It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

  It wasn’t too long ago I would have told her she was crazy. That coupling, getting hearts and emotions involved will only cause pain. But now I realize how foolish I was to even think that way.

  “How are things going with the new girl?”

  “I guess too soon to tell. Seems most the women my age are too interested in partying.”

  “Well if you like her, the best thing to do would be to ask her what she wants in a relationship or even if she wants a relationship. One of the most hated questions in every relationship is ‘where is this going,’ it always puts the other person on the defensive.” I look over at her white-knuckling the steering wheel.

  “Lily, look. Not everyone wants the white picket fence with two point five kids in suburbia. It’s always better to find out in the beginning, so you don’t invest too much time or feelings.”

  “Right,” she says in a whisper, and I know this is probably some residual fallout from our so-called relationship.

  “If you know upfront what the girl wants, don’t try to stick it out thinking you can win her heart. Because that seldom happens.” I feel bad for being so honest with her, and I know some of what I’m saying is directed at the casual fling we had a year ago. But I think it was a little more non-casual for her and I still regret how I handled things.

  “I’m sorry, I’m being too much of a shrink right now.”

  “No…no. Don’t be sorry. You’re absolutely right Dr. Laurel.” She looks over at me and winks. “I do want to be in love, but I’m sick of being in it alone.”

  “That is one of the hardest things. Unrequited love is never fun.”

  “So fucking true,” she says with a giggle.

  The question is on the tip of my tongue. I’m dying to ask, but not sure I want to know the answer, because if it is ‘yes,’ then I probably would feel like a bigger asshole than I do right now. But that certainly never stopped me before, and curiosity was getting the better of me. And now that I’ve decided to ask the question, I’m unsure how. Blurt it out randomly or start a conversation to lead into it.

  I glance over at her. She seems uncomfortable, and the silence was deafening which in turn was making me uncomfortable.

  “Um,” I say, and I see her eyes go wide. I wonder if she knows what I’m about to ask and has been anticipating it all along. “Were you ever, um…I mean. Did you…”

  Shit, I couldn’t do it without sounding like a narcissistic asshole.

  “Are you asking if I was ever in love with you?”

  “Trying to anyway.” I flash her a smile, but she doesn’t look my way.

  She takes a deep breath and lets it out with an audible sigh, “Well…yes, I was.”

  Now I could kick myself for asking the question because I had no idea what to say to that. It wasn’t the first time someone was in love with me. They all knew…I made it pretty clear over and over that I didn’t do love. In fact, if I felt it getting too close, I would end it. That was until Sam came back into my life. So apparently, I did do love…just not with Lily. And now, the air is hanging thick with silence, and I need to say something.

  “I’m sorry Lily, I never meant for that to happen. I really liked you, but…”

  “Don’t sweat it, Laurel. I know how you felt about the whole ‘love’ thing from the beginning. And after I met Sam, well…I struggled because I knew you loved her and it pissed me off at first. The woman who didn’t do love was in love with her ex. I knew I didn’t stand a chance to win your heart.” She looks over at me and smiles. “But it certainly didn’t stop me from trying.” She giggles, “It was fun, and I was definitely star-struck.”

  I laugh along with her, “Yeah, we certainly had some fun.” I can truly say that of all the women I’ve been with outside of Sam, Lily was the sweetest and kindest soul.

  I can see Mountain View Cemetary come into view and I know we are close now. Should be less than a mile. It’s just about 7:30 p.m. and I know from the text my mother sent which was a picture of the wedding invitation (which made me want to puke), the wedding began at 8:00 p.m. I was hoping to get there and talk to Sam before the ceremony started.

  But just as I start to rehearse the words I’m going to say in my head, I hear a loud bang which immediately pulls the car to the right. I see Lily trying to control the wheel as she slams on her breaks. And before I can say ‘let off the brake.’ The Bug takes a sharp right turn off the road, off the shoulder, into the terrain, and down into a ditch.

