeteria. When he passes by with his posse of fools, they get all up in your grill. None of this is cool or acceptable, so here are ways to make it better… and to make it stop.

  1 Poker-face it.

  It’s like what dentists say about teeth: “Ignore them and they’ll go away.” Same here. By playing it cool and showing this bully that you’re not bothered by his antics, he might just decide you’re not worth his time and effort.

  BE AWARE • The most hardened bullies may be determined to break a poker face, so you may need to supplement this technique with a vanishing act (see #4).

  WORST NIGHTMARE

  You’ve been shoved—and smack into the girl you were trying to impress!

  • Make her laugh. “Did you know the halls are full of alligators that trip people to eat their fallen books?”

  • Check her out. If your crush helps you collect your books, you know she’s a good gal. If she teases you, forget about her.

  2 Launch a counterintelligence operation.

  Secretly spy on the bully for a couple days, noting where he hangs out and when. The best way to steer clear is to know where he’s going to be—and not be there yourself!

  3 Use the buddy system.

  Get your friends together and coordinate your schedules so that none of you ever shows your face in the hallways alone. Bullies are much less likely to hassle two people together than one person alone.

  4 Make a quickescape.

  Make a mental map of your school, and when the bully starts to bug you, move quickly to a “safe zone” (i.e., somewhere with adults around, if necessary). In case anybody calls you on running away, be ready with a smart remark: “I decided not to waste my time with that. Trust me, you shouldn’t either.” Or there’s always: “Well, if you want in on the action, feel free to deal with the situation for me.”

  5 Be brave—or fake being brave.

  Stand up to the bully. That’s right: Tell him you want him to stop being mean to you. Say, “Bullying is very elementary school, and I’m over it.” It often works best if you can do this when you and he can’t be overheard, so he doesn’t feel like he has to prove himself. Be strong and act like you have authority. It’s amazing how sometimes even just acting the part helps you assume the role.

  6 Tell (without telling that you told).

  No one wants to be a tattletale, but, um, no one wants to get punched in the face, either. Talk with a parent, teacher, counselor, or other trusted adult and ask for help solving this problem—without anyone knowing that you told.

  Or send an anonymous e-mail or note to the vice principal or another authority figure at your school about how a certain kid is harassing a certain other kid every day at a certain place and time. And, what do you know? The next time the bully is doing his nasty thing, here comes trouble—for him.

  How to Deal with Girl Confusion

  Sure, science is rough, but the most confusing subject at school is easily girls. Not just girls—the Girl. She travels with her friends in a whispering and giggling pack, looking at you every once in a while, sometimes ignoring you, sometimes saying “hi” like it’s no big deal…. How can you decode her mysterious, mind-boggling ways? Here’s how to figure her out.

  PART 1: Does she like you?

  You know you like her, if you define “like” as being mesmerized by the way her hair bounces. But is it a two-way street? Look for these good signs.

  She can’t stop twirling her hair.She’s always fidgeting, flipping her hair, or scratching her nose while you’re having a conversation. Chances are her twitchiness is not an allergic reaction. It’s very possible she’s looking for something to do with her hands because she’s been attacked by a case of nerves. Why? ’Cause she digs you and wants to make a good impression!

  She talks to you for random reasons.She makes fun of your outfit, no matter what you’re wearing. She wants help with the math assignment, even though she’s an A student and you can’t tell a prime number from a prime rib. She wants to use your pencil sharpener, but she’s using a pen.

  She laughs at your lamest jokes.If you say that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, and she cracks up—she either likes you or she’s got the worst sense of humor in the universe.

  PART 2: How to hang out with her.

  Avoid “playful” insults and jokes.Instead, find out what interests her. Do you have any knowledge about her interests that you could share? If not, why not try to read up a bit? It’s a pretty cool way to gain friendship and IQ points.

  Compliments are key.By telling her how cool her locker decorations are or that you agreed with what she said in class, you let her know that she’s making an impression, and it’s a good one!

  Take it online.IMs and e-mail are perfect for getting to know someone without the stress of actual, in-person communication. So ask for her e-mail address and screenname, and chat away! Next time you see her in person, bring up the topic of your last online convo, so you have a bridge from the e-world to the real world.

  Eight Things to Talk About with Your Crush When You Don’t Know What to Say

  • How bad (or good) the food is at school.

  • How hard (or easy) Mr. Wolfson’s class is.

  • how lame (or cool) the school dance was.

  • What celebrity she hatey-hate-hates.

  • What a pain your brother is—and ask her if she has any siblings.

  • Bands you like—and ask what she likes, too.

  • Best joke she’s heard…and, yeah, be sure to LOL.

  • Movies you saw recently—and…oh, you get the picture.

