Becca

by Taylor, Jennie

  “Tell them yourself.” she said. She sounds flat and lifeless all of a sudden. “What’s going on?”

  “Just a new plan.” I said. I stepped back from her. “I’m going to go back and try to save those women.”

  “You’ll be killed!” Amber shouted.

  “I already was.” I pointed at my arm. “One of the infected ones got me on the way back.”

  “No!” Bridget shouted. She grabbed onto me and hugged me. “No, Rebecca, it’s just a scratch. It’s just a scratch, you’ll be okay.”

  “No, honey, everybody who is exposed to this gets sick.”

  “You could wait and see if you get sick.” Tasha said. She’s sobbing. “Please.”

  “I can’t take that chance. I could infect one of you.”

  “You’re not going.” Amber told me. “We won’t let you.”

  “You have to stay.” David said. “Who’s going to be in charge if you’re gone?”

  “Tasha will take care of you.”

  “Becca, please.” Bridget said. I pulled away from her.

  “I can’t risk it, Bridge. I have to go. Please, just let me go. I’ll try to save those women and if I can I’ll send them your way.”

  “This is wrong.” Tasha said. She hugged me. “You have to stay with me. I can’t do this, Becca.”

  “You have to. Please, Tasha, I need you to take care of Bridget. And I need you to take care of yourself.”

  “Y-you’re going to need... more bullets.” Tasha said. She was heading toward the trunk of the car. “Please come back.”

  “I have to go.”

  “Take care of yourself. If you’re not sick in the next twenty four hours, come back. Please. It’s worth the risk to me.”

  I took the extra bullets and turned and ran toward the town. There were shouts and crying behind me. And about a hundred yards later there was someone running along beside me. Amber.

  “What are you doing?” I panted.

  “Going with you.”

  “Go back.”

  “I’m with you.”

  “Why are you doing this?” I slowed to a walk.

  “Because I love you.”

  “You don’t know me!”

  “I don’t care about that.”

  “You’re a little girl with a crush on someone who you think saved your life.”

  “Yep.”

  “You’ll get over it.”

  “Probably.”

  “So go back.”

  “Can’t do it. Logic can tell me what I feel isn’t real love, but that doesn’t change how I feel. Besides, I’m fourteen, what do I know about love?”

  “Exactly!”

  “My point was I don’t know the difference. So I’m going with you.”

  “You’re insane.”

  “Probably.”

  “Go back!” I shoved her.

  “I’m not going.”

  This is stupid. I’m trying to save their lives and she insists on killing herself. And they let her come? Oh, guess not, here’s the rest of them in the car. Good. Maybe they can talk some sense into her.

  “You have to go!” I shouted at her.

  “I’d rather die with you than live without.”

  “No.” I pointed the gun at her. “You’re going back.”

  “So you’d shoot me to save my life?”

  “I...” That doesn’t make much sense, does it? “Just let me go!”

  “I’m not doing that.” Amber said.

  “You have to do that.”

  “No.” Tasha said. “Becca, you’ve been my best friend forever. I love you. So you’re coming back with us and we’ll wait and see if you get sick.”

  “It’s too dangerous.” I said, shaking my head vigorously.

  “We’re not letting you go. We’re a team.”

  “Tasha,”

  “If it were me, would you let me go?”

  “I... no.” I admitted. “But it’s not the same.”

  “How is it not the same?” David asked.

  “Because I’m in love with her.” I explained. And then I felt bad, because it probably embarrasses Tasha when I say things like that.

  “And I’m in love with you.” Amber said. The others all turned toward her. “What? Like it’s a secret?”

  “You can’t be in love with me, you’ve known me a week.”

  “Lesbians are all screwed up.” David said, laughing. Great, laugh while I’m dying.

  I don’t know how to make this easier for them. I thought just leaving right now would be best, but they’re all so insistent that I come with them. Wouldn’t it be harder for them to watch me getting sick? But I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to die.

  “Please come back.” Tasha said.

  “What if I get sick?”

  “What if you don’t?” Bridget asked. “Don’t leave me alone, Becca. Please. Mom and Dad may never come, and I don’t have anyone else.”

  “Tasha...”

  “Isn’t family!”

  “She’s practically a sister to you.”

  “But she’s not my sister, you are. Please. Just come back.”

  “If you start to get sick we’ll let you go.” Tasha said.

  “What if it’s too late? What if I get sick so fast, and... and... I don’t want to hurt any of you.”

  “You won’t.”

  “I...” I nodded. I turned the gun around and held it out, by the barrel, toward Bridget. “Y-you have to take this. And Bridget, if anything... if I try to hurt anyone, you have to promise me that you’ll, um, stop me. Whatever it takes.”

  “I can’t shoot you.” she whispered.

  “You have to. Or you, Tasha. Someone. I’m not going back if you won’t promise me you’ll protect yourselves.”

  “If I have to.” Tasha said. “But it won’t ever come to that.”

  “I’ll go. But... please don’t let me hurt any of you.”

  “Thank you.” Amber said. She came over and wrapped her arms around me.