  Once the car comes to rest and we gather ourselves from the panic and adrenaline, I actually roll my eyes and say aloud, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Another ditch…seriously?”

  “Are you okay,” Lily asks as she wipes the blood from her lip.

  “I’m fine…but you’re bleeding.”

  She grins at me as she touches her bottom lip. “I’m fine, just bumped it on the steering wheel.”

  I fish my phone from the floor and try to get a signal. We need to call for help. “Dammit, what is with no cell service in this storm?” The rain isn’t coming down in biblical proportion any longer. “I guess this just wasn’t meant to be.”

  “Hey, you can’t give up now. You’re too close. Get out of the car and go, run if you have to. Get there and sweep the woman you love off her feet.”

  “I can’t leave you here like this.”

  “Yes, you can. I told you, I’m fine. You’ve come too far to give up. Now get the fuck out of my car.”

  I unbuckle my seatbelt, but when I push the door open, it won’t budge.

  “Door’s stuck.”

  “Climb out the window,” she says. “And if you see a cop or anybody…send them my way will ya.”

  I lower the window pull myself up and out, but something didn’t compute right because I went face-first into the mud.

  “Could this day get any worse,” I yell as I pick myself off the ground and look up to the skies. “Forgive me, God…I don’t want to test that theory.”

  I look up at Lily who has her window down and is laughing her ass off, “Looking good Dr. Laurel.”

  “I’m sure me being drenched and muddy is really gonna wow her.”

  She giggles, “Yeah, sure it will. You look absolutely adorable.”

  Now it was my turn to laugh.

  “Don’t worry about what you look like Laurel. Just go get her. Oh and let’s have a double date next week. Dinner, drinks…on you of course.”

  “Hey…it’s the least I could do,” I say as I begin to run down the street in the pouring rain.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  W hen I walk into the prestigious, historic, and rustic Whitehall, I’m transported back to when Sam and I had a romantic weekend at this B&B. It is a popular venue, especially weddings, with its picturesque views…‘where the mountains meet the sea.’

  I’m immediately met with questioning stares.

  “I’m looking for the Harrison wedding,” I say through a very labored breath since I’ve just run six blocks.

  “Are you alright miss?” A man with an English accent inquires.

  “Fine, just need to find Samantha Harrison, it’s an emergency.”

  “The Harrison – Plum Wedding is straight back through those doors. But it’s in progress right now.”

  “That’s okay…it’s an emergency,” I say as I begin to rush toward the white french doors, “Oh…will you call the Sheriff? There is a blue Volkswagen Bug stuck in a ditch near the cemetery.”

  I’m standing at the doors now and my hands are shaking violently. I’m still heaving for breath, my heart is pounding hard, I’m soaked to the bone, and covered in mud to boot. It’s certainly going to look a sight when I burst through these doors. But I can’t think about that right now, I can’t think at all because I know if I do I will just turn and walk away.

  When I shove the doors open, the sound snaps everyone’s focus to me. I see Sam standing there in something black and shiny, but my eyes are not focused on her clothing or that hideous puffy
gown Bernadette Plum is wearing. Her eyes are laser focused on me, and I see that left eyebrow go up, which it always did when she was wondering about something. And I’m sure that ‘something’ was me.

  I know I can’t just stand here staring at her like a lost puppy, I need to say something before I’m removed. But I couldn’t think of anything off the top of my head, my mind went completely blank…except for this song. The one that has been playing in my head for days, a song by Celine Dion. I’m not a singer and can’t carry a tune to save my life, but I’m going for it anyway.

  “Thought you were history with the slamming of the door

  And I made myself so strong again somehow

  And I never wasted any of my time on you since then”

  I take a couple of steps toward her with my right hand placed over my heart, for a little emphasis and continue…

  “But if I touch you like this …And if you kiss me like that

  It was so long ago…But it's all coming back to me

  If you touch me like this…And if I kiss you like that

  It was gone with the wind…But it's all coming back to me

  I’m walking down the center aisle, all eyes are glued to me. I see flashes and glance at the photographer as I take another step, belting out this tune in hopes to win the heart of the blonde whose focus is locked on me and whose mouth is agape.