  CHAPTER 5

  For Girls Only!

  How to Survive Mean Girls

  There’s no saying what turns a girl mean, though scientists have their theories.

  • Theory #1 suggests that deep down, the girl is insecure and knows she’s not as cool as she’s pretending to be.

  • Theory #2 proposes that a mean girl is like social spinach: She’s been put here to make you stronger.

  • Theory #3 states that she’s mean because her jeans are too tight and they’re cutting off the oxygen to her brain.

  Whatever the cause, a mean girl’s nasty ways don’t have to get you down. Here’s how to deal with the most common species.

  THE TWO-FACED FRIEND

  She tells you that she loves your outfit, wants to make plans with you after school, and agrees with everything you say…then she turns around and says the exact opposite to the girl she suddenly decides she likes more than you.

  Don’t get hysterical.Going bananas will only give this girl gossip fuel to report back to others. Talk to her with a cool head and calm heart instead.

  Talk trust.Tell The Mirror Has Two Faces that you know what’s going on. Then ask her to play it straight with you because you want to trust her.

  Suggest “rep protection.”Explain that people often think badly of folks who say one thing and then do another. Tell her you don’t want to see her become the girl whose word means squat.

  THE CRITICIZER

  “What are you wearing?!” she asks. Or she criticizes your favorite song and says you won’t “get it” when you ask what hers is.

  Banish her bad-mouthing.Now let her know that you’d appreciate it if she’d keep her negative thoughts to herself. Even bet
ter: laugh it off.

  Blah, blah, blah… whatever!First, get her voice out of your head! Feel confident about your strengths and tastes, and you’ll find her cutting comments actually mean less than a speck of glitter.

  THE SECRET SPILLER

  This friend crosses her heart, hopes to die, says she’ll stick a needle in her eye if she betrays you. Then, two minutes later, the banshee screams your secrets to anyone who will listen!

  Zipherlip.Remind Lady Overshare that you’re counting on her to stay silent, and if she blabs, you can’t trust her again.

  Protect yourself.If you’ve been burned more than once, you might have to accept that the girl’s got diarrhea of the mouth. Look for another person to tell the things you really want to stay between you and your confidante.

  QUEEN MEAN

  Though she’s nice to you, your good friend can be a witch on wheels to others. Since friends don’t let friends stay wicked, let her know it’s time to lose the ’tude.

  Girl down!Tell Miss Mean Jeans that when she’s rude, it makes you feel bad. Let her know her words can come out harsher than she thinks, and you don’t want someone to get hurt unintentionally.

  Model behavior.Through your good example, show her that cruelty’s not cool. Behaving with kindness might not only help make her nicer, but it might also win you new friends.

  How to Survive a Best-Friend Breakup

  You hung out all summer. You even helped her choose the great outfit she wore on the first day of school. And now she’s suddenly hanging out with new people, and you’ve been dumped like a dirty diaper. Whaddaya do?

  1 I will survive!

  First, understand that you’re not alone. This is one of those lame life things that everyone eventually endures. But endure it you will, and things will turn around.

  2 Stick your neck out.

  You may want to pull a turtle, but don’t retreat from the world! The sooner you open yourself up to new friendships with new girls—ones who might even share more of your interests than your old BFF—the sooner you’ll feel better.

  3 Be a joiner.

  Now’s the perfect time to try out for the soccer team. Or join yearbook. Or parlez français in French club. Think about it: You’ll already have something in common with the people in the group, so chances are you’ll meet some fun, new friends while doing something you enjoy.

  4 Be bold.

  Take a leap and ask someone new to the movies or another fun event. It may seem uncomfortable at first, but it’s really no big deal. You can even follow this script word for word: “Hi, [name]! I’m going to see [movie name] this weekend, and was wondering if you wanted to come?”

  5 Be patient… she may come back!

  If you haven’t already figured this out, middle school can be a time that’s “krazy” with a “k.” People change on a daily basis, both physically and mentally. Just because you aren’t feeling love from the BFF right now doesn’t mean all is lost. This could just be an ugly phase, so stay chill, keep living your life, and have fun. If your friend doesn’t realize what she’s missing, she might not be as smart as you thought she was.

  Horribly Heinous BFF Breakups

  • L8R LUZR! Your BFF dumps you via text message, and lets you know she never wants to talk to you again…with angry emoticons.

  • You get uninvited to her birthday party… and she’s your identical twin!

  • Her new BFF pronounces your name wrong, and your old BFF adopts the pronunciation.

  • She IMs your mom, but not you.

  • She “breaks up” with you, and then starts hanging out with your older brother.