  We got back into the car. Okay, so they all care enough about me to want me to stay. That’s good, I guess. As long as it doesn’t get them all killed.

  I wonder what it’s like to be dead. Do you go to some soothing place? Heaven? And if heaven exists, and you do go there if you’re a good and deserving person, would I? Do I deserve to go there? Have I done the right things in my life, been good enough, to get into such a place? And if I were infected and turned into a crazy cannibal, would that be overlooked because I had no say in the matter? Would I get to see Mom and Dad again?

  We got back to the cabin and went inside. I tried to stay away from their food, I didn’t want to accidentally infect someone. We sat on the sofas and ate. Most of us didn’t eat much. And everyone was staring at me. It’s annoying.

  “Don’t let people tell you who to be, Bridget.” I said.

  “Huh?”

  “Not even Mom and Dad. Stand up for yourself. Don’t be afraid to take chances, but be smart about it.”

  “Becca,”

  “You are special. You’re sweet, and smart, and you deserve the best in life, okay? Remember that. Always. And don’t just sleep with the first person you think you like a little. You’re better than that. Always use protection, you don’t want to be a mother before you’re ready.”

  “What is this?” Tasha asked.

  “I’m trying to think of all the advice I’d give her if I were around in the next few years. Whatever I forget, I’m sure you’ll take care of, right?”

  “You’ll be around.” Bridget said.

  “I hope so. I really want to see you grow up and see how you turn out.”

  “Stop talking like this.” She started crying again. It hasn’t been long since she stopped.

  “I’m sorry, honey.”

  We kind of sat there most of the day, not saying or doing much of anything. After a while I got used to them all staring at me, I guess. I just waited along with the rest of them for me to get sick. We have no idea how
long it takes. Eventually the three younger kids fell asleep on the sofa across from me. Tasha was still awake, sitting next to me.

  “It’s late.” she said. It’s dark outside. “I think you would have gotten sick by now if you were going to.”

  “Maybe. Who knows?”

  “How long do you plan to wait until you’re convinced you’re going to be okay?”

  “Maybe by this time tomorrow. I mean I still won’t be comfortable for a while, but maybe it’ll be okay by then.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you earlier.”

  “When?”

  “When I said I was in love with you.”

  “You didn’t embarrass me, Becca. Why would I be embarrassed?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged.. “So I was thinking earlier about that time in third grade, when we were playing kickball at recess. You swore to me you were going to kick it over the fence. And you ran up and kicked so hard at the ball.”

  “But I missed and fell flat on my ass.” she said, laughing.

  “I was scared, I thought you were really hurt.”

  “And you ran all the way over from second base to check on me.”

  “But you were laughing. You were crying,”

  “I twisted my ankle, it hurt.”

  “But you were laughing, too.”

  “Because I knew how stupid it must have looked.” she said, laughing again.

  “That was, um, when I first knew. That I was in love with you, I mean.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  It was weird for a minute. She looked away, and she was smiling a little. I think she’s crying. I shouldn’t talk about this stuff, I upset her. And knowing her, she just feels bad because she thinks she’s hurting me by not feeling the same way about me.

  “It’s not your fault.” I said.

  “What’s not?” she mumbled.

  “I mean if you feel like bad or something that I’m upset that you don’t feel the same way. I knew you didn’t, Tasha. I know you’re not gay.”

  “So why did you wait so long to tell me, if you knew from way back then?”

  “I was scared. I didn’t want to lose you as a friend. And I knew you could never feel the same way because you’re straight.”

  “You could never lose me as a friend.” she said. She looked over at me and smiled through her tears. “It’s so weird. I’ve never once thought about being with a girl.” she said. She laughed. “But someone confesses being in love with you and you kinda can’t help at least thinking about that, what it would be like.”

  “I’m sorry, Tasha. I should never have said anything.”

  “I’m glad you told me. I don’t want you to ever filter yourself because of me, Becca. You are the most important person in the world to me.”

  “Your parents...”

  “Are probably dead. Even if they’re not, I think losing them would be easier than losing you. I don’t know who I am if you’re not here.” She kinda laughed, but it had no humor in it. “That sounds so lame.”

  “I know what you mean, though. In my head we’ve always been a team. Rebecca and Natasha. Never just one or the other. When you have something good happen, I feel so happy. And when you have something make you sad, I feel that way too.”

  “Exactly.”

  What’s it going to do to her if I do get sick? If I split up the team. I expect her to take care of Bridget, but who’s going to take care of Tasha?

  “The thought wasn’t bad.” she said.

  “What thought?”

  “The idea of being with a girl. I mean you, not just any girl.”

  “What?”

  “I just imagined things, like life, ya know? All the points people usually care about. Marriage, kids, getting old, being sick in the hospital. I imagine it with a guy usually. But since you made your revelation, I’ve forced myself to imagine it with you.”

  “Oh?”

  “It wasn’t bad. I thought it would be, I thought I would spend the whole time with images of a guy popping in there, but it didn’t happen. I imagined us together, and it... I was happy.” She rubbed her eyes and laughed. “And confused.”