  There were moments of gold

  And there were flashes of light

  There were things we'd never do again

  But then they'd always seemed right

  There were nights of endless pleasure

  It was more than any law allows.”

  Now I’m standing at the end of the aisle, right in front of the couple of the hour. The bride is looking at me with a hateful scowl. But I don’t care, I’m looking at the blonde who has now set her jaw and narrowed her eyes. It’s all or nothing…I’m going to bring this home now.

  “Baby, baby, baby

  When you touch me like this…And when you hold me like that

  It was gone with the wind…But it's all coming back to me

  When you see me like this…And when I see you like that

  Then we see what we want to see…All coming back to me

  The flesh and the fantasies…All coming back to me

  I can barely recall…But it's all coming back to me now

  If you forgive me all this…If I forgive you all that

  We forgive and forget…And it's all coming back to me

  It's all coming back to me now.”

  When the song is finished, my eyes are filled with tears…but there is a smile on my face and I mouth ‘I love you.’

  “Laurel, what are you doing here?” Sam says as she takes a step toward me right before Bernadette grabs her arm.

  “Sam, don’t you dare…”

  “I know you still love me,” I say. “Don’t marry her. Give me another chance.”

  Bernadette turns to look at me, and the intention is clearly written on her face because some serious daggers were flying from her eyes. “Get this woman out of here.”

  I see two large men stand and turn toward me.

  “Hey, let her say what she came here to say.” I hear my mother’s voice bellow from the right. I look in her direction and smile when she gives me a thumbs up.

  “What the hell is this? This is my wedding, get this bitch out of here.”

  “No, wait.” Sam closes the distance between us. She is quiet for a moment as she eyes me.

  “I see you're dressed for the occasion,” she says with a cocky grin on her face.

  “Hey, well…you know me. I love to glam up.” The smile on my face fades as I fall deeper into those blue eyes and my heart actually flutters. “Oh, God. It’s you. It’s always been you, Sam. I’m so in love with you.”

  “You don’t have the best timing,”

  “Yeah, well…I’ve been through hell to get to you. I haven’t eaten or slept in over twenty-four hours, and I’m not sure if you’re aware of the crazy storm out there, but it has kicked my ass.”

  She giggles, “Yes..I’m quite aware.”

  I can hear Bernadette screaming Sam’s name, and I want to tell her to ‘shut the fuck up.’

  But I’m reminded where I am, and I need to state my case now, “Sam…please give me one more chance. I know I’ll be better…”

  “How?”

  The smile that spreads across my face cracks the caked on dirt, she’s engaging…considering it even.

  “Because it’s always been there and you woke it up. I love you, Sam, I always have. Is there any chance you still love me?”

  She gives me that cocky snort and shakes her head like I’m being silly for even asking, “Laurel…”

  Just before she could finish her sentence, Bernadette is standing right next to her, and she steals my focus. That is right before she clocks me in my left eye with her closed fist. The force of the punch causes me to stumble back and knock into someone behind me. It takes a second for me to get my bearings before I can focus on what was going on around me. When I did, I see Sam and someone who I don’t recognize holding back the bride. Hell, I don’t blame her one bit. I would have acted the same way if some crazy loon tried to break up my wedding.

  “You fucking bitch…you’ve got some nerve coming in here. Get the fuck out. Sam, let go of me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say to Sam. I could care less about the raving bride with murderous intent written on her face. I feel a hand on my shoulder and know before I even look it’s my mother.

  “Laurel, you’ve had your say. Let’s go…”

  “No mom, I love her. I can’t leave until I know.” I look back at Sam who is dealing with the mess I just created. I’m not sure if she’s talking to the bride, consoling her, or getting ready to continue with the wedding.