  How to Deal with a Boy Bothering You

  Sometimes it’s hard to tell if the attention you get from a boy is because he really, really likes you or because he really, really dislikes you. (Boys remain very much like their cavemen ancestors in this way: “Me hungry! Me tired! Me bad at social interaction!”)

  Since you can’t climb into a boy’s head to learn what he’s really thinking, let him know his bad behavior has got to stop.

  1 Use “uh-uh, that ain’t cool” body language.

  If you don’t want to talk to him, a gesture can be worth a thousand words.

  2 Tell him straight.

  How’s this for easy: Just say, “Hey, [boy’s name], please stop.” It’s short. It’s sweet. And it should let him know that you’re sick of his immature behavior. What happens if he keeps up with the baloney after you’ve told him to stop? Your next response is not to respond at all. That’s right: Freeze him out. Let him know he can take it down the road because you’re not buying anything he’s selling. Boys looooove attention, and if you stop giving it to them, chances are they’ll just go seek out another target who will.

  3 Try the once-and-for-all.

  Now, for a girl who wants to give Boy a little taste of his own medicine, she can try this line: “You sure are spending a lot of time and energy on li’l old me. Everyone knows it’s because you have a crush on me.” If you serve that one up, it’ll not only stop the boy in his tracks, it might even make him quake in his sneakers.

  How to Cope When a Clique Shuts You Out

  Middle school can be as cruel as that old saying about fashion: “One day you’re in, the next day you’re out.” If you’re no longer welcome at your old lunch table, or if you don’t get the call for the shopping expedition, it can make you feel like you’ve been “aufed.” (As in: “So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good-bye.”) Suddenly you’re an outcast, forced to wander the mine field that is the school cafeteria. What do you do?

  1 Dopes mope.

  Unfortunately, this sitch is not going to improve until you make it happen. Don’t sit around waiting for reacceptance. Even if you have to force yourself to smile, try it. Research shows that smiling actually makes you feel better. Truly. Give it a shot… no, don’t stop yet. You have to keep doing it. Uh-huh. Yes, that’s it. There you go…

  2 Become a “Say cheese!” whiz.

  Get involved in an activity that draws people to you. Everybody loves to have their picture taken, so join the school yearbook staff and start clicking. Or start a band if you play an instrument. If you like to cook, share samples of your best work at lunch. Local museums often offer courses, so take an art class in a fab new setting.These activities should not only be fun, but they’ll also boost your confidence and send some well-earned attention your way. And, yeah: Your old crowd will definitely realize what it’s missing!

  3 One-on-one.

  Though it’s nice to be part of a group, the best friendship moments often come when you’re doing something fun with just one good friend. Now’s the perfect time to “remeet” one of the chicas in your class that you’ve known forever but haven’t hung out with in a while (or ever!). Make a plan to do something fun together. Or imagine how thrilled the new girl who just moved to town would be if you invited her to the movies. Middle school is your time to explore all sorts of new things, and pairing up with a new friend is a great way to start.

  WORST NIGHTMARE

  It’s Saturday night and all of your friends are getting ready to go to the party of the year… to which you weren’t invited. How will you cope? You can have an equally great night! (Haven’t you ever heard of a “party of one”?)

  First, fix yourself a healthy beverage (smoothie, anyone?), then head to the bathroom. Turn on some tunes, drop some bubble bath in the tub, and once the water gets thick with suds, climb in and relax. Soak until you’ve turned into a human prune, or until another family member starts banging on the door and demands you get out. Once you’ve dried off, file your nails, buff your feet, and apply polish to all twenty digits. By the end of the night, you’ll be completely chillaxed and gorgeous!

  How to Handle Wardrobe Emergencies

  Oh. My. Gosh! You walked out of your house, got on the bus, and made it halfway down the hall to homeroom before you were clued in to the fact that your shirt is practically see-through, and everyone can s
ee the bumblebee pattern on your bra! Or you sat on some paint in art class, and the whole school thinks you got your you-know-what.

  Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! And it demands to be said again: Uuuggghhh!

  Wardrobe disasters can make you want to crawl under your desk and stay there till the final bell rings. But if you remember these tricks, you’ll be able to hold your head up without wanting to barf all over your shirt (which would be another monstrous mishap).

  1 Pinky promise.

  Make a pact with one friend—your “go-to girl” who can be trusted completely—that you will tell each other if a funky stain ever materializes on your butt, or if your shirt is transparent. If your girl whispers, “Damage!” proceed to #2.

  2 Locker up.

  No, this doesn’t mean hide in your locker. It means that you were given a locker for just such emergencies, so keep an extra sweater or hoodie in there (or at the bottom of your book bag). Once you have that extra piece of clothing safely in hand, wrap it around your waist or over your shirt, and voilà! Problem solved!