  “I guess so.”

  “I like guys, Becca. I’m straight.”

  “I know. It’s okay.”

  “I might make an exception.”

  An exception? What is she talking about? An exception to what, then? Is this me dying, the confusion that comes with the insanity of that disease?

  “What?” I finally asked. I felt tears trickling down my face.

  “It would be hard for me, Becca. And there may be times, days even, when I have to be left alone. When I’ll need to just stop and reevaluate what I feel. And I may even just decide one day that I can’t do it any more, ya know? But... I love you. And I don’t know if it’s in that way, or even if it could ever be in that way, but if you want to try, I’d be okay with that.”

  “Th-this isn’t just... because I’m dying?”

  “You’re not. If you were going to get sick I think you would have by now.”

  “Then, um, why are you telling me this now?”

  “I don’t know. Because today I thought I’d lose you and it killed me.” She laughed again, another nervous laugh, and then she nodded over at the others. “And the thought that you would end up with her was just... awful.”

  “So not going to happen.”

  “I’m glad you say so, but honestly I wasn’t going to let it anyway.” she said.

  “So, um... well... are you sure about... this?”

  “No.” she said, laughing. “Have you not been listening? But I want to try it.”

  “Are you sure you want to try?”

  “Yes, Becca, I am.”

  “So... so what do we do now?”

  “Well, I was thinking we wake the others up and send them up to bed. That cannot be comfortable. And then we should probably get some rest, too.”

  “I don’t... I mean I’m not sure I can guard tonight, Tasha. I don’t know if I can be trusted yet. Wait ‘til tomorrow to see if I’m sick, okay?”

  “At some point we’re going to figure out a way to not need a guard every night. At least if we’re going to stay. An alarm or something, maybe?”

  “With what electricity?”

  “Well isn’t there some kind of battery powered thing we can get? You’re the brains behind this operation, Becca, you tell me.”

  We got up and I was going to wake the others, but Tasha grabbed my hand. She kind of smiled at me, and I think she was blushing. Hard to tell in what little light we had from the lantern.

  “What do you want to tell them?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean us. Like... we’re together.”

  “Whatever makes you feel most comfortable, Tasha.”

  “I guess we can tell them.” She pulled me close and wrapped her arms around me. “They’ll notice soon enough, anyway.”

  “Oh will they?”

  “Well... I mean I kinda figured you’d want to, um, kiss me?” she said. She’s looking at my feet. “I mean if I’m your girlfriend now, or whatever. I sort of figured we could get the first one out of the way now.”

  “No.”

  “No?” She looked up. “But...”

  “First, you need to think about this and be sure.”

  “I am, Becca.”

  “And I have no idea if I’m sick. I won’t take a chance on infecting you.”

  “You’re not sick.”

  “We’ll wait.”

  “Um, okay.”

  “Besides, we’ve kissed before.”

  “When?” she asked. She’s giving me one of those ‘you’re nuts’ looks.

  “In fifth grade,”

  “The play!” She said. “Yeah, we did. Did I thank you?”

  “Yes, you did.”

  She was in a play in fifth grade, and she was supposed to be kissed by a boy. She was scar
ed, and she needed to practice the scene, so I stood in for the boy. It bothered me for a while that I had to pretend to be a boy to get her to kiss me.

  “We should wake them.” I said.

  “I guess.” She stepped back and laughed. “I’ve never actually said I was in a committed relationship before.”

  “You still haven’t.”

  “Did you forget the part where I just said I was your girlfriend?”

  “Or whatever, you said.”

  “Well I’m still adjusting to this idea, okay?”

  “I’m just happy you want to try it at all, Tasha.” I bent down and shook Bridget. “Bridge. Hey, wake up honey.”

  “Hm?” she asked. Her eyes went wide and she reached for the gun as she sat up.

  “No, Bridget, I’m okay.”

  “Oh.” She started crying. “Thank God.”

  “For now, anyway. We’ll see tomorrow.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Late. Why don’t you go upstairs to sleep.”

  “Are you sure?” Bridget asked.

  “Yeah, go on.”

  “Um,” She stuck the gun out toward me.

  “Not yet. I don’t want that until I’m sure I’m not going to go psycho on everyone.”

  “She’s going to be fine.” Tasha told her. “I promise. She’s just being extra careful because she wants to protect you.”

  “I want to go back and see if Mom is home.” David mumbled. He was still half asleep. “She might be there now.”

  “Maybe some day.” I told him. “Go upstairs and go to bed, David.”

  “Go on up, David.” Amber told him. She gave him a little hug. “I’m staying down here.”

  “No, you go upstairs, too.” Tasha told her.

  “I’m not leaving Becca.”

  It’s really sweet that she feels like that about me, but I can’t help her. I wish I knew what to do about this. She clearly is just crushing on me because of this hero worship thing, but it’s getting old. I’m glad I didn’t make Tasha feel like this.

  “Go up to bed, Amber.” I said.

  “I want to stay with you.”