  “You have to let Sam figure this out. Let’s get you into a nice hot bath, you’re freezing.”

  Yes, I was freezing. But I’m not sure if me shivering is from the cold or the heartache I’m feeling right now. However, I casually turn and allow my mother to lead me from the room.

  I’m on my knees with my arms wrapped around my mother’s waist, sobbing into her lap. She is doing her best to console me…but at this moment, I’m inconsolable. I can’t stop thinking about the look on Sam’s face when I looked back at her before I left the banquet room. She truly looked perplexed. I know it was terrible timing. I wanted to get to her before the wedding started, I didn’t want to make the scene that I did. I didn’t want to hurt Bernadette. Even though I don’t know her and really don’t care if her heart is broken. Because the truth of the matter is, Sam and I belong together. I know it in my soul. It’s why I couldn’t stay away from her when I was home during my therapy. I just can’t shake that woman from my veins…she awoke what has been asleep in me, and now I can’t let it go. She belongs to me.

  But it’s been well over an hour since my mom brought me back to her room. And the length of time can only mean one thing…Sam went ahead with the wedding.

  I feel myself physically shiver from being chilled to the bone and right at this moment, I wish again that the gunman who shot me…killed me. Because the pain that I have suffered, that I’ve had to endure has been too much. The physical pain is nothing compared to the pain in my heart right now. I know this pain well because it is the same pain I suffered with when Sam dumped me the first time. I don’t want to survive it this time, I don’t want to go back to the woman I was after Sam.

  I can’t control the sobs, I feel like I’m losing it right now. Regret and remorse are having their way with me. I can’t kick myself enough realizing how stupid I was when I walked away from her. She was there, she loved me, why couldn’t I just have realized it then? Why did I want to be that bitch again? I’m absolutely ashamed and sickened with myself.

  “Mom…I’m so sorry.”

  “Sorry for what, honey?”

  “For everything…for being a disappointment.�
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  “Laurel, look at me.”

  I sit back on my feet and stare up at her like I used to when I was a little girl.

  “You’re not a disappointment…I’ve always been proud of you.”

  “But…”

  “No buts, honey. I’ve always been proud of you. Always.”

  I latch onto her again with deep woeful sobs racking my body. “She’s not coming, is she? She married her.”

  “Laurel, honey. You don’t know that she’s still going through with the wedding. I’m sure if she called it off, there is a lot of fallout she will need to deal with.”

  “Mom, stop trying to give me false hope. You should have just never told me. Now I’ve lost her all over again.”

  “Just be patient, give her the time she needs. I’m sure she will come for you.”

  I let out a cocky grunt, “Wish I had your faith.”

  “Come on, I can feel you shivering. Let me draw you that bath, you don’t want to catch your death do you?”

  “Yes…actually, I do.”

  “Stop being silly,” she says as she gently eases me back, gets up, and heads to the bathroom.

  I can’t stop the onslaught of tears even as I lay immersed up to my shoulders in hot water. My mother has been tending to me like I’m a child. She brought me an extra large glass of wine, says it will help to relax me. Maybe she thinks it will make me stop crying like a baby.

  She keeps telling me to have hope, but I can’t see how. Because all I can think about is Sam with that crazy woman at their reception. Drinking champagne to beautiful toasts. Dancing to a magical song…cutting a cake, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

  I swallow the contents of my glass and hope the alcohol in these fermented grapes will start to numb the pain. I sink down and feel the warm water tingle my scalp. I only come up for air when I’m about to black out from the lack of oxygen…guess I really don’t want to die. Imagine that!

  I did shower at my mother’s insistence while she started the water in the large claw-foot tub in the center of the bathroom. She told me to wash off the mud when I’m in the shower, so I’m just not soaking in a vat of my own filth. It was nice to wash the grime from my body and was equally nice to scrub the bus stench from my pores. At least now I don’t look like something out of a horror flick, and I’ve actually warmed back up.